Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Convos From the Hood
11 Edition - Watch Yo Mouth

There is rarely a dull moment when one works in an inner city high school. I'm fortunate that I don't feel the need for a flak jacket and Rambo to provide some 'cover' while I sprint from my car, HK 9mm in hand, to the school building. Join me for a snap shot of what happens Monday through Friday between the bells.

Girl to Coach: You’re wearing regular clothes!
Coach: I always wear jeans on Fridays. I got other places to go on Friday…visiting all my kids.
I got 20
…and 10 baby momma’s….gotta make the rounds
Student: Awwww shit!

Mr. Smith: watch your language. Do not talk like that.

Student: shuthefuckup Smith
Andrew: Sprint is fuckin’ with my phone. Ms. Daffy - what company do you have?

Daffy: T-mobile

Andrew: *snort* theys ghetto

Daffy: may be but at least I have service right now

Andrew: awww…I just need to pay my bill
Current Events Teacher: …so has anyone been following the healthcare issue?


…one hand raises……

…teacher calls on Ron….

Ron: You know….now that wes gots a black prez and all I really think all the white people should have to sit at the back of the bus…..
Leo: …cant’ wait to move out. My momma annoy me

Marcus: me too but you gotta deal. Cause one day….you know….you gonna want a wife…and well…you know….you gotta deal….

Daffy: *snorting*

Marcus to Daffy: your husband got gray hairs - doesn’t he?

Daffy: *laughing* Yes

Marcus: ….Right!?! And he’s only like 28.….

I am so pleased to report we are currently on spring break. So if I am a bit lax in responding to comments and visiting blogs, I do hope you understand. Thanks a million! You guys really rock my world.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Affair

Him: Look at it. Its so beautiful….it consumes me.

I eat and sleep and dream about it...
That truck...

Me: I used to be your ‘truck’….”

Him: (absently) Yeah

Me: I used to consume you. I could consume you again…

Him: Eh…you’ve got your blogging…

Me: What?! I’d gladly step away from the computer.

Him: Naw, I’ve got my truck - you’ve got your blogging….

So my dear followers you are now officially my lovahs. To you I give my all…I’m easy to please, I don’t ask for much, I prefer to give than receive, I cook, I clean and rarely complain. Any takers? I’ve been replaced by a truck. Hubs said (and I quote) [ he] would never take on another women, he hasn’t the time nor the money. it’s the truck for which he breathes…

Monday, March 29, 2010

Monday Minute - a little sumpthin different

Monday Minute

Today I wanted to play along with Ian. Since he is the p to my imp I thought we'd do the Monday Minute. It's spring break for me and I wanted to do a little something different. Besides...I only have lame memoirs right now. Head over to Big T's pond (aka Travis) at I Like To Fish for awesome trips (minus the hit) down memory lane.  If you're sticking around here, we're gonna play the Monday Minute which really isn't anything like spin the bottle.  Just incase you were wondering....

Ian at The Daily Dose of Reality has his Monday Minute. Answer the following bane questions, grab the button and link up. He's even got that cool Mr. Linky thingie madewy...really it. I dare you! If you're lazy like me you can just answer them in my comments section and Ian can read them when he pops by.

1. Why did you start blogging?
So I didn't feel so alone. It is an amazing comfort to know

2. Name one other blogger and list their URL that deserves special attention for whatever reason you choose.
Stephanie and The Blue Zoo.... just click the link. Her daddy is very very sick and needs our support. Details can be found at the link. Thank you!

3. Name one of your heroes in life. Someone that you know or knew personally
My mother

4. Whose feet smell worse, yours or mine?
Uh, my feet don't smell at all. I am a girlie duck. I also shit jasmine and rose pedals...duh!

5.Which TV show's setting would you most like to live in?
uh, Miami Vice?

Sunday, March 28, 2010

I've Been Bested

I have no trouble admitting when I have been bested, and you dear followers have out shined me! Friday I posted recent quotes from yours truly. Your responses to these got me through a rough weekend. For that I am truly grateful. To show you just how grateful, please read on to see just how fantastically funny your fellow Blogonians are.

Nancy C From Away We Go:
Another evening old with Daffy and the husband, have a drink, playing a little pool. The hubs got a lucky shot, and Daffy remarked:

"He put it in the hole! Look! How cleaver..."

She then proceeded to do a booty dance for him on the bar to celebrate his achievement. Instead of being turned on, he belched loudly and scratched himself.

"Romance is dead….or maybe I’m just a hag." Daffy remarked, despite the fact that she had put on her dress overalls for the evening out.

Jeney Peney from Just A Lost Soul Swimming In a Fish Bowl:
I feel like you maybe were babysitting?

That probably makes me a pedophile.


IASoupMama From Soup
Well, goodness, from those quotes it seems very obvious to me that you were bra shopping with your grandmother and great aunt. The saleswoman was completely overtaken by leprechauns, so you and your elderly relatives had to have a knock-down, drag-out fight with a bunch of pissed off drunk Irish midgets. And you got their lucky charms, but not the pot of gold...

ScoMan from This Is Scoman
I think you were pimping in all of the scenarios.

