Monday, February 28, 2011

Who's Fault Is It?

It's Monday...let's go Anonymous. Every now and then a person needs to just get it out and doesn't always have the space or place to do it. The pond is a great place to get it out of YOUR bottle (*note to skimmers* which means this isn't written by me) , stick it in MY bottle and toss it out on a wave. Yes!...there are waves in my pond so SHUTIT!  Here is one blogger's message from a bottle....


 Who's Fault Is It?....I’d like to say my mother. I would like to blame her sometimes physical and always emotional abuse. I would like to say that it’s all her fault but I had to have a part in it. I know that now as an adult it’s only up to me to fix it. She denies any and all abuse. She actually laughs about things that are some of my most painful memories. One is when she would beat us with a riding crop and chase us around with a broken table leg. When she would get so mad she would throw everything out of the cupboards, a coffee pot came straight at me down the stairs one time. She laughs. She says I’m ‘oh so funny’ and she frequently brings them up when I see her, like a drug addict who yells ‘oh yeah like that time you say I smoked that meth’ all the time to make the truth seem ridiculous.

This isn’t about the physical, this is about the mental. My weight and her hand in destroying all of my self esteem (which I promise I have found now but it took me 22 years). I don’t remember when I started getting chubby, I think that I was probably in first grade so that would put me at 6 or 7. I remember that my mom would make cookies, mac an cheese, cakes and lots of cheap processed foods. I don’t remember many vegetables except for French fries. I only recently in the last couple years started really eating fresh veggies. She would make us this crap food and of course my brother and I got chubby and she would berate me for it. I would be weighed and then told I was too fat. She would pinch my belly and tell me I shouldn’t eat. When I was a little girl. She never taught me how to eat right or how to take care of myself. She was sure to teach me to stuff my feelings down with food, how to hate myself so much that I found comfort in cookies and candy and how to become invisible in hopes that she wouldn’t notice me and wouldn’t talk to me that day because it was always cruel. When I was 10 I remember she started telling me that she had lost a lot of weight when we were younger so I could do it too. She didn’t mention that she was doing this by alternatively starving herself or binging and barfing. She would tell me ‘you have such a pretty face, if only you weren’t so fat.’ Or ‘do you REALLY need to eat that (the dinner she had cooked and put in front of my face) because your clothes are already tight’. When I was 10. My little sister was always skinny (she is no longer that way) so skinny that we had to safety pin her XS clothes, she was just a teeny tiny girl. She had a different Dad so I assumed a different metabolism, maybe she didn’t inherit our mothers, she is struggling with weight now so who knows? Anyway, she would tell me that I couldn’t have new clothes like the little kids because it was ‘too expensive’ to buy my big clothes and how it was unfortunate that later she couldn’t pass down my clothes to my sister because they would be WAY too big. I could go on and on but you get the idea, she made me feel ashamed about my body, like I was less of a person because I wasn’t skinny. I had no idea that I wasn’t ‘normal’ sized until she started pointing it out. I remember one summer I was out in a bathing suit and playing with friends and not caring and then the next summer I would wear a tee shirt into the pool and not get out (I think I was 12) until it was time to take the kids home and my friends would beg to know what happened, why was I being so strange and acting so differently. I hadn’t cared before what was the big deal now. I let her in my head and control how I felt and it lasted until I was 22. Even now at 26 when I have seen my parents (I currently haven’t spoken to my mom for longer then a minute, and that was only once, in over a year. She continues to be mentally abusive and is in therapy.) or my siblings it’s always about weight. Who has lost, who has gained and who’s ordered too much food. All of my parents love is wrapped up in looks. If I lost weight they gave me more attention and love and took me out and if I gained they would barely look at me and want me to stay at home. I have rarely met my parents friends or co workers because they are ‘too busy’ but I know the truth. They are embarrassed. I remember one time they promised my sisters and I $1500 if we got down to 135 and went to the doctor and had him/her send my parents a letter. We have all struggled with weight and self esteem our entire lives. Sure I grew confidence through friendships and in school I loved my art classes and it was good but when I went home I went home to abuse, fighting between my mom and dad, babysitting the kids, being more responsible then I feel I should have had to be. School was my escape, she never let me go and do things unless I had asked for weeks or had a way to do it without her help. Once my step dad came into the picture she loosened the hold for a little bit and at 16 I moved out of her home (and then moved back at 18, out at 19, in at 22, out at 23). After years of this abuse and self loathing I took back control at 22. I had just gotten out of an emotionally and physically abuse relationship and moved back to my moms, what’s always confused me is as terrible as she was in my childhood as an adult she has always stepped in to ‘save the day’, I don’t know if it’s out of guilt or remorse or what. Anyway, 22 I started working out and avoided relationships. I worked, worked out, spent time with family, worked. I was in a small town of 700 where no one knew me or my past or where I came from. I could just be ME with these people. It was the most liberating time of my life. I became confident, outgoing, independent, couldn’t be told no and it was amazing. I finally felt like me, the real me, the me who was trapped under all of the stuff. She’s still in there but currently I have been struggling, I have stopped looking in the mirror from the neck down. I have stopped dolling myself up. I have stopped caring and I’m trying to get that back. That bright, vibrant and lovely woman is in here. I just have to find her again. I will not succumb to the darkness of my past but I don’t know how to dig myself out right now.

