Monday, January 11, 2010

Memoir Monday - Geez! What Happened To You?

It's Memoir Monday as started by Travis at I Like To Fish. Just a few rules...well...just one that I can remember - It's gotta be true. No problemo dude-o. Settle in for a quick trip into the past.
Photobucket


Most everyone knows that while pregnant your body changes in uncountable ways. Some permanent, some not so permanent (THANK GOD). One of the blessings that goes with the territory is loss of balance….assuming you had any to begin with.

Really, there are some of us that should just wrap ourselves in bubble wrap for the total 10 month experience. I should’ve started the BUBBLE WRAP YOUR ASS movement two years ago. I didn’t. It would’ve behooved me but then when have I done something simply because it hooved someone’s be?

So picture me (okay, any ole gal, since 99.9% of you think of me as a duck) 5 months pregnant. I was HUGE. To drive home this point, at five months gestation I had strangers asking me if I was having triplets. Lovely, eh? Slap a Goodyear sticker on my ass and I could pimp myself to the BLIMP people for advertisements at major sporting events.



Five months into my whale look a like contest and I’m walking into the doc’s office for an ultrasound. Out of nowhere some invisible force pushes me I lost my balance while walking over a curb, I teeter….I warble…I scream….aaaaaaaand face-plant in the asphalt parking lot. Can you believe all I said was “Ouch”?

True.

A few emergency room hours later, a visit to the xray picture people, as well as my doc and I’ve officially busted my kneecap. Damn near clean in two. The baby was/is fine. No one wanted to touch me with a ten foot pole due to the pregnancy. No surgery to fix the knee cap…just a LONG 10 weeks in a full leg brace in the summer…in the Midwest….and a follow up with 3 months physical therapy.

So I’m sitting in the extremely uncomfortable exam room at the Orthopedic Surgeon awaiting my the official prognosis and course of action. In walks the doc, a jovial fella, with my xrays in hand. He says, “Geez! What happened to you?”

Why is that everyone has jokes when you’re cranky and nearing beached whale status?

Of course I reply with a slight shrug of the shoulder, “Some asshole knocked me up.”

It was a full ten blinks before he opened his mouth again. I’m thinking he was using his doctor super powers to gauge whether he should laugh or ignore the comment.

42 comments:

Quixotic said...

*snort* Best. Doctor. Comeback. Ever.
Also loving the hooved someone's be phrasing. Be prepared for me to steal that. K?Thx!

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

That is hysterical. Honey, you never lose your charm!!

Mrsblogalot said...

Absolutely fantastic retort and I would expect nothing less from you!

The Peach Tart said...

I bet he told this story over and over.

jeff said...

damn that asshole

Moooooog35 said...

"I tripped and fell on a penis."

Hindsight is SO 20/20.

adrienzgirl said...

Can't believe he just blinked.

You are so funny! :D

My mom used to blow up like that when she was pregnant. She went to visit someone in the hospital one time when she was pregnant, she was around 4 months along. They whipped her in a wheelchair when she walked in and started heading to L&D. Idiots!

BigSis said...

I envy you for having such quick wit. Half the time I think of the perfect response 30 minutes after the situation!

Dual Mom said...

I'm so envious of you ability to think of comebacks like that!

I was the opposite of you...no one knew I was pregnant until I was about 7 months.

Coffeypot said...

I would have told him, "It's just gas. I'm stopped up and you don't want to be around when it blows. So lets hurry up and get this visit over with whild we can."

Shell said...

Perfect comeback!

June said...

Hard to find a Doc with a good bedside manner.

When Ward broke his ankle (the foot was sitting to the left of the ankle) the Doc walked in and says "It appears you have something wrong with your ankle"

We all chuckled and discussed how they were going to grab the foot and leg, pull opposite directions and so the foot & ankle would line up again. That was wild!

suzicate said...

Great comeback! Sorry about your fall...sounds like something that would happen to me!

Travis said...

I like it.

I like how it's always the mans fault when a chick gets pregnant.

That vagina, it's just as innocent as can be. What with being so smooth and wonderful...

Fuck. I have an erection.

Corrie Howe said...

Wow! I can't believe you had that misery upon misery. I had an auto accident and crushed my kneecap. It was the most painful experience of my life, even more than labor. At least in labor I got pain meds. In the ER with my knee I didn't get meds because they have to know every pain so they can make sure they fix everything. (I had a black eye, crushed kneecap and shattered ankle. I only knew about the eye, because it was swollen shut, but not about the ankle because the pain in my knee was so bad.)

