Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Stick IT!

I'm super duper addicted to Post Its and its been a super duper long time since I played along. I've been having mega withdrawls and needed something to perk my tailfeathers. SOOOOOO....I'm joining in (albeit very late in the day) with PINT.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Get Your Humor - 5 cents

We’ve all heard the nut doesn’t fall far from the tree. It would be fairly safe to put great stock in the validity of this claim. I am a nut as is my father.

Shocked, I'm sure.     <-----that would be sarcasm

What was it like to grow up with the Duck family? At every opportunity you’d hear Papa Duck regale high school tales of being the designated javelin catcher on the Track and Field team. He even lettered! When speaking of his military days he will proudly tell you of his duties as the screen door operator on a submarine. I know…..I am so very proud.  <-----*eyeroll*

When dining out, it is imperative to draw battle lines for the waitstaff. They must know that while I am the fruit of his loins I do not condone behavior that compels the help to spit in my food. It can often be overheard of him saying, “SEE! I told you the waitress didn’t go on break. You’re gonna refill our drinks now, right?”

Don’t ever ask him if there is anything else you can help with because he’ll ask you to tell him who is buried in Grant’s tomb. I so wish I had a nickel for every time the only response to that was *blink blink…um…I’m not really sure*. And of course you have the standard smartass response to a hot headed daughter duck…”It’s better to be pissed off than pissed on….”

It was important to pick and choose what complaints to vocalize because it would often go a little something like this:

“Dad my tummy hurts”

“You’re tummy hurts? Hmph….come here. Let me stomp on your foot and you’ll forget all about your tummy.”

I’m tempted to say that funny runs in our family genes like diarrhea but that would be yet another Papa Duckism and I don’t know that I’d really call it “funny”. We sort of have our own brand of humor that often leaves those outside the pond shaking their heads and giving us the stankeye.

Please tell me I’m not alone! There has to be someone out there who grew up with family quirks….PLEASE SHARE! MAKE ME FEEL NORMAL

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Convos From The Hood - Schools Out For Summer

There is rarely a dull moment when one works
in an inner city high school.
Join me for a snap shot of what happens
Monday through Friday between the bells.

Teacher: When are you going to let me try that grill?

Terry: Someone stole it

Teacher: Stole your teeth?

Terry: Yep. Off the table…at my mother’s house….my brother likes gold…
Coach on prom: ”….its so different now. One of the boys said he’d find he date there. He was just going to show up. I asked about pictures an he says “aww coach it ain’t that deep. I show up, pick her out, we dance a bit and that’s that…my date.”

Daffy: “That’s the economical route.”

Coach: “ One of my football players told me he had the meal plan for prom. He snagged his mom’s Sam’s Club Sampler card. Figured if they hit a couple of Sam’s Club stores around town he could claim a 3 course meal.”
Kyle: Ms. Daffy – what’s the sign for cunt?


Kyle: Show me the sign for cunt.

Me: NO

Kyle: If you don’t teach me anything else you should at least teach me that

Me: *walking away…..mumbling….* 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4...
Mock Interviews in College Prep

Interviewer: "Tell me some of your skills."

Applicant: "I’m good at counting money".

From somewhere in the room… "You ain’t gonna count no money. Yous black!"

Applicant: "I’ll count that petty cash right into my pocket!"

*raucous laughter*

Aaaaaaand there ya have it quackers! The final Convos From The Hood now that we're on summer break. I'm not working summer school but I am freelancing this summer. Worked a four hour job yesterday and already have some good material to share with you in up coming posts. Also on the schedule are a couple of doctor's appointments and a court job. While it won't be Convos From The Hood, its bound to be entertaining. Come August the Hood Rejects will be back!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Jackass Lessons

Just when I think things are finally settling down, some jackass picks up my life, turns it on end and shakes that heifer up. Grab a pencil and paper, lip stick and a window or a full diaper and a blank wall….were off on another round of life lessons. If I can look like the ass and save you the time it’s a win win for you! (if you missed the previous ones, catch up here)

#408 Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side. Especially if that’s the side you routinely pee on.

