Friday, November 30, 2012

Dying...Dying...DEAD

It's Friday or at least that's what the calendar and Siri tell me. I'm still not sure how I made it to today or that it signifies any type of work week relief for me. I will be working this weekend. Fortunately it is NOT in jail. There are always positive if you look for them...especially behind the couch.

There should be no reason that any bathroom be short of tp for at least a week.

Confession time. It's good for the soul...if you have one. I think a super cute black kitty ate mine the other day. She had that look about her anyway. Link up with High-Heeled Love and start the weekend with a martini clean slate.


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I Confess...
Glass confuses me. The Apple Store has entirely too much at the entrance of their store. I had a face smooshing difficult time locating the panel of glass that actually opened. They should paint the door handle caution orange.

I Confess...
My favorite flats make my feet smell like corn chips.

I Confess...
Vague status updates on FB annoy the crap out of me so I comment on them as though I know exactly what they are talking about. I don't.

I Confess...
I am more than thrilled to finally be handing over the keys to my old house to the new renters. I am ready to light a match to it. SO OVER my head with this renting thing. 

I Confess...
I've had enough low blood sugars this week requiring correction that I think I've gained 5 10 pounds just off the number of cookies I've had to shove down my throat in order to stave off death. 

I Confess...
I am super excited about Elfie arriving this weekend even though Irishman defiles poor Elfie by snapping demonic pictures like this and posting them on Facebook.  He will get his due...justsayin
I Confess...
If anyone needs me I will be soaking in a jacuzzi full of bubbles with a bottle of wine tomorrow night. Yes...a bottle. It's been that kind of week.

 

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

1 Post... Ah..Ah.. Ahhh

750... the number of posts I have written as of this one. Greta at Gfunkified has started the Number Revolution! Not wanting to be the ONE  left behind, I am joining in.

Okay..so maybe it isn't a revolution but it IS a super cool post idea and I am looking forward to having some time to read through all the others who jotted down their Life In Numbers and linked up. I would attempt a guess at how many hours it will be before I actually have time to read anything other than the Charmin imprint on the package of toilet paper I am currently hunting for while doing the potty dance, but I'm afraid of the number.

On to my numbers:

 1 - THE number of awesome Ducks you know

5 - the number of wine bottles currently on the counter begging to be opened.

3- the number of hours it took the movers to load my life into their truck and unload it at Irishman's.


514 - the number of emails sitting in my inbox.

5- the number of insulin injections I take on any given day.

18,000- the size of audience I interpreted in front of at one of my all time favorite gigs.

5 - the number of boys I now live with (including the boy cats)

2- the number of sisters I have

1- how many sisters are currently holding me a piece of prime real estate in Heaven

7- number of incredibly awesome staff members at Lil Duck's preschool. I will be SUPER sad when she grows through all the classrooms there.

84- the average speed Harriet rolls when traveling between jobs

2- the average number of hours I spend in the car for any one job

5,781,306- the number of times I have reason to pause and say "Wow...really?!" on any given day

10- the number of toes I have. Comes in handy to know when you have to solve math conundrums.

253 - the number of feet up in the air Irishman works daily

9 - the number of vodka bottles in the house (not including empty ones)

8024- the depth in feet of the world's deepest hole. It was drilled off the coast of Japan to collect sea floor samples. The hole is about 2,000 feet deeper than the Grand Canyon

3- the number of people I would like to push into the previously mentioned hole.

33- the number of years I have graced this Earth

15- the number of minutes I pushed before Lil Duck graced the world with her wails

4- the number of years I have happily been a Mommy (best role EVER!)

3- the specific release of Madagascar that is my favorite. I'm stealing "Whoa that's roach ugly! Mug-ugly!" and my license plate will soon read "EAT CAKE"

5- the number of months until I head to the Chapel!

4- the number of wedding dresses I tried on before deciding on the first one I slipped in to

3,490 - the number of times I have blown my nose in the last two days

2- the number of times a day Lil Duck tells me I Rock.

12 - the number of years I have been working as an interpreter.

11 - the number of years I lived in the house I just moved out of.

14- the number of adult toys in the secret drawer

3- the number of tattoos I currently have

2 - the number of tattoos I still want to get

285- the amount of money it will take to rent another dumpster to finish purging the basement

6- the number of times in my day dumbassitis strikes 




Okay... YOUR turn! What numbers are dominate in your life? Which ones stick out?


