Epic Mom Fail…the Major and the Minor

*I'm also a Women Who Rock feature at BabesRockinMami today* 

We’ll start with the minor…ease you into it (stick around its TOTALLY worth the read). I’ve already come to grips with the fact that I will not be receiving the Mother of The Year Award for the Third year in a row and I’m perfectly okay with this. I know I am above this award; so far above that they don’t even have awards for the awesomeness that is defined by my parenting prowess!

So on our first full week of summer vacay last week Lil Duck and I take advantage of the beautiful humidity free weather and hit the zoo early one morning. It was a spur of the moment idea so I’m scrambling to pack a quick backpack of necessities because all perfect parents would’ve packed it the night before and had it sitting by the door ready to depart first thing in the morning. That’s what you would have done, right? *snort*

Lil Duck was occupying herself flitting around getting into whatever she could. Fast forward to the eatery at the zoo and lunch time. I pull out the small bottle of hand sanitizer and squeeze a dollop onto my hand in preparation of ridding germs from both myself and Lil Duck only it felt a little weird. Slick, silky, soft, smooth, odorless….very much lacking that strong burn your nose alcoholic fragrance that immediately relaxes germaphobes such as myself. Closer inspection reveals the bottle to be one said Astroglide NOT the travel size Hand Sanitizer I thought it to be when I snatched it off the dresser in the bedroom. Seems a certain little short person was playing in drawers she shouldn’t have been. #MOMFAIL –Minor

Remember back a few weeks I did a review for Eden Fantasys? Great review right? I thought so too…thanks! The product box sat on the dresser for quite a looong time. Meh…I’m lazy and she’s 2…what of it? Aaaaand the vibrator may or may not have sat on the dresser for awhile as well.*shrug* I don’t make a big deal out of things and for the most part her interest was short lived. She did ask incessantly for a short period of time what it was. I’m usually fairly quick on my feet, I know you find this surprising, so I did what all good parents do. I lied.

“It’s a dog toy, for Molly”

This totally satisfied her and she only asked 4,321 more times before it COMPLETELY satisfied her. It wasn’t because I put the damn thing away somewhere. That would’ve taken effort on my part, duh. So one morning I’m in her room cleaning out her closet and I hear, “MOM! I gave Molly her toy! Come here and see!”

I walk into the living room with a little something tickling the back of my brain but not sure why or what it is I’m supposed to be remembering and am not UNTIL I round the corner and there stands Lil Duck PROUDLY pointing to the floor in front of the dog where the bright pink vibrator lays.

“See mom!”, she says as she bends down and waves it in the dog’s face who looks painfully confused, “Play Molly! Here’s your toy!”

#MOMFAIL - MAJOR



Super Hero Duo

Why Irishman is the Carrot to my Peas....the Jelly to my Peanut Butter....

THIS is why we go together like

 Mustaches and Creeps, Buttcracks and Plumbers....

Flight of Fancy

~Flight of Fancy~

52 Weeks of Happiness Project

These are the newest addition to my jewelry box! They arrived in the mail at the end of last week and I did a little Happy Dance. 100% Unique I LOVE everything about them...all the way down to the name of the Etsy shope they come from -Letterbox Lion. All her work is upcycled origami jewelry and fine jewelry. Those awesome little green cranes dangling at the bottom of the fancy swirly paperclips (YES paperclips) are fashioned from Starburst wrappers! How amazing is that???

And the earrings arrived in this beautiful little origami paper box! Finding fabulous unique, VERY affordable pretties makes me very happy. Not to mention Lil Duck's reaction....she clutched her chest and squealed, "Momma! How wonderful! I love them! WHERE did you get them?!"

For more amazing photographic captures of Happiness visit or link up with Leigh at Leigh Vs Laundry

Geico Can Have The Bastards

I KNOW my Earth friendly SaveTheAnimals friends are going to hate me for this one. I LOVE animals, and green things and life. I really do. Buuuuuuuutttttt.........

I want to stomp the life out of these evil, vile creatures! The bastards!

Look at my beautiful strawberries….

