Thursday, December 31, 2009

One More Quickie...Before 2009 dies

Because I'm a geriatric loser friendless dorK homebody, I'm home tonight while you all are boozing it up in Partyville. The kiddo is in bed quietly sleeping (thank you Benadryl!)...  hubs went to bed a couple of hours ago. My Crackberry chat gals are keeping me company and I'm catching up on what the cool kids have been up to in Blogland. Hence this quick extra, unscheduled post.

I won a caption contest AND he said nice things about me! YES! I know! Totally weird right!?!

Jeff over at This Is Why Your Hold Time Is So Long has caption contest. I'm usually not witty like. Evidently someone thought I was funny for my caption one. Here's the link, go check out my wicked wittiness....the ass in my sassifrass....the jun in my injun (sorry...I know that was stupid. If you clicked the link though you wouldn't still be reading this and that last one would make a whole helluva lot more sense).

Thanks a million Jeff! You've sparked an idea...for a contest maybe...a giveaway could be invovled...I'm nearing my 100th post...what is truly true about Duckalicious....

Till next year y'all!

I Swallowed Big Birds Head TMI-Thursday

I swallowed Big Birds head.

Okay, I didn’t but Joshua over at The Technical Parent has a daughter who did…well, he thought she did…it’s a funny story that involves lots of poop and baggies. Just go over there and read it.

I mention Josh because while lurking about his digs I found that he posted a Lite version of Lilu’s TMI Thursday. Sadly, life has been pretty tame and lame in my pond. However plenty still happens daily that would embarrass a normal person, I don’t want to bypass sharing this Thursday. So, I’m going for the Lite version (a total steel from Josh –he’s letting me pay in Goldfish!) and doing it List Style… please don’t throw stones. I’ve a wicked good aim….justsayin…

Laugh at my expense:

1.) You know you are seriously lacking in cognitive ability when you wave to a small gathering of people on your neighbor’s front porch only to realize they are plastic and HOLDING THE BABY JESUS! (it was an oversized Nativity Scene! Give a Duck a break. Could’ve happened to anybody)

2.) Once while interpreting a very heated presentation at a very emotionally charged lecture (in front of several hundred people) I jammed my finger so far up my nose that it bled like a stuck pig and the site EMT service had to attend to me while the Director of Services called a replacement interpreter. Oh and it was televised.

3.) I snort when I laugh. Not a smooth or classy skill to possess when you’re trying to be smooth or classy. Especially not good while on a date or eating a salad. Or eating a salad on a date and a carrot chunk attempts a daring ‘soon to be colon refuse’ fate escape and comes flying out your nose thunking your date on the chin. That’s not gonna get you laid….justsayin

4.) This week while driving in my vehicle….the heater was blasting (because it was 8 degrees outside) and I was hot. Naturally I turned down the radio to remedy the situation…..

5.) Awhile back while at a bonfire party the subject of pink tacos came up. Many of the people present were giving one particular guy a hard time calling him pink taco and what not. Evidently he had just escaped some sort of Hen gathering (also know as a girl party) his wife was having at their home. There was a lull in the conversation and I asked “So, tell me more about this pink taco stuff. Is it a fundraiser for Breast Cancer Awareness?” Talk about the ability to swoop in and steal all the attention at a party. I think even the fire died out at that point. If you don’t know what a pink taco is, please google it. I’m not splainin it to ya…

Happy New Year Y'All!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Tale of Two Steves

No offense to those of you who may be named Steve or know and like someone named Steve. I’ve not had good luck with anyone named Steve. They all take the Asshat title to new heights. I’ll share just two of the many Steve’s with whom I’ve the misfortune of sharing breathable air.

In a recent Memoir Monday post I mentioned that I worked for a major airline some 10 years back. I worked in the Agency Services department there and the ‘big boss’ was a supreme ass named Steve. Everyone was afraid of his critical attitude, penchant for perfection and his daily sexist power trips. We all know how tolerant I am of Asshats and the rate at which my brain to mouth filter malfunctions when smacked with arrogant asshats to the nth degree. In my defense I did take Steve’s verbal assaults for quite sometime (he did have the power to fire me on the spot) before my filter popped a spring and mouth started yammering back.

While taking as long as possible to walk to another department (really, cubical rat maze offices are just NOT my thing) to verify some passenger information I passed Mr. wankerSteve standing at his office door talking with HIS boss…(so this was the big BIG ass boss). The puffing of Steve’s chest was visible and his voice all but dripped with condescension, “Oh Daffy! Don’t worry about that new haircut. It will grow back.” The Good ‘Ole Boys club shared a chuckle.

Halting mid-stride, I spun around flashing my mega-watt smile and said, “At least mine will Steve.” Chew on THAT ya balding asshat! The collective gasp across the 12,000 square feet of the 6th floor was deafening. Evidently sound carried very well for as my size 7 Franco’s carried me into Passenger Records I was receiving discreet winks and knuckle bumps. Surprisingly enough, Steve never again went out of his way to speak to me.