GFunkified

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Learning To Poop Again

If there are any reservations about combining households with Irishman, its that I need a new poop schedule...a new system. I am going to have to revamp what previously worked for me to accommodate there being more people in the house. True there is one more bathroom than where Lil Duck and I lived before but the ratio to people and bathrooms has dramatically changed. I'm pretty sure my colon is in a panic over this.

What if someone is right outside the door? And I actually have to share a bathroom with....a boy! I have never shared a bathroom with a boy. Terrifying I tell you! Is there therapy for this? A transition book? Oh God! Why didn't my mother prepare me for this?

Do you suppose its possible to require everything with a penis to use an outhouse? I wonder if I can build an outhouse. I would pony up the moolah to heat it and provide AC in the summer. That's reasonable, yes?

Sure I have used boy bathrooms but I've always had the safety and relaxation of coming home to MINE.  I never have to wonder why the floor is sticky *ick*. There's always toilet paper, it doesn't stink, there's no surprise failure to flush by previous occupants...speaking of occupants WHY do boys spend an hour taking one poop?! Seriously? Don't they make special toilets for that? Like the ones at truck stops?

Since the renters of my old house are moving in this week there is no turning back. At least not for 12 months. I figure by then I will have a new system...or a maid....or a maid AND a new system. Suppose it would cause problems to designate one of the bathrooms for use by those who exclusively sit to pee?

Yeah... that's kind of what I thought to. So ladies, what are your survival tips! HELP!

Monday, November 26, 2012

Don't Judge! Next Could Be You

Confessions are usually reserved for Fridays. Sometimes though the confession is SO monumental it requires a separate post.

 A Monday slotted post.

Are you sitting down? Mouth void of liquid (screen protection prevention...just thinking of you first)?

I have become...

ONE. OF. THEM

Do not judge...you know not my story. It does involve a deep seeded need for cuddling, generating a gaggle of giggles, a strong element of independence, and the biggest eyes set on a tiny face of oversized whiskers.  

Yes.

I said whiskers.

We watch funny cat videos on youtube at bedtime. I have even tweeted cat photos. I' not sure I qualify yet for "extreme crazy cat posting person" so dog lovers please don't write me off yet. I haven't made a special Pinterest page nor do I have a dedicated Facebook photo album yet.  In accordance with Stasha's Monday Listicles, I am showing 10 photos from my phone. 

I confess the 10 most recent photos are....of Daisy Mae. Look away if you must. OR take the challenge if you're strong enough to scoff the power of the almighty AHHHHDorable....DAISY 
 (I double dog dare ya!)



AND because you are such a gosh darn super duper trooper for looking at those five...the next five are non cat photos. Can't guarantee there won't be a picture of an animal in there somewhere but they are not exclusively cat photos. 

We got the massive 13.5 foot tree up over the weekend! Yay! Christmas!
 

Irishman saw a spider...

Having tossed her pillow the wrong direction,
 Lil Duck crawls to retrieve her pillow and once again
JOIN THE FIGHT!
notice I'm just standing in the doorway taking photos. Heh




I always take my Unicorn to work, don't you?

"Saywhhaaa?? M)%$#(*@#*r?"...my response to a text I
received while composing the post.



Sunday, November 25, 2012

Posh-O





There is always a 50 -50 chance I will be clueless and left staring agape with nothing but a comment along the lines of  "ooh...that's a pretty color".  As with most of the toys from CalExotics, the Posh line comes in blue, pink or purple. They do NOT come with instructions which could be good or bad...depends on your perspective.

Possibly CalExotics wants you to use your imagination and get creative. Rare is the couple you'll find who couldn't use a little creativity in the bedroom. Even the porn industry could use a little creativity, or so I imagine.

So what does the Posh "O" do? There has been much discussion over this one. Is it referring to the "o" face or could it be the "o" ring? This is important, people! The answer determines placement.

Regardless of your determination, you'll find the Posh "O" of a super soft, pliable, waterproof silicone. Requiring just one AAA battery, this baby comes fashioned with a sizable "O" ring handle for comfortable easy use. Offering three speeds, the lowest of which will vibrate your teeth, the push button stimulator is removable from the silicone massager. Make sure your fillings are secure with this one! The dentist is likely way more expensive than the $22.99 price tag of this!

As always, even if toys aren't your cup of tea, find something new and creative to introduce into the bedroom with your partner. You are only limited by your imagination! Try it! You might just like it!






Celebrate Ugly Christmas Sweaters With Tees

It's that time of year where you search high and low for the stash of ugly Christmas sweaters for that annual Ugly Christmas Sweater Party. Or to wear to Aunt Edith's house. Gotta compete with Uncle Larry, right?!