#169 There are curbs in existence that jump out and arbitrarily munch on wheels. I swear it wasn’t my fault!

#2938 I always fight better while wearing a bra.

#212 Check often the welfare of the guinea pig in an elementary classroom full of deaf kids. No one will hear the wee creature squeal when poked with pencils.

#329 Being told you have the mouth of a two-bit filthy whore isn’t really a compliment (*note to self* aspire to four-bits)

#1462 It is very convenient to blame a toddler for loud ass-sighs. If you don’t have one, borrow one (the kid, not the ass). It goes without saying that if its truly gnarly CLAIM THE STINK!

Okay, YOUR turn. The last two times I did a post on this topic you so generously shared your life lessons and let me tell you, it has saved me countless hours from back pedaling, disengaging my head from my ass and removing my foot from my mouth. So please, do share....

Monday, June 21, 2010

Its Getting Hot In Here

IT'S MONDAY!! OWN YOUR MEMORIES PEOPLE or get drunk....or both....whatever....its Monday...

I’m a compulsive scribbler/journaler and all around nut. I ran across the email I’m posting below in one of my old journals and since its Memoir Monday and I was thrilled to actually still have the email from my sister Wendy, I'm posting it below (to those 5 of you out there that have heard this before, spare me, mmmkthx).  I still have my ovaries but barely :O). To spare you the yawn details, lets just leave it at I had very very severe endometriosis and after a couple of surgeries and rounds of ineffective drugs, I was given shots that put my body into menopause...hotflashes are an awesome and legit reason to take off all your clothes....justsayin 

Email from my BigSis Wendy:

Hey there – how are you today? Tired? Cranky? That’s why I’m emailing instead of calling :o). Mom said they tested your estrogen levels and they were WAY TOO LOW so they are giving you estrogen now.

My response:

Thanks shithead for emailing me! (Remember I still have your Girl Scout cookies). I sure as hell don’t feel like listening to any one drone on over the phone. (typed with a smile - teeth showing and all) I’m currently melting in my own personal hell while the rest of this city is enjoying winter weather! All those shmoes yesterday had to spend time cleaning their vehicles off…I simply stood next to my car – kind of like a super power, ya know.

As for tired, I think I’m able to see the computer right now thanks to the extra toothpicks I keep in my bag (not to pick my teeth but to be able to inconspicuously poke dumbasses when they piss me off. It’s a great mood lifter to see their faces contort in pain then confusion!) I’ve tired turning them to ash by pointing my finger hoping the fire coursing through me will shoot out. No luck yet – I’m still working on it though. Evidently only I can feel the heat…go figure!

Naw…just kidding. Your email was funny though. Thanks for the bit of humor. Although, everything right now seems to be funny. I’ve been drifting in and out of plumes of herbal smelling fog all morning. Something seems to be a little ‘off’ in the halls at school. Strangely enough I’ve been ravenous too!

I’m finally feeling a little better. It really did piss me off (imagine that) that the doctor’s office acted as though I was grossly over-reacting. In a dramatic condescending tone I was told that they would check my estrogen levels and ‘we’ll just see how low things are. IF they are in the basement we’ll see if the dr.can start estrogen replacement'. Whadaya know…the results came back and floored the nurse. She couldn’t believe how low I was considering my last shot hadn’t even had the chance to kick in. If the effect wouldn’t have been diminished because I was on the phone instead of in person, I would’ve farted on her!

You know, this is probably one of those emails I’m going to print and put in my journal so when I’m 60 and you’re 85 (nope...still can't do math) I can read it to you (because you’ll be too blind to read by then) and we can laugh. Then I’ll beat on your back and end the coughing fit and you can breathe again.


and miss you sis.....