Next in line is Jiffy Lube Steve aka Mr. Mechanic of the Year. He is/was the manager at a local Jiffy Lube store….this being a place to have the oil changed in one’s vehicle and whatever else encompasses a lube job. Normally Hubs takes care of this at home and truth be told even I could handle the job were I so incline. This time I wasn’t.

I handed over my keys and paid for the changing of the oil….fast forward 30 minutes and I was walking out the door and on my way home. Oddly my oil light winked at me constantly as I motored out of the parking lot and my oil pressure gage was reading at zero. I figured one of the kids doing the change bumped something and Hubs would have to take a look at it once I got home. Fortunately for me the Jiffy Lube was just a few blocks from my house.

Once home and upon closer inspection we found that there was no oil in the Jeep at all. NONE. Evidently by oil change they mean ‘Take your oil out, charge you an asinine amount of money for 2 minutes worth of work and then send you on your way and laugh as your dry-as-a-bone engine grinds to a deadly smoking halt and you have to send your fully paid for vehicle off to the junk yard to become a Coke can”. Somehow I luckily beat hubs to the phone. I say luckily because within the space of four strides he’d already verbally slain the store manager 7 ways to Sunday.

After speaking with the manager who assured me that he personally watched the boys in the shop add oil to my vehicle, I drove said vehicle back to the store for a 'recheck'. I all but pushed it as I was worried the engine would seize up. It’s old though and evidently had enough engine sludge built up she made it to the store without falling out.

I walked to the counter. A boy asked me if I was there for an oil change.

“No. I’m here for Oil”

Looking confused he asked me what I meant. It might be helpful to know that at this point the small waiting room was overflowing with patrons… very loudly and very slowly I explained, “I’m here for the oil I paid for. You see, y’all drained my oil about 30 minutes ago and sent me on my way. You somehow in your infinite wisdom forgot to REPLACE THE OIL. How do you bypass adding oil?” About this time Steve comes into the building from the garage and attempts to quiet me down which only further incites me as he speaks to me in “You’re a woman what could you know about cars” kind of tone. He actually asked me if I was maybe looking at the transmission fluid dip stick and not the oil as he himself remembered checking the oil before giving leave of my vehicle.

Turns out Mr. Mechanic of The Year Steve was the one who checked the transmission fluid instead of the oil…and did it right in front of me a second time while attempting to prove how stupid he thought I was. Pointing out his stupid mistake was gloriously rewarding; even better than having the satisfaction of taking all but two customers with me as I left with my refund and quarts of oil in hand. He offered to add the oil for me and in a not so subtle way I shared just where he could put his oil. He wasn’t touching my car again.

What is it with the name Steve? Or do I just have the uncanny ability to cross paths with the dumbasses name Steve?

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

It's Tuesday - Stick It!



Post It Note Tuesday Hosted by Supah Mommy

Feed your addiction Duckalicious Style!









Monday, December 28, 2009

Memoir Monday - Can You Feel The Burn?

It's Memoir Monday as started by Travis at I Like To Fish. Since we know this phenomenon has been  spreading like crabs through a high school football team, lets join the fun. Click on the book for links to more players on the team....
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(repost because hardly anyone...okay like 3 people...was following me when this post originally went up. And since we're coming off a holiday break I'm a little strapped right now....so here ya go....)
Lip Venom
So I splurged - new lip plumper called Lip Venom. it's been out among the less archaic for some time. I decided to see for myself if it really was a runner up to ass fat injections...collegen...same thing.

The packaging is uber cool - ultra modern with a kick of the old school. On the packaging of this tiny little tube

(about ----------------------------- that big) is a small warning.

"The sensation of heat and tingling is normal."

Who doesn't want a little heat and tingle on their smackers? I slap some on and ziltch. No tingle. No heat. No more $16.00 plus shipping (It was a splurge, people). I thought maybe it needed a second coat so I slather a little more on and zoom out the door to my freelance job.

3 blocks later, in the midst of a mental tirade on the crooks at Sephora who sold this crap (Venom my ass) and crushing disappointment that my pouter wouldn't make Angelina Jolie jealous anytime soon, I felt the tinniest bit of tingle. WHOOT! Hope is blooming. A quick peek in the rear view mirror; they didn't look any bigger per se but they were sportin a new healthy pink. I could work with that.

A few blocks later KA POW! My eyes start watering and I nearly drive off the bridge instead of over it (probably a subconscious need to quench the fire - WATER!). The throbbing intensifies and my lips threatened to jump off my face. They, my lips, turned the corner before my Jeep did (think Nutty Professor). Whatever smartass decided that this level of heat and tingling was 'normal' must lick Bic lighters for fun.

