Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Blow It Out Your Mule

....if I could only mail these....except with the insurance one I actually did get to say most of that *big grin*

Yo Bass-Ass

Please do turn it up just a LITTLE more, would ya?! If I concentrate enough I just might be able to figure out what the hell you’re listening to based on the pattern of movement rippling my rearview and side mirrors. Even the coins in my change holder are rattling. SO ANNOYING! ……..On the upside, it is SO loud you’re actually giving a nice vibration to my Ben Wa balls so I’m not too cranky at the moment.

~Sincerely,
Smiling


Dear Health Insurance:

BLOW IT OUT YOUR MULE…er uh I mean…. You DENY my prescription refills and I call you to find out why. Your explanation is that it is your way of “ENCOURAGING” me to switch to your mail order pharmacy for my maintenance medication. Let’s look at this logically. Like I’m REALLY going to say “Oh…okay. I ignored the 4,000 ads I received in the mail about the mail order pharmacy…you cost me an extra $120 because I had to pay OUT OF POCKET for TWO scripts that I had to have but you denied refilling and now I have to make ANOTHER trip to the pharmacy to get reimbursed…I will have to jump through your hoops, fight with my doctor to get all my scripts rewritten for your mail pharmacy AND give you direct access to my checking account so I can save $50 a year? Sure! Sounds great!” FUCKTARD!

How about I beat the shit out of you for a week straight in hopes of “ENCOURAGING” you to share with me your lunch money every day….does that seem like a good positive way of encouraging a CUSTOMER?

~Clearly Pissed and NOT Giving You My Business

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Quacks of Happiness


52 Weeks of Happiness Project-Week 4


I love bracelets. I wasn't always a jewelery wearing kind of Duck. The older I get the more I find the time to dress myself. I find it is a fantastic way to express the sentimental side of me. I save my ears for fun stuff and dress my wrists and my neck with pieces that hold history, romance, memories, love, fun, friendship, giggles, adventure and pleasure. This charm bracelet holds but one charm and is probably my favorite Christmas gift for many reasons. It is proof positive that at least one person behind the keyboard is real....not invisible! It is proof positive that when I cry I do NOT cry alone....when I laugh I most certainly do NOT laugh alone and I sure as hell don't drink alone despite the hundreds of  miles that separate us. This little duck draws lots of attention despite her small size, not surprisingly *grin*. I consider it an instrumental piece to my 'Wonder Duck Super Hero' wardrobe.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Toxic Hell and Pheromones

Dear Taco Toxic Bell Hell Chica:

I realize this is probably your first job and I commend you for your drive to be a productive member of society as opposed to your lazy freeloading counterparts. I have to admit I was very surprised to learn that pheromones could over power the smell of taco stench from the food prep area. It took me awhile to recognize what was happening.

First you rang up the order wrong, even though it wasn’t complicated…. Pintos and cheese, a small drink for Lil Duck and a #9 for me. Then you fumbled my debit card and forgot our drink cups. Initially I chalked it up to you being a little wet behind the ears, then I looked over my shoulder and spotted the two Justin Bieber wannabes that entered.

Ahhh…. You aren’t green… your brain fell out of your vagina.

~The Woman With Excellent Kegel Muscles

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Lost and Found - Happiness Project


Five years ago I had the joy of shooting a series of photos with BigSis and her Heart's Song. I chose a couple of the shots for today's third installment in the 52 Weeks of Happiness Project because what once I feared was lost has been found. Total providence! Several moons ago, a few weeks after BigSis died my laptop was smushed to smitherines and along with it thousands of photos and a few audio files of her last view voicemails...all unrecoverable. I found a flash drive and guess what was on it...God's grace....

52 Weeks of Happiness - Week 3






You can also find me Spring Cleaning with Kristin and Post It Note Tuesday hosted at Only Parent Chronicles...check it out and get sticky!