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Is It Just Me?

One of these things is not like the other

One of these things just doesn't belong

Monday, June 14, 2010

You May Not Be Alone or Spare a Square?

Own your memories people! Time for a Memior….
Normally it isn’t my thing.

Group potty parties.

Sista and I were both on our way up to resume our quest to permanently imprint our unique butt dints in the world’s most uncomfortable ICU waiting room chairs and we both had to pee. Probably it was nerves. I’m sure we both went before we left for the hospital but there we were again participating in the trickle tinkle tapdance.

I randomly select a stall which usually takes an obscene amount of time. By random, I mean I stand there agonizing over the selection because I want to pick the stall least likely to be used during the course of an ‘open for business’ day but knowing that I ALWAYS pick the wrong one and end up ASSaulted by the previous occupier’s swampassdefunk. If it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all.

Yes…I have public urination issues. SHUTIT.

I select. Hold my breath, enter, scan, pinch out a toilet seat cover and sit.

Tinkle, tinkle (don’t look at the floor, don’t think about the germs, locate paper dispenser) “….SONOFAEFFNBISCUITMAKER!!” I exclaim while pounding my fist into the stall wall blending the echo of my aggrivation with the clangy jangle of loose hinges.

*snicker* “Uh…Duck…you okay over there?”

“Out of 10 flippin stalls how the hell did I pick the only one in here without any toilet paper?”

*snort* “…hang on, I’ll bring you some…”

And bless her everlovin arsewipin heart, if she didn’t pull up trou and shove a handful of squares under the door for me. What I didn’t realize until her feet were showing directly under the stall door infront of me was that her shoes were still in the stall next to me. Only they weren’t HER shoes next to me. Sometime between the scan, pinching out a toilet seat cover and dropping my own pants some poor non-English speaking woman had the misfortune of selecting the stall next to me.

On the side in which I fist pounded….with a vengeance…while yelling…

I further confirmed my lunacy by bursting forth in a cackle when catching sight of her very, VERY hesitantly exiting her stall.

It was a helluva lot funnier in the moment….but hey, it’s my memory and I’m owning it (today at least).

Friday, June 11, 2010

Pussy Wanna Bone?

While sitting, eating cookies and watching HGTV (because there is very little else that competes with such therapy) with Sista when out of the blue she busts out with...

"You know...in all my years (which encompasses a whopping 27 365-day cycles WTF? young pup) I've finally come to realize that all the people in life I don't like or don't get along with are cat people. Have you noticed that? Cat people gravitate towards other cat people and dog people towards dog people."

So we explored some chracteristics of Cat People (this according to Sista...don't shoot the Duck):

Cat people....Blog about their cats and hawking up fur balls
Cat people... sport Bumper stickers that say Proud Parent of  Siamese....don't be fooled they aren't talking about the human ones.
Cat people...are More uptight.....dog people are more loose and free flowing and friendly. Dogs are more friendly, just come up and sniff your ass and wag their tail where as a cat will hiss and scratch your effn eyes out.  <------- all that according to Sista.

Of course when it came time to put my 1/2 cent worth in all I could come up with is that cats are passive aggressive where as dogs just tell it like it is. You know... they don't like your bicycle or can't stand the mail man, they just maul them to death where as a cat will sneak into your closet and shred your clothing or leave pukey hairballs in the exact place where you stand when getting out of bed in the morning.

I don't do THAT kind of Cat....I much prefer to play with the dogs chasing mailmen and biting ass. Could explain why I don't have a large group of female friends and those that I do have a bark just as loud as I do. (love my bb chat girls)
And haven't you noticed there are always signs for free kittens but never for free puppies...they give their own kind away because they know.....