I just wanted to post this here to get it out, put it out there and let people know it happened. I feel like if I do this then it will let the power it has over me loosen. I know more then likely no one who reads this knows me or my mom and she will probably never know how she affected me. I have tried talking to her about it but she just laughs it off and says it never happened.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Boob Envy

I spent the evening trying my best to look everywhere but the peaks that were peeking ....okay popping......well BURSTING out the top of her scoop neck t-shirt. It was game night at my girl friend's house...I'm wild and crazy like that. Sorry to ruin it for the pervs but it wasn't an "OH MY GOD I WANT TO MOTORBOAT THAT" moment but more of an "oh man! I wanna fill out a shirt like that" kinda thing.

I know I was caught by others that were there a time or two staring and at first I was embarrassed but then...meh...boobs are a beautiful thing, right?! So how is that no one else noticed them? Maybe its just because I want new ones? Or I'm just not skilled at the art of deceptively ogling boobies? OR it could've been the kickass necklace she was wearing kept drawing my attention first; then I couldn't help but notice one thing with out the others? Yes....yes, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

I'm wondering how you guys do it (yeah, my whole 2 male readers or my lovely ladies who love breastes). What's the secret?

*snort* I seriously just publicly asked for tips on how to stare at boobs. CLASSY!

Let's kick start this boob fund with style so I can get over this obsession...anyone want to buy a date with me?

Heh...JUST KIDDING! I do have a wedding dress for sale though....gotta start somewhere

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Feel It! I DARE YOU







Party Hearty!! Join the movement to live a heart-healthy life!! Money raised so far through Zumbathon efforts: $189,502

For other Post Its....shake yourself on over to ThatOneMom !!! and link up

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Madame Duckalicious Is In

I read them from time to time; not because I expect them to be some great predictor of my day or my life. I don’t light candles, drink chicken blood or look to them for guidance in how to proceed with my voodoo dolls, all that gets done regardless of how they read.


Sometimes horoscopes make me laugh at the absurdity and often times I’m rolling my eyes to migraine proportions. They are all flowery and nice when really straight and to the point will do. I could do a better job of writing them…

“Things my go awry today. Don’t expect smooth sailing. You may encounter obstacles but the storm will pass...”

My Re-DoScope….. The shitstorm is in full force. Probably gonna need waders, a parka, hat, canoe, paddles (and a spare set), bigass umbrella, nose plugs and a snorkel just incase. Oh yeah…and don’t expect a rescue helicopter. Ain’t nobody give a shit. Good luck with that.