All I really wanted do to was lick my lips to quench the fire. Pure vain fear kept me from doing so. What if that crap got on my tongue...and IT swelled? I'd show up to work looking like a moose.

To make matters worse, tossing the Jeep into park, I folded down the visor mirror to make sure my lips hadn't swallowed my face and found glazed to my bottom lip was a dead gnat. I'm not sure which was more disturbing; my lip gloss being so damn hot it fried a bug to my lip or that I couldn't feel A DEAD BUG stuck to it.

BUYER BEWARE

I'm seriously rethinking that "Increase Your Bust Size" cream I saw on an infomercial. What if the cream dripped somewhere else on my body?

--------------------------------------------------
**Running low on cash for the month? Can't make it until your next check? Have no fear, there are resources available to you. Hop online to find a care-free cash advance, at the click of a button. Never go broke, when you don't have to!**

Saturday, December 26, 2009

The Twelve Days After Christmas

...a little ditty I didn't think up but thought humorous all the same. Hopeing your Christmas was filled with an abundance of blessings....I'm currently snuggled up with mine. See you again Monday for another Memoir installment....

The Twelve Days After Christmas

....The first day after Christmas


My true love and I had a fight


And so I chopped the pear tree down


And burnt it, just for spite.


(Then with a single cartridge, I shot that blasted partridge)


My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.


~
The second day after Christmas


I pulled on the old rubber gloves


And very gently wrung the necks


Of both the turtle doves


My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.


~



On the third day after Christmas


My mother caught the croup


I had to use the three French hens


To make some chicken soup.
~
The four calling birds were a big mistake


For their language was obscene


The five golden rings were completely fake


And turned my fingers green.
~


The sixth day after Christmas


The six laying geese wouldn't lay


So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the


A.S.P.C.A.
~

On the seventh day, what a mess I found


The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned


(I think there's a "my true love gave to me" in here somewhere)
~

The eighth day after Christmas


Before they could suspect


I bundled up the Eight maids-a-milking


Nine ladies dancing


Ten lords-a-leaping


Eleven pipers piping


Twelve drummers drumming


(well, actually I kept one of the drummers)


And sent them back collect.
~

I wrote my true love "We are through, love!"


And I said in so many words


"Furthermore your Christmas gifts


were for the (Soprani) Birds!"


(Everyone else)


Four calling birds, Three french hens, Two turtle doves


And a partridge in a pear tree!"





Thursday, December 24, 2009

A Ghetto Christmas

From my hood to yours (before you get all up in your feelings no offense is intended. My kids at work thought it was crispy so up it went)...


'Twas da night befo' Christmas & all in the hood,


Not a homie was stirrin cuz it was all good.


The tube socks was hung on the window sill,


And we all had smiles up on our grill.


Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib,


In the back bedroom, cuz that's how we live.


And Moms in her do-rag and me with my nine,


Had just gotten busy cuz my girlfriend is fine.


All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by,


Bumpin' phat beats cuz the system be fly.


I bounced to the window at a quarter pas',


'Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's ass!


I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this!


She said, Stop frontin' & just mind yo' bidness.


I said, for real doe, come check dis out.


We weren't even buggin', no worries, no doubt.


Cuz bumpin' an thumpin' from around da way,


Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh.


Da beats was kickin', da ride was phat,


I said, "Yo red Dawg, you all that!"


He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz,


"Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise!"


To the top of the projects & across the strip mall,


We gots ta go, I got a booty call!"


He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof,


And sippin' on a 40, he busted a move.


I yelled up to Santa, "Yo ain't got no stack!"


He said, "Damn homie, deese projects is wack!




But don't worry black, cuz I gots da skillz,


I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz."


Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings,


A credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin.




He slid down the fire exscape smoove as a cat,


And busted the window wit' a b-ball bat.


I said, "Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?"


He said, "You best get on up out my face!"




His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold,


His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old.


He dropped down the duffle, Clippers logo on the side.


Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide.


A wink of his eye and a shine off his gold toof,


He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof.


He jumped in his hooptie wit' rims made of chrome,


To tap that booty waitin' at home.


And all I heard as he cruised outta sight,


Was a loud and hearty.....


"WEEESST SIIIIDE!!!!!!"

....the author's name was not published along with this parody but I found it HERE....just trying to give credit where credit is due...




Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Fair Game:Kissing, Hunting and a Whore

Every moment is fair game for blogging, right?! I mean, if we can’t laugh at other people’s our own expense, then what good it is to get out of bed each day?

Moments of late that I’ve found to be most amusing.

AquaNet Whore:
…while getting my hair cut and highlighted this weekend, I was speaking with my wonderful stylist, Lisa. We were discussing the pros and cons of hair products. We concurred that hairspray is evil and more often than not people need to step away from the can. Lisa went on to share….”I don’t use it unless I absolutely have to. I hate it when my hair doesn’t move. And have you seen those women who use so much flies get stuck in their hair?

