Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Hook Up With A Hot Chick and Stick It

It's time for the Duck to hook up with a hot chick! That One Mom....shizam! Bam! Feed the addiction...Duckalicious Style.....




Only Parent Chronicles









Peace out My Quackers....now, Go Stick It!






Monday, November 22, 2010

Pros and Cons of Employment

There are certain jobs I just don't think I could do. As I get up and report to work daily I dwell on the idea of changing jobs. I appreciate my employment, don't get me wrong. I'm SUPER grateful for the steady paycheck which allows me to continue to provide for Little Duck and bankroll my attorney. In exploring my options I think there are a few jobs for which I am certain I wouldn't be a good candidate.

Roadkill Collector:

Pro: I could tell people I play with stiffs all day
Con: DEAD STINKIN ANIMALS

Tampon Tester:
Pro: Appeals to the theatrical side of me…supposing the product fails miserable, I could run around staggering to and fro gasping and gurgling while shrieking “I’ve been shot!...er…uh…in the vajayjay?!!”….but who gets shot in the vajayjay

Con: shoving things in my whodilly for experimental purposes…unless they come out with a vibrating tampon….ahem…Eden Fantasys…wanna get on that one?

Baker:
Pro: I could tell people I’m rolling in dough

Con: I’d get fired or die on the job. Too temping to NOT taste everything and lick my fingers along the way…plus the whole diabetic thing wouldn’t mix well with the sweets and carbs. AND I like the current size of my ass….SO…negative on this one too.

Chicken Choker:
Pro: I could tell people I handle cocks all day

Con: I couldn’t wring the neck of any animal (people? thats a different story). I don’t think I could even pluck feathers. I heard chickens were mean. Do chickens have large talons? <---typed in my best Napoleon Dynamite impression

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I Still Got It...Maybe

Nearly 8 years its been since I’ve truly been on a Girls Night Out, so when Sista asked a few weeks ago if I was interested in throwing some money into the pot for a plush hotel room just a block from the newest entertainment district in our fine city and joining her and some other girls for a night painting the town I figured what the hell, why not?!


Little did I know I would be the grandma of the group. There was a 10 year span from the youngest to myself. 10 years can be a LONG time. 10 years can be the difference between potty trained or not….boobs or no boobs…juvey or prison bitch. Could also explain my response to a very perky 22 year old strutting around declaring, “I’m on a dick hunt tonight….” And my responding with, “Dick, Tom, Harry, George….I don’t give a damn what his name is. If it doesn’t have batteries I’m NOT interested.” She blinked a few times, gave me the Barbie Blank stare and shrugged.

YEP. OFFICIALLY OLD.

OR how about later in the night when one of the perky pups pipes up with “You know Daffy…you look really good for your age. I’d love to introduce to you my manager.” (say WHA?)

“Um…thank you? Are you a musician? Singer?”

*blink blink* “nooooooo….I work at Best Buy *giggle*”

OH NO SHE DID’UNT

Being old actually worked to my advantage. I knew how to pace myself to stretch the night out. Being a mom meant that I was used to late nights and being alert…many of the pups petered out blitzed to the max and hit their wall early on. They sat in a booth and drooled while the ‘old girls’ were still dancing and having a helluva time. The bewitching hours found us ‘old girls’ indulging our pieholes at a pizza bar (how have I missed this shiz? Pizza Bar?! WHO NEEDS BOOZE?!) when some intoxicated asshat throws his coat over my shoulders and grabs my friend dragging her off her barstool midbite to twirl around the floor. Evidently he drank a whole lot of something to render him deaf because he didn’t respond at all to my “What do I look like? A fucking coat tree?”

So I did what any respectable woman would do. I went through all his pockets looking for some green to buy my pizza. *shrug* You woulda done the same damn thing!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I'm Thankful for Girls -Woo WHOO

It's time for the Duck to hook up with a hot chick! That One Mom....shizam! Bam! Feed the addiction...Duckalicious Style.....




Only Parent Chronicles

It's November -let's show some gratitude even if its peppered with attitude...






I'm also Super Thankful For...




....and this cause it just makes me laugh!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Convos From The Hood - One Last Stab

They became quite the legacy...class of 2010...a bunch of funny asses.  Sadly, this year the daily temptation to dig my eyeballs out with sporks from the cafeteria is strong. Very very strong. Convos that before were funny, witty, sarcastic and stupid have been replaced with straight up Fucktardism - thats my word I very well could have made it up. Yes, you may quote me.

For three weeks every news station in our metropolis has been camped out front before and after school as a result of all the fights our bricks have seen. It doesn't bode well when upon arriving of a morning there are more local police cruisers in the front circle of campus than there are school buses.

Its all good in da hood... So one last time, I give you....
There is rarely a dull moment when one works
in an inner city high school.
Join me for a snap shot of what happens
Monday through Friday between the bells

Teacher: What does Native American mean?
Student: BLACK!

Teacher: Where is India?
Student: North America!
-----------------------------------------------
Girls chanting: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT
Boys squeeling: FACEBOOK MOMENT FACEBOOK MOMENT!!
------------------------------------------------
Teacher: Get a pencil and paper, Payton.
Payton: oooh! Were you trying to make that rhyme?
Teacher: *blink blink* Uh...no...that didn't rhyme.
Payton: Yes it did.
Teacher: *heavy sigh*
-----------------------------------------------
Boy #1 - Why yous jacket on inside out?
Boy #2 - Why yous face inside out?

