They're Baaaack! STICK IT!

I'm resurrecting them today because I love them and frankly my life just couldn't exist if it weren't for the thousands of Post It notes I leave for myself. Sometimes I use them just because the colors are so pretty and they are perfect for drawing pictures on and leaving in Lil Duck's lunch box. I'll probably be in big trouble once Lil Duck can actually read... I'm pretty sure that some days require a "Don't forget to wipe" note. Such is the life of a single mom/insomniac/working full time/volunteering on a children's project/Shredding/spending time with loved ones/blogging chick.


I give you my pasties! Er...uh...my stickies!

Ways To Survive Killian er Jillian: The Shred

FIVE weeks into your resolutions to get fit, get healthy and be a better you....how's that working for ya? (I may or may not be typing this while shoving ice cream into my cakeypiehole, justsayin). I don't mind admitting to you that I cheated a little. Yes... I was unfaithful to good ole Jillian Michaels and her 30 Day Shred. *shrug* I got bored. What can I say?!

My heart beats Zumba so I had to throw some of that in the mix. It doesn't have anything to do with the fact that Jillian is a little bit sorta kinda scary. Does she scare you? Its okay if she does a little. Do you hear her in your dreams sometimes? Its okay if you do. I will share some of my tips for battling those fears because I'm super awesome sauce like that.

this is the 3rd time I've posted this pic.
Has ANYONE noticed its MY face? Anyone?

1. Sometimes I hit the pause button while she is talking so it makes her face freeze in an ugly way. I yell TAKE THAT ASSNUGGET! Makes me giggle.

2. Instead of listening to her count out reps and move me through the workout, I loaded my iPod with Yo Momma jokes...I repeat them in her face.  She takes it because she has to! I mean, she NEVER has a comeback. WELCOME TO MY LIVING ROOM BEEOTCH!

3. Sometimes I fart during the ungodly amount of jumping jacks..smell it, I tell her. S M E L L  IT!!

4. I wear my cape to workout. Everyone knows a cape makes you super HAWT and trumps any stinky sweaty sports bra and tight mid-drift bearing low slung pants Jillian wears.... okay... so maybe I don't really wear the cape, but I SO would if I had one.

Are you surviving? Are you doing it? Are your muscles bigger than mine? They say the camera adds 10 pounds...I'm sorta freaking out about that. I don't have too much longer before I'm in front of it again and I really don't wanna have that extra camerafatface bulge. Trust me...television cameras are way different than photography cameras. Jillian...my lovah...my friend...hurt me so good....

KY Brand Date Night Review & Valentines Giveaway

From the time tested, reputation respected K-Y Brand Products comes a super special gift pack just in time for Valentine's Day! Enter the new K-Y Brand Date Night pack where K-Y has teamed up with Moviefone to offer a great limited time combo!

I was looking forward to the opportunity to review this product having never tried either of these before. The K-Y TOUCH works brilliantly and exactly as it claims...with the first touch. Perfect for a massage, ahem, anywhere you'd like...leaving you warm and tingly and not at all sticky or icky like some lubricants can.

Now the K-Y Yours+Mine  has some instructions so be sure you understand which goes on you and which to use on him BEFORE you get started. Really kinda kills the rhythm to have to grab your glasses and try to read the box by flickering candle light to see just how the stuff works. I mean...I can imagine it would and all. OR I can save you the trouble...a little of the blue goes on him...a little of the purple on you. Then...badabing badaboom a whole new level of magic in the bedroom!

So whether you're looking for a reputable personal lubricant or like us and just a fun new way to enhance intimacy in the bedroom, K-Y has something for everyone.

YOU CAN WIN YOUR VERY OWN DATE NIGHT PACK!

