Thursday, December 13, 2012

Be Careful Who's Bells You Jingle - 10 Tips

This year's statistics show that 74%** of affairs and cougars in action will happen at holiday parties.With Irishman's company party this weekend, I have been doing some prep work. You see, I have never been to a company party.

I know that seems somewhat shocking given how outgoing I am and my reputation for being such a people person. My take on it is that until now, no one has been bold or confident enough to bring me along to one. Thankfully Irishman fits that bill. Also, I hear the government throws very "spirited" events. I'm pretty excited about this. I even considered arriving in costume. He hasn't said anything about it being a costume party but being introduced as his future wife, I think I should make a statement. Sound theory, no?

10  Tips For Attending Company Holiday Parties

1. Do not shag the boss on the coat table in the back room. Evidently, this is a huge no no. The walls are thin at most places. 

2.Bring a small clutch rather than the carry-on size bag you normally heft around. This reduces the temptation to sneak extra brownies or shrimp to snack on later. 

3. ALWAYS be the one TAKING the photos lest your post holiday joy be damped by seeing your fabulous fashion train wreck go viral.

find photo here
4.Under no circumstance are you to grab a microphone, climb on to a stage, box or table and start singing. PERIOD.

5. Its probably not a smart idea to try a Jagerbomb or juggling for the first time.

6. On a diet? Before going to the party drink 8 oz of water, eat 12 raw almonds and one apple. It will fill you up and you'll only wind up shoveling 62 meatballs, 12 mini egg rolls, 2 pieces of pie, 6 stuffed mushrooms, 15 nachos and 4 chocolate covered strawberries - plus 12 raw almonds, an apple and 8oz of water.

7. There is no shame in taking a cab home. Shoving a passed out coworker in the trunk and demanding half the cab fare on Monday may be questionable. You did do them a favor though.

8. If you've had more than one alcoholic drink, under NO circumstance should you open the photo or video folder on your phone unless you are in the bathroom stall by yourself. Do NOT MIX alcohol and photo sharing.

9. If a situation gets awkward always up the awkwardness level. Fart, pick your nose, talk about your newest dildo or scratch your crotch openly. Force the other person to back away first.

10. To ensure no on is talking about you Monday morning, be the first to start the gossip. If you are one of those idiots who friends everyone they work with happen to be Facebook friends with your coworkers consider posting about Bill's open fly and lack of boxers at the party. If someone beats you to it or you retain zero recollection of the party yourself, call in sick Monday. Spend the day getting a spray tan and your hair braided in corn rows. Show up Tuesday raving about your weekend getaway to Jamaica and deny any claim that anyone saw you at the party. Stick to your story and eventually the others will question their own fuzzy memories.

**I made that up. I couldn't find actual statistics but I'm sure its close to that.


Anonymous said...

First off, just how did you know about the fly and boxers incident? Second if your going to drink, ill make another suggestion 2 small wheat rolls and peanut butter. The wheat roll will expand in your stomach helping you feel full so you might not down the 78 meatballs! And if for some strange reason all your alcohol decides its new residence isn't working out and wants to come back up. Well peanut butter taste the same going out as it does going in!

Shine On Girl, Shine on!

Carrie Rambles said...

heh. My work party is this weekend too. I HATE going. bleh.
I LOVE that reindeer outfit OMFG

Greta @gfunkified said...

Those pictures are AWFUL. Awesomingly awful, but still really, really awful. We have my husbands' company party tomorrow. It's very stuffy. But there are drinks and lots of food and a chance to get dressed up, so.....I guess I'll get my boob reindeer out.

BNM said...

hahahaha love it!

angel shrout said...

I actually miss company parties.. The last one I attended was right after Devin was born and at that point I had lost well over 45 lbs between an undiagnosed crap gall bladder and ya know childbirth. I would totally go with you.. one day I will tell you about the parties we attended. Note to major companies, DO NOT rent out the swankiest place in town for your party and then expect a bunch of rednecks to comprehend the level of swank and live up to it.. just a warning.

Babes Mami said...

Chris' company doesn't do a party! Booooo.

Just A Normal Mom said...

Love the bathroom shot with all her clothes on the floor at her feet.

I pretty much try to be the picture taker at ANY party - it avoids ridiculous shots of my with food half into my mouth, my eyes half closed, or a mystery double chin when I laugh, all over Facebook.