You don't need a vehicle to change into your pimping clothes, you just throw on a big hat, furry coat and grab a cane. Who needs a vehicle for that?

"Kick me again and I'll drop you".. They're pimping words if I ever heard them. Except you missed the phrase "Upside your head"

"He put it in the hole".. Obviously training a gigolo.

"Romance is dead".. talking to some prostitute who is thinking of getting out of the game to find real love.

"I'd really like to know who's pickle you puffed".. talking to an under performing prostitute.

"I didn't actually stick it in her face".. your gun, on a customer who wasn't paying up.

And the fingernail / toenail one.. well they say pimpin ain't easy, and there would be any number of people in that world who would cause you that kind of stress.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Maybe I did, Maybe I Didn't

.....chances are REALLY good I did.....

It is with great honesty and full disclosure that I tell you I am so often letting my sass hang out that I no longer have vivid moments of “ooooh! That would be great blog material”…each 24 hour period is fair game - in its entirety. Any given day…sigh…any given day, any given moment my brain to mouth filter malfunctions leaving me bare assed. What? You aren’t surprised?


 Here a few quotable moments in which I can reflect and laugh

"I’m not Superman, I won’t need to change in my vehicle”

"If you stay hidden in the mountains, I’ll know you for a liar but I’ll understand."

"Kick me again and I’ll drop you. Do it. I dare you."

"He put it in the hole! Look! How cleaver..."

"Romance is dead….or maybe I’m just a hag."

"In all seriousness, I’d really like to know who’s pickle you puffed to get this job."

"I didn’t actually stick it in her face but I did wiggle it around a bit.

"Good gawd, spontaneous cum-bustion"

"I’m pretty sure you’re singularly responsible for the fact that I no longer have fingernails and I’m pretty damn close to starting on my toes…."

A gobzillion bonus points and maybe even a guest post if you can figure out what the heck I was doing when I made such statements. Heck, I'll even take the best made up story! Show me whatcha got!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Duh Jackass! - I'm Still At It

Yup, y'all its that time again. I've a hard head and learn things the hardest way possible. Here I am sharing because if I can look like the ass and save you the trouble, its a win win right?!? Grab a pencil and paper and take note...Life Lessons from which you may or may not benefit -take 3

#243 - When buying underwear, buy a size larger than you think you need. Trust me. Your ass is bigger than you think.

#618 - you know you didn't get enough sleep when you slather mousse on your face instead of in your hair. Ummm....HELLO! It is NOT moisturizer.

#810 - You must open a door before attempting to pass through the doorway. Body slamming said door because you didn't get the knob turned could very well rearrange your face.

#2617 - Shirking job responsibilities and using the excuse of being detained in Blognation doesn't go over well. You might want to lie think of something creative...ahem...if you do that kind thing I mean.

#521 - If at some point you find yourself longingly looking at Muno from YoGabba Gabba you totally need to get laid....justsayin
Okay, YOUR turn. The last two times I did a post on this topic you so generously shared your life lessons and let me tell you, it has saved me countless hours from back pedaling, disengaging my head from my ass and removing my foot from my mouth. So please, do share.... 

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

GWA - The Blood Sucka

Think Tank Momma
Have a few words you'd like to share? Give a holla to Adrienzgirl at Think Tank Momma. You can link up with the rest of us thankless Thankful folk and we'll share in the therapeutic cleansing ritual of giving thanks. Let us begin....

Dearest Phlebotomist (that's a blood sucker for all you non medical people):

Thanks for the small talk however I wasn’t in the mood; needles don't bother me you needn't placate. I don’t think I was being subtle when you asked how I was this morning and I said, “I’m hungry, haven’t had my coffee yet and cranky as hell. And you?”

Not sure what you missed there….but telling me I didn’t have to fast before the lab work wasn’t funny. It wasn’t true either. It was at that point I became very concerned that you would shortly be coming at me with a needle. The FASTING box was clearly marked on the Lab Recs.

And what was up with your asking me about my diabetes? You said, “So you’re diabetic? How do you do that?”

Uhhh…..I just snort Splenda…straight to the nose….people think its coke but its not….SPRINKLES! What the hell do you mean how do I do it? No chocolate donuts, no cream pies, no HoHos or cake ya fatass - 4 injections a day.

Thank you for being gentle. You may not be the smartest dic in the 'tionary but you know your way around veins and needles.

In Search of coffee...
The Duck That Was Stuck

Monday, March 22, 2010

Damn Yankee

Since we know this phenomenon is spreading like crabs through a high school football team, lets join the fun. Link up with Travis at I Like to Fish and read other fabulous memoirs....

If you’ve been around the pond for any length of time you know that most often post topics center around the stupidness I faceplant into (<---that link is probably a helluva lot funnier than this one, justsayin) or happen to be surrounded by. This is one of those posts -a faceplant one.

A few memoirs back I shared my love of fire, heat, the way it mesmerizes me and draws me in. Like a stripper to a pole so am I to a flame. And of course when you mix stupid and fire someone is bound to get burned.

