Friday, October 29, 2010

Full of Piss and Vinegar

Too old to canvass the neighborhood yet too young to attend the parties at least by the parental unit’s standards; such is the quandary a young duck finds herself in on All Hallows Eve. As an adult I can certainly look back and appreciate having grown up with Ward and June Cleaver and their strict standards however at the time I was full of piss and vinegar at being denied attendance to what I was sure was the party of the century (aren’t they all?)

The next best thing? Convincing Sista that she needs to dress up and sit on the front porch to hand out candy. It wasn’t too difficult afterall I’d had years of brainwashing practice by this point. We dug through Dad’s closet yanking out an old pair of jeans, a flannel shirt, down to the garage for a pair of work gloves and his work boots and lastly grabbed his gorilla mask from the hall closet. He had a penchant for arbitrarily donning the damn thing and jumping out of the shadows to scare the piss out of mother. Fun times…fun times… so into the garb Sista was stuffed along with tufts of straw at the neck, wrists and ankles and then out to the horridly uncomfortable front porch bench for positioning.

Slumped over, limp as a scarecrow, she lay in wait with a large bowl of candy and a sign that read:

From the warmth of the shadows inside and giddy with anticipation, I watched while perched just far enough back from the open window that I could not be seen but my boombox of scary music could well be heard. The first few children of the evening hesitantly approached encouraged gently by their parents. Wisely Sista opted to remain very still as they selected their token Tootsiepops and Snickers and scampered off the front porch frantically glancing over their shoulders. I just knew Sista was holding her breath to keep from laughing. As the night grew darker and the visitors older we were secretly thrilled that the adults were just as leery as the kids at approaching the front porch. And I KNOW Sista and I both pissed ourselves the first time she screeched BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO as the hand slid over the edge of the bowl and into the candy for the Trick-or-Treator AND his parents screamed in unison and ran screaming all the way down the driveway taking with them the entire group they approached with.

It was a good solid hour before we saw anyone else approach for candy.

Have a Fantastically Gouhlish Weekend!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

So...uh...yeah...You Missed A Spot....

So…SO SO??? Eh? Whatcha think? Ya dig it? I dig it? I TOTALLY DIG IT?
It was time…time for a change. A million bazillion trillion gagillion thriytwoforteleventyninetybillion thanks to Homesick Cajun for the design!!

And evidently I’m not the only one who was due for a change today. On the way in to work this morning I was creeping along in traffic. And by creeping I really mean rolling a quarter of an inch at a time across the bridge into down town. It was AGONIZING.
So slow that I was begrudingly happily dividing my time between playing on facebook and watching the asshat in the car next to me shave his mug with one of those cordless shaver thingies and singing away to what I can only imagine was some country station.

Guess Asshat forgot about the big metal plate at the end of the bridge because as we all BUMPED over it he lopped off one of his sideburns. I damn near snorted my nose inside out. I’m telling ya…asthmatic wheezing coffee snorting to the Nth degree. He was all kinds of hot and bothered and raging like a spider monkey hopped up on Mountain Dew.

WHEW! It started MY day off right!

Wonder if anyone in his office greeted him with, “uh…Dude…you missed a spot…..”


Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Post It! Boobs, Tats, and Pics!

It's time for Ducky to hook up with a hot chick! That One Mom....shizam! Bam! Feed the addicition...Duckalicious Style.....

Only Parent Chronicles

yepper....Daffy is on the right...

wait...that sounded really bad lumped together like that...I just meant that was my justification for being nice...shoot...*sigh* damn...I'm not going back to fix it. I'm tapped out on Random Acts of Kindess. No more sprinkles and rainbows and nice shit...justsayin....

Peace out My, Go Stick It!

Friday, October 22, 2010

...and they let me roam free

Ten minutes I buzzed in and out and around my car much like the Tasmanian Devil, were he to have the mouth of a sailor, tossing it in search of the keys to my office at work. Each minute ticking by increased my frustration level and number of four letter words I could string together. By the end of ten minutes that string could very easily have circled the Earth fortyeleventygillion times and back again. Meh…that’s probably a slight UNDERestimation…but you get the idea.

I hauled off powerhouse slamming my car door shut with a vociferous grunt that was rudely finalized in a strangled gurgle.

I found myself face-smushed against the window of the passenger side door; firmly tethered in place by the lanyard hanging around my neck that I managed to trap in the door as I slammed it shut in the midst of my tantrum.