“You could be overly emotional with everything that is swirling around you. Take a deep breath.”

My Re-DoScope:…Buy stock in Kleenex and Visine. You gonna look stupid with your eyes all puffy and red and it would be wise to wear a sign that reads:

GONE VAGINAL THROW CHOCOLATE AND RUN.


“Words of wisdom are coming at you at warp-speed. Your worst problem will be trying to stay calm long enough to interpret their meanings.”

My Re-DoScop:… Opinions are like assholes…arm yourself with nose plugs and fabreeze. People will be crapping their pants at you all day. Do your best not to shove your foot up their ass. You might want to wear old shoes today just incase.


See…I just like mine better…. I may be up for a career change….

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Pasties - SMILE!

Time for some Post It fun with ThatOneMom.... Link up and show your Sticky Love.

Today, in honor of yesterday's smoocher, loverific, all things warm-fuzzy holiday.... Heart Smiles...things that make my heart smile.  All together now....awwwwwwww

Pasties..... Heart Smile Style








Okay...enough touchy feely shitola....now...Go STICK It!



Only Parent Chronicles

Monday, February 14, 2011

Synonyms For *&^*

***Notice...herein contains foul explicit unladylike language. If such offends you please choose a different post from your reader today. Cheers! and Happy VD day. (ya, Valentine's day too)

Today’s events required different childcare arrangements which translated to a different route into work this morning. A different bridge, more lanes, shorter drive, I actually arrived on time less traffic and my car was quiet inside. Rare…very rare indeed. Traffic is my nemesis and one of the few reasons I haven’t yet secured my license to conceal and carry. I’m sure a good prison bitch I would not make. Bitch? Yes…Prison Bitch? No.

It drove home the fact that I really am in desperate need of alternatives for my current driving vocabulary… ESPECIALLY when Lil Duck is riding in Harriet with me. Normally I am pretty good… I am all the flippin time occasionally caught off guard and bad mommy words tumble across my lips. She is super smart and so incredibly well spoken for her age that I must be very careful. Example: I sliced my finger whilst preparing dinner the other night…”shitshitshitshit” tumbled forth. The next morning while watching a kids Farm video she says “Shit Mom! That’s a big windmill”. Evidently she heard me.

Soooooooo….. I need some alternatives to these words. Now I don't use them ALL at the same time, in the same string, or on the same occassion. And I DO sometimes manage to successfully engage my own filter in ample time...however I really need some variety and I lack creativity which I really think would help me to stick with a new program of vocabulary. Thank you in advance for your help in making me couth…giving me some class…and removing the trash from my white. Lil Duck's future kindergarten teacher thanks you.


In no particular order...my driving vocabulary:


Dumbshit
FUCKNUT
Sonofabitch
You Stupidshithead
SHIT
Shitshitshitshit......shit
AAAAAASSSSSSSS!

Please don’t tell me silent signals work best and I should just flip people off. I’m WAY too busy texting to do that.


Heh…just joking


sorta

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Why, I Ne'vah!

Have you ever been so pissed you had no doubt your pinkie finger could easily become a weapon of mass destruction and you know it would bring you great joy to sphincter-ram your fist into a well deserving body?



Have you ever been so josen for chocolate you pulled an "oh! look dolly! A cute little squirrel on the deck!" and snatched the last Hershey kiss from the jar when your kid was trying to find the imaginary squirrel you just lied about and then blamed the dog when she turned back around and asked where her chocolate went?


Ever been so bloated you have no doubt you could've served as an extra life raft on the Titanic?

Ever been so worn out and achy from an intense workout (not because you're getting old) that you decide to take a bubble bath with your toddler? Whats the harm? She only honks your boobs every now and again and really its usually fun to play in the bubbles...she's pretty entertaining. Only this time, she gets a little over excited about being in the tub together and slips while pretending to be the Little Mermaid and you swear her big toe totally invaded your whoha.



