Friday, February 26, 2010

Pimpin' At The Pond

My hoes were so gratuitous after last week’s pimpin session I decided to buy a new feather for my hat and try again.

On a new corner...

With some new hoes blogs….You know my Quack is Wack so lets get the party started!

I’m actually going to be a little sexist today and just pimp wood men. I heart the male bloggers I follow and when they comment and even follow back it makes my quack quake…
with laughter…that’s what I meant.

My Fearsome Foursome
wow that just sparked a whole interesting mental tangent in the imagination/fantasty realm….hmmm….

Mooog – masturbation, massive poo, mental barfings, motivational posters, massholes, makes ya go hmmmm…..those are all things that come to mind when I think of Moog. Seriously though, he has carved out a whole new corner stone in Funny and demonstrates amazing perspective on life. Who continually shares the short comings of his pants with such open honesty and photos?!?

He’s short y’all as in vertically challenged….what were you thinking? If you’ve delicate sensibilities or a weak funny bone you may not guffaw as mightily as I do. I’m pretty sure even Jesus has rolled his eyes or tossed down a lighting bolt or two (midgets are pretty quick on their feet though).

Ian at The Daily Dose of Reality
How can you NOT follow a man who has worn fishnets and heels AND posts pics, serves shit logs on a platter via a 2nd story window and makes no applogies for telling it like he sees it. Not to mention he gives damn good comment. Heart punch? Classic! I would really love to meet his wife…

Ed from Ed’s Funny Pages….sigh…what can I say about Ed that hasn’t already been plastered all over the bathroom stalls? Eh, so what if Ed wrote it all himself….its still funny shiz! He works for the government – FUNNY, He has kids – FUNNY, he is sexist but thankfully doesn’t discriminate. No siree! He makes fun of EVERYONE and you know what? It’s FUNNY!

Rounding out our pimp corner is Jeff at Badly Drawn Monsters (aka This is why your hold time is so long). He does phone support….can’t find the power button on your computer? Call Jeff and then we can all read about what a dumbass you are. Some of my favorites of his (in addition to tales from the office) are his Caption Contests he runs from time to time and his Lists. This man can write a list….he is a Master Lister (not to be confused with master bater….that’s Moog). Jeff is also riding for a cure. I posted HERE about it. It is an awesome cause that affects MILLIONS of Americans and you can help make a huge difference by skipping your Frappe Latte Mocachinostashio from Starbucks today and donating that $5. He’s offering himself as a virtual billboard too! Donate and Pimp YOUR blog on his back!

Please no worries if you haven't been pimped yet. I have a big list of people I want to pimp. I'm sure you're on the list to. I kind of like this format...letting you know who quakes my quacker and why. It's also a way for me to say thank you since I'm such an asswipe when it comes to blog awards and schtuff.

*a special thanks to Adrienzgirl for this awesome commic strip she made. I should've given it a special post all of its own but thought it might fit in well with my Pimpin Theme...I don't pimp no shit y' tis Q U A L I T Y!
Next week I've some exciting posts. I'm guest posting Monday which will also appear here at Batcrap, there is a giveaway lined up and some more great Convos From The Hood! Happy Friday!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Turkey Ass or Voodoo Princess?

Sometimes I see some pretty off-beat things around the area of town in which I work. There is the homeless man who carries an invisible sign and even one who trots down the boulevard on what I can only surmise to be his invisible bicycle. There seems to be a lot of crack pipe smokin to the imagination of those around me. I think this one takes the cake or the Farm as it may be…

Monday morning I tucked my car in the safest corner of the staff parking lot and climbed out only to catch sight of this

WTF? I like turkey as much as the next gal but unless she is a voodoo princess or working for KFC (that would be Kentucky Fried Chicken…in which case she may be a bit confused on species), she has a health risk in the back of her grocery getter. That’s some fresh fast food right thar!

I also wondered if she’s a secret agent for Colonel Sanders or something in which case she's not a very good one since she grabbed the wrong bird. She is a little old white lady so she would make the perfect agent in the sense that no one would suspect her….should I tell her that one ain’t going to lay eggs?

It was there again this morning, complete with a bag of feed, bowl of water and plenty of trash bags to shit all over which it was artfully mastering.

What strange things do you keep in your car?

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Convos From the Hood - Coke, Vampires and Heat

Convos From the Hood – VII Edition

There is rarely a dull moment when one works in an inner city high school. I'm fortunate that I don't feel the need for a flak jacket and Rambo to provide some 'cover' while I sprint from my car, HK 9mm in hand, to the school building. Join me for a snap shot of what happens Monday through Friday between the bells.

Student: Mr. Jeremy, you’re Catholic, right? What did you give up for Lent?

Mr. J: coke


Mr. J: …cola? You know, the drink?

Ron: …not in the hood? Shit I gunna shake yo shit up cos.

Denzell: He got his momma gun an all actin hard…hood n stuff cos.

Ron: That stupid cos! He shot hisself cos and that’s real. I aint worrit.

