Monday, March 22, 2010

Damn Yankee

Since we know this phenomenon is spreading like crabs through a high school football team, lets join the fun. Link up with Travis at I Like to Fish and read other fabulous memoirs....

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If you’ve been around the pond for any length of time you know that most often post topics center around the stupidness I faceplant into (<---that link is probably a helluva lot funnier than this one, justsayin) or happen to be surrounded by. This is one of those posts -a faceplant one.

A few memoirs back I shared my love of fire, heat, the way it mesmerizes me and draws me in. Like a stripper to a pole so am I to a flame. And of course when you mix stupid and fire someone is bound to get burned.

*raises hand*

Dumbass table of one….now seating…..

Boring stuff short? I hit a hot sale at the Yankee Candle store and brought home enough scented candles to cover Martha Stewart’s farts for a year. JACKPOT!

So there I sit at the kitchen table with my line of orgasm by fire laid out in front of me. After selecting the first beautiful specimen to touch with my fire stick, I strike it up and sit back basking in the glow of pleasure.

2 minutes pass….I don’t smell anything yet.

I’m not of the patient sort….I glance at the clock. I’m getting pissy that this stupidass over-priced candle that I bought isn’t worth shit because it doesn’t smell.

Somone me gets the bright idea that maybe if my nose were just a little closer I could catch a trail of its scent.

Yeah…THAT worked out well.

Not only did I not smell anything but I was so mesmerized by the flickering flame that I had no awareness of how close I actually was to said flame.

CUE SINGED HAIR….lost some eyelashes and all the hair in my nose. Yeah, I’ve got hair in my nose…I’m not really a duck you know. And let me tellya, singed nose hair? Smells disgusting...and you can't escape it and its really weird having these little singed hairballs in your nose....

I don't suggest you try this at home.

45 comments:

singedwingangel said...

lmbo but let me assure you that you are not alone in this phenomena.. I know people, including myself that have done the same thing..

Homesick Cajun said...

Ouch lol! Girl...been there, singed that!!

Mrsblogalot said...

You just brought back some painful and smelly memories for me (-:

BigSis said...

Burning hair is one of the WORST smells in the world. I can't imagine it being IN your nose. Yuck!

Amanda said...

YUCK burning hair. But I know exactly how you feel -- I, too, am mesmerized by candles! but really, how is this your fault? I blame Yankee Candle!

Moooooog35 said...

I'm guessing you've heard the term, 'Not the brightest bulb in the chandelier' before.

Tracie said...

Oh no........I sympathize with this one. The singed hair is the worst!

Two Normal Moms said...

O.M.G. burning nose hair? ICK. Thank goodness you didn't burn your face!
Too funny, in a past tense sort of way! (Being as how it probably took a few minutes -or days- to be funny)

***Ally

Momma Fargo said...

I know I shouldn't have laughed, but I saw it coming. And you little description of orgasm by fire is priceless!

Aunt Juicebox said...

Oh I love me some candles! I was just at the Yankee Candle outlet this weekend. I didn't buy any though. I just bought some great candles from Walmart of all places. They smell great! I've never managed to burn myself with one, but I do often burn myself with my flat iron. Heh.

Cara Smith said...

I've done some stupid things and burned some stupid things.

Just don't start cooking the bacon before you put your shirt on.

Ian said...

BAHAHA that's great, well maybe not but you understand. I used to be a man-whore of the Yankee Candle store. hmm, time to go back...

Tiffany said...

the husband remarked this weekend that he needs a pair of nose clippers--perhaps i should send him down your route instead. we've already got the candle.

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Svaha said...

It may not be a bad thing. I used to work for Yankee Candle and for a while my office was in the factory where they pour the candles. When I was there they would be pouring 5 fragrances at a time (I think they have 8 lines running now). One candle can be a little overpowering at times. Thousands of candles in five different scents can lead to some migraine inducing fogs of Chocolate Monkey Butt, Summertime Granny Fanny, and the ever popular Citronella Death.

If I thought burning my nose hairs would have helped, believe me I would have.

Matty said...

I hope the hubs uses the candles to his advantage. Ahem.

Salt said...

You burned out your NOSE HAIR? I have never before heard of anything like this happening. You are a special, special person. :)

Now I have to know, because I am a Yankee candle FREAK, what flavor was said nosehairburning candle?

Shell said...

Singed nose hair???? You crazy girl. Stay away from fire.

Taylorvillegirl said...

