Thursday, January 3, 2013

7 Surefire Ways To Get What You Want

Its the dawn of a new day...a new year...

hmm...That seems oddly familiar. Song lyrics maybe?

Regardless, according the calendar and much to the Mayan's dismay we have successfully loaded a new roll of toilet paper on this dispenser we call life. Welcome to 2013 Quackers! In the spirit of resolutions, inspiration and all that new age stuff I have some advice for you. Aside from thumbing your nose at whatever is on your calendar and hit the table for a 90 minute massage, here are

7 Surefire Ways To Get What You Want

1. Apply Lipstick - gender should not be a factor in the success of this one. If you're a girl such application is the difference between a grunt/head nod combo and being personally escorted to the right place within a massive infrastructure. If you carry fishing tackle daily, the fact you have lipstick on is still shocking enough in our culture that someone will just want to stare for an extended period of time...ergo your own escort as well. Just go with it.

2. Every Morning Ask "does this require pants"
If the answer is "yes" you probably should decline to participate. Feel free to cross reference your Magic 8 Ball before making a final decision.

3. Surround yourself with people who work harder than you do. Take the credit. 

4. Practice until you've become an expert and then keep practicing. 
This is a highly effective method for nappers, procrastinators, sunbathers, manipulators, liars, bartenders and money printers. 

5. Speak loudly, slowly and clearly into the speaker at the drive thru. Double check the accuracy of the order before pulling away from the window. The last step is the most important to ensuring you get what you want. 

6. JUST DO IT! Action breeds results. Flash your best smile, use your manner, show off your plastic, wear those heels and put down the capri pants. Get out of bed if you must. 

7. If all else fails...ring this. Incessant ringing produces results eventually. I promise. Tried and tested by yours truly.
       

12 comments:

Angelwithatwist said...

Lord if I had one of those bells they would all leave before finding out what I needed. Lipstick?? umm yeah PASS my boobs get me what I want.. What?? Well they never get past my boobs to see if I even have lips. Although I bet if I put lipstick ON my boobs they would notice that.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, put down the capri pants, ill say this much, I consider myself to be a man's man. Ride motorcycles, carry a gun 24/7, drive trucks, steel toed boots the whole 9. I also spend a lot of time on social media, it makes me laugh! As a man's,man ill tell you I don't find capris attractive at all and to be honest for me there is something very sexy about a woman in tight Levis, and a 3 inch pump. Low cut shirt and bright lipstick, and I'd consider leaving my wife. (For a breif second before I rember that thing she does with..)
Well that's a different story. Also Angel, I'd notice your lipstick, or lack there of. A woman is a sucker for a guy who mentions their eyes! Anytime I need something from a woman I make a big deal out of her smile or her eyes! If I make a deal out of those the other body parts a given freely! (Disclaimer, incase you meet my wife!) I love her dearly and am mearly being honest here for argument sake)!

Shine on Girl, Shine on!

Dame Nuisance said...

I'm partial to #4 since I am both a champeen napper and procrastinator whenever life allows. Might explain why I'm not a millionaire but whatever.

Anonymous said...

Someone has udders for boobs and really should stop shoving them through metal chairs and other such places because NOBODY wants to SEE that shit

ShaunaQ said...

I finally had to give up the Capri pants. Unless they're worn with super high heels, they just aren't cute. And I go full on drag queen makeup every day so I always get what I want.

becca said...

this was to good not to share with the world especially the lipstick part brilliant

J-Tony said...

Hey, I'm all about #3.

carissajade said...

Ha, I just about died at this. Speak slowly at the drive through. Amen. Happy New Year!

Misfit Mommy (aka the Antichrist) said...

I'm going to side a little with Angel - a good bra gets you a lot further than lipstick. You also need a shirt that shows off said assets that bra covers. That being said, lipstick does add just that little extra oomph to the package, right along with the smoky eye thing.

Just A Normal Mom said...

If I could just pull off #3 while being paid for it...

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