Coach: …even if you was stupid I’d still be flirtin with you. You fine…mmmmm…

Daffy: You said I was cuter before I opened my mouth.

Coach: See, I rarely meet someone that’s full of more bullshit than me. When I found out just how much bullshit…well…yeah, it was on fo sho!
Katherine to Daffy: Want to meet my invisible vampire posse? Justin says he’s in love with you.

Daffy: Wow. I must be really special!

Katherine: No, he just thinks you’re hot *swift kick backwards* JUSTIN! Say hello….
Kid #1: You gotta job now, why you not fix yo glasses (points to duct tape)

Kid #2: Cuz I don’t really even need ‘em. I only wear ‘em when I need to see n stuff…

...and there you have it. Prime examples of why some gene pools need a gazillion gallons  good dash of bleach. Always good for laughs blog fodder I'm collecting some great stuff from the kids for next week. So if this is the only post of mine you read, check back next week. you won't be disappointed! If you'd like to read past editions check out the archives or
my favorites Here and Here .

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Gratitude wit Attitude - Supreme Leaders (NOT)

A New Recipe,
A New Custom Button (From Cheapskate Designs) 
Same therapeutic results!
Think Tank Momma
Have a few words you'd like to share? Give a holla to Adrienzgirl at Think Tank Momma. You can link up with the rest of us thankless Thankful folk and we'll share in the therapeutic cleansing ritual of giving thanks. Let us begin....

Dear School District:

Old Man Winter opened his bowels wide last night and dumped 8 inches of snow. EVERY.SCHOOL.DISTRICT in a 30 miles radius and some businesses were closed. Just in case you didn’t know, that was over 152 closings! I thoroughly enjoyed my drive into work this morning. It was especially pleasing to have my daughter in the car while asshats pretended the highway was a mega slip n slide….oh, wait IT WAS!

Imagine the depth of my elation when two hours after leaving my home I finally arrive at work only to hear the Vice Principal telling children school is closed and they needed to go home. Evidently, someone in their infinite wisdom decided to cancel school at 6:45 am. Now, I’m not sure exactly HOW far your head is up your ass but you might want someone to holler down your neck to let you know that classes in our high school start at 7:15am. Since common sense and intelligent deduction aren’t your strong points, I’ll be clear and simple when I say BUSES DROP CHILDREN OFF AT 6:45AM. YOU can not cancel school AFTER the buses have been dispatched.

Evidently someone altered you to this fact. At 7:15 am our Supreme fucktard Building Leader was on the PA system screaming at the children saying school was actually in session and that at no time had anyone said it was cancelled (which was ironic since she was standing right alongside the douchecanoe Vice Principal telling children to return home).

Out of all the districts in our grand city, ours is the one who can’t afford to stay open and yet yesterday when everyone else was closed…well, lets just say that once again you proved exactly why our district ranks at the bottom of the list.

The Snow Bunny

Monday, February 22, 2010

A Thief In The Night

It's Memoir Monday as started by Travis at I Like To Fish. Since we know this new phenomenon is spreading like crabs through a high school football team, lets join the fun.

My older sister and I were spending the night with our Grandparents as our own parents were bringing our younger sister into the world. Grandma had the most magnificent red candy bowl. We had been in it so often it was given a new home. We had to admire it from afar; at the rear of the kitchen counter right above the dishwasher it taunted us.

We waited for what seemed like half the night. Finally hearing the unmistakable sound of Grandpa snoring, we crept out of bed. Following the wall down the hallway and through the shadows we arrived at the kitchen. It was ever so difficult to hold in our bubbling giggles as excitement fueled our mission...

There.It.Was! It even shone brightly in the dark! It was a beacon calling out to all candy starved children and we were there to answer it. A few whispered moments of deliberation and my older sister boosted me up towards the bowl. Closer…


I stretch a little, hold my tongue just so and wiggle my index finger. Just as I feel the smooth round coolness of the prize, the loudest ‘grrruuuussssshhhhh swhoosh CLICK thud’ topples our two-man tower of candy freedom.

Someone screams.

Okay - I scream.

We are SO busted. We run.

Somehow my lovely little belly pushed the start button on the dishwasher. Maybe I should’ve held my tongue a little more to the left. I try to blame my sister but we both know it was me...

We jump into bed, pull the covers up and smash our eyes shut.

 I can smell her talcum powder and I just KNOW her figure looms at the bedroom door.

“Girls” she says and I suddenly want to giggle. A maddening moment of silence passes and we answer her with a snore. It was perfect! We sounded just like Grandpa. I start praying she walks away soon, my throat is hurting. SNORE SNORE SNORE…..SNORE SNORE SNORE….as if we’re really fooling her. Somehow over the thunderous heartbeats I hear her retreat.

Maybe we’ll get candy with breakfast….

Saturday, February 20, 2010

It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp

So I'm feeling the pressure. I am. I admit it. At times I really suffer from cranial rectal inversions get lost in my own little bloggy world. I forget that the best parts of life are about the giving. I really do enjoy giving much more than recieving probably why hubs married me.

I've had some super awesome shout outs this week and people have been saying the nicest things about me!