Oh? You don’t see any? Really? That’s because the damn squirrels appeared overnight and moved the whole firkin squirrel city into the two trees that flank my house and they ransacked my deck garden. Again I say, THE BASTARDS! I hope Geico is working them below minimum wage and to sweatshop standards! These aren’t your regular run of the mill squirrels. These are the HOOD PUNKS! They are brazen, daring, rude, jerks! They don’t bat an eye or turn tail and run off when I run screaming and stomping on to the deck in efforts to scare them away. If the fact that I’m screaming and stomping wasn’t enough to engage their fight or flight instinct you’d think then that my appearance would help - my hair was a mess, I was sans makeup and hardly clothed seeing as how it was like 6:45am.

But NOOOOO these jackasses just stood there…staring me down. I could hear the old western theme music playing in the background and I wished beyond all wishes that I had a six-shooter on my hip! I charged the punk and he ran down the post of my deck. I peered over the railing and there he hung, leering back up at me all buck toothed and winking. I even doused him with half the water in my watering can. Can you believe the bastard came back TOWARDS ME?!

At the sound of laughter I spun around to find his little friend sitting crouched at the top of the deck steps. I was outnumbered. I stomped toward him describing loudly just what I would do if in fact I actually reached him and he was still sitting there. I’m pretty certain the shithead flipped me off before he made the right choice and turned tailed scampering down the deck steps. And I know for SURE they laughed ALL the way back to the tree!

I’m hiring Thing 1 and Thing 2 and their orders WILL be Shoot To Kill! I will NOT lose my tomatoes to these bastards!

THIS IS WAR!

GoodOnYa! Review/Giveaway

Who wouldn’t love a product that was born in a bar? Welcome to the GoodOnYa Bar. This nutrition bar is unlike any other on the market. Their motto is “Every Ingredient Matters” because every single thing that goes into each organic nutrition bar has a nutritional purpose. There website goes on to explain that there are no fillers. Other companies bulk up their bars with things like puffed brown rice. Sounds healthy, and it’s not that it’s bad for you, it’s just nothing. It’s air. It’s a filler.

It is a protein bar, a fiber bar, a snack bar, an energy bar, a nutrition bar. It’s food! If you’re looking for something that is truly 100% natural, look no further! GoodOnYaBar currently offers 3 different flavors: Breakfast Bar, Peanut Butter Dark Chocolate Bar and the Peanut Butter Honey Bar. Of those three the Peanut Butter Honey was my preferred bar by far.

At 10g protein, gluten free, your total daily fiber requirement and a great source of Iron, I was very drawn to the nutritional benefits of the bars as well as what company behind the bars.

GoodOnYaBars has generously offered a Sample Pack to a Reader! You will receive one of each of the 3 flavors: Peanut Butter Dark Chocolate, Peanut Butter Honey Bar and a Breakfast Bar.

To Enter (mandatory): Visit the GoodOnYaBar.Com and tell me one thing you learned

Extra Entries: (pick and choose or do them all…if it says +2 that indicates you should leave TWO separate comments for each one. +3….THREE separate entries/comments etc)


-Like GoodOnYaBar on Facebook + 2

-Follow GoodOnYaBar on Twitter  +2

-If you subscribe so I can Quack into your email give yourself + 5

-If you follow me on Twitter leave your handle in the comment +2

-If you’re a Quacker (BCC follower via GFC) +2

-Tweet the giveaway: this can be done twice daily at least one hour apart until 7/9. Leave a separate entry/comment for each tweet.

Enter To #WIN 3 GoodOnYaBars ends 7/9 http://tiny.cc/vue4z @daffybccrazy @thegoodonyabar

**giveaway open to US residents only at this time

**be sure to leave your email with at least one entry comment if it is not enabled on your profile for notification purposes. If I am unable to notify the winner, a new winner will be randomly drawn**

***I was provided product for the purpose of the review but received no financial compensation for my opinion. All opinions expressed are my own and were not swayed by the receipt of product**

Lucky Ducky

You know you've found your soul mate when…

…he says “Contrary to what you believe I do love you even though I laughed when you fell and poked you in the pooper.”

…after a thoroughly mind blowing session you lay spent and he regales you with tales of the prolapsed uterus of a cow and being elbow deep in her twat trying to shove it back in.