Behind The Scenes With Lil Duck

 I saw these questions and nabbed them from winey mommy. I loved it and was most curious as to how Lil Duck would answer them. Not to mention I love the idea of asking her at minimum once a year and comparing her answers as she grows. I used her words exactly as she spoke them. She is quite an articulate 3 1/2 year old as you'll read. I don't know if her answers will make you laugh as much as they did me because... well...she's my kid...but here goes: I give you behind the scenes with Lil Duck

1. what is something mommy always says to you?

 I love you

2. what makes mommy happy?

When I love you

3. what makes mommy sad?

when I'm not here

4. how does mommy make you laugh?

when you burp

5. what was mommy like when i was a little girl?

I liked to love you

6. how old is mommy?

3

7. how tall is mommy?

Big "this big" (holds hand above head)

8. what is mommy's favorite thing to do?

laugh

9. what does mommy do when you're not here?

you're sad and you talk on the phone

10: if mommy was to be famous, what would it be for?

I don't know  but it would be silly

11. what's mommy really good at doing?

taking a bath

12. what's mommy not very good at doing?

I don't know

13. what does mommy do for a job?

at school

14. what is mommy's favorite thing to eat?

chicken noodles, chicken food...rooster food? Do you like rooster food, mom ?

15. what makes you really proud of mommy?

I'm proud to love you

16. what is mommy's favorite tv show?

yoga

17. what do you and mommy do together?

have slumber parties

18. how are you and mommy the same?

we have the same color hair

19. when we leave the house, what is mommy's favorite thing to do?

Hug me

Zing, Bling & Brownie Points

You've waited patiently for it...and now to satisfy the wildly enthusiastic demand (<--its my dream, go with it), I have a follow up list to Farting Hearts: 10 Unique Valentines Day Gifts for Him. Thank you for your suggestions ladies (which really means thanks for nothing...so if you don't like the list its your fault)...I give you:

10 Unique Valentine's Day Gifts for Her:

1. Mind Blowing Orgasms: this cheapskates men, is FREE. According to the Irishman, a true Vagician, if you make this one mind blowing enough she won't care if you give her a box of crap (quote/endquote) and believe it or not...he may just be right on with that one. (if you need a tutorial on this email Irishman)

2. One Acre of Land On The Moon - TOTALLY romantic! Show her how "over the moon" you are for her!  Tell her your love her to the moon and back and present her the deed with her name on it.

3. You Are My Anchor necklace: ladies, gift it to your BFF...or guys, don't just tell her - show her how instrumental she is to your life! Hang the reminder around her heck.

4. 2 Carat Cup - all the charm and fun...NONE of the commitment. She's sure to love this one if she is a java junkie like me. Laughter is always a good option...get the matching mug for you and never fight over who's mug belongs to whom on Sunday mornings.

5.Vibrating Panties w/Remote- I can guarantee this will be a winner (I know, I have a pair)! If you're lucky enough she will give YOU the remote... GAME ON!

6. Jareds - HELLO! HE WENT TO JAREDS...enough said.

or

7. Chocolate of the Month Club - 2 to 12 months fixed term or open-ended pay as you go...enormous range of tastes created by international chocolateiers...guaranteed to make a mouth happy! This goes WAY beyond that stupid heart box of chocolates.

8.Cock Blocker Bottle Stopper -This little red rooster is one cock blocker you’ll be happy to have as a wing man. This 3” funny bottle stopper will perch on top your bottle to keep the air away from your wine, liquor or any non fizzy beverage; to ensure you don’t end up comatose on the bathroom floor. Allowing you instead the ability to charm and woo that one you’ve got your eye on with no interruptions; well within reason of course. We can’t promise anything when it comes to your friends setting you up, but if all else fails the Cock Blocker Bottle Stopper does provide a good talking point and can help break the ice if things get awkward. Made of acrylic and is dishwasher safe now that's something to crow about.

9. Personalized Wine Labels - romance her with your creativity and sentimental side by creating a custom wine label for her favorite bottle of indulgence.  Add a photo of the two of you together, a favorite quote or use it ask her to marry you (What???!! I'm a hopeless romantic!)