I have burned myself on many, many things (curling irons, ovens, motorcycles) but never like this. You have to tell us what the scent was. I'm guessing it was something you've never used again.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

LMAO! Well I've done that and burned my bangs right off...so at least your hair didn't catch on fire!

Joann Mannix said...

That's a great one! The toughest part is explaining the singed hair to everyone.

I just got a new Yankee candle to add to my freakin museum collection of Yankee candles. Seriously, I could keep my town stocked in light if there were a black-out. This one is vanilla cupcake and it is scrumptious! The only problem is I'm jonesin' for some Funfetti just about now.

Dame Nuisance said...

LMAO! Poor thing, I feel for ya. I'm a pyro, too - love woodburning fireplaces, incense, candles, gas stoves, oil lamps ... you name, I've got it and I burn it. Haven't managed to cut down on the ol' nose hair by getting too close to a flame, tho', lol, that one's all you!

Kelly said...

I'm totally laughing at you right now! Sorry. As far as the candles go, I think they smell a lot better not lit than when they are. Candles are a rip off. Then they stink when you blow them out. We won't talk about my olympic sized collection.

Aphrodite's Mortal Friend (ME) said...

HA! Stupid and fire do not mix!! Well said :-)

Erin said...

Burning nose hair is one of those things I hope to never come into contact with or experience myself. Oh my!

MiMi said...

I'm so glad that I'm not the only nose hair retard!! That exact shiz happened to me. For real! With a Yankee Candle!!! I think it's YC company's fault. Maybe we should sue em. Dang candle maker evil people.

Nancy C said...

Scene:

Christmas Eve. Midnight Candlelight Service.

1986. My bangs were about the size of a newborn. Final Net was a good, good friend.

Or it was, until "Silent Night, Holy Night" became "Ring of Fire."

My mother put me out in the baptismal font.

Travis said...

Well, at least you kept the beard.

Damn.

That was probably the wrong thing to say.

:)

Annie @ astonesthrowfrominsanity said...

Dumbass table of two . . .

You are not alone. In college, I leaned over a candle to blow it out, caught my hair on fire and then it singed my shirt as I smacked at the flames licking at my chest. Hair is one thing, but boobs . . .not so good!

Michele said...

OMG!!! That was classic :)

I have been there, and singed that as well... err.. um... more than once. LOL

Great post!
Sure have missed your blog since i've been away. Looks like I have some catching up to do :)

clevelandpoet said...

amazing.

Just the laugh I needed today

If it helps my mom once burned my side burns with her lighter.

"accidentially"

leigh said...

You are a genius! I love it!

Shannon said...

I so remember singed eyebrows from long ago trying to light a cigarette with a gas stove burner...not very smart was I...congrats on the win Daffy!

moorebloglife said...

OMG I laughed so hard I almost.... well I'll let you figure out that one. Should we send you Flame "Retardant" clothing for Christmas this year? ;-)

Raoulysgirl said...

***raises hand***

Can I sit at the cool kids' table? I'll relinquish my lighter...

Cuz I'm impatient, too.

So's my cat. She likes to sniff the candles, also. She's not very bright...or whiskery...

June said...

I have fried my bangs before and maybe a few eyelashes but never nose hairs... I can so smell that shit now as I am typing.

No playing with FIRE!! Bad Duck!!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

OMG, I'm dying laughing. My oldest son has that wonderful fascination with fire too. I guess since you're not exactly a pyromaniac, I can stop worrying about him?

Alexis AKA MOM said...

No wonder you don't cook often you may set the house on fire along with some other hairs ... reminder to always wear full clothes no bathing suits!

The Blue Zoo said...

Burned nose hair? Ew. LOL Im thinking a Scentsy may be a safer option for you.....

Mad Woman said...

YOU'RE NOT REALLY A DUCK?!?!?!!

I feel so let down.

Shrinky said...

Has anyone ever told you what an eloquent turn of phrase you have? "..enough to cover Martha Stewart's farts.." Haaaaaaaaa! Guess this is one occassion where you really should have kept your nose out of it, eh?

Housewife Bliss said...

still stuck on the crabs in a high school football team -- LOVE THAT!!!! I just adore coming here and laughing my ass off. thank you darling.

Corrie Howe said...

Oh, Daffy! You are way too funny! I bet burnt nose hair is a fate worse than death. Sorry, but I'll be laughing at your lesson learned for the rest of the day.

Tracie said...

I used to singe my hair when I lit cigarettes off the stove. My sylist couldn't figure out why my split ends looked so funny.

Tracie said...

I used to singe my hair when I lit cigarettes off the stove. My sylist couldn't figure out why my split ends looked so funny.