Monday, March 21, 2011

BigGirl Panties-Rip Em Off & Other Things I Learned

Let's face it...there's no possible way any one of us can live long enough to learn everything the hard way. So here I am to help you by sharing a bit of what I have learned. You're welcome. If you're among the special elite who happen to already know everything? Well then, stop reading at the end of this sentence and enjoy the cookie I'm about to buy you.

Life Lesson #288
Elastic in big girl panties never snap. The more you hike, the more they stretch. They are super duper duper duper stretchy which means you gotta keep hiking....or just rip 'em off.

Life Lesson #169
Some days just require glow in the dark bubble bath. (someone should invent vibrating bubbles)

Life Lesson #712
Any excuse for cherry pie is a good one. Including the fact that the sun is shining or that it is 8:23am.

Life Lesson #88
There isn't always a real live person attached to every voice riding my train of thought. Often this means other people are confused by me.

Life Lesson #992
Love shows up in the strangest of conversations including ones about being elbow deep in the vagina of a cow because you had to shove her uterus back in. Lucky is the person who can recognize such love.

Life Lesson #1234
Sometimes life requires you to lock yourself in the bathroom with a pint of Starbucks icecream. It is perfectly acceptable to tell your children "mommy's tummy is sick" so you don't have to share.



Want to see what else I've learned? Check it out HERE or HERE

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Limericks St Patty's Style

In some cities you wear a spot of green, maybe go braless and have a green beer at happy hour today. My city? It shuts down and no one works. Everyone fills the streets for the better part of the day and the drinking starts at breakfast...green eggs and ham, green beer, green coffee, green whatever. To say its huge is an understatement. For this one day EVERYONE has some Irish in them and if ya drink enough you're likely to end up with 'some' Irish in ya.

There's a fabulously infamous underground Irish pub. This lovely video clip is from a recent trip the Irishman and Ducky took to this pub along with some friends. This performance inspired me to try my hand...here's my two and then I'll leave to the professional:

To the Irish I raise my glass!
With fancy tailfeathers I shake my SASS
With the Leprechauns luck
I'll make a buck
no bra, no panties,
BOTTOMS UP!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a blog with a duck
a few bad feathers she did pluck
She came out from her rock
into life she did walk and
now she's happy as fuck

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Happiness Project - What's in YOUR Bed?


Happiness Project Week 2

I’m just going to put it out there, judgments be damned. I am a co-sleeping parent. Hasn’t always been that way but the last 10 months life isn’t what I planned it to be and you surf or drown. Ducks don’t drown….justsayin. I have my list of excuses reason like its just me and Lil Duck so why not? She begs for the cuddle time, who am I to refuse? And selfishly I can’t imagine missing the extra giggle and talking time we have once we go to bed. I get up at 4:30am so my bedtime is pretty much the same as hers. My expensive friend would tell you its my newly found fear of missing even one moment in the life of My Heart since tragically losing my sister this past May. Meh…

So having explained all that, it made me chuckle this morning when changing the sheets and first I had to remove a cow, a horse, a giraffe, a deer, a duck and a white plastic plate. I just sleep with a bank of pillows but she has a whole cotton picken barn.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Lil Quacks from the Pond and Beyond

Ahhh babes..... the wee ones I speak of not the hawt ones from BayWatch. When surrounded by them you just can't take life too seriously. So to start this craptastic snowy Monday I give you a few snippets from Lil Duck and the Boogerlickers I work with. Pray for me....

artwork complements of  some Boogerlickers


"....do you know what thunder is? Thunder is the rain farting!" ~ Lil Duck, 2 1/2 yrs old

while I wearing a seaweed mask one night during her bath time she says, "MOM! Oh no! Your face died!" ~Lil Duck 2 1/2 yrs old

Valentines Day on student to another while making cards...."Will you draw me a boner?" - 4th grade

a shithead Boogerlicker.... "Eat me, cracker!" - 4th grade

3rd grader to Ms. Daffy: "Are you allergic to duct tape? I'm allergic to duct tape....."

