Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Things I've Learned For You....You're Welcome

Rule of Life #216
If you hit a prostitute with your truck, your wife shouldn't find out about it from someone else.

Rule of Life #432
Every high must have a low. Be sure your best friends are the ones willing to visit you in the gutter.

Rule of Life #1
Always have a secret chocolate stash somewhere.... ALWAYS

Rule of Life #97
If you take a ding to your SusieHomemaker status by making instant mashed potatoes for dinner, make sure you've offset it by adding a coating to your Brass Balls by successfully tackling an impressive HandyMan job.

Rule of Life #155
Dora The Explorer 3in1 Bath Soap makes for decent toilet reading when you're desperate your favorite magazine is just out of reach.

Happy Hump Day
Peace Out Quackers

Monday, January 24, 2011

Snowglobe of Stupid

“Wanna know how you can tell this whole planet is getting dumber?
The flippen Geese can’t even fly in a proper V formation,”
a friend’s Facebook status recently declared.

I’m thinking we needn’t look to the skies for confirmation of rampant stupidity but simply in the mirror around us…people….Quackers….we are living in the Snowglobe of STUPID!

First there was the guy who was attempting to clear 8+ inches of snow from his driveway with a rake. Then there was another neighbor who was using a rake to clean his car of snow. Not really sure what it is with rakes and my neighbors except that maybe with a rake they are less likely to inflict bodily injury?
And to add to the theories of the rampant infection of stupid, I visited Target. Yes Target….not even the red bullseye is immune... I round the corner in the pharmacy section to find the entire aisle blocked by a family of five.

Clustered together

Sniffing deodorant

Now, I KNOW times are tough and we’re just past the holidays so budgets are no doubt still tight (as if they ever were NOT tight) and finding cheap ways to entertain the entire family is requiring us as a whole to become more resourceful and creative.

But Seriously?

Sniffing deodorant? A family adventure?

"Hey Pa! Sniff sniff pass….sniff sniff pass…. Ma! BillyJo is hogging the OldSpice Sport!!"

Thank God it happened to be 2 degrees with a windchill of negative 15 or they might all have been in muscle tshirts and actually sniffing each other’s armpits.

*sigh*


Thursday, January 20, 2011

Quickies For the Quacker -SaS

Think Tank Momma

It's SPEEDY...arriba arriba!
Quickies for the Quacker


This week's SaS theme from Think Tank Momma is Speedy and Quick on account I asked for it *big cheeser*. I need some quick and easy meals to get on the table for me and lil Duck. No doubt I'm not the only one who finds themselves on the way home wishing there was a healthy option drive through. Thats just an oxymoron unfortunately. So here is my contribution to this week's theme. Make it as full fat or as healthy as you like. Change out regular sour cream for fat free, the same for the cheese and switch the 93% lean ground beef for ground turkey.

TACO CASSEROLE
1 lb 93% lean ground beef
1 can fat free refried beans
1 can whole kernal corn
3 8inch burrito flour tortilla shells
2 cups shredded cheddar cheese
1 cup salsa 1 package taco seasoning

choice of toppings: sourcream, black olives, lettuce, tomatoes


Preheat Oven to 350 degrees

 Brown your hamburger/ground beef/ ground turkey
drain and add taco seasoning

While the meat is browning, in a microwave safe bowl combine 1 cup of salsa and the refried beans. Warm long enough to make them easy to spread.

In an oven safe round casserole dish that has been lightly coated with cooking spray layer the following:
2 tortilla shells
1/2 the taco meat
1/2 the bean/salsa mixture
1/2 the can of corn
1/2 the cheese


put down the last tortilla shell and repeat the layers with the remaining ingredients ending with the cheese on top. Place in oven and bake for 25 minutes.


Allow dish to cool about 10 minutes for ease of serving. Top with your favorite toppings: sour cream, lettuce, black olives, salsa, guacamole etc.


 Reheats AND freezes well. Can also make ahead and refridgerate to be baked the following day.