*raises hand*

Dumbass table of one….now seating…..

Boring stuff short? I hit a hot sale at the Yankee Candle store and brought home enough scented candles to cover Martha Stewart’s farts for a year. JACKPOT!

So there I sit at the kitchen table with my line of orgasm by fire laid out in front of me. After selecting the first beautiful specimen to touch with my fire stick, I strike it up and sit back basking in the glow of pleasure.

2 minutes pass….I don’t smell anything yet.

I’m not of the patient sort….I glance at the clock. I’m getting pissy that this stupidass over-priced candle that I bought isn’t worth shit because it doesn’t smell.

Somone me gets the bright idea that maybe if my nose were just a little closer I could catch a trail of its scent.

Yeah…THAT worked out well.

Not only did I not smell anything but I was so mesmerized by the flickering flame that I had no awareness of how close I actually was to said flame.

CUE SINGED HAIR….lost some eyelashes and all the hair in my nose. Yeah, I’ve got hair in my nose…I’m not really a duck you know. And let me tellya, singed nose hair? Smells disgusting...and you can't escape it and its really weird having these little singed hairballs in your nose....

I don't suggest you try this at home.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Meet Me In St. Louie -You Know You Want to!

So here's the Louie....You might even get to see my quack. I've been known to show my moon on occassion.

Many bloggers can't make it to the coasts for blogger meet ups so how about the Cross Roads of America? kow you want to!
 It will be a weekend to remember....the partay of all what say you?
You in? You out? You hot? You cold? You yes? No?....okay sorry I'm listening to Katy Perry right now. But really, you should be there. I mean afterall not only will you get to meet Big T aka Travis from I Like to Fish, but you'll also hang with THE funny man Ed at Ed's Funny Pages and the tech support everyone loves, Mr. Jeff at Badly Drawn Monsters. ....many more are on 'the list'. A special thanks to this hawt trio for putting the Roundup together. Click the button below for more information or links to book your room.

Tornado Alley Roundup



Drury Inn Union Station

201 South 20th Street

St. Louis, MO 63103


**Rooms must be booked 3 weeks before in order to get our group rate and block. You can obviously still come, but will have to work on lodging on your own.

Everyone is welcome. You need not live in the midwest region or have experienced a tornado first hand to attend. So please, mark you calendars and change your oil. This shiz is gonna get BIG! (twss)


More details to come.
This is in addition, of course, to the carousing expected of such an event.

Cardinals Baseball Game

Friday: night game Sat&Sun: Day game

Cardinals v. Reds that weekend.

The Second City: 50th Anniversary Tour

Location: Blanche M. Touhill Performing Arts Center at University of Missouri-St. Louis

Time: 8:00 p.m. (30): 5:00 p.m. & 9:00 p.m. (1)

Cost: $35.00

The group that started SNL and is still the best improv group around.

15th Annual St. Louis Microfest

Date: 4/30/2010 – 5/2/2010

Location: Upper Muny Parking Lot in Forest Park

Seriously, who doesn’t think this sounds like they knew we were coming.

“Beer” Tour at Anheuser Busch

The Anheuser Busch brewery is in St. Louis, and even though they make the abomination known as Bud Light, hey its still a brewery that makes beer.

St. Louis Arch

Location: That Giant Archlike Thing

Cost: $10

Watch Travis squeeze into one of those little cars that takes you to the top

Friday, March 19, 2010

Twat Twitters

Do you love me? No? Do you really like me? Tolerate me at least?  I'm not above begging....just ask the guy at the donut shop. Ian at The Daily Dose of Reality guest posted here at the pond this week. The post title really has nothing to do with anything posted here today (*wink*) but I thought it might draw in some readers whom once here would maybe wanna click the link and vote for me? Hmmm? What say you?  If I win, I get to pick a blog to be featured (so really it isn't all about ME. I get to make it about YOU!)

The following is what appears on Ian's Jewish Island today. So be a peach and vote for me?
(click anywhere in the italic field below and be magically transported to Ian's island. See I made it easy for you! I'm all about easy just ask hubs)

... you'll need to have some friends. Friends who like you enough to nominate you in order to get the honors.

You'll have to get people to comment on this post, in order to be considered. From that number, the person with the highest number of people leaving a comment, nominating you, will get the honor of being blog of the week. If the person commenting on your behalf is not currently a follower, that counts as three votes instead of one. In a nutshell, if you are a current follower, vote for whoever you want. If you're able to get people who aren't followers to vote for you, all the better.

The best part of this week's challenge is this. Whoever ends up winning, gets to Pay it Forward and have any blog of their choosing featured on the front page of my blog for the week. Button or link, it doesn't matter. Basically if people vote enough for you to win, you get to Pay it Forward.

Now you know what to do, start campaigning! You have until 11p est Sunday night which I will announce the Blog of the Week along with the Monday Minute which you all had better do or else I will cut off my toe.