…he gets up at 5am on his day off to make coffee and fill your WACKER so you can take the whole pot.

…he says “Happy Easter! I bought you a chocolate bunny but…uh..I think I accidently gave it to the ex-wife.” This confession causes to you *gigglesnort* and give him an insane amount of shit which he takes in stride.

… a chip crumb flies out of his mouth while he’s talking, hits you in the forehead and after the laughter dies down he says, “That’s just like the story on your blog with you and the carrot that shot out your nose!”

…you tell him its likely your uterus is going to fall out your ass and he laughs, hands you 800mg of Ibuprofen and snuggles on the couch with you.

…He says ‘If you wash my scent of you how am I supposed to mark you as mine?” and when you respond with “Diamonds” he doesn’t swallow his tongue, foam at the mouth, disappear in a stinky cloud of burnt rubber never to heard from again. He smiles.

Me thinks me found a keeper

Schools Out For Summer!

52 Weeks of Happiness Project

SCHOOL IS OUT FOR SUMMER!!!!

...so I Lil Duck and I will be doing lots more of this

and my new session of Aqua Zumba has started!

To link up or view more photos of Happiness visit Leigh Vs Laundry

YumYum...Brilliant!!

This is one of those…now why didn’t I think of that moments! Dieting rarely works, the TRUE sense of dieting anyway, for most people. Depriving myself just makes me want something even more and living as a diabetic I know all about depravation. Life and weight management is really about MODERATION. For MOST people you really can have whatever you want in MODERATION. Some of us just choose to have no will power. Enter the YUM YUM DISHES. Even for someone like me, a diabetic, this concept has awesome potential!

For weight management/diet control you can measure out your snack/meal portion and when its gone you’re finished. It takes a little self-control to not take the whole bag of Doritos to the couch with you, but fill your dish and that’s your snack. Even too many carrot sticks can be a bad thing. With the Yum Yum Dishes I can fill the 4oz serving, know exactly how many carbs are in the dish and administer my insulin accordingly. No slapping myself a half hour later when I realize I’m STILL absently shoveling my hand from the bag to my piehole and I have no earthly idea how much I’ve eaten and if my insulin shot is going to cover it or not.

YumYumDishes come in a set of 4…with 4 fun colors so no one is fighting over which belongs to whom. Its great for the whole family! You can visit YumYumDishes.com and sign up for the Tip of the Week from Lisa Mosley. Lisa was on Season 10 of The Biggest Loser. You will receive a Tip from Lisa each Monday morning and will also receive notices of special events and promotions from Yum Yum Dishes.

YumYum Dishes is offering Batcrap Crazy readers a special $5.00 Discount code for the next two weeks if you purchase a set of YumYum Dishes! During check out enter SASS to redeem your discount. The code is case sensitive! Be sure to visit YumYum Dishes on FACEBOOK and follow along on TWITTER for extra tips and events!! Share your OWN tips and tricks in your weight management/loss journey to a healthier you! YOU CAN EVEN BE FEATURED ON THEIR NEW YOUTUBE PAGE!! They want to feature videos from Quackers about how YOU use portion control and Yum Yum Dishes to eat healthy.

Hows Your Stock Look?

Stock portfolio? Meh…more like stock as in what you come from…breeding…bloodline, inbred, family tree… doesn’t fork?…no branches?… curbside special?…..THAT kind of stock, not market. Ever wondered what kind of species of Duck I am?

Hmmmmm? No?

*shrug* Gonna tell ya a little about it anyway. My folks are a great couple. Celebrated 41 years of marriage this year and I’m thinking humor is one of the few ways they’ve survived….that and every so many years they’ve increased the number of square footage in their home to a comfortable 3,000 now. Yeah…for just the two of them….they may be on to something. Anyecho…MotherDuck is a lovely mixture of June Cleaver and Maxine and father Duck….well…I don’t suppose there really IS a good description of him. He tells jokes like “Why do gorillas have big nostrils….because they have big fingers”. The terrible part? People actually laugh when he tells the joke. Me? I get Crickets. Damn good thing I have a nice ass. Yeah… I don’t know either. Doesn’t really have anything to do with bad joke telling. I digress.