NOW...hop over to MommaB and see what other "Quickies for the Quacker" yumminess you can scoop up!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

*Cheers* Dirty Little Freaks

Dedicated to those of us who are always wrong.... in all the right ways... (you know who you are. And if you have to sit and wonder if you're included in the group? Chances are the answer is yes)

If I had Pink's moxy...or bodyguard...I would've clucked back at the man with no teeth whom I encountered at a store over the weekend. Seeing as how I am neither Pink nor do I have a bodyguard, I chose to give him the hairy stankeye. I was afraid it was a mating call of some sort. That's the LAST thing I need!

Happy Hump Day Quackers

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Got a Ducktard? Survival Tips

Tips To Surviving Life with a Ducktard (or as a Ducktard)

If you're not sure if you are a Ducktard or if you know a Ducktard
or are living with a Ducktard read THIS first.

 
A Helmet – For You
Ducktards tend to be accident prone. This is for your own protection lest you receive an accidental kick to the side of the head. (I really am sorry about that)


The Walk Behind – when in public always walk 5 to 10 feet behind the Ducktard. This provides not only a safe distance while Ducktard is in motion but an awesome view point for klutzy mishaps. Total bonus if Ducktard has a nice ass….justsayin

Said distance also gives the option to Cut and Run if the threat of embarrassment or an immediate need for disassociation arises. It has been known to happen...


Always Carry A Camera – 9 times out of 10 people will never believe the shit that happens to a Ducktard. Photographic proof is AWESOME!


Short-term Disability Insurance – self explanatory


Sense of Humor – a MUST HAVE – One absolutely can not take oneself or life too seriously. Such an affliction is to guarantee living in a constant state of agitation and/or aggravation. Who needs ulcers? Not to mention a Ducktard is likely to find it immensely amusing to push your buttons.


Special Spending Fund Accessible Only To Ducktard - ………okay….so this one is just for me. I like shoes.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Signs You Might Be A Ducktard

You Might Be A DUCKTARD IF...

~Spend 5 minutes spinning your travel coffee mug looking for the hole to drink from. And STILL end up dumping java on your whoha.

~When draining a can of beans for dinner prep, you toss the beans down the sink and the can into the soup pot.

~While trying on a HAWT pair of Duckalicious humpmepumps and prancing around the shoe store, you stumble on the invisible bump in the carpet knocking down a display on your way to the floor.


~Realizing that you hadn’t yet ended the call with the tire store when commenting to yourself very loudly…"What did I run over? WHATDIDIRUNOVER? I’m fixin to run over your dickless corpse your ratbastard!”


~You walk out your frontdoor to get into your vehicle only to find your diveway vacant. In a mix of rage and panic you throw open your garage door stomping back in to call 911 only to find you’d parked inside for a change.


~Get lost while looking for an address on a circle drive

~Prepay cash at the gas station, return to the pump and realize that you paid for the guy at the pump NEXT to you.

 ~Take a striptease aerobics class and bring your own pole.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Uses For My Wacker

It's primary use is as intended, a coffee thermos. And let me tell you, this is the MACK DADDY of all coffee thermoses (or is it thermi). Eight hours after filling it with piping hot liquid nectar straight from the loins of the java gods, a cup trickled from its spout is just a hot and steaming as it was when initially filled. It ROCKS MY SOCKS OFF! And of course in a day and age when everything is about maximizing not only the experience but the use of something to save money/save the environment/save time/save the whales I'm always looking for additional uses for every day objects (like using toothpicks to inconspicuously poke unruly annoying third grade boogerlickers).



Enter stage left: ADDITIONAL USES FOR MY WACKER

1. The obvious: WACK A FOOL
Once I drain it of coffee I may use it to beat others, or myself over the head. Especially after moments in the classroom such as follows:

TEACHER: “ Boogerlicker, You have 4 Jolly Ranchers. You give 1 to your sister, 1 to your mom, and one to your Dad. How many are left?”

BOOGERLICKER: “The CAT!”

True story.

I was beating my head on a desk but finally made the connection between booger pickage and my surface contact. Figured it was way less cootie exposure to bring my own battering ram. Likewise if I’m not using it to WACK myself, it comes in very handy to WACK asshats that annoy me. Plus I like saying WACKER and it just feels really good in my hand. I mean, did you SEE that thing? Go ahead. Look at the picture again…. I’ll wait…..