What do you wear if you live in warmer climates? Or maybe your dog snagged the fugly sweater and you need something! Celebrate with an Ugly Christmas Tee! And not just ANY tee but a Gangham Style Christmas Sweater tee shirt!



Superior customer service, super fast shipping and a myriad of hysterical options in shirts (not just holiday ones) you will surely find the perfect display of "jolly" for your holiday! Size options range from XS to XL. Made from a heavy, quality soft cotton material, these tees retain shape well and hold up through washings. Even tossed mine in on high heat and it didn't shrink. Usually I shrink just about everything. I'm guessing maybe this is super special idiot proof cotton. Surely someone has invented that, right?!


 I received one or more of the products mentioned above for free using Tomoson.com. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will be good for my readers.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Love With Food - Giveaway #HolidayGiftGuide

  Looking for a unique gift this Holiday Season? Have that person on your list that has everything? I have a few of those (my Dad is one). What do you get them? Or maybe they are super pickey. Could also be that you're tired of getting the same thing year after year. 

Love With Food is an amazing concept! Discover and sample gourmet food that is delivered to your door! If you're like me, you want to not only love the gift you are giving (or getting) but feel good about supporting monetarily the company behind the product. Food With Love, as of this month, has donated more than 8500 boxes of food. For every box purchased, a meal is donated to a hungry child.

Are there  special dietary needs you have to accommodate?  Love With Food offers organic selections as well as gluten free! With subscription options from month to month, 3 month, 6 month and 12 month, you will receive a box to your door monthly of 8 or more hand picked gourmet food samples. Each month varies based on seasonal themes. Sample something you love? Purchase full size items at a special discounted price from the Love With Food website.

The month of November aptly was focused on Thanksgiving. Curated by Amy Rolof of Little People, Big World, November's box was a delightful selection of items I have not tried before! I loved opening this up! I would like to share that I've tried every single sample and love it all. Sadly, the family got to the box before I did. Knowing how hard children are to please, I would think it accurate to share the box is full of winning, yummy choices as nothing remains!
 You will find the latest selections and themes by connecting with Love With Food on Facebook as well as following along with updates via Twitter.

One reader will win a first-month free trail from the Love With Food service. Use the rafflecopter below to enter!


Buy It: Monthly Plan $12 ($10 for the box, $2 for shipping) 3 Month Plan $12, 6 Month Plan $11, Year Plan $10 (free shipping)
 

Friday, November 23, 2012

Black Friday and Confessions

Because I know you want to know...and be comforted in the fact that you are at home reading this fabulous post instead of among the batshit crazy stampedes of Black Friday.

225,000,000
The number of people who shopped on Black Friday last year.

11,400,000,000
The number of dollars spent on Black Friday last year.

3.1
The percent by which retailers expect Black Friday sales to grow this year.
 (Last year growth of just 1.6 percent was forecast. Might wanna have your big stompin' boots strapped on if you're venturing out)

I can not do it. I don't do massive cranky crowds AT ALL and I have already established I abhor jail. So on with confessions....the fat guy is gonna visit soon! And Santa too! So clean your slate (jump on the naughty list willingly) and enjoy your weekend.

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I Confess...
I had no idea people would look in my freezer when considering my house for rent. Don't they know that's where the body parts are hidden?

I Confess....
When no one was looking I threw a LOT of stuff away. And by a lot, I mean A FAHRUEAKIN LOT

I Confess...
I got very confused trying to navigate the new traffic circles the state recently installed. Evidently it doesn't take much to shake my snowglobe of stupid.

I Confess...
I'm 87.38% sure I put my contacts in the wrong eyes.

I Confess...
Sometimes when I'm in a public bathroom and I see a fly on the wall, I have a brief moment of paranoia wondering if its one of those "spy flies" and someone is actually watching me pee.

I Confess...
I am super bummed that I have missed yet another super awesome swap (the Ugly Sweater Christmas Ornament Swap). Life has been too nuts with the moving and unpacking and prepping my old house for the renters that I haven't very much time to blog visit. Which of course means that I've missed the cut off for cool stuff.

I Confess...
That last confession was really whiny. Meh


Aubrey at High-Heeled Love is hosting Friday Confessionals currently. Get on over there and share your 
Black Friday Confessions!!
 I will live vicariously (and non homicidaly) through you.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

They Hung Willie #iPPP

I was absent for a bit...away from my blog home for a longer stretch of time than usual. Lil Duck and I moved. Have you ever moved? Mercy, Lord! I detest it almost more than public bathroom usage....that is serious business!