There’s a city in MIddleAmerica called Tightwad. I’m thinking maybe FatherDuck passed through and named it. I tell you this in preface to sharing that they FINALLY bought their first GARMIN (after HOURS of research and sale comparison) a couple of weeks ago in preparation for a short weekend roadtrip (they STILL do not have cable television…we grew up very Amish-ish). MotherDuck says it was mostly because they could no longer read the paper map even with a magnifying glass. I believe it –ever practical.

At my insistence they picked out a name for it. Its always more fun to have a name to scream when yelling at inanimate objects. ( Because I said so….trust me on this) So my suggestion went a little like this – via text of course cause my Momma is kewl –

Daffy: Mom, ya gotta name it after Dad. How much fun would it be to scream ART WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU TAKING US? ART THAT’S THE WRONG WAY! DAMNIT ART, YOU SUCK!! YOU SO WEREN’T WORTH THE MONEY ART!

MommaDuck: You have a point. However I cannot name it after your father. It would be money wasted…we would NEVER get anywhere… it would NEVER ask for directions!! LOL <---see I learned a new one!

Daffy: Damn. Good point.

MommaDuck: Your father has chosen a name. She will be called Helen. As in ‘WHERE IN THE HELEN WE GOING?”  He is so punny. Not. Its going to be a long trip. Pray for me.

I’m pretty sure I didn’t fall far from the tree and I’m actually very okay with this. At least I made it out of the tree and I come from good stock even if I tell bad jokes and no one laughs.

Take Out at Home - SaS

I'm gonna steal a bit from Adrienzgirl here...."We all the love the convenience of take out. However, I personally do not love the calories associated with take out. Nor do I love the sodium, or the fact that I have no idea what the ingredients are or where they came from. Hello? Mystery meat? BLECH!" So...this week's theme for Share A Spoon is Take Out At Home...quick, easy, good and not nearly as much guilt.

Stir Fry at Home

What You Need:

Red/Green/Orange/Yellow Peppers

Medium Yellow Onion

Broccoli

Sirloin Steak - cut into thin strips

Boil in a Bag White Rice (for easy prep or regular quick cook white rice)

2 Bottles of Stir Fry Sauce

Olive Oil or Sesame Oil

What To Do:

Cut all veggies into thin strips

Cut and trim fat from sirloin

Brown meat in skillet and set aside

4 Tbs of olive oil in skillet and add veggies....may add more oil if needed....saute veggies until soft and you notice some searing of vegetables. Add meat in and stir fry sauce. Simmer until well coated and hot.

In a separate bowl cook rice to box directions

SERVE: Stirfry mix ontop of white rice season with soy sauce if desired



Imma Gonna Slap A Mule - Tuesday Tirade

Seriously? Really? Remind me again how old you are? I know everyone does it….no one is SOOOO perfect that you haven’t engaged in it a time or two yourself and if you claim you haven’t then I call bull shit! However there IS a tactful way about it.

Saturday morning we had an awesome turnout for the summer Zumbathon. One hundred percent of proceeds went to benefit the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation this time around. I was able to be extra involved behind the scenes in this one besides just burning 1000 calories and working out for 2 hours while raising money for a good cause (one I have much interest in!) The 100+ degree heat indexes and suffocating humidity broke just in time for our first outdoor event. It was an awesome 70 degrees NO humidity and even cloudy at the start of our event early early Saturday morning. So what has me so fired up as to warrant a link up to the Tirade Tuesday with BabesRockinMami?

The JACKASSES running the sound. They belonged to a couple of the instructors...by marriage. Elevated and on the staging area they had prime view of the courtyard where the participants were…..participating. Zumba is a PHENOMENAL workout! If you’ve ever tried it you know it either takes patience and/or a very “I don’t give a shit what I look like attitude”, unless of course you actually have rhythm. Its hard enough to just join a class when you don’t know whats going on but to hit a charity event that is OUTSIDE, in a PUBLIC place where anyone strolling by can WATCH takes guts! So to have these two douchecanoes standing with a prime view making fun of those exercising had me boiling. If I noticed then surely other people did too.