2. To Trip People
It rolls quite well. Since it is so portable and my days begin at 4:30am Earth time, it is as constant a bag staple as are cherry Vaseline, hand lotion, and tampons. Walking down a hallway and someone gives you the hairy stank eye? ROLL A WACKER

At the Mall and someone shoulder bumps you out of the way to grab the last sweater/handbag/pair of shoes/vibrator on sale? ROLL A WACKER

3. Exercise Weight
No time to hit the gym? Let’s face it, when you get up at 4:30am, there IS NO getting up early to hit the gym BEFORE going into work. And to get up that early you have to go to bed early so there IS NO late night work out. So in between WACKing asshats, and tripping fools, you can get in some bicep curls.

4. Car Jack
This thing is STOUT….what can I say. *swoon*

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

IT ONLY TOOK 11 YEARS BUT MY EX-HUSBAND *FINALLY* ADMITTED I WAS RIGHT

**GUEST POST**

Some of you may know who I am (Kelly@SFTC). I can't put this on my blog, "Peakingsa from the Ribca dot com", because my husband reads it, and we are divorcing, and he doesn't need to know any of this because he'll just use it as an excuse to fight.

And this is long as hell, but you are only cheating yourself by skimming.

And we BOTH know who you are.

*clears throat meaningfully

My first husband sent me a message on Facebook. How he found me after I changed my name to BUTTLICKER JONES, I will never know.

It isn't what you think. He is remarried, has 2 small boys, and lives out-of-state.

Plus, he is my EX-husband. Which means I never ever ever ever ever want to have sex with him ever again.

Let's continue.

I have only spoken to my ex a handful of times since our divorce was final in 2000, but that was YEARS ago, before I remarried and he moved out-of-state.

It seems collections was calling HIM, to try and find ME.

What I find ironic is that they can find the man I divorced 11 years ago, but they can't find me.

I must be doing SOMETHING right.

After a bit of idle chit chat, he hits me with THIS:

I have 2 questions for you:

Did we BLANK in the 90s when we were dating? I have a vague recollection of BLANK. I am sorry but most of our marriage and the 90s are a fog.

(WTF. Sidenote, he was an alcoholic slash drug addict. He has since recovered).

I would just like to know if BLANK happened. I think I blocked it from my memory.

Two, is the guy you are married to now the guy you were sleeping with when we were married? You were going out late and going away on the weekends to be with this guy, right?

(Why I NEVER!!!!)

I know it doesn't matter now (actually...it does because you are wrong) but our situation is weird because after the divorce, we didn't have any mutual friends to find out what had happened and what had caused the divorce (is he serious right now? Because if he *IS* I am bouts to STAB someone).

I guess this is a third question, is it BLANK? That's the only person I can think of with that name.

And scene.

I am seething.

How DARE he.

First, our marriage, me, BLANK, every-effing-thing was a blur? A fog? One big %$&*%$## black out? That feels...not so great.

And, and, and we got divorced because *I* was sleeping around?

WRONG.


WRONG.


WRONG.

You are SO WRONG.

I reply:

Yes, we BLANKed but it was when we were married, not dating. You don't remember, because you were a drunk.

I, on the other hand, VIVIDLY remember BLANK, because the next day we were out on the boat, and I felt awful and you kept saying I was acting like a baby. How I miss those good times!

Believe it or not, I didn't date or sleep with ANYONE until the divorce was final.

The reason I was going out late, and leaving on the weekends, was to get away from you.

The reason we got divorced, is because you said BLANK to me.

That was WAY harsh to say to the wife you were supposed to LOVE.

I never deserved for you to think it, let alone SAY IT OUT LOUD TO ME. For fuck sake.

And you were SOBER.

You broke my heart.

I loved you so much, you $#@$%& moron. Even with the drink and the drugs, even with ALL the shit, I still thought marrying you was the best thing I had EVER done.

And you ruined it.

I could never get past it. There was nothing you could have done to fix it.

I switched off. And all I wanted, was to be free of you and to find someone who would never say shit like that to me ever again. (FAIL)

It is so weird to talk to you, and to instantly tap into the old anger.

Most of the time, I never have a bad thought toward you.