I packed up my home and the two of us left a house...

... and followed our home to its new destination...

Where five now make a home.

THE INVASION

We hung tights...

They hung Willie.

We brought the castle...

They provided Royal Transportation like the gentlemen they are.

The boy parts outnumbered the girl parts so we added Daisy Mae to our clan...

A girl pow-wow...Zena, Daisey Mae, Me and Lil Duck...strategizing

Rose rounds out our 4 girls to the 5 guys....two male cats, Irishman, Thing 1 and Thing 2. Still not too sure how I feel about a HUGE SPIDER being on our team. Knowing that Irishman would throw child or Granny in front of him while retreating from a spider? Yeah....sorta makes it worth my skin crawling...

LOVE IS A BATTLE FIELD!

Mamamash

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

4 Months In Jail

...taught me more than I ever knew I didn't want to learn and some things I needed to learn.

Yesterday, I mentioned on my Monday Listicles post hating jail and several asked for a follow up. This one is for you!

...I know way too much about local chapters of national gangs. Enough to actually concern me when I drive thru the city, which says a lot given my 12 year history working in rough hood schools,  and just past "enough" to cause me to double check all the windows and doors in my falsely secure suburban home some 20 miles North of the city.

I can tell you what ink you'll notice as you pass people on the street and what ink will be purposefully hidden so only the canvas knows of its placement.  A series of dots now creates more of a response in me than just that damn ear worm "connect the dots La La LaLa". I can tell you I have walked the same halls as the two youngest most violent murders in the state.

Its a place where stereotypes thrive, are born, and some succeed in breaking even if it is a sentence hearing too late. Its a place where cement, no natural light, and no fresh air is ruled by some wizard in a safe room who grants passage from corridor to corridor with the buzz of a heavily plated lock. It's a place where souls and faces are significantly older than the number of birthdays displayed on their intake bracelets. It is a place where a frantically squawked "Code 2000!" brings guards dashing from behind every door. It is a place where the silenced cell phone hidden deep in my pocket is federal contraband.

I won't work without it.

I learned my upbringing is both coveted and mocked. I learned there is an entire demographic of ungrateful, well fed, properly clothed, electronically outfitted fuck off teenagers I'd like to slap in the face with an alternate reality. I learned a deeper appreciation for the food in my fridge and the lice free pillow I lay on nightly. I learned just how much I still take for granted even when I thought I had reached a place of gratitude and thankfulness for what and who is in my life.

I learned I hate jail.

Monday, November 19, 2012

It's Been.....Interesting

Its Monday and I haven't been present much since early last week. There is a reason....several reasons which will be covered as the week goes. Y'all love some good gossip, right? I will oblige especially since I aim to please feel the need to list out my excuses for not being present except for giveaways.
not my room. Sorta feel this way though

As always, starting the week out with a list helps to center me. I like organization (ask Irishman and the Things...heh...) and it relaxes me...organization and cleaning floors by hand with bleach. See? Already I feel a little more centered....today's Listicle topic comes via Kristin at Auer Life and is suppose to be 10 Things 2012 Has Taught Me....so evidently I'm suppose to pick out things I've learned. Shouldn't be too hard, right? I mean, I learned just awhile ago that in order to walk through a door way you have to both turn the knob AND push the door.

10 Things I Have Learned (Skill or Enlightenment...heh)

1. I learned that if it can go wrong it will. Never ask "what else" in such a situation. Life will show you.

2. I learned that while complete strangers are touring your home as a potential rental option, they will ALWAYS choose the ONE closet *ahem* where the toys are shelved.

3. I learned that when embarking on a road trip it is a good idea to turn your navigation device on BEFORE you pull out of the driveway even if you THINK you know what direction in which to head.

4. I learned that while comments repeated out of context by your four year old in the safety of your home is hilarious it can cause an inquiry that rivals the OJ Simpson trial when she is over heard saying "Oh no! My mom always strikes me!" (she is referring to our three strikes then consequence system. Not physical harm)

5. I have learned that everyone has an inner freak. Somewhere...its there...trust me....and you never know who is in touch with theirs. I believe I will leave it at that.

6. When Irishman came to bed wearing this:
I learned what No Shave November really meant. Evidently I had it all wrong.
 
7. 2012 has taught me just how important and how awesome girls weekends can be!