Girl: "Ms Daffy, how do you sign 'Don't touch' ?"
me: "Why? What are you doing? What happened?"
Girl: "We're playing spin the bottle"
~3rd grade

Please pray for me


Saturday, March 12, 2011

The Duck On Tour

During Duck Fest I was taken under the wing of the Queen. Life has many mysteries and beauties and the power to draw and unite people in times of death is one of them. Being so graciously inducted in to the Royal Family has afforded me many new friendships in and out of blogging. The Royals have been on a wild road trip all week and as the pet Duck I've earned a free ride. I also, by default, fall under Royal protection. Here's the video the Queen made just for me!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

I Give You Tittybits

Ever wonder a bit about the fingers behind the keystrokes? What makes the mind behind the blogs you follow tick? Don't give a duck's quack? Heh...might wanna keep on movin' on then... got a few questions, plucked a few answers.... I give you tittybits of ME!...

You are an interpreter. Ever want to in the back of your mind cuss someone out while doing your thing?
Oh definitely! There were times when I was working my ass off and knew my high school kids weren't paying any attention to me. Just to confirm it and have fun I'd throw stuff in about thier mom being a hooker or something just to see. And sure enough... narry a reaction I'd receive.

Tell the audience why you chose Daffy as your 'name'? (I know why, most probably don't know why)
Because I don't taste like chicken. heh....because Daffy Duck doesn't wear pants.  Not really...let me sum it up this way and bring out my inner word dorK: Daffy is a derivative of DAFT
 
daft : adjective (Informal, chiefly Brit.)
1. stupid, simple, crazy, silly, absurd, foolish, irrational, unwise, senseless, giddy, infantile, goofy, foolhardy, idiotic, inane, fatuous, loopy (informal), witless, crackpot (informal), out to lunch (informal), dopey (informal), puerile, imprudent (informal), scatty (Brit. informal), asinine, gonzo (slang), imbecilic, doolally (slang), off your head (informal), off your trolley (slang), up the pole (informal), dumb-ass (slang), wacko or whacko (slang) I wasn't so daft as to believe him.
2. ridiculous, foolish, impractical, ludicrous, pointless, unrealistic, unreasonable, unwise, preposterous, laughable, farcical, illogical, unworkable, foolhardy, nonsensical, half-baked, fatuous, risible, ill-conceived, impracticable, hare-brained, dumb-ass (slang), cockamamie (slang, chiefly U.S.) Now there's a daft suggestion!
3. crazy, mad, mental (slang), touched, nuts (slang), barking (slang), crackers (Brit. slang), insane, lunatic, demented, nutty (slang), deranged, unhinged, round the bend (Brit. slang), barking mad (slang), not right in the head, not the full shilling (informal) It either sends you daft or kills you.

Let's say you have an office. You are meeting with five people and someone else is doing the talking. You fart. What's your next, initial reaction? Pause for 30 seconds then look at the person in the meeting I like the least with a quick wrinkled disgusted look then return my gaze to the speaker.
 
Something you do better than anyone else - what is it? Snort when I laugh - I have perfected it and know how to make it contagious.

Would you shave your head for $1,000? No, I'd rather just donate or work out for an insane amount of time to raise the money. I'm vain I guess. There is very little I splurge on with regards to myself but my hair is one of my splurges. Bad days aren't so bad if you have great hair (and shoes).

If you could cure yourself of Diabetes, would you be willing to lose a finger on each hand? No. It would require a new profession. My hands are my livelihood. I'm good at what I do and its not every hooker that can say she does her passion day in and day out. *snort*

Ever have a one night stand? I've got one next to my bed right now but its ugly. I'm gonna throw it out.

If a cow laughed what would shoot through its nose? Great green globs of greasy grimy gopher guts

What's your favorite phrase? Not everyone can be the princess, someone has to sit on the curb and wave as I go by....... oh that's more like a sentence isn't it?! Hmm.... probably most recently I'd have to say I find myself repeating "It will be what it will be".