We both did some messed up shit over the 26 years we have known each other.

But we were KIDS.

What in the hell did we know about marriage and love?

Nothing.

I don't hate you.

I forgave you a long time ago.

I only wanna remember you as the boy that made me laugh until my sides ached, and weaseled me out of my virginity.

It is better than it sounds.

Really.

HE REPLIES.

Wow. I would have left my ass too.

I am sorry to say, I don't recall ever saying that to you, and I am a schmuck for ever saying it. You were a beautiful girl, I am sure you still are, I don't know what would ever possess me to say that. I was wrong.

(cue Hallelujah chorus)

I am sorry for all the pain and hurt and disappointment I must have caused you. I hope you can forgive me.

It took me 3 years after I got sober to have any kind of clarity, which means most of my memories from the 90s are gone, which includes you, our marriage, and our divorce.

I am very sorry.

I did love you. You were my girl since I'm 15 years old. Even when "technically" you weren't my girl....

(oh GOD, DON'T DO IT)

LOL

(stab, stab, stab. You just ruined that moment. Thanks)


IE dating someone else. We had a lot of good times and it makes me happy to think of them.

You are a great person, and you were a good wife. I was a jerk off. You had every right to divorce me. You never deserved the load of shit I made you carry. I am so sorry.


THE END
Does ANYONE ELSE feel all warm and tingly inside?

ME TOO

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Rules of LIfe-Stick It

Its that time again to hook up with That One Mom and feed the addicition. POST ITs are da bomb Quackers. My life would not happen if it weren't for these lovely tacky sqaures that my Momma calls pasties. So link up and share the addcition! Yahtzee! (<--and yell random words. DO IT, its fun)



Only Parent Chronicles


RULES OF LIFE
POST IT NOTE STYLE







(puffy hearts Kelly)



Peace Out Quackers

Friday, January 7, 2011

Accessorizing The Mumu

Little Duck spends her days entertaining Sista while I work. Sista is a GodSend! I’m brilliantly lucky her daughter and mine, at 7 months apart in age, are such inseparable cousins that they can be chained to the pole in the basement all day and not harm one another. ( <---that is sarcastic humor for those lacking it. Don’t call CPS. She is well loved and well cared for in a chain-free environment)

Yesterday when I arrived to retrieve Little Duck, I was greeted with “You’re gonna have to drop her off dirty so she fits in next week. And we need to plan some girl time for shopping. I must accessorize my new Mumu”

Me: “SUH-WHEET! Dumpster Diving!”

Turns out Sista’s dear ‘MoneyGrowsOnTrees’ Husband has been turned onto the Police recovery lot by a friend. A quick browsing venture and ‘if everything goes right’ Sista will be the new proud owner of:

2 trucks

1 trailer

1 field tiller

1 Ford engine

1 Gator thingie-mabobber

1 chainsaw


…..for the low low price of $400

You’d think maybe they live on property…..nope

Large acre lot? –nope

Own a storage unit? Extra garages? Big oversized basement?

No…negative…nu’uh

So she asks him “…and just where do you plan on putting all this shi…tuff?”

MoneyGrowsOnTrees Husband "....the backyard of course!"

Enter The MUMU

image from google images
So now, if you'll excuse me, since the backyard is soon to be over flowing it is time to help ensure the contents of the basement are barfed onto the front lawn. We strive for authenticity in our family.


Thursday, January 6, 2011

Phone Tag

Weigh in on the debate…here’s your chance to tell me I am wrong.


The Situation:

I’m footing the bill for everything. I’m needing to streamline expenses and budget trim. I look to the cell phone bill. I have a Family plan with a 2nd line. The 2nd line holder had decided to stop paying…or pay what they can when they can ‘if’ they feel like it. Meanwhile I’m paying the bill on time assuring no interruption in service and no credit issues. My options are these:

1. Cancel the 2nd line – not really an exciting option as this carries a $200 early termination fee since the plan is under contract until July of 2011.

2. Transfer responsibility of phone line #2 to user of said line

PERFECT! I’ll take Option #2 for the Ease of Everyone Involved, Alex.

I call the carrier, authorize the responsibility transfer and notify jackass 2nd line holder that all they need to do is make a phone call accepting the transfer.