8. I have learned that it makes no difference what product we try, the dog's breath is always going to smell like stinky fish ass.

9. I have learned that I hate jail.

10. I have learned that surrounding yourself with people who laugh and have a sense of humor is paramount to surviving the rough spots that are inevitable.

Have you learned anything worth sharing? You never know who you can help by sharing your lessons!

 

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Kids Gift Sets From Uncommon Goods -review



How many sleeps until everything needs to be wrapped? I haven't actually counted them lately. I am afraid to. I have started shopping though and I have already run across a few on my list that have stumped me.

Thankfully Uncommon Goods came to my rescue. With awesome gift options for the kids on your Nice List this year, I found something for that one kid on my list that is super hard to buy for. The Portable Ping-Pong Set will be the perfect choice for my nephew. A sports enthusiasts, he is playing some sport (or three) every season of the year and being that he is 7 years old, he is SUPER active. I am quite convinced that even in his sleep he is running, jumping and throwing footballs. For more gift ideas click HERE.

Maybe it isn't the sport enthusiast that is stumping you but the budding artist in your family. Lil Duck, even at four, has had a blast playing with the Stencil and Pen Kit found at Uncommon Goods. Actually, all three kids have had quite the time creating faces and stories to go along with them. Encouraging both imagination and drawing skills, this is an awesome choice. Not quite what you're looking for either? Check out the other options on this page.

And I have to admit, because outing ourselves is what Bloggers do, that I have been the one most enthralled with the Tube Toys. You will love that these push along toys take the "smart car" to a new level. Made from recyclable earth-friendly material, the packaging converts into the toy itself. Awesome for minimizing the toys in the diaper bag for Nana's house! Even the biggest of kids (ie: me) have fun pushing along the fire truck, tractor and train engine.


And of course these are only a few of the MANY options at Uncommon Goods...they really do have something for everyone on your list. It's pretty much covered just about everyone in one website visit. Can't beat that as this time of year seems to be extremely busy and spare time nonexistent!
I received one or more of the products mentioned above for free using Tomoson.com. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will be good for my readers.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Nano Style Jewlery Review & Giveaway #HolidayGiftGuide


Do you have that someone on your list that stumps you each holiday, birthday, or gift giving opportunity? Do they like jewelry? I was absolutely drawn to the uniqueness of Nano! Pendants containing images and sayings, symbolic and unique, this is sure to be excitedly received (either by yourself or to whom you gift it!). I love how unique my pendant is, as well as the versatility of the look. I can wear this with my yoga pants and sweatshirt or just as easily with any workplace attire. It looks fabulous with everything!

About the size of my thumb, this pendant contains a heart surrounded by 120 translations of the phrase "I Love You". Of excellent quality and beautiful display, I would not hesitate to choose any one of the other styles offered by Nano. Combining nanotechnology and unique jewlery design, you'll find Nano to carry the distinction of the first and only company to engrave on 24 Karat Semi Precious gem stones.

Perhaps onyx is not your favorite and you prefer color or your recipient does. You'll find richly colored semi precious gem stones with engraving options from a delicate rose, to their zodiac symbol, a cross or expressions of love. Jewelry makes a statement whenever it is worn. What do you want to say? Collection options include New Age, Tokens of Love, Christianity, Judaism, Universal and more.

Visit NanoStyle on Facebook to find current promotions, what new options there are and what others are saying about their pendants. You will also find Nano on Twitter sharing the latest from NanoStyle.com.

As a participant in our 2012 Holiday Gift Guide, Nano is offering a $25 Gift Certificate to one lucky winner. Please enter using the rafflecopter form below! Contest open to entrants 18 yrs or older and world wide.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Molly Molly BoBolly #iPPP

Fe Fi Mo Molly....Moollllyyy

The name game. Remember it? Use to get in trouble for singing it as a kid. A post for another day...

...today I'm offering a loving to tribute to my steadfast companion...the one little fur ball whom chose me, stayed by me, moved four times in 14 years with me, always had a tongue swipe whether it be to catch a smile or a tear and barked incessantly when she knew it would piss me off the most. The most ORNERY dog I've ever seen; one who literally ate my homework in college, has eaten more articles of clothing than I care to count, who loved beef jerky, peanut butter, and pepperoni pizza more than any human alive.

Enjoy the other side of the rainbow my fury snuggling pal...I will truly miss choking on your never ending hairballs...and your smile. Goofy Dog.

Our last shared pepperoni pizza. She belched her approval when finished.




Mamamash