I couldn't image all that AND being as huge as a whale.

Ed Adams said...

Poor duckie had to lay her egg on one leg.

Tiffany said...

thank you for saying '10 months' of pregnancy and nont '9'. i don't know why everyone is such a liar about that.

i say 'behoove' a lot because it almost sounds dirty and my mom makes fun of me.

that entire story was horrible. you have some extra wings waiting for you in heaven for that one.

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

I might've gone with "My leg got caught up in some jolly doctor's ass after I kicked him for asking stupid questions!"

But yours' had a little more class...

Hillbilly Duhn said...

LMAO, I suppose he didn't know what to say...lol, too funny.

Noelle said...

omg...you crack me up! that is an awesome comeback for a really stupid question. once again, you showed the world why you are made of the awesome sauce!

blueviolet said...

I can't believe you had that snap response. LOVE IT!

Two Normal Moms said...

Your on the spot wit continues to amuse me to no end.
Please, please tell me you got that brace off your leg before trying to squeeze a full sized newborn out of your 'not big enough no matter who you are' nether regions! (And if not, please tell me you had a c-section) Cause trying to imagine giving birth with a straight leg is not funny.
***Ally

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

wow. and it really is the truth. at that point you do feel like some asshole knocked you up.

Aunt Juicebox said...

I had to have minor surgery when I was about 7 months pregnant. Not fun. You however, are damn hilarious.

Tracie said...

ROFL

Imagining you as a pregnant duck reminds me that when I was huge-pregnant, my husband thought it was the height of hilarious to walk a few steps behind me in the store and occasionally quack. Yes, it is surprising that he lived to see his daughter born!

Sunday said...

WOW, I feel a bit bad for laughing at that story because I know it was in no way funny at the time....or for the remainder of the pregnancy in that horrid full-leg cast.
Loved the comment to the doctor..that is Priceless.

Erin said...

YOu always have the best lines! No fair!

p.s. my initials are EBM. never thought about how we have similar initials (re: your comment on Travis' blog from today)....LOL!

April said...

L.M.A.O.
You are too funny!!

LMJ said...

LMAO!! Oh man, that must have sucked ass (the leg brace for 10 weeks)!!!

I blew really big when I got pregnant, and fell down a couple of times--baby was/is fine.

Hubby gave me a nickname "wabble, wabble." I kept saying waddle when I'd talk about walking and he kept thinking I was saying wabble...so that's my nickname.

Life Laugh Latte said...

I'm trying to imagine you pushing with a broken knee cap. No question about it...Epidural all the way... as much for the knee as the hoochie! You have a much higher funny story ratio than I do. Not fair!! Holly

gayle said...

So very funnY!!

Nancy C said...

Just brilliant. You crack me up.

Alex said...

Ba ha ha ha. I like to make inappropriate jokes when I'm pregnant too. Scares old ladies.

Favourite...

So do all your children take after their father?

I wouldn't know, I can't remember who their fathers are.

ScoMan said...

Poor doctor. I know how he feels. People test me with lines like that all the time.

Like "I'm getting married"
"Congratulations"
"Well pregnancy has a way of hurrying these things along"
...
...
...
...
"Congratulations?"

wheelyboy said...

i am not pregnant. can't get pregnant even though my wife tells me i look pregnant, but i used to fall pretty often. Once in a shop i fell and landed on my back between a womans feet, looking up her skirt. I thought she was going to stomp on my face until I groaned involuntarily

Alexis AKA MOM said...

I find laughing at the pregnant ladies can lead to trouble, just nod and smile like the penguins on Madagascar say .. LOL

Oh no sweetie what pain! I still haven't figured out how to walk after being pg :)

The girl with the flour in her hair said...

You're just a traveling circus, aren't ya?

And I mean that in the bestest way. :)

Danielle said...

I would have loved to see his face on that one.

Queen "B" said...

Aloha,
just dropped in to visit and left laughing...I owe you one
thanks, I'll be by again
Aloha
Bra

kys said...

Ha! Dr.'s aren't known for their sense of humor, are they?

Lynn said...

Oh, I love it! A full ten blinks worth!

Aunt of 14 said...

This is priceless!!! Bwahahahaha!!!