20 years ago, Magic Johnson announced he had HIV. Is he bluffing? PURPLE! That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Ever given anyone a dutch oven? I have not but I'm restoring me...its definitely in the blueprints (let that serve as a warning).

And THAT has been a wee little about MOI (I think thats a fancy way of saying me). Did we miss anything? Got a pressing question? Feel free to drop it in the comments. I don't embarrass easily so ask away and a lovely round of applause for creative questions from JG at I Carried A Watermelon.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

ComeOn Everyone Get Happy!


I've admired weekly for a year now Leigh's photos of the little things in life that make her happy. A photo whore nut myself, I'm constantly snapping pictures of what may seem like the most mundane and normal of moments. I can and DO spend hours and hours going back through my photos often lost in my own reverie. I'm linking up today. I love the way the world looks through the lens of a camera and it needn't be a $4,000 expensive dslr (although my birthday IS just around the corner). I have a simple Canon PowerShot that I use the piss out of.

Today I chose this shot....
Now it may seem like an odd subject to be my first in the 52 Weeks of Happiness project but we all have reasons right? I happen to love the composition of it...not to mention the fact that there were three of us sprawled out on the ground giggling and laughing trying to grab the best shot of this old gnarly tree in the yard of  a Methodist church in a small historic town just a short drive from the pond. Its a snap shot taken from a weekend spend with wonderful friends that was full of side splitting laughter, stories from way back when and new moments of great fun to add to the bag of stories for future get togethers. When you take all that into consideration, I think it fits well into the parameters of the 52 Weeks of Happiness Project.

Love photography? Hop a wave and check out the other link ups and take a moment to notice what small, or large, young or Old and gnarly things make you happy.

And if you're jonesn for Post It Notes, be sure to hit up Kristin over at Only Parent Chronicles! She wont disappoint!

Friday, March 4, 2011

Madame Duckalicious, Keeping It Real

So its been one of those weeks…14 hour work days…waking up litterally numb shoulder to finger tips. That’s just a perk of the job and before you get too imaginative on just what kind of profession might make my hands numb, I’ll remind you that I’m a sign lanuguage interpreter. I’ve gone green again and it has nothing to do with tree hugging and loving the environment. I’m not complaining…too loudly anyway. I have some really awesome irons in the fire and while most of those are shrowd in confidentiality clauses I can tell you that one day this duck may be in visiting you in your very living room…provided you have children that is. Hint: look for the little bubble *grin*

Anypilotshowdonefilming, I was in need of some sarcastic adult humor. I’ve been surrounded by all things sweet, cheesy and child related this week. Figured it was Friday and totally time for some Re-DoScopes! What say you? Allow me a moment to switch hats and shoes (because shoes DO make all the difference!)

*ahem* MADAME DUCKALICIOUS IS IN:


“You can not ignore others. Instead go with the flow”

My Re-DoScope THEY FOUND YOU AGAIN! Get drunk and plug the phone back in. At least it will be more entertaining that way



“Allow yourself the luxury of work and only work.”

My Re-DoScope Get your broke lazyass to work! The socialist party isn’t going to rule forever!



“Be open and honest about your feelings towards others today. Your receptive nature should be ready.”

My Re-DoScope Feel free to tell people to piss off and that their face makes you wanna vom. Or that their choice of shoes is wretched. Have your flippin finger ready…a return insult is sure to follow.



“Your ability to see the big picture helps clarify a problem.”

My Re-DoScope Kudos for buying the jumbo mirror. Now you can see what everyone else does when you walk away.



“You make an impression wherever you go. Teamwork brings success.”

My Re-DoScope  DAMN! You FUGLY! A pimp is a wise investment.




Again....I just like mine better! Have a fantastic Friday Quackers! 

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

I Say Go Stick It

It's Tuesday. Time to get titillated about throwing up some Post Its and linking up with Kristin at OPC (Only Parent Chronicles).



Only Parent Chronicles