Comments are turned off here because I really REALLY want you to go vote for me so I can Pay it Forward. Thanks a million y'all!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Convos From the Hood - Metaphors, The Navy and Roaches

Convos From the Hood
Metaphors, The Navy and Roaches

There is rarely a dull moment when one works in an inner city high school. I'm fortunate that I don't feel the need for a flak jacket and Rambo to provide some 'cover' while I sprint from my car, HK 9mm in hand, to the school building. Join me for a snap shot of what happens Monday through Friday between the bells.

Marcus: see here’s my cartoon ...
Daffy: I thought you were adding me.
Marcus: I did
Daffy: what am I? A patch of grass?
Marcus: no, I messed up. It was a rose…that grew…out of concrete
Daffy: ….how…..metaphorical…
Marcus: do you get it?
Daffy: …no
Marcus: …me either

Cody: Make sure that safety harness is on! Locked tight, before you eject from the “cock”pit.

Deshawn: Learn from other people’s mistakes! There are so many diseases out there. I’m thinking it’s a good time to be a virgin again.

Cody: We don’t normally take the gas pump outta the gas tank….

Deshawn: What is it with you and metaphors?
Leonard: I ain’t joinin’ the Navy. Bunch of dudes running around a ship. No women.
Daffy: There are women in the Navy.
Leonard: Not many…
Daffy: So you’re basing your enlistment on the number of women in that branch of service?
Leonard: No! I picked Army because…..its…..uh….better?
Desmond: I got me an old ass lady who goes to the muthafukin forest to pick dis nig’s muthafukin grapes. Brings them home and smashes that shit up! Gots me some fresh wine, yo.
Ron: whatthefuckever. Yo ass just got evicted from your roach infested apartment. Those fuckahs are sittin on your couch listen to Mexicana music drinkin Coronas. Ole!

Is it spring break yet? I could really use a week off.....

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Daily Dose of Reality - FA QUE FACEBOOK

**Please warmly welcom Ian, from The Daily Dose of Reality to the pond today. As winner of the Snarkler Quote challenge, Ian is guest posting. When you've shared the laughs here please hop over to his place and spread the love.....***

Thanks to Daffy for allowing me to guest post.  Apparently she's been cashing the checks I've been sending her.  I have been meaning to rant about how much I hate Facebook but yet I can't bring myself to delete my account.  Better than ranting about it, I took a list that posted a while ago.  I merely edited and updated the descriptions.  Full credit goes to

The Let-Me-Tell-You-Every-Detail-of-My-Day Bore. "I just woke up", I'm "eating dinner", I've "just gotten up from a nap", "going to sleep now".  Who the fuck cares? When was the last time you picked up the phone to call a friend of yours to tell them that you just woke up?  Whoa, good for you.  You woke up.  Maybe you deserve a goddam medal!

The Self-Promoter. OK, so we've probably all posted at least once about some achievement. And sure, maybe your friends really do want to read the fascinating article you wrote about beet farming. But when almost EVERY update is a link to your blog, your poetry reading, your 10k results or your art show, you sound like a bragger or a self-centered careerist.  The only difference to this is if you have a fan page.  Aside from that you need to stop that shit.

The Friend-Padder. The average Facebook user has 120 friends on the site. Schmoozers and social butterflies -- you know, the ones who make lifelong pals on the subway -- might reasonably have 300 or 400. But 1,000 "friends?" Unless you're George Clooney or just won the lottery, no one has that many. That's just showing off.

The Town Crier. "Michael Jackson is dead!!!" You heard it from me first! Me, and the 213,000 other people who all saw it on TMZ. These Matt Drudge wannabes are the reason many of us learn of breaking news not from TV or news sites but from online social networks. In their rush to trumpet the news, these people also spread rumors, half-truths and innuendo. No, Jeff Goldblum did not plunge to his death from a New Zealand cliff.

The TMIer. "Brad is heading to Walgreens to buy something for these pesky hemorrhoids." Boundaries of privacy and decorum don't seem to exist for these too-much-information updaters, who unabashedly offer up details about their sex lives, marital troubles and bodily functions. Thanks for sharing.

The Bad Grammarian. "So sad about Fara Fauset but Im so gladd its friday yippe". Yes, I know the punctuation rules are different in the digital world. And, no, no one likes a spelling-Nazi schoolmarm. But you sound like a moron.

The Sympathy-Baiter. "Barbara is feeling sad today." "Man, am I glad that's over." "Jim could really use some good news about now." Like anglers hunting for fish, these sad sacks cast out their hooks -- baited with vague tales of woe -- in the hopes of landing concerned responses. Genuine bad news is one thing, but these manipulative posts are just pleas for attention.

The Lurker. The Peeping Toms of Facebook, these voyeurs are too cautious, or maybe too lazy, to update their status or write on your wall. But once in a while, you'll be talking to them and they'll mention something you posted, so you know they're on your page, hiding in the shadows. It's just a little creepy.

The Crank. These curmudgeons, like the trolls who spew hate in blog comments, never met something they couldn't complain about. "Carl isn't really that impressed with idiots who don't realize how idiotic they are." [Actual status update.] Keep spreading the love.

The Paparazzo. Ever visit your Facebook page and discover that someone's posted a photo of you from last weekend's party -- a photo you didn't authorize and haven't even seen? You'd really rather not have to explain to your mom why you were leering like a drunken hyena and French-kissing a bottle of Jagermeister.