EASY PEASY

OR NOT

2nd Line Holder decides they want a new carrier. He knows the line is under contract til July and see his opportunity. He refuses to accept the transfer and opens a new line with a new carrier sticking me with the the second line.

Now my options are

1. Continue to pay for the line of service until July when the contract is up but I don’t have possession of the phone, can’t control its use and the carrier will only suspend the phone’s service for 90 days. To maintain the line will cost me an additional $60/mo.

2. Cancel the line and incur a $200 early termination fee

So I picked option 2...the lesser of the two financial evils.

NOW 2nd Line Holder claims I FORCED him off the family plan and isn’t responsible for the $200.

What say you? Maybe I’m not seeing this clearly… could be my perspective is skewed??????

UPDATE/FOLLOW UP:
 Okay so here's the deal...by 2nd line holder's account the fact that we jointly entered into the contract together a year and half ago should not be taken into consideration. Because I was insiting that 2nd Line Holder take over responsibilty for the line and payment of it and he no longer wanted service with that carrier he didn't feel he should be forced into taking the line. But here's the deal...2nd Line Holder AGREED TO THE 2 YEAR CONTRACT. So by his own arguement had I not pressed the issue of him taking responsibility for paying his own bill for his line, he wouldn't have dropped service with the carrier until the contract was up. But because I was pressing the issue of responsibility and went so far as to authorize the change over from MY billing adress to HIS, he decided to switch carriers and is somehow no longer responsible for the contract? So I have to pay the termination fee and that makes ME THE BITCH? I'm not seeing it...

I'm all for going to bat for your own family...family should stick together. And I understand that often family members only get ONE SIDE of the story and usually that side is colored to support said family member. But really? A contract is a contract, period. So let me ask the family member Anon commenter...if the tables were turned, and it was I who refused to take my line even though I agreed to the contract a year and a half ago and stuck him with the $200.... I wouldn't be wrong. He would willingly pay it without taking issue with it, right?!

Monday, January 3, 2011

So You Had A Bad Day

Was going to post this last Thursday but it got bumped in favor of the Pomegranate Bubblies recipe and participating in Share A Spoon with Think Tank Momma. Adult Beverages just seemed the way to go after the day I lived. Since I went to the trouble of typing it all out, its getting posted....just a few days post occurance.

A Day in the life of Duck BOO/ YEA style


Harriet got new heels…err uh tires…. no more slippin and sliddin and NO that has nothing to do with my driving skills. She was goin bald. – YEA

$698 Bill for tires and labor – BOO

Spent 145 MINUTES at the MINUTE Clinic Tuesday to get meds for my acute sinus infection that I let go too long. I am no longer begging strangers to punch me in the face in effort to ease the pain – YEA

Blowing my nose constantly in effort to expell the chunky Shrek slime impacted in my face which means no sleeping and I’d like to schelp the schnoz off now – BOO
Lunch with friends I haven’t seen in almost 8 years and the first thing out of Chatty Cathy’s mouth was “WOW! When did you get boobs? Are those new?”
Me: “ Slipped into them this morning thanks to this rockin bra from Calvin Klein” - YEA

Finished lunched and walked to my car to find one of my new $700 tires flat as a damn pancake –BOO

Went to fill yet ANOTHER prescription and luckily they had it in the generic which meant that it was way cheaper than my insurance copay! – YEA
Found out that my health insurance had been cancelled for some unknown reason earlier in the day –BOO

Headed directly from the pharmacy to the ice cream section of the grocery store. Found some Starbucks Caramel Macchiato ice cream –YEA
 Checked my blood sugar a couple hours after downgrading from a Monster Sized spoon to a Bigass spoon and I shoulda been dead (Diabetes ROCKS!) - BOO

I'm thinking since all this happened in 2010 and all in THE SAME DAY that life was just cramming as much crap as it could into what turned out to be an EPICALLY SHITTY year. The worst in all my 31 years to be precise. Well...I suppose that isn't totally true. There were some very special hidden gifts last year that I can't imagine not having been blessed with so I'll take the good and the bad and look forward to 2011.

Happy Craptastic Monday Quackers!

*all images from google images*