Me: “Ahh...yes, you're referring to the AquaNet Whore syndrome”



**Crickets**
Lisa: “So, my brother’s girlfriend is one of those. I tried to give her some helpful pointers and stuff but talking with her is very difficult.”

Me: “ummm….difficult how? As in she speaks another language?”

Lisa: “I don’t think so. I just know that after 10 minutes of trying to talk to her I’m so confused I have to walk away.”

Me: “I completely understand.”

Kissing Coach:
Coach: “Daffy you don’t have to leave just because your student isn’t here. You could hang out with me. I haven’t been able to flirt with you in a long time.”

D: “Thanks but I really have some paperwork blogging I need to finish in my office.”

Coach: “But I was planning on using you in a demonstration today. We’re talking about First Aid and I was expecting it to be you tickling my mustache with mouth to mouth.”

D: “Coach, I hope you’re right with Jesus because if it comes to that I’m just gonna let you go.”

Coach: “That’s cold! What if I pull out the mistletoe?”

D: “You better not be pulling out anything. I’m pretty sure there are laws against that.”

Coach: …laughing….”Alright. It’s not really mistletoe. It’s a leaf that fell off the tree in my yard. I think it still has the acorn attached.”


A Hunting We Will Go:
Daffy to Hubs…”Can we change the channel please? I don’t know that it’s a good idea for Girl to be watching this.”

Hubs: “Why? They’re just hunting Coyotes. It isn’t any different than watching deer or turkey.”

D: “But they look like dogs. I don’t want her getting the wrong idea.”

Hubs: …sighing as though it takes great patience…”They are wild dogs and they kill farm animals. Look, she’s playing with her toys. Besides, I really don’t think she understands what’s happening….”

…at which point Girl raises her hand, points at the television and says BOOM then resumes playing with her Little People’s Farm.

aaaaannd cue horrified mother....



Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Monday, December 21, 2009

Memoir Monday - Where's The Bathroom?

It's Memoir Monday as started by Travis at I Like To Fish. Since we know this new phenomenon is spreading like crabs through a high school football team, lets join the fun.
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While I was in college studying to become an Interpreter, I worked for a major airline (now defunct but it was an icon of its time). One of the perks is very cheap airfare if you’re willing to fly on stand-by; very fair trade off for the ability to book your own ticket with as little as an hour’s notice. Especially when you’re 20 years old!

On a Friday-eve with nothing but a boring weekend in my tiny apartment in front of my cableless 19 inch TV, I had not a thing to look forward to other than my evening run with the dog which involved tactical maneuvers of FBI proportions for avoiding Chester The Molester’s apartment building. I swear that guy had every piece of spy equipment he could get his hands on! Even the restraining order didn’t get rid of him entirely. So when my awesome pal Ben called, I jumped on the chance to join him in Minneapolis for the weekend. His employer was having a company party and he needed a sidekick. The ex girlfriend was going to be there. I so love revenge….

 A quick dash home, toss together a small carry-on and back to the airport I went. Seems I forgot only one tiny thing – to pee. I have a phobia of airplane bathrooms. I think the correct term for this is Milehighairbornedefecationitsobia. No matter…it’s a relatively short flight not to mention I scored a seat in First Class.

As the minutes ticked by and the air pressure changed along with altitude, the constant ups and downs were significantly and negatively affecting my bladder issue. I tried reading. I tried working. I tried sleeping. I tried to snag a few minutes on the PA system. I’ve always wanted to try my skill at stand up comedy. What better place to practice on a captive audience? Nothing worked…with the ingenious tendency youth affords I thought it remarkably smart to drink water. Somehow, the act of drinking parlayed the physiological communication screaming BLADDER FULL MUST VOID, DUMBASS.

I think I stood at the galley entrance for the entire descent to be sure I was the first off the plane in hopes of finding a bathroom just outside the arrival gate. Doing the potty dance while hurtling through the air at 49873626 miles per hour is no small feat people!


We land. I deplane. Locate bathroom. One track mind. I’m tenacious like that.

As I’m rushing through the door with eyes only for the first open stall, I find myself wedged in the doorway with another woman on the same quest. Yes. Just like the movies..sigh... Both struggling to free herself in order to be first into the bathroom. Finally wiggling free, the bitchwhore woman pushes me out of her way. While resisting the urge to drag her backwards by her hair, I notice every stall is full. She is now the head of the line. I.AM.SECOND.

My bladder does not understand this concept. It only knows MUST. PEE. NOW. With as much politeness as I can muster, I sweetly ask the woman if I may please go before her as I’ve just gotten off a 6 hour flight where the on-board lavatory was out of order (total lie but I’m so effin’ desperate I’m dancing as I spin my tale). With cold calculating eyes and hardness in her voice that only fridged ice coursing through her veins could produce she says, ‘NO’.