Granted there WERE women there who made VERY poor clothing choices and there WERE women there ranging from 18 to 70 (YOU ROCK GRANDMA!) and there WERE women there who had never done Zumba before….all the perfect concoction for immature finger pointing and fun making. I am not denying you your fun or saying that I’ve never poked fun at someone. … HOWEVER,  DON’T do it with without wearing sunglasses. If I can see your eyes so can the women at whom you’re staring and poking fun. DON’T cover your mouth while nodding in a direction and then dissolve into a fit of giggles like you’re 15. DON’T GESTURE – PERIOD. Women know when you’re talking about their boobs….I’m guessing you HAD to get married cause that’s the only way you were gonna laid on a semi regular basis FUCKTARD. And seriously? NON EFFN STOP for the ENTIRE 2 HOUR WORKOUT? You’re that bored? Play Angry Birds shithead and enjoy your ice cold water from your cooler, your lovely little lounge chair in the shade while the rest of us raise money for a worthy cause and enjoy what we are doing.

Shit like that pisses me off! Its hard enough to get people out to an event….hell just to a class! Almost EVERYONE is self conscious and they just made it worse. It is very possible that many people will not participate in such an event again because of said jackassery. Grrr…..

End Rant.

Get Sauced! Dating in 2011

Who needs speed dating, internet match up sites or social media for dating when all you gotta do is run for the border?! They can even take care of your first date meal, second date meal, third and fourth meals! The secret is in the sauce my Quackers. ( I'm thinking Lil Duck is smart by getting the most for her money (er...MY money) and choosing a favorite dining establishment -lovingly referred to as Toxic Hell- that has multiple services with just one purchase.)

Even if you fancy yourself a celebrity they can take care of that. From the initial meet to the final sayonara jackass – you can drop your texting plan….its time for packet action!

...the pickup...

...Foreplay...

...Lust? Love?....

 ...The Breakup...

Amicable? No problem….

...So see? The Sauce has it covered!

GET SAUCED!
**This is NOT a sponsored post by Toxic Hell...I was bored while eating there one day and wasted a ridiculous amount of time taking photos of sauce packets.

I Found THE ONE - Your Lips Will Never Be The Same! (giveaway)

...Irishman waiting for the Duck

 Duck Enters stage left...

**smoocchies**    **smoochies**

"Hi"

"Hi babe"

…rubbing lips… “uh whatcha got on your lips? Mine just went numb.”

  THAT’S the power of my poison! BWAAAHAAAAA!!!!!

Actually it’s this AWESOME new ENERGY lip balm from ECO LIPS. Infused with caffeine, B12 and Green Tea it packs a tingly punch with application and is my new favorite addiction! I love their balm SO much it has quickly replaced my stash of cherry Vaseline. It isn’t waxy or heavy. It IS luxuriously LONG LASTING and moisturizing which truly amazed me. So many claim to be but don’t deliver. ECO LIPS REALLY DOES! I wasn’t reapplying every 30 minutes like I do with all my other lip addictions. It was FABULOUS and I know I won’t ever have to search the shelves again for I have FOUND THE ONE! Soft, moisturizing, light, healing...sigh...its dreamy!

This is one of those products that totally sells itself…if only you’ll try it! Not only is the product fantastic but the company behind it, Eco Lips, really is amazing…coincidence? I doubt it. All natural, organic pesticide free products that you love and a company dedicated to giving back! They have a line of Cause Balms…a portion of what you pay goes to the charity associated with that specific balm. What an awesome idea! And they support a wide range of charities the world over. A product you can feel good about all the way around! They even use solar energy at their processing plant in Iowa! They really know what it means to GO GREEN.

This PHENOMENAL product has made an awesome journey from founder Andrea’s kitchen table to lips all around the world now with even the option to purchase in bulk with your own label! There’s a category of balms to fit everyone on your list including the kids and with all natural ingredients its perfectly fine if they eat it (like Lil Duck does! She loved hers too btw!). For those of you who like a little color there is even a tinted line.