For instance, Darla from Hissyfits and Halos....that gem of a Texan called me a wench and she even went so far as to suggest I may be jacked up in the head. Really, could it get any better than that? Gave me warm fuzzies and had me gleefully clapping my hands together like the dork I am.

Then Monique, the enviable rock hard surfer-wife triathlete who tooted the horn on the crazy train and then counted me among its first class passengers. That's a fun train to be on! Now if I could only get the train to make a stop at her door step so I too could lay half naked on a table with somebody rubbing me down while men are peepin in my windows trying to sell vacuums or something.

I'd never truly make a good Pimp. I'm just not organized enough. I've been handed many awards in the last two weeks and for the life of me can not keep track of which ones came from whom. This is SO TACKY but please holler at me again so I can make a specific thank you list. Isn't that tacky? Gawd I'm SO tacky you can agree with me, its okay...

Of course a shout out post would not be complete without including Travis at I Like To Fish. He's been stuck on a hump for days now (a little viagra might help you pull through there, big guy. Just a suggestion). He is large and in charge of the harem I belong to. Funny stuff that funny that he recently flew to NY to be on the Tyra show...NO KIDDING.

Then there is the the smack talking, sass-slinging, love sharing, tell it like it is snarktastic ZGirl. If it's humor and honesty you seek Adrienzgirl at Think Tank Momma is place to drop your hook and stay awhile. Good times my quackers, good times....

Aaaand to round out my Pimp Corner I really should direct you to my pal Blue (that's what I call her. All the other nonspecial people call her Stephanie) over at The Blue Zoo. Talk about the ass in sass....she is a little lighter on the sass but she's got one helluva ass people. AND she posts pics of it. I'm jealous...those Silvers look smashing on her. SO good do they look that she has strange men following her all over town AND jumping seats on airplanes just to sit next to her! I do not lie.

I've picked up some really awesome new followers whom I am super excited about following back. I have so many awesome followers with fantastic blogs! I'll pick five more next weekend to pimp out.

Have a grand weekend and I'll see you back here Monday for some good times....maybe even picture style again :O)

Friday, February 19, 2010

I Licked It, I blame the Tequila -And you?

I licked a phone in line at the bank because I was drinking Tequila, again.
my alternate ending could also be: ...because Bid Bird said to and he's my leader.

Wait! WHAT?

Really today is just some time wasted goofing around because you know you're reading blogs instead of working/ feeding the kids  we should all take some time to chuckle every now and then. So I'm sharing with you something my sista sent me. No doubt it's OLD NEWS having already appeared on Facebook or some such shiz as that. I don't Facebook so spare me the comments telling me this was all the rage 9 months ago.

I will hopefully have a great Convos From The Hood post next week. I don't have enough for a post today because I was ill last week missing several days of work and then we had a couple of inservice work days coupled with the President's school holiday this week so I hadn't ample opportunity to gather the goods. Never fear, they will return next week. If you're new to the pond and aren't sure what in tarnation I'm talking about you can catch up HERE or HERE or HERE. These are just a few of the many so check the archives if you'd like more!

Feel free to leave your sentences in the comments!!!

To create your own sentence:

Pick the month you were born:
January-------I kicked
February------I loved
March--------I karate chopped
April----------I licked
May----------I jumped on
June---------- I danced with
July-----------I did the Macarena With
August--------I had lunch with
September---- I sang to
October-------I smelled
November-----I yelled at
December-----I ran over

Pick the day (number) you were born on:
1-------a birdbath
2-------a monster
3-------a phone
4-------a fork
5-------a snowman
6-------a nun
7-------my mobile phone
8-------my dog
9-------my best friend
10-------my neighbor
11-------my science teacher
12-------a banana
13-------a baseball bat
14-------a stuffed animal
15-------a goat
16-------a pickle
17-------your mom
18-------a spoon
19-------a Smurf
20-------a fireman
21-------a ninja
22-------Chuck Norris
23-------a noodle
24-------a squirrel
25-------a troll
26-------my sister
27-------my boss
28-------a homeless guy
29-------a surfer
30-------a football player
31-------a llama

What is the last number of the year you were born:
1--------- in my car
2 -------- on a motorcycle
3 -------- in a hole
4 -------- under your bed
5 -------- on your car
6 -------- on a roof
7 -------- in an elevator
8---------at the dinner table
9 -------- in line at the bank
0 -------- in your bathroom

Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:
White--------because I'm cool like that
Black--------because I was drinking tequila, again.
Pink----------because I'm only in it for the good times.
Red----------because the voices told me to.
Blue---------because I'm sexy and I do what I want
Green-------because I am awesome!
Purple-------because I think I need some serious help.
Gray---------because Big Bird said to and he's my leader.
Yellow-------because someone offered me 20 dollars
Orange -----because I saw it on the Internet.
Brown-------because I can.
Other--------because it sounded like a good idea!
None--------because I can't control myself!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Look Into My Porcelain Bowl

I'm once again willinginly drinking the Koolade at Lilu's. (It's grape today FYI) She's hysterical - let her be your guilty pleasure today. She is NOT for people without a sense of humor or with delicate sensibilities. Of course you probably wouldn't be here if you didn't know how to laugh - or at least roll your eyes...
Remember the days of yesteryear? Carefree summer hours of lounging in the grass spotting shapes in clouds, letting your imagination wander free (at least for those of us who’s minds aren’t too small to wander alone)? What is there to do while stuck indoors breathing stale air and watching the fallout of Snowmegeddon 2010?