“Look lady! I don’t think you understand how badly I have to go. I could quite possibly pee on your shoes before the next stall even opens up. If the trash can weren’t built into the wall I’d be hovering over it as we speak.”

“NO!” she says with an I dare you look in her eye.

So I did it.

Yes.

I did.

I peed on her shoes. Right then and there and let me tell you! It was the best damn decision I have ever made. The look on her face was so priceless I would’ve done it again if I’d had anything left in me. Fortunately I was wearing a skirt and had all my clothes and whatnot in my bag for the weekend. It was just a short trip afterall. When a stall opened up, I enthusiastically announced NEXT, grabbed a papertowel, wiped my leg and pranced out of the bathroom (because I am SO classy like that).

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Cha-Ching

Cha-Ching - It's Awards Time. You might want to buy a lottery ticket...I've gotten this post out in a timely manner! AND didn't lose my list in the process. Can I get a WHOOT WHOOT?!?

Despite my best efforts to quell the rumor, at least two of blogland’s fairest think I am sweet (at least when I leave comments…some of you get my skid marks –Ed- but there are some with whom I play nice). On the same day I was bestowed the honor of the Happy 101; Sweet Friends Award

From both Samantha at the Ruby Turtle and Kate at Busted Plumbing (who is now pimping herself – free shit when she hits 125 followers- FYI). Thank you both from the heart of my bottom –which seems to grow if I just dream about food. So I’m going to close my eyes when this sweet confection-y award rolls through my display case, lest I gain the Freshman forty some 12 years after before I even go to college. This award comes with rules which I am going to follow in accordance with the guidelines as to remain on Santa’s Nice list. You will find my compliance at the end of the post, with the exception of to whom I am passing this along. The rules require 10….and 10 it is.... (to my regulars who aren't on the list...I tried to go with some of my newer commentors...you know I LURV YOUS ALL and if you're not on this list you were most likely on the  previous award post . So go back and check it here)


1. 3!Charm

2. Mrs.Blogsalot

3. Midlife Mommy

4. Nancy Campbell -Away We Go

5. Heather Lynn - Random Thoughts of a Restless Mind

6. Amber's Life

7. Everyday in Gray

8. Kelly's Home

9. Hillbilly Duhn

10. Joshua - The Technical Parent

Also this week I’ve received the Honest Scrap award from Quixotic Life. She’s a fun find that hails from down yonder…like the south side of the pond Aussie style…kind of down yonder. I love this award if for no other reason than when spoken aloud it sounds like HONEST CRAP. And if my crap aint nothing, its at least honest! I’m sort of following the rules on this one...see my honest crap at the end of the post.



One more award to pass along and then you will learn all about what makes me happy and some more honest crap! Please put a lid on your excitement for just one more minute. K? Thx.  So a few weeks ago I did a nice big awards post with a *fab* (if I may say so myself) award that I created myself. The next two most defintely deserve this award and so I'm pulling it out again (TWSS). It's the Bloggers with Attitude award.

I would like for Quixotic Life and ScoMan to both grab this one up and throw out some 'tude peeps! This one comes with no rules other than you adore me for evah!  Capisce?!

Now for the rule following....Happy 101:  list 10 things that make you happy, try to do at least one of them today, and link back to the person that tagged you. Then tag 10 other bloggers that brighten your day (Done and Done).
Happy Happy Joy Joy
1. My daughter -period and Hub's laughter (don't worry they aren't all mushy. Just wanted to get that one out of the way).
2. Having the time to blog - I LOVE being in Blogland. It's one of my most favorite places to go (aside from my 'happy place')
3. Sunshine makes me happy (insert James Taylor music here)....my freckles and paranoia of skin cancer are proof positive
4. Daily bowel movements (if you've never been constipated you probably won't understand this)
5. Having the time to be domestic
6. Peppermint coffee
7. Kick ass snarky witty comments (or just comments in general...makes my phone vibrate! Mmmm, yes!)
8. My BlackBerry chat group...their mobile humor propells me through my day! MUAH y'all!
9. Listening to good music
10. Retaining my title as the Coupon Queen

Honest Scrap: 10 Honest things about me
1. I glance at my poop when I'm done (shutyerpiehole! You know you do it too) Sometimes, if it is of a certain size I say outloud "Dude" and feel a sense of pride
2. I stand up to wipe and abhor public bathrooms!
3. Being able to bang gears in a fast car thrills me (gears is hub's nickname...Just kidding!)
4. Grew up around grease monkies, married a grease monkey and secretly wish I could pull off the Rockabilly look. I totally love old cars and the 50's.
5. I'm bilingual...and I'll try just about anything once.
6. I once dated a married man.... I just didn't know he was married until HIS MOTHER called me and left 40 nasty NASTY messages on my cell phone. 
7. I'm constantly warring with the inner Tom Boy and Girlie Girl in me. One minute I'm high fiving myself and rating my bleches and the next I'm oohing over super cute shoes and thinking "shoulders back, chin up, chest out....bend at the knee...."
8. I'm disgustingly sentimental
9. I've reach neurosis and excelled beyond when it comes to taking photographs
10. I would truely mourn the loss of my BlackBerry