Eco Lips is offering one reader an Eco Lips Gold Balm on an Eco Clip! You’ll love it! Mine goes EVERYWHERE with me and with that nifty little clip I never have to dig or search for it!

*giveaway open to US and Canada residents only*

ENTER TO WIN (must do first): Visit either Eco Lips FACEBOOK PAGE and LIKE them or follow on TWITTER - if you do both you can count it as TWO entries! **Leave a separate comment for each if you do both.**

Extra Entries: (pick and choose or do them all…if it says +2 that indicates you should leave TWO separate comments for each one. +3….THREE separate entries/comments etc)


- If you subscribe so I can Quack into your email give yourself + 5

- If you’ve entered any of the other current giveaways +3 per giveaway

- If you follow me on Twitter leave your handle in the comment +2

-If you’re a Quacker (BCC follower via GFC) +2

-If you've grabbed my button and posted it on your blog +1

-If Batcrap Crazy is posted on your blog roll +1

- Tweet the giveaway: this can be done daily at least one hour apart until 6/26. Leave a separate entry/comment for each tweet.

Enter To #WIN EcoLips Gold Balm and Eco Clip ends 6/26
 @ecolips http://tiny.cc/vk4ir @daffybccrazy

**be sure to leave your email with at least one entry comment if it is not enabled on your profile for notification purposes. If I am unable to notify the winner, a new winner will be randomly drawn**

***I was provided product for the purpose of the review but received no financial compensation for my opinion. All opinions expressed are my own and were not swayed by the receipt of product**

Beer-a-rita - Share A Straw

It is THAT time! Summer patio parties, lounging by the pool, evenings on the deck...

Share A Spoon presents...

Beer-A-Ritas

A new spin on the margarita...its less acidic, easier on the stomach and less carbs if you use the exact tequila the recipe calls for! SCORE SCORE and WINNING!!

CAMARENA BEER MARGARITAS

1 CAN  (12 oz) frozen limeade concentrate, partially thawed.
1 1/2 cups 100% Agave Camarena Reposado or Silver tequila
1 can (12oz) Carbonated Lemon-Lime soda
1 bottle (12oz) of your favorite lager-style beer
1 lime, cut into wedges
Kosher salt and ice

In a large pitcher, combine limeade concentrate, tequila, soda and beer; stir well to combine. Rub rim of each glass with lime wedge and dip in kosher salt. Fill glasses with ice.  Pour margaritas over ice and garnish each with a lime wedge. Makes six 8 ounce margaritas.

NOW! Hop over to THINK TANK MOMMA and see what other wonderful Summer refreshments you can find! Punches, sangrias, beer lemonades....the concoctions are limitless! GO...READ...LINK...DRINK

SwimSuit Etiquette/Pool Time Tips

SwimSuit Etiquette/Pool Time Tips

1. Buy One Size Up

No really….trust me. Your ass is bigger than you think. I know….I know… I’m the bitch but everyone else will be you’ll be thanking me. Your husband/boyfriend/BFF/sister/mother done did lied to you! If you’re among the lucky few that REALLY don’t have to do that…*jazz hands*  here…have a cookie.

2. Put your contacts in prior to showering or invest in some lasix eye surgery so you can see what you’re shaving. Arriving to the pool/beach appearing to be smuggling chia pets in your bikini bottoms while not TECHINICALLY illegal….SHOULD BE! *VOM*




3. NO SPEEDOS PERIOD



4. If your beach bag contains your laptop, Blackberry, iPad, legal pad, accordion folders, overhead projector, screen, printer, 3 reams of paper and your lounge chair resembles the ergonomical chairs sold at OfficeDepot, keep your pastyass AT THE OFFICE or call in with Anal Retinal Detachment (can’t see your ass coming in to work). It is SUPPOSE to be a stress free zone. I mean really, I need to be able to relax to the shrieking of the 4 zillion kids running on wet pavement, diving into the shallow end, perfoming atomic splashes while bellowing CANNON BALL and getting pool water in my beer. Mmmkay?!

5. If I appear to be asleep I am it is merely an illusion…my sign should read:

Leave me the hell alone

SUNGODDESS MEDITATING



You're welcome



**all photos compliments of google images