10. Vodoo Dolls (hand made in New Orleans) - I can promise you this will go over VERY well! A basic guide line to remember: Red = passion or love, White = peace purity and protection, Green = Money (HOLLA!), Blue = love or commanding, Yellow = luck and power, Purple = spirituality and power,
Orange = power, Black = hexing, cursing and getting rid of bad habits (#winning)

And THAT completes your 2012 Unique Valentine's Day Gift Guide. Unless of course there are some sponors out there who would like to get in on this list. Feel free to contact me at the email addy in the side bar... I'll pimp you :-) There's still time!

I'm here to serve...Its all in the name of love...

~Ducky

Save A Stamp, Blog A Letter Part 2

Dear Guy In Car With Lady Screaming:

Just push her out. Smooth, quick....relief! No one would blame you. She has a scary ugly angry face.

Best Regards
She With Great Advice

Note To Self:
Probably a tad bit bordering on lunacy driving down the street, alone, belching and giggling. Although the first one was at least a 9....trying to match or beat that was hysterical. ::knuckles::

Word
Lady Burpsalot







Dear Creditors:
I unplugged the phone. Call all you like.  Your every 2 hours does nothing other than fill up a caller ID screen.  I will pay you when I can pay you.  Its not a lump sum the way you want but at least you're getting money.

BITE ME

Dear Ice On Driveway:

Current Score 

ICE = 0

Duck = 1

BOOYAH!

**all images from google images

A Hex On Your House

...or just mine.

Some days I don't deftly escape faceplanting in stupid. Thankfully it tends to just permeate my Mondays. I can't imagine how greater the occurance of disaster would've been had I been required to work last Monday. No doubt it would've been a Monday where I caffeinated my vag again!

As it was, I dumped an entire load of clean clothes into the washer realizing only with the final garment that it had already been laundered.  That was just the beginning.... In returning home from lunch I hit my mailbox.  MY OWN MAILBOX! Its only been in the same damn place for 10 YEARS! I wish I could say that was the extent of my follies.

A bit later when hanging some vinyl wall art on the bedroom wall above my bed, I stepped back to admire the work. Forgot about the ceiling fan being there....AND running....until the fast spinning blades rhythmically thwacked the side of my head until I had enough sense to move! The fan has only been there for 10 YEARS!

The remainder of my day included falling UP stairs, putting my pants on backwards, popping the wrapper in my mouth and the gum in the trash (it was the last piece!) and holding my breath when given the task of carrying the hammer and power drill UP the stairs. That was a death defying task! (and we won't even talk about the little incident where I damn near rear ended Irishman and Black Betty <--his F150. It surely would've totally rearranged Harriet's face <--my Honda. Not to mention I would NEVER live that one down! E V E R).

Xperience Days $100 Giveaway

THE premier Unique Gifts webite, Unique gifts for men, gifts for women or treat you both and make it a Unique Couples Gift! This is truly the ultimate in adventure gifting; perfect for the thrill seeker, the foodie or wine lover and those who like tours, cruises and lessons. XperienceDays.com is your go-to site.

Want to take a stockcar ride? Or drive one yourself? Want to be THE wife/girlfriend of the Millennium? Score your significant other an Air Combat Dogfight! Fly tandem with an instructor in a Marchetti S260 air to air combat aircraft and wet yourself ingaging in six "g-pulling" dogfights.

A little out of your range? Try hanggliding or skydiving, or just take a scenic flight via hotair balloon (great way to propose on Valentine's day...justsayin). Maybe you'd rather keep it on the ground. Plenty of lunch, brunch and dinner cruises to choose from. Take a cooking class, food tour or please your palate with a wine tour.

Don't think you're limited to water and air or eating! Learn to blow glass, go fishing, surfing, whale watching or take a segway tour. The ultimate in unique gifts from XperienceDays.com!

