Friday, December 7, 2012

Pudding Eating Camel Pants

The proof is in the pudding. Does anyone really know what that means? Proof of what? Proof that I made dinner and lost an earring and band aide while cooking? In the world of instant who actually "cooks" pudding anyway?! Just a random thought.

You're welcome.

I thought last week was rough. It was. This week? Competing quite well with last....the bastard. Thankfully it's Friday which means while I type (and you read) we can all sit down with an adult beverage...martini (entire bottle of vodka), beer (6 pack) or wine (box...bottle - your choice) or aptly enhanced coffee and confess! Rid ourselves of the unneeded weight and random thoughts ping ponging in the unusually cavernous space above the shoulders and to hell with the bathroom scale bills, dirty toilet, pile of laundry, dirty litter box, overflowing trashcan.

JUST DO IT!
(and hopefully I won't miss the open linking this time. Dumb time zones)

Photobucket


I Confess...
I painted the kids bathroom this week and managed to complete the job leaving behind only ONE imprint of my behind.  Just so happens I bumped the wall directly across from the toilet...eye level. So while pooping for that insane amount of time boys do, they can stare at the strange swirlies and wonder if it is indeed a butt print. Imagine the horror when someone clues them in to it being their stepmother's ass! #SCORE



I Confess...
I think Harriet the Honda needs curb feelers. She seems to have been exceptionally clumsy lately. Heh...

I Confess...
The car infront of me backfired just as I was finally pulling past them while yelling about how fucking slow they were driving. For a brief moment I thought they shot at me. Working in jail is making me paranoid. (says the girl currently fashioning a shank from and old toothbrush to strap to her thigh)

I Confess...
I hate it when someone looks me up and down....twice, pausing in certain areas, and then says nothing. WHAAAAT????? Do I look fat in this? Is my camel toe belching at you from my crotchital region? (yes, crotchital IS a word. I established it during the I Tried To Eat A Tampon post)? Seriously, what gives??

I Confess...
While a quick cold rinse at the end of a shower may leave a little extra shine and bounce in your hair, you will gain nothing beyond that. Washing hair and/or bathing in water colder than a polar bear's pecker does not have spiritualistic properties, does not fight aging or even body odor (unless you're going for cryopreservation), does not solve world hunger or balance the nation budget. It does not make that Elf On The Shelf magically disappear never to return nor does it replace the need for Xanax.

And with that....my keg is empty. 
Time to refuel. 
TGIF
Oh! And you're welcome for this little gem...

15 comments:

Beth W said...

Just remember, no two butt imprints are alike. Yours is a beautiful snowflake, a representation of your uniqueness, and a beautiful reminder to your boys that you work your ass off for them.

Also, I am pretty sure I'm now going to have nightmares of pudding-eating camel toes. Thanks. :P

angel shrout said...

Hands you the bottle of Patron and the magarita salt.. yeah you need that. I think the butt print in YOUR bathroom would have been a better place, I mean for Brian and all.. the ecard cracked me UP that was wrong and visually disturbing to say the least.

Carries Rambles said...

Since you sent me that lovely pic this morning, I am now typing this while lying across a set of train tracks and have a mental image of certain picture taker wearing yoga pants. Follow me?
If I didn't love you so much, I'd hate you

Sandy said...

Combining 2 households looks like it will prove to be interesting. Maybe you guys can be the new reality Brady Bunch!

Raven @ PoM said...

Love this! Butt swirlies?? Hahaa!

Also, I jump every time a car backfires ever since living (briefly) in a very bad neighborhood.

Marvi Marti said...

LOLOLOLOLOL
This was just a hoot to read! My son was a corrections officer before patrol academy, paint can handles are great shanks too! So are plastic forks, handled end. Just helping ya out.

And butt swirlies, that rocks!

bill lisleman said...

Butt swirlies, camel toes, - I'm sure glad your pudding thoughts are above the waist. You didn't paint the bathroom in the nude, did you?
Pudding is very 1950's retro.

Aubrey S. said...

Thanks for linking up with Friday Confessional this week! I'm sorry that the timing has been weird. I usually try to schedule them so that the linky is available for as long as possible, but these last couple weeks...I'm glad they're over.

You can come paint (and leave butt prints) as my new office if you'd like. I'll provide the wine and chocolate.

Dazee Dreamer said...

I would have totally peed my pants when the car backfired. But just thinking about what the look on your face would be is cracking me up.

becca said...

you could always blame the alien invasion for the butt print

Anonymous said...

Someone used my classic "I'm checking you out move"! And didn't bother to close the deal. Its supposed to be followed up with a wink, smile and a "wow there is a lucky somebitch out there somewhere! " has worked every time!

Shine on!

WhisperingWriter said...

Oh gosh, I so hate when someone looks me over like that too. I want to shout, "WHAT?"

bluzdude said...

The pudding quote is a common misquotation. The actual quote is much more understandable, which says, “The proof of the pudding is in the eating.”

Obviously, we are meant to eat more pudding.

Babes Mami said...

What is WITH people who do the double check and say nothing?! I wonder too!

J-Tony said...

Better watch it with the ass prints. Those boys will be growin' up. You'll become the next Stifler's mom. ;)All their friends will come over just to poop.