Find shapes in your POO!

…other than the obvious shape. Let’s be a little creative, please.

Riiiiight…stop shaking your head, you know you do it too.

Hindsight is always 20/20…just don’t use a mirror because objects in the mirror are LARGER than they appear yes, I’m talking bout yer ass. I don't know what that has to do with shit gazing but it popped into my head so out it trickled to my fingers....I've changed a LOT of nasty diapers lately. Maybe the fumes have gotten to me.....

So today?

A duckbilled platypus.

That’s impressive

That’s Real!

Comeon, lets shoot the shit... What’s your most impressive shape???

**a quick PimpOut to Shell from Things I Can't Say who is posting the results and links to her Wii Just Dance, Dance off. FUN TIMES PEOPLE! Click her button below and check out the fun! There is still time to add yourself to her Mr.Linky**

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Gratitude with Attitude - Pharmaceutical Style

Gratitude with Attitude Tuesday - giving thanks one sarcastic snarktastic Thank You Note at a time. Have a few words you'd like to share? Grab the code and button below and give a holla to Adrienzgirl at Think Tank Momma. You can link up with the rest of us thankless Thankful folk and we'll share in the therapeutic cleansing ritual of giving thanks. Let us begin.... :

Think Tank Momma

Dear Visiting Pharmacist:

GO HOME. Seriously. Feel free to cut your ‘visit’ short and return to your own pharmacy. You are grossly inconveniencing me not to mention scaring the hell out of me. Please also take your non-English speaking assistant with you. I’m all for equal opportunity employment however when a non-English speaking person takes the script order from my doctor she damn well better get it right!

Thank you very much for attempting to help me figure out a way to get my Girlie to take her medicine. It tasted HORRIBLE which was the problem. When I called to see if you could add some flavoring to it and you explained that you didn’t really know but that I should call someone and check on that; who exactly did you expect me to call? The f*cking drug manufacturer???? Isn’t it YOUR job to know that?

When I finally got the doc to call in a script change to something my kiddo would actually take and came to pick it up, you shared that the dosage amount had changed from the last time she took it. Not only did it ‘change’ – IT DOUBLED. Five minutes from my home your non-English speaking assistant called me. “DO NOT GIVE BABY MEDICINE” she yells at me. “WRONG DOSE! OKAY?!?” and then tells me she will call back. WTF?!? If you had concerns WHY did you let me leave with it?!?

I wait.

You call me telling me there is a dosage change and it turns out the assistant wrote it down wrong. You ask if I can please come back to the pharmacy. So AGAIN, I schlep my sick child (and my sick self) out in 20 degree temps and blasting winds to the pharmacy. See, I thought you would have to remix the script because of the dosage change or something. Silly Duck. YOU WANTED TO CHANGE THE F*CKING LABEL??????!!!!!! THAT’S ALL? I could’ve just written the amount myself on the label, ya asshat.

So please, GO HOME!

One Hot Snot-filled Duck

Monday, February 15, 2010

If You Can't Take the Heat Get Outta The Kitchen

"…mom we did some cool experiments in Science today.
'Glad you had a good day Daffy.'
'I have a paper describing how to do it at home. It was really easy to do at school; do you think I could try it again tonight? (which was a total lie. We DID NOT try the experiment at school. It was dangerous.)
'Sure. After dinner.'"

So fast forward through dinner and cleaning up because I’m sure somehow my sisters made sure I was on dish duty that night. Every one was busy elsewhere in the house. Mom set me up with a small sauce pan and the corn starch the experiment required. I was in 6th grade afterall; totally competent to handle myself at the stove.

A little cornstarch in the bottom of the pan…..low heat….it removes the moisture in the starch. I expertly wiggled the pan now and again to prevent burning. That would come later; the burning.

Sufficient time for the moisture to cook away and then I moved to stage two. At the island was three lovely pieces of construction paper laid out awaiting their line. With the deft skill of a lifetime snorter 6th grade perfectionist I lined out the cornstarch on center of each piece which was then rolled into straw like tubes.

Step three required a lighter and some blowing power. Step 3 on the worksheet says to be sure that nothing flammable is in your work area and to be sure there is adult supervision. WHATEVER.

So I am standing where the X is (see picture below). I pick up my first rolled tube of moisture free corn starch and instead of blowing I end up sucking. It could happen to anyone so shutyerpiehole. After chugging some Gatorade (the old school kind…you know, the orange powder mix) I pick up my awesome tubular mega straw number 2.
Flick the Bic....