Plus they provide everything you need to know to fully enjoy your gift. They'll advise you what to wear, weather restrictions on your event, how long you can expect to be there and even help you with activity suggestions based on the occasion: 30th Birthday, Anniversary, Father's Day or Just Because.

Cruise around the website and shop by city, activity or occasion. All purchases come with free exchanges and no expiration date. ONE LUCKY WINNER will receive a $100 gift code towards the purchase of a gift pack. Just enter using the Rafflecopter form below.

BAM! Heat In The Kitchen

"…mom we did some cool experiments in Science today.

'Glad you had a good day Ducky.'

'I have a paper describing how to do it at home. It was really easy to do at school; do you think I could try it again tonight? (which was a total lie. We DID NOT try the experiment at school. It was dangerous.)

'Sure. After dinner.'"

So fast forward through dinner and cleaning up because I’m sure somehow my sisters made sure I was on dish duty that night. Every one was busy elsewhere in the house. Mom set me up with a small sauce pan and the corn starch the experiment required. I was in 6th grade afterall; totally competent to handle myself at the stove.

A little cornstarch in the bottom of the pan…..low heat….it removes the moisture in the starch. I expertly wiggled the pan now and again to prevent burning. That would come later; the burning.

Sufficient time for the moisture to cook away and then I moved to stage two. At the island was three lovely pieces of construction paper laid out awaiting their line. With the deft skill of a lifetime snorter 6th grade perfectionist I lined out the cornstarch on center of each piece which was then rolled into straw like tubes.

Step three required a lighter and some blowing power. Step 3 on the worksheet says to be sure that nothing flammable is in your work area and to be sure there is adult supervision. WHATEVER.

So I am standing where the X is (see picture below). I pick up my first rolled tube of moisture free corn starch and instead of blowing I end up sucking. It could happen to anyone so shutyerpiehole. After chugging some Gatorade (the old school kind…you know, the orange powder mix) I pick up my awesome tubular mega straw number 2.

Flick the Bic....

Flame roaring at the end of my fully extended right arm, I take a deep breath before putting my lips to the tube and blow…


BAM!

Shooting flames come roaring out as the cornstarch meets flame and it is the COOLEST FREAKIN’ THING I’VE EVER SEEN JUST LIKE SPECIAL EFFECT EXPLOSIONS IN THE MOVIES! I’m screaming out of excitement and the smoke alarm is screaming out of fear. My mother rushes in to find her refrigerator torched black.


Remember that little diagram above?


I was standing opposite of the fridge.


It was white.


Now its black.

Mother sorta freaked out - the wuss. Once all the screeching stopped (including the fire alarm and my sisters) I realized there was still one tube left.

 My mother realized she should’ve looked at the experiment paper first.

 I totally snuck outside to torch something else while she fretted over how to clean the fridge (turns out it was just soot....no damage done).

Call For A Cape

I've got a decent ensemble working for me....I've got the Wonder Woman underoos....super sweet Wonder Woman T-Shirt and I got the kick ass Wonder Woman bracelet for Christmas (thanks Momma B!).

I'm lacking a cape. Surely there is SOMEONE out there who can help me with the cape??? Most days I can tackle without the cape but there are some days... you know... THOSE days that just need a little extra oopmh. I've no doubt the cape would make all the difference.

For instance, take the day I walked out of Target and tried to get into the wrong Honda. I'm pretty sure had I the CAPE I would've been able to locate the correct Honda and avoid total public embarrassment *snort*. Or when I attempted to tackle taking down the Christmas decorations. It would've been TONS more fun riding the Christmas tree box down the stairs if I was wearing the CAPE. Right?!

Pretty sure the CAPE would've given me what I needed to figure out how to open the cool new travel coffee mug I got for Christmas. Instead of taking me 15 minutes to figure out the lid screwed on, it probably would've only taken...eh...11.5 minutes.