The Maddening Obscurist. "If not now then when?" "You'll see..." "Grist for the mill." "John is, small world." "Dave thought he was immune, but no. No, he is not." [Actual status updates, all.] Sorry, but you're not being mysterious -- just nonsensical.

The Chronic Inviter. "Support my cause. Sign my petition. Play Mafia Wars with me. Which 'Star Trek' character are you? Here are the 'Top 5 cars I have personally owned.' Here are '25 Things About Me.' Here's a drink. What drink are you? We're related! I took the 'What President Are You?' quiz and found out I'm Millard Fillmore! What president are you?"


Tuesday, March 16, 2010

GWA - The Mouse, The Fish and Floaters

A New Recipe,
A New Custom Button (From Cheapskate Designs) 
Same therapeutic results!
Think Tank Momma
Have a few words you'd like to share? Give a holla to Adrienzgirl at Think Tank Momma. You can link up with the rest of us thankless Thankful folk and we'll share in the therapeutic cleansing ritual of giving thanks. Let us begin....

***today is actually heavier on the gratitude part than attitude.....
To Whom It May Concern:

There is a great need for a waterproof mouse. Please allow me to explain.

 It has been my recent experience that the DYNEX wireless mouse that works with my laptop is substandard when it comes to optimal operating. While sitting atop the toilet last night, a small mishap occurred.

My lovely daughter was pretending to be a fish and squirming all around her fish tank aka bathtub. At one point while she was on all fours she says, “Mommy I poop”. She did not in fact poop. Until that is, I returned to my laptop activities. Now before you chastise me for neglecting to fully pay attention to my child, I was in fact giving her 90% of my attention. The other 10% was chatting on googlechat making sure the electric bill was paid on time so they wouldn’t shut off the service. (see! good parenting)

It was at this 10% point that my daughter did infact release some floaters of massive proportions. In an effort to scoop her out of the now polluted waters said mouse fell into bathtub. So would be really great if you made a waterproof model. Even if drying the mouse out would work, I don't think I will because...well....its been floating in shit now and I have a thing with germs.

Mrs. Duck

Monday, March 15, 2010

In Memory of Stupid

Last week's participation in Memoir Monday  was epic! Be sure to jump ponds and visit Travis at I Like to Fish. Read other memoirs or post and link yours! It's the latest craze. Everyone is doing it and SO SHOULD YOU!
I do not subscribe to Road Rage. Such a term implies rash, hot headed, spur of the moment behavior. I prefer to think I’m cold and calculating. Some time ago (before Girlie was a part of our world) Hubs and I were out for some shopping. Unlike most men, Hubs loves to shop much to my delight.
He was driving. I was navigating as all good wives do.

“You need to pull into the right-turn lane……..NOW”

“…sigh….is it clear?”

Looking behind us, “Yes, you’ve plenty of room”…..and he DID. Enough room to drive a Semi between us and the car we moved over in front of.

Evidently the woman in said car did not think so. She laid on her horn and flipped us both birds, which of course caused her car to swerve because she’s a stupid cow driver who got her license at Kmart. While still laying on her horn she whips her car out from behind us, pulls along side, flips us off again (ooh…so mean and scary). As we make a right turn around the corner, she guns it, turns along side us and then pulls in front of us cutting us off. And by cutting us off I mean, we couldn’t even see her bumper and Hubs slammed on the breaks projecting me towards the dashboard at an alarming rate (which he may or may not have done on purpose. But that’s not the point today).

We both shake our heads and he yells a few choice words in his most expressive Sicilian manner.

She stays in front of us driving about 10mph, all the while flipping us off via her rearview mirror. To my horror it is at this point that I realize she has CHILDREN IN HER BACK SEAT! Has she no concern for their safety? She hasn’t any clue what kind of people we are or whether we are armed. Fortunately we were in my vehicle and since I don’t do traffic so well, that car is not the armored one.

Hubs, “what to teach her a lesson?”
Me, “…there are children in the car you can’t bump her or take out her taillights.”
Hubs, “I know. But I can scare the shit out of her….”
Me, “Sounds fun…I’m game…” (we make a good team y’all….we really do….gawd I love that man)

We followed her. Down the street. Turned into the same parking lot she did….up and down each parking row….back out to the outer road and down to the next shopping district…into the same parking lot….up and down each parking row stopping when she did.  She pulled into a parking space and we took the spot directly across from her. She sat there - we sat there. She pulled out. We pulled out. It was absolutely hysterical to watch how agitated she became when she realized we were following her. She drove in front of a couple of businesses and just sat there….and so did we. After a good 10 minutes of following her around she drove out of the shopping district and we parked at Kohls. She didn’t do any shopping that day and I hope she learned her damn lesson. Especially when the safety of her children could be affected she needs to keep her damn self in check.

Friday, March 12, 2010

I'm the Mule, Learn From Me

If I can look like the ass and save you the trouble, its a win win right?!? Yes, I did a post on this topic a few weeks ago but you learn something new everyday, right? So I’ll be sharing new Life Lessons you may or may not benefit from...