*blink blink*

Boy #1 - THAT'S your comeback?
Boy #2 - weak, wasn't it?!
Aaaaaaand.....with that, I think I'm going to retire Convos From The Hood for awhile. The material this year just isn't anywhere up to par with last year's Fantastics! If you're new to the pond or you missed them the first time around, click any of the highlighted words in the post or search the archives. Its worth it!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

LEGO My Shovel DumDum

It's time for the Duck to hook up with a hot chick! That One Mom....shizam! Bam! Feed the addiction...Duckalicious Style.....





Only Parent Chronicles









For the Dum Dum Bum wiper story click HERE


It's November -let's show some gratitude even if its peppered with attitude...


It is good to be grateful, helps keep things in perspective...remember my challenge from last week?
What are you Thankful for?


Peace out My Quackers....now, Go Stick It!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

At 5:30 this morning Little Duck (who is 2, I remind you) Sticks her hand in my face and says, "Smell my hand Momma, it stinks" Like a STUPID MOTHER I said, "Actually it does. Where was your hand?" Because, really, she's two and it was 5:30 in the MORNING, she just woke up. Why the heck did her hand smell funny?!

She says while giggling, "In my booty" 

OH DEAR LORD

Or try this one on for size.... last night's bedtime struggle went a little like this:

Mighty Duck sitting on couch editing photos from the weekend....Little Duck LITERALLY tiptoeing down the hallway whispering "Momma I see you. I not in bed. I should be in bed. teeeheeee"

Me: "Little Duck why aren't you sleeping?"
Her *hand on hip* without missing a beat "Weeeeellll YOU are not sleeping!"

SHE. IS. TWO!

And since its Monday and for some reason THIS craptastic Monday seems to be all fragmented anyway, so this post will follow course.... I have a few questions that have been taking up far too much of my gray matter...

1. Why does my dog go spastic over cheese but hate squirrels?

2. Have you ever been tangled up with a beautiful liar and WHY do they never seem to be seen for what they are? Likewise, WHY is it illegal to run them over with my car? Seems the perfect solution to me....justsayin

3. Who decided how long and wide a tampon would be and just how did they test it? WHO would volunteer for that?

4. Who the F*&^! stole my EASY button?!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Quick Quacks

So my Blogoversary came and went quite some time ago...like a couple of months ago. Seems to be "the thing" to at least mention it. It also happened around the time I was near 269 posts...heh...yes I'm fourteen. Since no one ever takes the time to go back and read archives, and I really do have some good stuff in there, I took the liberty of grabbing a few of my favorites from WAY BACK WHEN. Can't believe Batcrap has been recording stupid for over a year now. So, for your reading and guffawing pleasure, below you will find a few snippets from some previous posts. Click the title to be taken to the full post and take heart that you aren't infected with stupid like I am.

Damn Yankee
A few memoirs back I shared my love of fire, heat, the way it mesmerizes me and draws me in. Like a stripper to a pole so am I to a flame. And of course when you mix stupid and fire someone is bound to get burned.
*raises hand*
Dumbass table of one….now seating…..
So there I sit at the kitchen table with my line of orgasm by fire laid out in front of me. After selecting the first beautiful specimen to touch with my fire stick, I strike it up and sit back basking in the glow of pleasure....

Can You Feel The Burn?
"The sensation of heat and tingling is normal."
Who doesn't want a little heat and tingle on their....

If You Can't Take The Heat
Flame roaring at the end of my fully extended right arm, I take a deep breath before putting my lips to the tube and blow…

I Wanna Pet It
Eventually they began to eat one another... One day there was not but a pile of bones on the bottom... next to the treasure chest. We stood infront... mesmerized...

I Swallowed Big Birds Head
...3.) I snort when I laugh. Not a smooth or classy skill to possess when you’re trying to be smooth or classy. Especially not good while on a date or eating a salad. Or eating a salad on a date and a carrot chunk attempts a daring ‘soon to be colon refuse’ fate escape and comes flying out your nose thunking your date on the chin. That’s not gonna get you laid….justsayin...

Seriously? And You Think You'll Graduate?
Me: Hi, I'm Daffy. I'm a Sign Language Interpreter for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing. I'll be in your classroom this semseter. You have a student 2nd hour requring my services.
Staff Member: *a few slow blinks* Oh, okay. So what language do you speak?
Me: Evidently not English.

I Heart Bumper Stickers
...The rest of the WannaBe's (meaning two stickers or less) fall somewhere in between all that. The one that tops all stickers to date was all by its lonesome self which only served to draw 100% of my attention and was found dead center on the rear bumper of a man pushing at least 80. It read
JESUS LOVES YOU

EVERYONE ELSE THINKS YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE
I want one! Actually, two and then I can give one to my mom.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Mighty Sure You Don't Wanna Miss This

It's time for the Duck to hook up with a hot chick! That One Mom....shizam! Bam! Feed the addiction...Duckalicious Style.....




Only Parent Chronicles



Because a certain someone or two said "Pics or it didn't happen", I am indeed providing such proof of my claims!



And yes! I lurve them! The dog is afraid of them and  Little Duck lurves them! I have danced around the house singing into the hair dryer wearing them while the dog rolled her eyes and then cowered in fear and confusion as I jumped from one piece of furniture to another singing my Mighty Duck song.
I'm SO much cooler than the whole Tom Cruise-Oprah couch jumping thing. Fo Real!
Uh...anyway....

Normally I point out the Turkey Turds stinkin up life, but lets show gratitude this month...even if its peppered with a little attitude. It is good to be grateful, helps keep things in perspective. That's my challenge to you. Find at least one new thing every day to be thankful for...even if its clean underroos...
I am Thankful for...

I am Thankful...


...and



Peace out My Quackers....now, Go Stick It!