Ever been so sleep deprived that you doze off at a red light while waiting for it to turn green....at noon...on a sunny day.....



Ever gotten up in the middle of the night to get a drink and bent down to pet the dog only to realize it was a pile of dark clothes?



Meh....me neither

Monday, February 7, 2011

Swimming in Snowboots

Might come as a shocker that I can be semi-serious. No really…. I can. Don’t really like it but sometimes that’s just life right? It reaches out of nowhere and begs of you “Pull my finger”.

And then you get gassed.

When the fog clears and you’ve hacked a lung and a half while gasping for breathable air you find a whole new stack of bills waiting for you; you have a cold, the flu, explosive diarrhea and gout. You’ve managed to pick up some freelance work and the day the check comes in the mail you find out the last 4 out of 7 snow days at work aren’t going to be paid. Yeah THAT’S going to be a nice paycheck. Thanks douchcanoes. You manage to score a 10 day pack of heavy duty antibiotics (which means you paid an astronomical copay at the pharmacy) and a lovely yeasty condolence prize pack. THANKS FOR PLAYING!

Upward and onward you march (and hope to find time to blog)…..Your proton pack of sanitizer fails miserably and you’re bogged down AGAIN with some incurable infectious boogerlickeritis disease that translates to pain with movement including breathing and you beg complete strangers to punch you in the face in hopes of relieving some of the pain….yet life goes on. Right?! I mean…there are still pizzas to pull out of the oven (cause you can cover every food group with those), knuckles to burn the hell out of then drop said pizza toppings-side down on the oven door thus ruining dinner *two thumbs up* WAY TO GO, WINNER!

SUH-WHEET ice cream, M&M’s and popcorn for dinner!!

So then its bath time. I dash down to carry the dog inside and up the stairs…yes…I do this every time she goes outside. Her arthritis is getting very bad and she will go down but not up. So I return to the top and find Lil Duck climbing into the bathtub with only her snowboots on.

"Uh…whatcha doin doll?”

“Goin swimming”

“In your snowboots?”

“Sure!”

Sometimes it feels like I’m swimming through life in snowboots; when you’re 2 years old its super freaking cool. It’s all about perspective. I’m thinking from now on I will choose to enjoy swimming through life in my hotpink fur- lined snow boots….although I might choose to wear clothes every once in awhile.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

At Some Point The Pond Will Thaw

No, that doesn't mean I am a frigid bitch so shutit! Currently blanketed by the Blizzard of 2011 and battling yet another round of cooties from the boogerlickers, this Duck has definitely seen warmer healthier days (I curse you failed Proton Power Pack filled with Sanitizer! You worthless POS)

Somewhere under there is a driveway and roadway. The powder has stopped falling and blowing and now we are battling frigid freezeYOQuack temps.

I battled those temps and thigh-high snow in places to dig out my drive this morning (I am woman hear me ROAR) and while my sinuses have blissfully drained from the exertion and elements I am now coughing razor blades from my lungs. I figured I'd focus on some of my favorite things inside. While I can leave if I want now....I'm physically too damn drained to go anywhere.

So....

Say HELLO to my leetal friend....Oscar
Yes...haters...that is a Tassimo Brewbot that I won from one of the awesome Blog giveaways. And that is my FAV cup. And the mug DOES make all the difference in the world. Just ask Mimi.

EVERY girl should have a pair of humpmepumps. Even if I'm not wearing them out anywhere, just the fact that they are in my closet and I can wear them around the house if I need a mood booster rocks. They rock. I love them.


GOOGLE VIDEO CHAT and awesome friends! If you're going to be stuck inside, eventually even this antisocial duck wants to have some contact with real people in the outside world.

What keeps you busy and happy when homebound? Clip your toenails? Pluck chin hairs and knit a sweater? And if you live in one of those warm climates? Meh....I don't wanna hear about it. *sticks out tongue* I actually like my cold weather. I'm a snow fan...so go ahead...tell me about your sunshine and 70 degree weather ;-)