#22 -Chasing someone around the house naked is all fun and games until someone pees behind the couch.

#307 - It is not socially acceptable to teach someone else’s your child to belch the alphabet (who knew?!)

#147 - Unless you want to bring home a poodle starter kit, be sure to zip closed your purse while receiving a hair cut.

#402 - If while cooking dinner your toddler is hanging on you at the knees crying, one dog is whining to be fed, the other is feeding herself in the trash can, the buzzer on the oven is screaming, Yo Gabba Gabba tortures you from the living room, the phone is ringing AND your cell phone is buzzing like a spider monkey hopped up on Mountain Dew (thanks BB Chat Muah!) it does not demonstrate good coping skills to stand in the center of the kitchen with your fingers in your ears screaming STOP as loud as possible.
**Although if you’re wearing a mega HAWT apron (thanks June!) you get a few points in your favor.

#1213 - It is not possible to successfully flush small dogs down the toilet.

Please do share the lessons you've learned that I may benefit from. I am certain I will not live long enough to learn everything the hard tidbit is too small

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Cream of the Crap I had a post all ready to go and it just needed a bit of tweeking before going up today. You know what they say....the best laid plans of pimps and hoes.....

If you are still salivating for the Snarkler Vlog, you can find it HERE. Its short and sweet because...well...the remaining footage is still part of an ongoing investigation....can't say any more about that. So....ummm...yeah...

Rarely do I post anything related to popculture because I live under a rock. It's the safest place to be when in the hood...however on the radio this morning I heard about a new scientific study. Supposedly some scientists have decided that if aliens were going to contact us they'd do it via our cell phones. WTF? I want to know HOW this study even came about! I'm thinking a bunch of nerds on a Friday  night were sitting around munching shrooms and watching ET. One wee little scientist approaches the TV, joins fingers with ET while chanting PHONE HOME PHONE HOME...BAM! The idea comes to him, "I shall make this a study and waste billions of dollars doing so....bwwaaahaaaaa"

All I have to say is, if some green dude wants to start farkin with my Blackberry, I'm gonna be one pissed duck. Back off the Quack green dude! Mess with the Droids....

And since I was listening to the radio you can guaranteed there was also a traffic report. And we all know how Duckie feels about traffic and dumsharts who learned to drive via video games. So the Eye in the Sky is rambling on...and I'm having trouble finding any accidents to report. Seems this morning is smooth sailing even lacking in tailights. Should have no problems on the roadways....."

I KNEW the fucktard did traffic from his bed. Probably has a tape recorder playing the roater noise in the the very moment of his report I had been sitting in bridge traffic for a good 15 minutes. And by sitting I mean NO MOVEMENT! SITTING DUCK!  Asshat....

And since this fine Thursday is all about crap and randomness, I am jumping topics and proudly sharing that Ian from The Daily Dose of Reality has won the Snarkler Quote challenge. So Ian, what's your pleasure? Have a prize in mind?

Speaking of the are a few pics (remember word of the day is after we all scream like PeeWee......look at the picks and visit me tomorow for a regular post. Please. I'm not above begging....)

A Scroll Down Memory Lane...

Dinner where we had the plate of fried penis

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

It's A Partay - GET INKED!

Is ink pervasive in adolescent America? Or am I just the lucky one to view daily the stupidity permanently etched with ink and a needle? I’m a fan of ink…I have a tat myself. I should clarify…quality ink is what I’m a fan of.

So the big thing in my hood is Tattooing parties. Have a gathering get high drunk hepatitis aids inked for cheap in the comfort of your buddy’s house and no need for parental consent. FAIL! Think Kmart Blue Light special on Aisle 10.…or even taking advantage of Layaway….of the tattooing world.

I’ve seen everything from names to RIP tributes to social security numbers. Are we living in an era of ignorance so prevalent that not only are kids tattooing their names above their wrists but also including spelling instructions?


That’s what I saw yesterday. It appears four inches above her wrist....

 Can you hear my eyes roll?

**image from Google Images

Monday, March 8, 2010

To Oz and Back (sort of) -UPDATED

I didn’t get arrested, I kept all my clothes on (most of the time), I didn’t gain weight and I got very little sleep. I SURVIVED SNARKLER! It wasn’t nearly as boring as my survival statement makes it sound. We’ve hours of vlog material of which I’m currently editing for posts later this week.

We had a small intimate gathering of 4 fabulous women who chugged wine with more skill than a Catholic Priest. Y’all know how much I love random quotes from conversations. Since I’m still trying to recover and currently working on a photo slide show as well as usable vlog material, I’m going to give you quotes from our weekend….I suppose it would be Twitter Style if you Tweet. I don’t Tweet. If you can correctly identify which Snarkler said what (for all 9) I do believe I’ll award a prize of some sort. Haven’t quite figured that out yet, but I’ll give you something fantastic. Gobzillion bonus points if you figure out what we were doing at the time….

The Snarklers: Lee The Hotflash QueenTracie from Stir-Fry Awesomeness, Erin the MOTHA from The Mother Load and yours truly….Duckalicious.