Or when I was piggybacking every kid and their cousin over the steep climbing wall at the Bouncy House so we could all scream down the wicked slide on the other side. The CAPE would TOTALLY have made that scene and maybe I wouldn't have jacked my foot up. Wonder Woman doesn't injure. Period. 

Walgreens & Express Scripts -Get Involved

This is a Sponsored post written by me on behalf of Walgreens. All opinions are 100% mine.

Having options, shopping around for the best price and convenience all factors into my choice of pharmacies.  As an insulin dependent diabetic, a large portion of my budget and time goes to pharmacies. Express Scripts is a middle man in the health care system. It recently pulled out of its contract with Walgreens forcing customers to find new pharmacies.  Of course its all about money and controll; Express Scripts wants more while Walgreens is reportedly trying to maintain the balance between paying its employees and extending the benefits of the program to customers reducing the bottom dollar we have to pay to maintain our health.

You can read the press release on it here .Walgreens and Express Scripts

Are you a user of the Walgreens Pharmacy and now to maintain "in network" requirements for your insurance, you have to go elsewhere? You can show your support of Walgreens by liking them on Facebook Walgreens on Facebook and following them on Twitter Walgreens on Twitter. Let your voice be heard!

They are offering a special discount on annual memberships for the Prescription Savings Club. Prescription Savings Club at Walgreens  For $10 a year, a family membership covers everyone in your immediate family, including a spouse, dependents 22 and younger AND your pets! Individuals may join for $5. Join and receive discounted prices on more than 8,000 brand name and all generic medications, discounts on flu shots and diabetic supplies.

Be informed, let your opinion be heard and get involved with all aspects of YOUR health care!

Mirror Mirror...

Mirror Mirror on the wall...

I am not old, dammit!

Jillian Michaels shredded me and bitch-slapped be into reality on Day 1/Level 1. I took a short break from Zumba during hunting season so I could help out Irishman with Thing 1 and Thing 2 and provide a hot meal when he came down out of his tree. (*grin* ...just had visions of Tarzan...)

After finishing Day 1 of The Shred, I spent day 2 trying to figure out how to walk. That night we went to a Bouncy House Fundraiser for Lil Duck's pre-school.

Its one of those places that magically transforms you to 12 again (or maybe that's just me); one of the few places the adults can play too. I played tag in the monster bouncy and willingly became a human crane piggybacking one by one Lil Duck's classmates up and over the steep wall (think Rock Climbing meets bouncy inflatables) so we they could scream while plunging down the most awesome slide ever.

I am NOT 12. I totally jacked my foot while playing tag and jumping off things I had no business jumping off, simply because it was fun.  Aaand I liked listening to the little kids scream as they ran from me.

Lil Duck and her best friend

We literally fell into bed with exhaustion that night. Once again I could barely walk the next day. Jillian Michaels HAD to just sit on the counter and wait. I spent that night soaking my old lady bones...

...and remembering again that I am not 12 but a little more thankful though since I would've been illegally drinking. That soak and the TLC seemed to do wonders for me. I once again screamed at had Jillian Michaels attempting to Shred me yesterday and am happy to report it was much easier than Day 1 and I'm still on target for making her my beeeotch!

TGIF Quackers! Happy Shredding!

Show n Tell

I'll show you mine...if you show me yours!

I ran across Just Jennifer and her desire to picture people naked (<--just kidding I don't know that for sure. I just added it. Don't tell her) while they are blogging. When interacting she likes to have a frame of reference. I get that...that's cool... SO you can share and link up what your blogging spot(s) look like. Although if she'd rather picture MOI instead of Hank, my laptop, that would be cool too. I can make funny faces in your imagination too!


I'm a "fit it in when you can" kind of blogger which goes a long to way to explaining why sometimes you get a response from me and sometimes you get ::crickets::  I'm not ignoring you, I promise! As a result of being a single mom, working full time, playing full time with Irishman and Thing 1 and Thing 2 in addition to working out and dance class and school fundraisers for Lil Duck... I have MANY blogging stations.