Flame roaring at the end of my fully extended right arm, I take a deep breath before putting my lips to the tube and blow…


Shooting flames come roaring out as the cornstarch meets flame and it is the COOLEST FREAKIN’ THING I’VE EVER SEEN JUST LIKE SPECIAL EFFECT EXPLOSIONS IN THE MOVIES! I’m screaming out of excitement and the smoke alarm is screaming out of fear. My mother rushes in to find her refrigerator torched black.

Remember that little diagram above?

I was standing opposite of the fridge.

It was white.

Now its black.

Mother sorta freaked out - the wuss. Once all the screeching stopped (including the fire alarm and my sisters) I realized there was still one tube left. My mother realized she should’ve looked at the experiment paper first. I totally snuck outside to torch something else while she fretted over how to clean the fridge (turns out it was just damage done).

I’m thinking that the fascination with fire and things that explode is quite possibly genetic. Yesterday, I grabbed one of those BBQ Grill lighters to light a candle. Upon seeing the flame flick out my 17 month old’s eyes go wide and she says, “Oooh! Pretty Mommy”. She may look like her father but she's momma through and through!

Last week's participation in Memoir Monday  was epic! Be sure to jump ponds and visit Travis at I Like to Fish. Read other memoirs or post and link yours! It's the latest craze. Everyone is doing it and SO SHOULD YOU!

Friday, February 12, 2010

It's Friday - Crack a Cookie

It's Friday again, and back by demand is the ever so tasty Fortune Cookies! We'll give this another go and see how many turn up to crack a cookie. Grab the generator link below any of the cookies, create your own - be original or don't- and give me a holla. I'll link up to you and we can all munch munch munch! It is Friday - so calories don't count today or any other day since I ate half a cherry pie on Tuesday. Have fun - be free - laugh often - crap in a sock - go fishing - just enjoy your time whatever you do.

Make Funny Fortune Cookies Pictures at

Make Funny Fortune Cookies Pictures at

Make Funny Fortune Cookies Pictures at

(Erin, this one is for you)

Make Funny Fortune Cookies Pictures at

Make Funny Fortune Cookies Pictures at

Make Funny Fortune Cookies Pictures at

Make Funny Fortune Cookies Pictures at
Dual Mom from We're at Dad's That Week
June from 3! A Charm

Thursday, February 11, 2010

The Shot

Circle Cirle
Dot Dot
I TOTALLY got the cootie shot

But SOMEHOW I am still sick.

UGH! So I googled instructions and come to find out, I've only been partially immunized. To fully protect yourself hide under the bed for the next 3 months please follow these instructions for administering protection:


First memorize and practice self-administering the basic cootie shot. Recite the phrase "circle, circle, dot, dot, now I've got the cootie shot," while using your index finger to trace the aforementioned geometric figures on your forearm. Heed my words, you cannot do this too often. You never know when a something is going to touch you or breathe on you, and when it does, the last thing you want to have to worry about is whether your last cootie shot has worn off.

Step 2

Assuming you have not been infected with the cooties yourself, it is your civic duty to administer this shot to other friends, substituting "you've" for "I've," of course. Such shots have been proven to last even longer than those administered to oneself. The scientific explanation for this is complicated, and goes outside the scope of this article.

 Step 3

Once you have mastered the basic shot, it is important to learn some variants as well. In general, you want to be immunized by as many different shots as possible, by as many different people as possible, and at the most frequent time intervals possible. Cooties is an absolutely horrible contagion, and is not something to be taken lightly.

4. Step 4

Now You've Got It Everywhere!

The next variant is to say, "circle circle square square, now I have it everywhere," again while tracing the two-dimensional figures named. While the shot described in Step 1 provides a tremendous amount of localized protection, a clever germie can surreptitiously infect a part of your body that has not been immunized, especially if it is utilizing updated intelligence obtained by another germie who had previously been dispatched on a reconnaissance mission. While the shot described in this step provides full-body protection, it is limited in strength, and provides minimal protection against simultaneous infection by multiple germies who sometimes work together as an organized unit.

5. Step 5

Now You've Got It All Your Life!

The next variant is, "circle circle knife knife, now I have it all my life." Trace line segments on your arm to represent the knives. While it certainly can't hurt to administer this variant, its effects are debatable. One would be justified in conjecturing that this variant was in fact designed by boys as a means of tricking girls into a false sense of security, and actually offers no protection against cooties whatsoever.

So best of luck to you my dear healthy friends!

Before you check out let this serve as a *reminder* to those who want to link up and participate in tomorrow's FORTUITOUS/FORTUNE COOKIE FRIDAY gig. I don't know that I will make it a weekly thing seeing as how not many participated and I'm not really a big meme person. SO should you want to see it around again be sure to Holla tomorrow once you're up and running!

Looking to update your blog? Want to win a makeover? BloggyBlog Designz is hosting another giveaway:
Bloggy Blog Designz is doing it all over again! They are giving away blog designs and all kinds of goodies. Plus ALL entrants will receive 15% off their purchase! Be sure to check out their website ( for more information, or to enter yourself. The giveaway will close on Feb 14 at midnight.