1. “Here, want to smell my cork?”

2. “Looks like a plate full of fried penis”

3. “We tried 69 once and I think….we….just don’t know how to do it.”

4. “A spoon full of sugar helps the splooge go down”

5. “Is that a man or a woman?

A man

Oh….looks like that girl that hit on me in college”

6. “what size is it?

The biggest one.

Was it hard to put in?

I tried like 3 times…”

7. “Suck an Altoid and give the blow job”

8. “I smell BO…do you smell BO? I smell BO….”

9. "If I had you for a wife, I'd do you way more than you get done"
More to come later in the week. I'm currently editing vlog material....

Currently only Ian, Quirkyloon, and Surferwife like me
Ian: 6 out of 9 correct answers
Quirkyloon: 5 out of 9 answers correct
Surferwife: 3 out of 9 answers correct
Here's a pic of the fried penis on a plate:
It was so amazingly Delish! It's actually fried portabella strips.
And here's a freebee: the quote is from Erin

Friday, March 5, 2010

You Quake my Quack and the Turkey Update

One of my idol bloggess goddesses Tracie at Stir Fry Awesomeness has done a handful of posts where she highlights some of her favorite comments. I decided to try my hand at it because really y'all it is YOU who crack me up! I am guilty of zipping past all the other comments to leave my own and then I'm off to the next blog on my reading list. I wouldn't want to deprive you of some additional laughs as I know I am not alone in my practice. Here are just a few that have taken residence in my Best Comments folder.  After you finish laughing, read on for the Turkey Ass or Voodoo Princess post update.

post "'Scuse my Attitude, I ain't got No Gratitude!"
From BigSis at Speaking of Witch 
I don't like things in my ass either. Why is that something we have to explain to people? Are we the exception?!?

From Leigh at Leigh vs Laundry seem like the type of lady that would love to have a Hummer in her ass.
That was rude. I didn't mean it.

From Stephanie at The Blue Zoo
My kids are sitting here asking me about all the buttons. Then Turtle
asked me what yours said and I told him. And he repeated it back to me
Bat Crack Lazy??

post  Pimpin At the Pond
From: Ian at The Daily Dose of Reality
Thank you for making my day. Not just saying that in any 'ol way.
I really mean it and I hope you stay. For my blog has alot to say.
I cannot agree with you more. For I am a blog whore.
For helping me out in driving people to my site, I will return the favor not once but trite.
Who the fuck cares if that didn't rhyme, I don't have the time.

AHHHHH that was great...thank you so very much - YOU RULE.
YOU HEAR ME? I SAID YOU QUACKING RULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From Darla at Hissyfits and Halos
That's one seksi pile of man-blog! I follow all of them! Ian is my favorite, though. Who couldn't love a man that looks better than I could ever look in fishnets and heels?? Dayyyyym! He could be on that Maury show where you have to decide if it's a man or woman. ;)
You're such a bad azz pimp, Ducky. Timetoslapaho! ;)
post "Convos From the Hood - Coke, Vampires and Heat"
From Darla at Hissyfits and Halos
Yo, cos. Now I know what you be talkin bout when you be talkin shitz bout blowin my mister. Yo, dat be jacked, bitch! I aint worrit. NRA, baby. NRA.
:) It's sad that your CFTH takes me back to my High School days. I went to an all black school. Well, almost. There were three white girls. Everyone called me "Dollar." hehe

post "The Hard Way"
From HeatherLynn at Random Thoughts of a Restless Mind
Ummmm....well you shared your fire crotch story, i"ll share mine (because i love you)
Life Lesson 666: DO NOT USE Nair w/ aloe intended for your legs to do your bikini area! It's the equivalent to having poison ivy in your pants....Oh, the burning....the discomfort! Bad, BAD idea!

From Resh Rene at The Crazy Train
Where were you and the fire crotch tip a few months ago? geez
Do not substitute vodka for whiskey when using for medicinal will not kick the flu, just adds a hold you down longer intensifying the death feeling hang-over.

Turkey Ass or Voodoo Princess (<--that's the link if you need to catch up) post update: After some investigative work on my part I finally heard the story behind the Bird Lady and her fowl car situation. Said lady owns a good sized piece of property in which she more or less has a petting zoo. Evidently her 'pet fox' attacked one of her 14'pet'  Turkeys and thats how the bird came to take residence in the back of her Volvo wagon. Not nearly as entertaining as I imagined but since I'm all about the truth, I'm given it to ya. She's nursing the feathered friend back to health. In order to keep the other turkey asses from pecking the dear to death during the day, Bird Lady decided to keep the turkey in her vehicle to prevent any fowl play.


Thursday, March 4, 2010

Convos From the Hood - 9th Ed. 'He Said, She Said'

9th Edition Convos From The Hood
"He Said, She Said"
There is rarely a dull moment when one works in an inner city high school. I'm fortunate that I don't feel the need for a flak jacket and Rambo to provide some 'cover' while I sprint from my car, HK 9mm in hand, to the school building. Join me for a snap shot of what happens Monday through Friday between the bells.