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Pondering At The Pond

Real friendly neighborhood

**played along with the Wordless Wednesday this week. Little Duck now has the vom cooties....ewwww

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Dem Bones Gonna Dance

I know its Tuesday and Memoirs are usually on Monday however my being has been a font for vom and other disgusting stuff since Sunday. I could barely move (except when seeking the toilet on autopilot) so I didn’t make it to Blogonia. I am here today WHOOT WHOOT with a only a wee bit of fountain ass (TMI?). Hopefully I can get this plunked out before the toast I just ate makes me pay. Never imagined that toast could make me her bitch. Sheesh….

I'm unsure if Travis at I Like To Fish is still doing his Memoir Monday bit but I like it so I'm continuing with even if he isn't.
Its true, its real and its mine. Own your memories people!

BigSis (Wendy) was an admissions representative for many years for a very large chiropractic college. Part of her duties included campus tours and she always took the group through her favorite room, the Cadaver Room. It may seem morbid but BigSis had quite the wicked sense of humor despite her always pleasant expression. One semester she acquired the ultimate in gag gifts complements of our parents (no, the nuts don’t fall far from the tree).

A very real and very mechanical, via a tiny remote control, human looking forearm and hand was now in the possession of a very ornery admissions rep. Delightful and pleasant as always, one particular campus tour held great anticipation for BigSis. Ushering the group right along the tour and into the Cadaver room she waited for the majority of the group to be gathered around a specific table meanwhile explaining that the white sheets covered many of the specimens they would soon be studying.

I can only imagine the hilarity that ensued when she chose her moment to activate the hand; watching it raise up from under the sheet and wave. It didn’t take long for word to spread and she delighted in the looks of trepidation when a tour formed with prospective students that heard about ‘that one admissions lady’.

And while I'm on the topic of BigSis, today is the final day for entering the Duck Fest giveaways. Each $1 entry gets you an entry to the giveaway of your choice. Over 30 amazing items to choose from. Click HERE to be transported to Duck Fest Headquarters. All donations go to the JD Education Fund. JD is BigSis's 5 year old son (and my nephew). If you don't know the story behind the donation drive, click the preceeding sentence and get caught up. Then turn your rock over.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Ink Stains on The Ass Is Damn Hard to Explain

 How To Make a Decision:
A Tutorial Ducky Style
*Gather All Facts

*Open the bottle

*Sort, organize, and analyze information

*Grab a glass

*Make a pros and cons list

*Fill glass

*Drain glass

*Fill glass

*Grain dlass

*Repeat 2 more times (the glass part not the gathering of facts because that’s boring)

*Review said list and hope you peeontiffany…errr….um…soap fer a pipany….hmm….*concentrating* HOPE. FOR. AN. EPIPH.ANY. *yessssssss*

However or whatever you do, do not mistake said list for toilet paper as you slosh make way stumble shuffle to the bathroom. It’s a bitch to have to start the whole process hungover (and ink stains on the ass is damn difficult to explain...or so).

DONT FORGET about DUCK FEST and all the super awesome stuff you can win for just $1!
donations benefiting the JD Scholarship Fund

For dibs on the loot go HERE or HERE...you really should. I know everyone hates clicking on links but do it. You won't be sorry. There's something for everyone!!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Letters to Heaven and Duck Fest

donations benefiting the JD Scholarship Fund

As Duck Fest kicks off JD and the Duckalicious family will visit BigSis graveside as today would have been her 36th Birthday. 5 year old JD has written a special birthday letter to his mom and will be attaching it to a balloon. At Noon today we will all release balloons with notes bound for Heaven. JD knows his Momma will get it and treasure it always.

Now on to Duck Fest.
SOOOOOO Many people have donated AMAZING items for you to snatch up! (heh...I said snatch....) Click any of the following links to check out the goods, the details and get yourself in the drawings. Each $1 donated will go directly to securing the future of the little boy pictured above plus for each dollar you'll get an entry to the giveaway of your choice. DO NOT miss out on these awesome items! At least check out the loot!