**click the button on the sidebar to be magically transported to their site!

Comments have been turned off for this post (no it isn't just that your stoopid and can't figure out where the link is). Thank you for stopping by...even though you aren't commenting I CAN STILL SEE YOU (insert snot filled choke-snort evil laugh). Besides, y'all should be busy innoculating yourselves against cooties right now, not commenting. GO FORTH and BE HEALTHY

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Convos From The Hood -7th Edition

Convos From The Hood 
 7th Edition

There is rarely a dull moment when one works in an inner city high school. I'm fortunate that I don't feel the need for a flak jacket and Rambo to provide some 'cover' while I sprint from my car, HK 9mm in hand, to the school building. Join me for a snap shot of what happens Monday through Friday between the bells.

Remember: The Children Are Our Future...
Coach: Tell me something I don’t know about you.
Me: I used to be a man
Coach: *laughing* quit playin. Tell me.
Me: You first.
Coach: I used to be a dancer….they called me Chocolate Thunder
Me: So that’s why Mr. Johnson is so smitten with you?
Coach: You HAD to bring his name into to this? You wrong...
Vice Principal: WAIT! STOP! Why are you late?

Kid: mumbles I had to stop at my locker…

VP: To get an Oreo cookie?

Kid: yup

VP: did you bring me one?

Kid: yup
Teacher to Coach: Hey, you're a coach, you'd know this. What took place today at the Super Bowl in 2007 that made it an important moment in Black History?
Coach: *scratching brow*
Ashley: There are white people that are Muslim?
Teacher: Yes
Ashley: So its not just a black thing?
Teacher: No
Marcus: So there’s a white guy out there named Mahlik?
Leonard: Remember Mr. Crawford? He was like 100 years old

Marshawn: yeah…he had a class ring he wore…said….


.....Class of 6

Leonard: AD or BC?
…explaining how to set up a travel brochure and the requirements of the assignment…

Jessica: Mrs. F, can I put myself down as an attraction?

Mrs. F: ummmm. ..NO

Ronald: shit why not? She’s cheaper and more fun than an amusement park….
Marcus: Ms Daffy, I know you can sing.
Ashley: you sing? Really?
ME: No. Not really
Marcus: Yes you do. I can tell by the way you talk.
Ashley: Do you sing country?
ME: why would you assume that? Is it because I’m white?
Ashley: *GASP* MS DAFFY!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Gratitude with Attitude - Speed and Cooties

Gratitude with Attitude Tuesday - giving thanks one sarcastic snarktastic Thank You Note at a time. Have a few words you'd like to share? Grab the code and button below and give a holla to Adrienzgirl at Think Tank Momma. You can link up with the rest of us thankless Thankful folk and we'll share in the therapeutic cleansing ritual of giving thanks. Let us begin.... :

Think Tank Momma

Dear Mr. Impatient
hgbvClimbing into my tail pipe WILL NOT make my car move faster.
 If anything it will piss me off which DOES cause my vehicle to slow down.
This may come as a suprise to you but I can not drive any faster than the car in front of me.

The Turtle
Dear Local PD:
WTF? Since when does a traffic cop drive a Mustang?
 Of course I can not out run you in my Mom Mobile. Next time?
I will be prepared and OH YES there will be a next time.

Pulled Over
Dear Homeless Dude with the Invisible Sign:

Please spend the invisible money wisely.

Laughing and Probably Shouldn't Be
Dear Sick Cooties:
If your goal was to incite wishes of one's head exploding;
you win.
I can handle you head on bitch.
Please leave Little Ducky alone already.
Imma bustin out the lysol and cleaning down to the last electrical socket
 (in hopes that my head will explode in the process).

Fever Ravished Duck

***just a quick note to all of you that have missed my witty wonderful fantastically written and spelled correctly comments...I will hopefully catch up mid week. Between myself being sick and my little duck I havent' the time for a damn thing. And when i do have a moment I'm either blowing buckets of snot or trying to get some sleep. Sorry I haven't made the rounds. I'll be back soon. Thank you for understanding.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Picture Memoir Monday -the Debut

It's Memoir Monday as started by Travis at I Like To Fish. Since we know this new phenomenon is spreading like crabs through a high school football team, lets join the fun.

Last week Travis suggested that we  'choose one or two or whatever' [pictures] as long as it tells a story. Of course one is welcome to actually include the story along with the photo (because really, the women in blogland must get in their 18,909,879,287,349 words per day). Evidently Big T wants to prove he was a stick in 7th grade. Be sure to jump ponds if you haven't been there already.

Annoyingly enough, this was an especially difficult task for me. I'm a bit of a photography neurotic whack job nut and I have a 4,000 sq ft storage unit full few albums of photos in which I would enjoy sharing with you. I am a bit deeper throated than the saucy sassy fantastically gorgeous super smokin hot cuter before she opens her mouth snarktastic duck displayed week after week. I honestly sat infront of my computer for 30 seconds HOURS wavering between funny, serious and talent showcasing photos.

I settled on this one.....(I even gave it a title!)