….guess I found my work keys

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

It Aint Rocket Science - I Is What I Is

There has been a migration; a new flock to the pond if you will. Thought it might be a good time to share a little about the Duck…been doing some pruning of the feathers lately anyway.

First up? I just bought Wonder Woman underoos and when they arrive you can damn well bet I’m going to jump from one piece of furniture to the other while singing “Here I come to save the day! MIGHTY DUCK!” *shrug* Yes….I know that has nothing to do with Wonder Woman but its my SuperHero gear and I’ll do whatever I damn well please thankyouverymuch.

Aaaaaaannnnnd….. that brings me to my next BILLit point about Ducky: I never do something just because someone suggests I do. If anything I often do the exact opposite because I’m awesomely stubborn like that. In fact, I’m surprised that Stubborn isn’t on my birth certificate. My name should really read Daffy STUBBORN Dontyouwishyourgirlfriendwashotlikeme Duckalicious. But alas, Stubborn was left out. Hmph...go figure.

BILLit 3 – Laughter and sunshine are my drugs of choice. I also think they complement nicely the disposition of an eternal optimist as do random acts of kindness. You very much would enjoy finding yourself in line behind me of a morning when buying coffee…I like to pay it forward by paying it backward if that makes sense *wink*

BILLit 4 – I’m sarcastic and I love cherry pie and I can’t ever shake ‘stupid’. It’s everywhere I am….

BILLit 5 – I’m an all in or all out kinda Duck. I just can’t do something half-assed. Fits doesn’t it? You get my whole ass.

BILLit 6 – I am a hugger...not the tree variety…I mean l like trees and all and I do the green thing where I can….hugs are my love language.

BILLit 7 - I mean what I say and I say what I mean (life is too short for mind plucking games). While I do enjoy taking things out of context for the sake of belly laughs and throwing them in the gutter, I usually offer the option of body condoms before I ask y’all to join me. So…for instance, yesterday? On my Post It Notes when I signed it ~She Who Bangs Gears? That wasn’t a euphemism...there was no hidden meaning. It really was in reference to me enjoying throwing the shifter through first, second, third, fourth….and….uh….(pssst! How many gears does that Chevelle have again?).

Okay…that’s enough cause I’m annoying myself now. So if someone was telling me about YOU, what would they most want me to know?

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Shake Yo Tail Feathers Grab Some Pasties!

It's time for Ducky to hook up with a hot chick! That One Mom....shizam! Bam! Grab a Pastie and STICK IT! It's Tuesday Quackers!

Only Parent Chronicles

Sort of a hodge podge of post its today along with a couple of pics from my weekend get away. It was fantastic! So first things first....


and a little advice from Ducky....

Peace out My, Go Stick It!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Save Time, Let Me Be Your Ass

Grab a pencil and paper, lip stick and a window or a full diaper and a blank wall….we're off on another round of life lessons. If I can look like the ass and save you the time it’s a win win for you! (I googled Batcrap Crazy and this is the image that came up. I think it works for this Monday....let's roll with it!)

#509 Dumping coffee down your shirt is not an effective method for returning your boobs to ‘perky’ status.

#1413 Sometimes you really haven’t gained a few pounds. You just needed to take a colossal dump.

#318 Never under any circumstance do you tell someone about finding a chin hair…even if it was just one. EVER. And for shitsakes don’t blog about it *note to self*

#941 Others may look upon you disapprovingly if you allow your toddler to play “kitchen” with your martini shaker.

#2027 When filling out forms for counseling it evidently it is NOT deemed funny to answer YES to the question: “Do you or have you in the past had thoughts of homicide?”…(if you’ve ever been married can you honestly say no?)

Do share....what wonderful nuggets have you learned that may save me from faceplanting in stupid?! Life is way too short for me to learn EVERYTHING the hard way regardless of how funny it may be. Trust me! There is STILL plenty for me to tell!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Convos From The Hood - Attitude Adjustment

I’ve been struggling to pull together the Convos this semester. Last year the material was great, the kids fantastic and I really enjoyed going to work every day. This year? Hmmm…Not so much. Most days end with me figuring that I could probably parachute once from the top of the fourth floor of our building even though I don’t have a parachute. I’ll wait while that sinks in….

