Thursday, December 27, 2012

Gluten Free Boobie Learneded Stuff


We are rapidly propelling towards the end of 2012 much like when I attempted to cross the vast expanse of ice this week to reach the mailbox. I'm hoping to not enter 2013 with a "gherrrrahhhnoooosonofafuckingbiscuitmaker" splatthunk...crack..."whoosh" (the crack was my ass and the whoosh was the air leaving my lungs as I slammed into the ground. It's still hard in case anyone was wondering.)

Still seems way to futuristic to be writing 2013. Afterall, I am only 21 and I still look 15.

Also, I don't do resolutions unless its just to fulfill my need to make a list about something, crumple said list and bean someone in the head with it.  Kudos to all you resolutions makers. I shall bake you some gluten free, sugar free, calorie free, die free, vegan, organic, flour-less cookies to celebrate your pending achievements.

I'm opting for an "I would love to learn" list. Just seems more reasonable than stating I'd like to lose 15 pounds, grow boobs like Pamela Anderson and pop out an ass like JLo before my wedding in April. I am registering at the Boobacious Augmentation center though in the off chance you're wanting to send a wedding gift.

I Would Love To Learn:

~To shoot skillfully. Pretty sure its a monumental task to teach me seeing as I often stab my face just trying to get the toothbrush in my mouth. That would be considered close range, right?

~At what octave should I speak and the exact string of words to effectively gain the attention of teenagers in the house (or the four year old. Her ignoring skills are alarmingly well tuned)

~Telekenisis: the ability to move objects with your mind.   While this would make pick pocketing a helluva lot more lucrative for me as well as being the bar trick ever, I'm thinking it would be most useful while perched atop the commode in a bathroom void of toilet paper. 

~How to symmetrically apply eyeliner and false lashes. Do not judge. Evidently if you don't get your eyeliner perfectly even on both eyes, adding false lashes enhances your drunk, pirate palsy look. Just for the record, its not a flattering look for me.


Anonymous said...

I'd like to learn that knee pit orgasm trick from the ally mcbeal TV show

Shine on

Angelwithatwist said...

I would like to learn how to make kids mind, to make 20 year olds realize that they DON'T know it all, especially when they are living in MY house and I am paying THEIR bills.. ahem.

becca said...

I would like to learn the ability to not walk into walls or glass doors because seriously while funny to all on lookers to said person walking into unmovable objects it hurts

GunDiva said...

I'd like to learn how to win the PowerBall.

Just A Normal Mom said...

I'm quite sure if I self applied false eyelashes, they would appear more like untamed eyebrows. I don't try.

Alexis AKA MOM said...

Oh girl I don't even try with the fake lashes. I'd the one the party thinking I was hot shit with one ash looking like I had a unibrow because it traveled up that way.

Babes Mami said...

I will add 'get Duck a set of boobs' to my "If I ever win a significant amount of money" list.