The Interpreter
Yes. That is me. If you have happened upon my blog and you think you know me in real life, you will certainly confirm such supposition by the end of this post. In which case I ask that you please look directly at this.........insert Men In Black theme music....
image from
Now that we've taken care of that....the vague details behind this photo are as follows:
There was a super freakin' cool concert run in my city for a super duper MAJOR country SUPER STAR. Not that I'm a country music fan but I am a fan of myself and I totally pimped out my services when I heard of this man coming to my great city. Fortunately for me not once but TWICE there were deaf and/ or hard of hearing persons who requested interpreting services for this series of concerts. The great Duckalicious stood mere feet and at times inches from this man who's name may or may not be Garth getting paid to have the most fun I've ever had while working!
I was well team (there was one other interpreter with whom I traded the spot light during the two and a half hour show) and I spent over 30 hours prior to the first concert studying lyrics if I never hear another Garth song it will be too soon unless of course I'm banking mucho greeno to hear it. For the second* time in my life I was standing before THOUSANDS....22,000+ for this particular event not that I'm bragging or anything because I may or may not have wanted to piss my pants each and everytime I thought about it.  *I do believe I'll save the first appearing to the masses for another memoir post. 
One of my most favorite moments of the night was at the conclusion of the concert when the writer of the song More Than A Memory approached me. Unbeknownst to me he was seated just two rows in front of me (and the stage). He says, "It was the most amazing moment to watch you interpret that song; so beautiful and moving and the perfect visual demonstration of everything that went into writing it. Thank you."
I think I responded with "............................."

 I had nothing.

So smooth smooth

Thanks TravyG for specifying this week be a Picture Memoir. It was fun (and daring as only one other time since the inception of BCC have I posted a picture with myself in it) and I look forward to more of these. WANT TO PLAY ALONG? GOT A STORY TO TELL OR PICTURE TO SHARE? YES I LIKE TYPING IN ALL CAPS SO SHUTYERPIEHOLE! JUMP PONDS (via the link in the very first paragraph or through the button) and link up. We'll be visiting you too!

Friday, February 5, 2010

Fortunes, Forecasts and Poop

It's's one of the constants in my life I've come to depend on. I'm a bit scattered this morning so I'll start by apologizing for getting this up later than usual for those who wanted to be linked at the bottom. As I left the house this morning Mr. Frosty decided to just open up and dumb his bowels with massive force on us unblieveing peeps below. The weather people were calling for the beginning of the week it was a maybe. By mid week that maybe turned into 6 inches by Friday. That 6 inches by Friday turned into MAYBE 2 inches during the noon hour today.

Heh...the only job where one can be wrong 365 days a year and still retain full employement....anyshovel, just as I left the house Mr. Frosty made a fool of those 'predictors' came hard and fast (That's what she said) and rendered most on the road STOOPID. You'd think that afer the 25+ inches of snow we've already recieved this season that people would be able to drive in it.'d think. more snow bitching for me. I'm here - I'm alive - and no longer hungry. I was in the car for so long that I not only ate my breakfast but my lunch too. That's a damn long commute people.

Munch on this!

Fortune Cookie Friday....crack one open and see what Snarktastic Sass Duckalicious has for you.

Make Funny Fortune Cookies Pictures at

Make Funny Fortune Cookies Pictures at

Make Funny Fortune Cookies Pictures at

Make Funny Fortune Cookies Pictures at

Make Funny Fortune Cookies Pictures at

Make Funny Fortune Cookies Pictures at

Make Funny Fortune Cookies Pictures at

If you'd like for me to link you here, shoot me an email or leave your info in the comments. I didn't do a Mr. Linky...well....because I'm lazy. If we get a decent turn out today, next week I'll have a linky :O) I Pinky Promise *muah*


Erin at The Mother Load
Annie (at) A Stones Throw From Insanity

Thursday, February 4, 2010

I'm Over the Moon - grab a square and take a seat

I'm once again willinginly drinking the Koolade at Lilu's. It's grape today FYI. She's hysterical - let her be your guilty pleasure today. She is NOT for people without a sense of humor or with delicate sensibilities. Of course you probably wouldn't be here if you didn't know how to laugh - or at least roll your eyes.

As a recap (in case you forgot or are a newer follower) Lilu is awesome about posting humiliating personal stories with WAAAY too much information for the casual reader. I used to be a regular with this one but then Humiliation took a jetaway to Mexico on account of the cold weather. It's been awhile since I've let my ugly hang out...okay not really but work me here, K?! response to last week's As Answered by The Man, here is the mooning story.

From nearly the first moments hubs and I met, I've gotten my kicks from mooning him. Initially it was because I was young, my ass dimple free (and in its proper position) and of course I thought he liked it. As many know, marriage and time change everything! Early on and probably through the first year of marriage hubs would get a twinkle in his eye and this goofy lopsided grin. Predictability will kill almost anything. My moon wasn't new anymore (but getting fuller). He well knew what it looked like and his amusement turned to "Seriously?".

Fast forward several years...