7th grade just isn’t all that and a bag of chips with a crunchy dill pickle. I’m digging really REALLY deep for an attitude adjustment and just can’t find it (oh! I can find the attitude, just not the adjustment part). *sigh* I suppose there IS a lot of material but not all of it translates to blog worthy. There is the girl that regularly fills her sneakers with glitter and then spends the entire gym period frantically collecting from the gym floor all the bits and pieces that escape her shoes. Strangely enough no one seems to pay her any mind. Or the mini Mr. T look alike that spends the entire period shadow boxing in the corner of the room during one of the class periods. Then there is Miss PotatoHead, whom I am convinced that should she fart she will either explode or her head will pop off, either way I don’t want to be within 500 feet of the fallout when it happens. And my days are peppered with things like lunch duty. Talked it HERE….Yoga and Pilates and regularly running are paying off. My agility is coming in handy when I’m forced to dodge airborne milk cartons which I’m beginning to wonder if its racially motivated. Why is it that no one ever throws the chocolate milk? Why am I always dodging full cartons of white milk?

Yes….what you’ve really clicked to the pond for….
the Covos From the Hood…..

There is rarely a dull moment when one works
in an inner city high school.
Join me for a snap shot of what happens
Monday through Friday between the bells

Girl: What did the 1st hour class do?
Teacher: Figure painting
Girl: COOL! Finger painting!!! We get to finger paint?
Teacher: uh….no.
Girl to Daffy: How are you?

Daffy: I’m tired…

Girl: me too…tired like chicken wings up on da grill…yous probably a vegetarian.

Daffy: No…I like me some hot wings.

Girl: You gotta man? A boyfriend? A baby daddy? Or yous single? Single like da dolla bill?

Daffy: Wow…you got jokes today!

Girl: Naw…I’m just regula funny
Boy to Daffy: Do you know sign language?

Daffy: *deep breath* Yes

Boy: I like sign language. I could use it with my grandpa I think. He’s probably the only one…ya know….he’s dead and all…

29 school days until Thanksgiving/Fall Break
Yes…I’m counting….

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Bestiality or Ducky Gets Her Groove Back

Stella went off after a younger man on some tropical island or some such thing. I don’t really remember. Its been a long time since I’ve seen the movie. I'm not interested in younger men not to mention that would translate to jail bait because I'm not old enough for 'younger men'. Yesterday in chatting with BossMan, he informed me that I have not yet reached Cougar status (thank gawd) but that I am just passed Bobcat status which leaves me currently existing in the Liger zone. What exactly this means I have no friggin clue except that I have magical powers???? Yeah….we’ll go with that. I’m just hoping that Ligers don’t primarily prey on ducks because then I’d be at risk for eating myself and that would just be….well…er…um…I'm digressing….getting my groove back......

Infrequent posting at the pond and you might’ve guessed I’ve been in a bit of a funk. I’m on a mission to get my groove back. Slowly but surely I’m sharpening my wit and honing my magical powers. Just the other night I was bantering with an old man. It was quite the ego boost to learn that my ability to match and at times out banter him aggravates him to no end. Many a moments actually found me literally falling off the couch with laughter. That was good stuff. Why do you care? Because it transfers to blog material and is much preferable to the feisty tinge my funny has acquired as of late. And by feisty I mean violent/cranky (which y’all let me know with last week’s post its). I don’t often have the propensity to over dramatize my emotions or reactions okay maybe sometimes but not this time so when I say violent….well…case in point: This morning while driving into work I was stuck behind a woman in an SUV who couldn’t have been moving any faster if she was pushing the damn thing. Seems all I could fixate on was the sticker on her back window GOD’S WAY or YOUR WAY….my head kept screaming who gives a shit just GET OUT OF THE WAY! Don’t get me wrong…I’m good with Jesus (what?! I am!). And when I say my head…I really mean my mouth…I screamed at her. It was ugly.

I’m getting the hell outta Dodge this weekend. It promises to be chalk full of laughter and love and no doubt supreme moments of stupid (because it follows me where ever I go). I plan on coming back….I think I’ll come back….I mean I’m pretty sure I will….It’s still a far cry from the border so I probably will (from the weekend I mean...I'm not closing the blog)…. And for those who have been asking, there WILL be a Convos From The Hood post this week (Ian! Did ya hear that?!)