Friday, December 18, 2009

CONVOS FROM THE HOOD IV


There is rarely a dull moment when one works in an inner city high school. I'm fortunate that I don't feel the need for a flak jacket and Rambo to provide some 'cover' while I sprint from my car, HK 9mm in hand, to the school building.
----------------------------------------

…discussion on grades
R: hey K, what did you get?
K: uh, B I think
R: that sucks…crappy ass grade
K: No its not!
R: yup! Only winners get A’s
K: B is still a good grade. It’s the second letter in the alphabet…after A…so that means its good.
--------------------------------------------
CL: I don’t care what they say about me. I read my Bible…I pray… I love the Lord they can say I’m going to hell all they want. Guess I’ll see them when I get there!

GG: you read your Bible?

CL: Yes. Don’t you?

GG: no…it has too many words. I don’t read anything. I just watch TV

CL: See! That’s whats wrong with youth of America! They watch too much BET, MTV, VH1…I mean…how can you read Twilight but not the Bible? Twilight is a bigger book anyway!
-------------------------------------------
Discussion with coworkers
Daffy: I think we should bring in a mixologist for our next Staff Development

Woman 1 and Man: simultaneously: What’s that?

D: A bartender (mentally rolling eyes)

Man: If *Pat acts the way she does sober can you imagine her drunk?

D: maybe it would snap her back to semi-normal

Woman: Semi-normal?

D: I think she’s a cross dresser. Maybe a little gender confused. (I said this sarcastically. *Pat is a very hateful nasty woman of whom I harbor no charitable thoughts.)

Man: She’s married with a husband and kids.

D: maybe she’s a hermaphrodite.

Woman: What’s that?

D: She’s got the wedding tackle for both genders…

Man: If I was a hermawhatever I’d never leave the house
*name changed even though her real name is also as androgynous as Pat

For more Convos From The Hood...and my most favorite one click here
UPDATE**** A must read Holiday Rules for Eating post over at Dual Mom click here
And ‘Tis the season for Christmas decorations…..
I’m totally doing this at my house next year I don't care what the homes association says!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

TMI Thursday: Jose Cuervo and Cookies

It's that beautiful day of the week again where Lilu forces her loyal subjects to drink the Koolaid...okay...maybe not FORCE but if you want to be one of the cool kids then you do it OR ELSE. For more humiliating junk and why is that funny? stories - visit her here for TMI Thursday.

As I sat down to type out my TMI Thursday post I found my mind frighteningly blank. I won’t regale you with tales of sleep deprivation other than to assure you it is a very valid form of torture with which to break down all cognitive functions of your prisoner. I have funny shit. I do. I just can’t remember any of it right now. My brain has taken itself and 30 years worth of memories and is currently vacationing in Mexico; although I have no Earthly idea why it has chosen Mexico. Everyone knows that Tequila is water there.

Order ice water? Tequila

Brushing your teeth? Tequila

Taking a piss? PURE TEQUILA

Why might this be an issue? I can’t even smell tequila without puking my innerds up, passing out and face planting stone cold drunk with just one whiff. I can’t handle it. Tequila and I have a short but violent history. We do not tolerate each other well (beeoch!).

I should use that story for my post. Would help if I could remember it all….not just the fuzzy, sort-of in focus parts. I can tell you that it was Cinco De Mayo some 9 years ago or so….I had a party….there was a lot of beer.

I don’t drink beer.

Unless its as a chaser to Tequila shots. Mind you it was very very VERY cheap Tequila.

Someone lost a shoe (not me, it was my house) that I found 6 months later on the top shelf of a closet in a guest bedroom that never got used. No clue how it got there. It was a man’s shoe….size 12….not like it would’ve fit me – even if I subscribed to the way of cross-dressing.

I know I wasn’t the only one deeply affected by the cheap Tequila. In one of my more lucid moments I do remember finding an acquaintance sitting on the floor of the kitchen eating gourmet cookies….from a DOG BAKERY. No. They don’t bake dogs there, but high end doggie treats that look just like the real cookies. I told him they weren’t real cookies. He didn’t care. He was hungry – I was pissed! Those things were expensive and I didn’t like this guy enough to serve him even dog treats.

Yup. That’s the total sum of what I remember from that party. Tequila and I had a few more run-ins…ugly ones…involving karaoke bars and spinach dip and car puking….we won’t go there (mostly because ‘there’ is a gaping black hole). So I leave you with this:




Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

1 cup of water

1 tsp baking soda

1 cup of sugar

1 tsp salt

1 cup or brown sugar

4 large eggs

1 cup nuts

2 cups of dried fruit

1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl,

check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,

pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter

in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this toint

it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try asnother

cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup

of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry

it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves

a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon shuice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you gan

find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall

over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the

Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

Cherry Mistmas !