I work from the kitchen table....

I work from Irishman's bed with my own personal purring vibrating lap warmer...

And I sneak it in on my lunch break at work (IF I get a lunch break). I always pick the seat by the window, in the sunshine and in the furthest corner of the library.

Due to my random moments of blogging I'm a scheduler. I type out as much as I can when I have the time. In the moments in between THIS

...goes everywhere with me. I take notes, write posts, barf thoughts, draw pictures and do simple math in it. I have a whole lovely little stack of notebooks filled with blogging stuffs. I'm old school. I still like to write with pen and paper (even though I also use my iPhone to take notes) and journal. Pretty paper and kick ass notebooks make me happy.

Farting Hearts

It's a little over a month away, Valentine's Day, but I like to plan. If I'm giving a gift I want it to mean something even if its my 4 year old niece receiving it. I love gift giving! I'm sappy, sentimental, mushy, cheesy and a hopeless romantic. TOTAL SHOCKER, I know. I don't share that side of me with just anyone though.

I'm already working on Irishman's Valentine's gift. In my endeavor to maintain my self proclaimed "Unique Gift-Giver" status, I made a list. You know... to help you out should you need it. This one is for the ladies. 10 Unique Valentine's Day Gifts for your man! I'll help my fellow penis-toting bloggers in another post.
 I give you...The List...

10 Unique Valentine's Day Gifts For Your Man

1. Mohawk Drinking Hat
Hands free beer...NO BRAINER! Lob him a can naked? Exponentially increase your shoe collection! #WINNING

2. Yodeling Pickle - How many of his friends are going to have this? Yeah...that's what I thought. Total Bragging rights.

3. Star Wars Stamps - Appeal to his inner (or outer) geek.  Even though you roll your eyes at his Yoda impressions and the fact that he uses your vibrator collection for a light saber war, it probably still means you'll win big like extra foreplay with this gift.

4. Bear Grylls Ultimate Survival Kit - as much as you might want your man to be...there is but ONE Bear Grylls. So give your man this ultimate survival kit. It may not scream ROMANCE to you, but he will appreciate knowing you trust him to take care of things should you parachute by accident into a Brazillian rain forest  with nothing more than a bra and shoelace.

5. Beer Ammo Bandolier - This beer ammo bandolier is the perfect way to carry a 12 pack of beer when tailgating or at parties. If G.I. Joe were an alcoholic, he'd use this beer ammo bandolier. This also makes a great party gift!

6. Amanda Wig- Go blonde. A little role play never hurt anyone (except for that time I got arrested) and this offers the option for artificial airheadedness. So why  not? Toss in a push up bra and you'll be his fantasy!

7. Magazine Subscripton - Sports Illustrated, Fortune or...comics. Keep him up to date on the latest sports teams, hot stock picks (cha-ching) or...uh...jokes. At least he'll have something other than the Toys R Us ad to read in the "library".

8. Pillow Remote - no more digging between cushions, wondering which kid ran off with it... give your King of the Hill a KING size remote! 

9. Toilet Seat Pedal -Just like a regular trash can pedal, you step on the pedal to lift up the toilet seat, and remove your foot when you are done and the toilet seat slowly drops back down. Make his life easier. No bending, lifting or listening to you nag while YOUR butt is soaking in cold toilet water because someone forgot to put the seat down.

10. Synthesizer T-Shirt - The MASTER at Rockband? Gift him this t-shirt with built in synthesizer. Plays up to 8 notes at a time and choose from 5 sound samples. He can demo his mad skillz anywhere! luckyou

So there's your list ladies! Men...I shall post some gifting ideas for you as well. I promise to do so before Feb. 13 so you have at least 48 hours to shop. (Ladies, feel free to email me with anything you'd like to see on the list... batcrapcrazyblog (at) gmail (dot) com)