I was feeling particularly ornery on night shocker I know and decided to blast him. He started wheezing and not from enjoyment either. He was laughing to the point of not breathing. I hoped it continued - the not breathing part. It is NEVER a good thing when a woman shows a man her ass and he falls out of his recliner with laughter unless he hits his head rendering him unconscious for long enough to draw phallic symbols on his forehead in permanent marker. I yanked my pants up along with my pride and glared at him with my Death Laser stare. When he finally caught his breath damn I demanded asked him was so effing funny about my ass. Evidently Charmin is STRONG for I still had a square or two stuck between my crack.

And THAT is the mooning story. Or at least one of them.....

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Convos From the Hood - 6th Edition

Convos From the Hood
 6th Edition
There is rarely a dull moment when one works in an inner city high school. I'm fortunate that I don't feel the need for a flak jacket and Rambo to provide some 'cover' while I sprint from my car, HK 9mm in hand, to the school building.

Entire gym class engaged in a game of basketball…
Barbie (as the teacher refers to her) walks into class 30 minutes late and says, “Coach, what are we doing?”
Teacher: Is Africa a country or a continent?
Class majority: COUNTRY!
Boy 1: You bootsey! You didn’t tell me that girl I was talking to was a dude!

Boy 2: Shiz was funny nig

Boy 1: You bootsey coz! That wasn’t Brandon’s sista IT.WAS.BRANDON

Boy 2: let’s just air out right now! You knows yous stuck your finger in his butthole. YOU.KNOW.YOU. DID

Girl: F*ck you. I don’t have no stretch marks on my titties. Got some on my ass. *lauging* He hit it every single way
Dude: The things I do for this school. They should just name it after me.
Chica: Why? Where you been?
Dude: In the principal’s office on the phone with the Times. They were interviewing me bout our college dual credit program n stuff. I just lied THROUGH.MY.TEETH. Yeah! *holds two thumbs up* This is a GREAT school! The police have only been here twice today!
Chica: College programs? Uh….could I getta name for that class? Our principal is worthless….
Coach to Daffy: So when you gunna start returning all this flirtin? It’s just me....
Daffy: I’m not
Coach: Come on! I like seeing you turn red. You haven’t even tried to make me turn blurple.

And there you have it...a well rounded demographically socioeconomically diversified snap shot of what happens Monday through Friday between the bells. Check the archives for past installments of CFTH or click here for my favorite one!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Spreading Gratitude with Attitude

Gratitude with Attitude Tuesday - giving thanks one sarcastic snarktastic Thank You Note at a time. Have a few words you'd like to share? Grab the code and button below and give a holla to Adrienzgirl at Think Tank Momma. You can link up with the rest of us thankless Thankful folk and we'll share in the therapeutic cleansing ritual of giving thanks. Let us begin....

Think Tank Momma

Dear Old Fart
It was a controlled slide! At no point was I ever concerned I was actually going to smash into you. Clutching your chest and going all bug-eyed was a little over dramatic, dontcha think? Thankyouverymuch for not kickin’ the bucket then and there. Would’ve put a real damper on my day.

I’z Gots Mario Andretti Skillz

My Dearest Harriet

I make a sizeable payment each month for the pleasure of driving you. The least you could do is ding at me when you’re low on washer fluid. Really. WTF?

Peering Through The Haze
To The Passive Aggressive Tool

Thankyouverymuch for being a prime example of how NOT to behave some 15+ years post HIGH SCHOOL. I’ve no doubt it momentarily felt good and even gave you a giggle. But really, when its all said and done if you’re honestly proud of your behavior you are mentally ill.

*waving* From the High Road

Monday, February 1, 2010

Memoir Monday - An Italian and A Redneck or Helmets May Prevent Jail Time

It's Monday - the craptasticky first day of the week. However, grab your pole and head to the hole, (Mooog and Ed, that was totally for you!) after you've read this Memoir, for links to other great posts on I Like To Fish. Grab the button, write your own and link up! The Rule of Travis states that it must only be true....the rest is open water!

and Yes, this is a true story as recounted to me via the Italian and the wife of Redneck an Italian and a Redneck have been wrenching all day on Redneck's broken down truck. Finally turning wheels on its own, at midnight truck begs to be taken out for a test drive. Brother-In-Law (from here on out BIL) of said Redneck and Italian lives not too far away. Redneck, Italian and truck decide to head that direction and along the way picks up a few palates of toilet paper.

Redneck wants Italian's help to tee-pee BIL's house. BIL recently spent an asinine amount of green on a row of trees to line the frontage of his 2 1/2 acre lot. Hopped up on Timberwolf Long Cut Wintergreen chewing tobacco, exhaust fumes and stupid, Redneck and Italian contact the wife of said Redneck to giggle out their plans.

Wife of Redneck reminds the boys that BIL has a high tech security system in which live cameras continuously record the perimeter of the property. (Insert mental forehead slap here). Italian says, "Man, lets just go back." Undeterred Redneck devises a plan...

..."Dude! We so can still do it! Let's go back to the house and get some motorcycle helmets. If we dress in black and wear the motorcycle helmets BIL won't recognize us."