Friday, October 8, 2010

I Wanna Scream YOUR Name

Comeon baby…just a little further…that’s it…lets push it…mmmhmmm…
DAMNIT Harriet! WHY? Why now?! WHY TODAY?   *ding ding….low fuel*
GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENA! Where the hell have you taken me?!? And they say I am directionally challenged! Grrrrrr……
Oh Hamilton! My Sweet sweet Hamilton! From you pours the nectar from the gods. Divinity in its liquid java form…Hamilton you are the PERK to my OOOH!-Lator…*sigh*
Phone…well, I sort of lacked inspiration. Through a series of unfortunate events I’ve been through 4 Blackberries in the last 15 months. I gave up on a name and it is now just “Fucking Phone!” when I’m pissed at it. Meh…it works….

I would however like *YOUR* help with naming my laptop. Giving a moniker to inanimate objects helps me feel saner when screaming at them and ANY thread of sanity I can pinch at this point is a good thing. What say you? Up for the task? Can I scream your name? Will you let me?

What's my name beeoch?! go along with the name screaming theme and because Eden Fantasys was a great sponsor during the Friends You Love International Frienship Month and they are now having some awesome BOOtacular events for October, if you feel so inclined, check out some of their fun new products like the Cobra Libre (the name makes me giggle). OF COURSE....please throw our your laptop name suggestions before jumping ship to satisfy your own needs. Lets not be too selfish people! mmmmmKplsThxs!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Well, I Put The Ass In Something...Meet My New Lovah

Have you ever been so tired that you….

…throw away the gum and eat the wrapper?

…nod off while sitting on the toilet to pee because it’s the one place in the building that’s actually quiet?

…mistakenly skip taking allergy meds and instead end up taking a double dose of Fibercon because the pills look identical? Of course this means your nose and your ass will be running all day….

…squeeze out Monistat on your toothbrush instead of Colgate?

…sit at a four-way stop waiting for the light to turn green? (I’ll give that a minute to sink in)

…close the garage door before you’ve fully backed the car out?

...when your coffee pot commits javacide and a person generously buys you a new one, you cry real tears when presented with the new percolator? either….*ahem*….just wondered….

It's don't have to admit to any of these...I just did for you. You can sit behind the safety of your monitor and nod in agreement while chuckling at the fact that I've yet again outted myself and my stupidity. It's okay. It's my soon as I figure out how to trademark it that the mean my new main squeeze....

Hello Lovah


Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Hell, Whores and Skid Marks....Its Tuesday

Only Parent Chronicles

IT IS TUESDAY! My favorite day of the week to tell y'all to STICK IT!! Feed your addiction Duckalicious style!

 Also be sure to jump ponds and check out the newest charity endeavor at Friends You Love blog. Help warm hearts and join the Keep America Warm coat drive! Click the magic words above for more information!

Friday, October 1, 2010

Quacks From The Pond

I provide Convos from my work place and often share of the stupid in which I faceplant. This may come as shock to you but Little Duck has quite the sense of humor and often says/does the most hysterical things. And given that her antics not only make me look stupid but also allow for the opportunity for others to laugh at me by sharing, I figured what the hell....why not share? Y'all are privy to just about everything else that makes me look stupid and/or should make me blush...

Last night after dinner I was cleaning Little Duck's face (she is BEYOND messy when it comes to food) and I was wearing a sports bra and running shorts. She points, scrunches her face into the most disgusted look a dramatic 2 year old can muster and says, "What is THAT Momma?".
Between surgery, piercings and pregnancy my belly button now closely resembles the wrinkly puckered asshole of a cat. And it obviously disturbs my 2 year old.

And if that wasn't bad enough. After stepping out of the shower, Little Duck sticks her finger in my arse while saying, "I get your booty Momma!" Naturally I squealed and ran. This equals encouragement in my house. It is a tad unsettling being chased around the bed by a 2 year old trying to stick things in your bunghole. I know I'm not exactly normal...but I ain't THAT kind of abnormal.

Aside from her fascination with my bunghole, she's a smart kid who loves farm life. We watch Baby Einstein's Farm video non stop. And by non stop I mean twentyeffnfourtothaseven! Last night when the chickens appeared on the screen Little Duck hollers, "CHICKEN NUGGETS!!!" Then looks to me and inquires, "Where's the french fries Momma?"

I do feed my child healthy selections from my very own kitchen. We don't eat McDonalds more than seven days once a week. And I'm sure serving processed, non organic, fried foods have nothing at all to do with the fact that when getting a kiss good night from her she opted to lick my forehead.  That is PURELY genetic *fluffing feathers proudly*