Q&A, Some Chattering and Banned Boobies

Just incase you ever pondered…. I have the answers….
(guys, if you'd like to skip right to the boobies, you'll find those at the bottom of the post. You're welcome)

1. Why do men become smarter during sex?
Because they are plugged into a genius

2. Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock


3. Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
It helps them remember which end to wipe…

In case the follow Convos bomb, at least I will have been good for at lease one small chuckle…

Anyshits and giggles I give you Convos from the Couch II:

H: Who gives a shit that Chelsea Clinton got engaged?
D: *shrugging*
H: No, really! Who is she? Some ex-President’s daughter? Did they televise it when she got her effin period? (he didn’t say effin but the Italian equivalent and I haven’t a clue how to spell it)
D: *laughing*
H: Like THAT’s news worthy. Who (Italian word here) cares!
------------------------------
H: Daf, come look at Girl….
She’s chattering away on his cellphone
D: I know…isn’t it cute? She wants to be just like you!
Girl is now playing back the conversation Hubs and I just had.
H: What did she do? Record us?
D: laughing along with Girl
H: That phone can record stuff? She’s 15 mos old and can work the phone better than me….
D: She can also better work the remote…what?!....justsayin….
--------------------------------
H: You’ll never believe what happened today!
D: You’re probably right
--------------------------------
H: (while watching the Outdoor channel)…It’s amazing that such a high pitch noise comes from such a large animal…
D: heh…are you referring to my singing again?
H:….eyeroll……..headshake…..Seriously, would you shoot a Moose?
D: Now I’m a Moose?
H: No! …I give up!
for more Outdoor Channel Convos click Here

And now for the BOOBIES....according to a recent email the following mother and daughter duo have been banned from Disney Land....FOR. LIFE. A tragedy I know.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Good News and Bad News

Well, there is good news and bad news about my Christmas decorations.
The good news is that I truly outdid myself this year. The bad news is that I had to take them down after only two days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down. First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by. Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the ladder and almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). She was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard. I think I made him too real this time . But it was fun while it lasted.
~Merry Christmas Y'all

**PS: this is not really my home BTW

Friday, December 11, 2009

CONVOS FROM THE HOOD III

****DISCLAIMER: the youtube video at the end of the post contains foul language. It is the Hustlin skit by commedian Katt Williams....if you THINK you might be offended please don't watch it. If you're at work and your boss is within earshot, you MIGHT want to wait until he/she walks away. You've been warned so please don't unfollow because you were offended....justsayin....


CONVOS FROM THE HOOD (brought you by the class of 2010)
K: eating a blue Blowpop
D: You look like you ate a Smurf
K: What?! I didn't have any alcohol at lunch
-------------------


During a heated Twilight Debate
Boy: I'm immoral
Girl: You mean immortal?
Boy: No immoral -nothings gonna get me
Girl :*rolls eyes* Whatever
---------------------
Boy: I think I've done a pretty good job of not getting a girl pregnant in the last 16 years. I'm too busy to add useless thing to what I do everyday.
Girl: Ooooookkaaay rolling eyes Good For You!
Boy: My momma wants me to be in debate AND robotics team
Girl: That takes a lot of time...
Boy: but not for me. Not when you're as good as I am.
(is this as funny you anyone else as it is to me? No time for sex because he's building robots?"
------------------------
Overheard while a group of girls passed around a cell phone to share some picture. I didn't want to know so I didn't ask to see it.
G1: Why would you have someone else's feet all up in your fur like that?
G2: Was your mom really a porn star?
G1: You can give me green, I'll strip for you (as she bumps the nearest face)
------------------------
Duckalicious and a coworker:
D: raises hand as though to slap a noggin...
Coworker: You think your pimp hand is strong?
D: I'm gonna Jack Slap you!
Coworker: Jack Slap? (in a condescending tone)
D: Yes. We're past Bitch Slapping and moving right along down the alphabet now....
--------------------
Group of students discussing weed...this is the truncated version as the class was 90 minutes long
"My auntie has a prescription for weed. From her doctor."
"If they just taxed that shit then everyone could get it and it wouldn't be such a big deal"
"There are lots of different kinds of weed....medicine weed, expensive dealer weed, black weed...and then just weed weed."
"What's black weed?"
about 5 minutes of just laughing and high- fiveing betweeen the participants
"Remember that white boy Noah? The one that graduated last year?
"No"
"Yes you do. He was THE MAN. You know, the expert? Dude knew everything there was to know about weed...he even taught us how to make a bong from a kazoo."
"Kazoo?"
"You know that thing proceeds to deomstrate playing a kazoo...sound effects and all..."
"Oooohhhh, yeah.....do have his cell?"
---------------------------------
For more CONVOS FROM THE HOOD click
Here or Here which you might want to do if you find potty mouth humor offensive or if you were born without a funny bone....justsayin....

