Wednesday, November 30, 2011

I Tried To Eat A Tampon

It started off like a typical Monday. Half way into my commute to the inner city my whooha chugged my coffee. Yes… doesn’t everyone want a perky vagina to start their Monday? No? Yeah….me neither to be honest. Evidently that particular travel mug isn’t suppose to go in the dishwasher and the ever lazy person I am always one to follow directions, I have routinely shoved it in the dishwasher. < Insert Travel Mug Fail Here>. The bottom started leaking and I had no idea until the burning sensation reach my crochital region <--yes, I know that isn’t a word. Work with me here.

When the nether regions start burning in what seems to be an arbitrary moment most people freak out (or I assume. I really don’t know for sure), and I did. However we aren’t talking STD’s and GNYO visits here. We are talking HOT COFFEE; Peppermint Mocha from Dunkin Donuts to be exact. *le sob* This should have been my early indication as to how the rest of my Monday was to play out.  Mmmm nope. I must have eaten an extra serving of stoopid for breakfast.

Fast forward to work and a couple hours later, my blood sugar (yes, I’m a diabetic) is dropping the world is spinning and I’m blindly groping inside my monster work bag. My fingertips grasp the edge of some wrinkling foil sounding paper and my brain registers “Candy Bar ala Sugar”. I yank it, unwrap the end and go to snarf it in one bite take a bite.

SNACK FAIL

While someone somewhere may enjoy eating cotton, I do not. I hadn’t grabbed a sugar source at all but instead pulled the tampon out of the bottom of the bag. Welcome to my life. *sigh* Just par for the Monday course I suppose. The rest of the day fell along those same lines…one lovely folly after another. Yeah Me!

To add insult to injury, I stopped for a quick run in to a major retailer later in the evening. Ended up with a cart full of items including some Christmas gifts I hadn’t planned on buying yet but couldn’t pass up the prices. Headed to the check out line I reach into my pocket for my little coin purse and came out with a handful of pure fullblown P A N I C! It was gone. Dear Lord In Heaven. WHY?!

I stashed my cart in customer service and I’m sure they were really buying my “I left my purse in the car” story as I quite possibly looked full on PSYCHOTIC at that point. I stalked the parking lot, ripped apart my car, checked all my pockets ten thousand times over as if maybe it would magically appear if I patted myself down enough and I'm pretty sure I even looked skyward and screamed mouthed WHY?!. Nothing….nada…empty.

All I can say today is THANK GOD IT IS NOT MONDAY!
credits

19 comments:

A Daft Scots Lass said...

I've done that too many times to remember

"crochital region" was an Epic Success and think it should be acceptified by Oxford Bloggers Dictionary or at least considerated.

Cyn said...

nothing ensues the most animalistic state of panic like a lost coin purse/wallet -- and i speak from vast experience!

i am the queen of lost wallets & flat tires -- true story!

coffee in the *crochital* region just blows -- but not as much as a mouthful of tampon... heh!

Singedwingangel said...

Hmm Peppermint flavored hot coffee, I am betting that it burnt and yet had a oooling tingle at the same time.
I think you need a new purse it is eating things now..

Shell said...

Damn, girl- what a day!

Anonymous said...

At least your whoha smelled minty fresh. ~ Irishman

Evonne said...

Crotch coffee is the worst! And peppermint mocha - that just adds insult to injury.

Anonymous said...

Oh, you poor thing! Maybe try a chain-wallet? You'd never lose it, as it would be attached to your pants!

Carrie's Rambles said...

I am adding crotchital region to my mental dictionary.

Also, I think you may be rubbing off on me, if that is possible through internet contact

Joshua said...

Cotton's fiber right? I'd go with that. Just trying to get regular.

But did you ever find your coin purse? (Also, I'm giggling at the phrase coin purse because I'm a 12-year-old boy inside.)

Oilfield Trash said...

Oh my, I think this story right here is GOLDEN.

Two Normal Moms said...

You should go enter crotchital on urban dictionary. Just sayin'. I'm positive I'll be trying hard to work that into conversations now. And I'm with Angel - did you at least get a little tingle from the peppermint? LOL

The Naked Mother said...

My kids always pull the tampons out of my purse at the most embarrassing times. I feel your pain.

And my crochital area does too.

Babes Mami said...

Speaking of ridiculous tampon stories...the other day...so ridiculous and I've only told Jayme but it seems fitting. I walked out into the living room to a naked Nate trying to shove a tampon in his little ball sack getting all frustrated that it wasn't working. You know you can never be in the bathroom alone when you have a two year old? Yeah...he's been paying close attention.

Your welcome.

WhisperingWriter said...

Holy crap. Sounds like you need a lot of chocolate. Or booze.

I always buy more things than I intend to when I see good prices. Oops.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I tried not to laugh...but I failed.
Did it give you cotton-mouth? Bwah ha ha
I hope you found your wallet!

Ali said...

For the love of sanity can't they make a damn travel mug to go in the dishwasher... pet peev of mine.

I was taking the kids to a parade on Monday night... parked the car, talking on the phone with a friend... locked the car.. did the pat down to make sure i had the keys, camera, phone etc as we walked away and started freaking out that I had left the phone in the car.. my friend is screaming laughing in my ear!!!! Stress does funny things to a woman!

Dazee Dreamer said...

I'm sorry, but I have to laugh at the whole needing sugar cuz you are a diabetic. been there done that, but thankfully I don't have to use tampons anymore. hahaha

Mariposita Obsidiana said...

I really had to laugh at the tampon thing...I'm not a diabetic, but I come from a long line of diabetics, so I know how one can get. Instead, I have consistently low blood sugar, and on those days where I am running around like a chicken with its head cut off and forget to eat, I can see myself doing something equally ridiculous. I usually just grab the peanut butter jar and a spoon and a soda.

middle child said...

Did you find your $$ ? Try crotchitorial region. Sound better? And the biting the tampon thing just gave me the chills and barfy feeling all at once cuz it's like nails on a chalkboard is to other people. Oh, but yeah...I think you should arrange your work schedule so you can have every monday off. Call it a mental health day.