 Security officer: GIRL! You better get to class. I. will. spray. you .with. Raid!
Alvin: Yo check this. This nig so broke we’s go to McDonalds. This shaggy dusty ass can only afford to lick the menu, cos.
Desmond: You bootsie! I had money. I just wasn’t hungry. I’m on a diet.
Coach: Hey Daffy, can I use you today?
Daffy: You mean you’re actually going to teach?
K: Is that her new video?

Rayray: Why you up in my koolaid? That look new? She dead. How could that be new? You stupid.

K: I said, Is that Monica?
Boy: Hey coach, can I have the keys to the boys locker room? I need to visit Kanye West…
Daffy: *snort* *choke* *swallowed gum*
Boy: not like that! It’s just what I call the bathroom *wink*
K talking to Shay: …that girl is triflin! She just aksed me if she could buy some pussy.
Shay: well, you do need bus money….
Kyle: Hey Ms. Daffy...wanna throw $20 down on the game Wednesday? Our teams are playing each other.
Daffy: I can't steal your money Kyle, that just wouldn't be right.
Kyle: First of all, I'm grown. And you know KU is goin' down
Daffy: You have $20?
Kyle: No but I've got faith....

...and there's your snapshot for this week. Graduation hangs in the forseable future. Are you at all concerned? The children are our future....

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Tossing Coins - Not To Be Confused with Tossing Cookies

You may or may not have noticed that little graphic on the left side bar that says Snarkler 2010. Most people confess to not paying any attention to what is displayed over there. So here's the deal. THIS weekend is Snarkler. A few of us bloggers will be getting together in Kansas City. Erin from The Mother Load is hosting us because she's so awesomly kind like that. Tracie from Stir Fry Awesomeness and Lee the HotFlash Queen will be rounding out the party goers along with yours truly. (for those that couldn't make it, we'll be sure to raise a drink or ten in your honor)

I realize most are strapped due to the economy being in the great state its in (how's this presidency workin for ya? Justsayin) so in light of current economic circumstances we have collectively decided to allow y'all to throw coins instead of dollar bills as we.....errm, I don't think I'm suppose to share that part yet.

Anypoledancer, we're taking questions as there will most definitely be a group VLOG sometime during the Snarkler weekend. Is that exciting? You may or may not get to see Duckalicious in live Technicolor! You can be damn sure its going to be entertaining...even if we're only entertaining ourselves.

Now for the coin tossing....throw in your two cents please. Are there questions you'd like for one or all of us answer? Topics on which to pontificate? The Duck can be a bit long winded....I blow good....

I don't think that would've come out right.... so - the comments are wide open....

I have stocked up on Charmin in the off chance someone wants to view a square or two. Erin should be receiving the mass shipment I sent out any day now. I'm looking to my faithful Quackers to give us some good material. Otherwise we may have to default to getting Erin drunk and just video taping her tourettes. If you haven't seen it, click HERE. You want the short recap version? She says cock a lot.

Make me proud Quackers!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

'Scuse my Attitude, I ain't got No Gratitude!

Think Tank Momma
Have a few words you'd like to share? Give a holla to Adrienzgirl at Think Tank Momma. You can link up with the rest of us thankless Thankful folk and we'll share in the therapeutic cleansing ritual of giving thanks. Let us begin....

Dear Ugly Face Volvo Jackass Sir
My brakes thank you. Did you hear them? See the smoke maybe? Oh. No? Well maybe that was because you were OBLIVIOUS to everything around you. When you turn right on a RED LIGHT you do NOT have the right of way. It is NOT okay for you to pull into my lane of traffic and forget to use your gas pedal. Coming to a complete stop because of your dumbass while viewing, via my mirrors, a Hummer rapidly approaching my back bumper at a minimum of 65 mph is such a thrill. If said Hummer had actually climbed up my tail pipe I’m pretty sure I would’ve done more than just flipped you the double bird while screaming words my mother would find extremely mortifying. I don’t like things up my ass….certainly not a Hummer! If you could so kindly inform me as to which of your family members renewed your driver’s license online for you, I would greatly appreciate it. It seems like such a waste of time and energy to kick your entire family’s ass.

Next time TAKE THE BUS!
Steamed Duck ..!..

**I had planned a giveaway to post today. The website for the product is temporarily down. Hopefully the problem will be fixed and I'll be givin' y'all some good schtuff soon!**

Monday, March 1, 2010

The Assy Sass is a Crack Lovah

Today I'm featured over at  CCWA (Comment Crack Whores Anonymous) sharing all about my whoring issues. You can read my entire post by clicking that blue link provided in the sentence above. Go ahead...I'll wait.....

Are your tired? Run down? Listless? Do you poop out at parties? Are you unpopular? Enjoy a little Monday funnies with my gal pal and quack quaker Lucy...

If you're like me, and blogging at work, then you may have filters that block YouTube. Sucks, doesn't it? So sorry. Click on the link up there though and it will give you some good Duckalicious stuff to read. No worries, I'll be back here again tomorrow. Happy Craptastic Monday!