Thursday, December 10, 2009

TMI Thursday - Sleeping With The Dogs

It's Baaaaaack! I've taken a short break from the TMI Thursday posts as life has been busy and tame/lame lately. I think you'll like this week's sharing. It is from the past but still worthy of "Why the hell would you TELL people about that" (according to hubs anyway). Check out Lilu site for links to more eye rolling, forehead thumping, WTF? moments...


At some point in recent adulthood I was in the throws of a medically induced menopause. Anyone who knows anything of this physiological hell knows that hot flashes are a staple. Can’t march in the menopause parade without sportin swamp ass, crotch rot and/or the sweat stank.

For me, rarely a night went by that I didn’t rise at lease once to ring out my pj’s and change into a dry set. Hubs slept with a stocking cap, winter parka and three layers of clothes to ward off the chill. I set the AC to 50 degrees. Night time was the worst for me.

We also had a 90 lb Doberman who slept between us. She had her own pillow and always slept beneath the covers usually with her feet digging into my back (which was a total bitch when she dreamed she was chasing rabbits). She was our baby before we had a baby. She added to the heat exacerbating my already blazing personal summer.

In the small hour of 2am, I awoke feeling exceptionally soggy. I climbed from bed while peeling the legs of my pj’s away from me with an audible ‘sqwellurp’. I’d been sweat laden before but never to the point of dripping as though I just climbed from a bath while fully clothed.

I examined the bed.

Sopping.

I nudged hubs (more like a hammer to the knee cap as he was so thickly layered up) figuring I’d roll him enough to change the sheets.

He was squishy too. OH. MY. GOD

I threw the switch shocking the room with light. Hubs glared at me through one half-opened eye slit. The dog farted and rolled over.

At 13, our Dobe was starting to experience incontinence issues. Based on the volume rung from my pj’s alone, you’d think she hadn’t pissed in 4 effin years.

WTF!

It still causes me to shudder when thinking about being so thoroughly soaked in dog urine.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

AWWW SHIT

Quite some time ago (like a couple of months) I guest posted on Speaking From The Crib. I did not post on my blog that day but rather directed any traffic that way, so many of you may not have seen that post (which I'm hoping since I'm reusing part of it).

 
Saturday's award post here at BCC recounted an Oh Shit! moment in my recent life happenings. If you didn't see it, I'll share again. Its one of the more 'retelling' worthy moments in that my brain malfunctioned to astronomical proportions. You see, instead of giving an injection of insulin to my diabetic dog as she ate, I shot myself. Only after tossing the needle did my brain finally pick up on the "OH SHIT" moment.

 
I know those of you who did read it wondered (aloud) if I could have truly done something so stupid.
Yes
I did.
I am diabetic myself which possessing that knowledge may allow you to find the story more believable. It did in fact happen.

 
So on with today's topic...Things That Make You Say Awwww SHIT!

 
*Arriving to work and realizing you forgot to put on underwear (which wouldn’t really be that big of a deal except…. YOU’RE WEARING A SKIRT)

*Realizing you forgot to take your allergy medicine but took a double dose of FiberCon (so now your nose AND your ass is gonna run all day. You can read the full story HERE)

*Getting pulled over doing 65 in a 45 only to find that the cop is someone you used to date and feeling the uncontrollable urge (which you give into) to say “still compensating for your shortcomings?” as he gives you the ticket.

*Grabbing a QTip off the bathroom counter to clean left over smudges of mascara (which is really batcrap) from under your eyes only to discover as you wet the tip on your tongue that you’ve already used that QTip – to clean your ears!

*Trying your hand at target shooting with your husband's bow, entirely missing the 4ft by 4ft target that’s 20 feet away but managing to zing said arrow through the center of the catdoor flap (which is like 12in by 12in) on the shed (some 45 feet away) and hearing a distinct screeach. Oh yeah...the cat isn't yours but belongs to your 7 year old neice who is now screaching herself.

*Letting yourself go to the point where hubs is threatening to molest your top lip with duct tape in the wee hours of the night if you DON’T DO SOMETHING WITH THAT YA SASSQUATCH!

*Eating three fourths of your apple before you notice the teeny tiny itty bitty little square of the produce sitcker still clinging to the last bite.

*Sending a CHRISTMAS card to your JEWISH friend AND spelling her name wrong

*Removing your contacts before bed, crossing the room and bending down to pet the dog before climbing in bed only to discover the 'dog' is a pile of brown socks. Yes...there were witnesses...

*And finally, getting a sneak peak at Santa in the summer season...Happy Holidays!