Mad Boastings of a Cheapskate Mom

Only Parent Chronicles

Think Tank Momma    

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Tales From the Crypt

As heartwrenching as the occasion was/is, very rarely is there a time when I fail to find humor. Its how I cope. Naturally when 500+ people are present there is a guaranteed quota of stupid humor. Of course one must also posses in kind a warped sense of humor such as mine.

Mourner #312….enter Hub’s Grandmother….she brushes down the line of condolences hardly pausing long enough to shake hands. Let me tell ya, that’s quite the picture of speed and agility for this 92 year old woman who uses lipstick as an eyebrow pencil and leave tufts of talcum powder in her wake. She reaches her grandson saying, “WHY do you not call? A phone call is free!”

Hubs: “Grandma, you’re holding up the line.”

Grandma: “….and I have donuts in the car for you. 2 big boxes. One for you and one for your brother…..”

And I know most people don’t know what to say but want to say something. Is it too much to ask that people have a sense of humor? Especially if you’re gonna call me by the name of the deceased (who happens to be my effn sister).

To me: “Oh! Wendy (that’s not my name fyi), I’m so sorry for your loss! If there’s anything I can do for you….”

Me: *eye rolling* “Wouldn’t happen to have some vodka on ya, would you?”

*blink*  * blink*


To me: “Oh Wendy…*hug* *pat pat* Would you like and extra Rosary to put in Daffy’s grave?”
Daffy: “No, thank you, I’m not Catholic”

*blink*   * blink*

I did find my funny wearing a bit thin after being called by my sister’s name for the 264th time. However, humor was restored after a quick trip to the bathroom. No, I didn’t look in the mirror but  after a quick armpit sniff, I peed and I did decide not to wash my hands. Take that!

So let me close out this unusually long post for the pond with a couple of tips this side of the grave.

1. Trust me when I say it is totally inappropriate to hit on the sister of the deceased. TRUST. ME.

2. If you’re going to fart at a funeral, do NOT wait until the silent moment of prayer….justsayin

3. Probably ought not whisper “Grab an extra rose from the casket. I wanna scrap book this” Especially if….  A. you are not family and  B. your ‘whisper’ voice carries up to a mile.

TOMORROW KICKS OFF DUCK FEST!!! There are tons of AMAZING goodies to be nabbed. CHECK back and be sure to keep the DUCK FEST button in your scope. You'll find the loot and details where ever you see the button!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Convos From The Hood - Big Mouths Little Bodies

There is rarely a dull moment when one works
in an inner city high school.
Join me for a snap shot of what happens
Monday through Friday between the bells.

**the first two are from the elementary school. I've been moved around a bit as the school year winds down and coverage is needed for people cashing in their personal days hence the new Covos Playas.**

Manny: Who you married to?
Daffy: Mr. Daffy
Manny: Oh….when?
Daffy: about 7 years go
Manny: *puzzled* How old you now?
Daffy: I’m 31
Manny: *brightening to a smile* I have a brother! He is 31 and 7 too!
(Manny 6th Grade)
Bob: that’s gay! Stupid book is gay. Reading is gay…this class is boring and gay!

Teacher: That was your last warning….come on ‘Cursing Bob’. Let’s have a talk…


Teacher: Well, you are…

Bob: You are getting really annoying

(Bob 9 years old)
….and now on to the bigger, smellier, mouthy ones…..

Ron: Presidents don’t get paid a lot…for realz…they just get free shit.
Leonard (on the phone…during class…) ….First of all, you need to respect my gangster, you don’t need to be yelling in my ear. I’m two times your elder….
Yeah, I’m tall. If I was any taller they’d call me Atmospheric Leonard.
…so, you cute? Your momma cute? *pause* *smile* Tell your momma I said WHUZZZUUP……

And another beaut from Leonard….

…Don’t matter if she ugly if she got a great butt. Just let her walk a little ahead of you…just look at her butt the whole time. Her face don’t matter….