Friday, October 30, 2009

None of that 'Sis'-sy Stuff

I've been of a mind to actually participate in one of those MEME things. I don't do facebook so it took me like three months of blogging to figure out what the hell that meant. I'm still not completely sure. I kept sticking the idea on the bottom of my TO POST pile until one day this week. I was chatting with a blog buddy (whom shall remain a nameless fisherman) who for some reason thought I was 40. WTF?

I quickly regurgitated the idea of 'sharing'. I have no idea what you would want to know. Suggestions? Is it like filling out a profile for MATCH.COM? Do I tell you my hobbies and that I like sunsets? Or do you wanna know my bra size and the worst thing I've ever done? Why doncha help a gal out and give me some questions to answer? Kinda like the Random Moment Samples thing only totally different. Got it? Ok. Swell...lets move on...

Oh, one more thing. Somehow I found myself reading some little blurb about learning your fairy name. In honor of a most favorite holiday tomorrow I give you my unquie fairyname:
 Fire Elffly

She is a cheerful sprite.
She lives where fireflies mate and breed.
She is only seen at midday under a quiet, cloudless sky.

Her dresses glow with fiery colours. She has delicate green wings like a cicada.

Uhhh...yup...that's me....baking in the sun, hanging out watching others have sex because I myself look like a flippin' bug that burrows into the ground during winter. But hey, I'm cheerful!  If you'd like to learn what your very unique fairie name is please click here.  Think its stoopid? Yeah, well...we're moving on now...

...the following is an email I received from my cousin - we are two peas in a pod. She's my other half - fo real! Its a damn good thing we grew up in different states because if we hadn't I'd probably be blogging from behind some bars or at least from a halfway house or the witness protection program. Yeah...its like that.....

So to all my BBFF and yet to be BBFF's......
Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of True Friendship. You WON'T see cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad, I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!

2. When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile, I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you're scared, we will high tail it out of here.

5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you
quit whining, ya big baby!!!!

6. When you are confused, I will use little words.

7. When you are sick, Stay away from me until you are well again.. I don't want whatever you have...

8. When you fall, I'll pick you up and dust you off-- After I laugh my ass off!!

9. This is my oath...
I pledge it to the end.
'Why?' you may ask;
-- because you are my FRIEND!

***********************

Friendship is like peeing your pants,

everyone can see it,

but only YOU

can feel the

true warmth...


That's Real!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

TMI THURSDAY - RED HEADED SLUT -SISTA GUEST POST


...from LiLu ***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!


First I would like to thank Daffy for asking me to guest post! She really has a great blog that keeps me laughing all the time. (of course I am mostly laughing at myself)





Let me set the scene: It’s a bar and I am sitting next to my friend there are tons of seats avab. all around the bar. A man who looks and smells like he has not bathe in weeks and is missing most of if not all of his teeth approaches, he slides into the seat sloshing his drink on the bar. He then turns to me and asks, (here is how the conversation played out)



Man: “So what do you think of algebra?”

Doing a mental head shake and thinking WTF,

Me: It’s mathematical!

He then proceeds to tell me about his job and at this point I turn away stop listening and start thinking is that his pick-up line? Seriously someone needs to call Dr. Phil on this man who obviously needs help! He catches my attention when he asks

Man: Where do you live?

Me: Russia

Man: What?

Me: I am a Russian Mail Order Bride.

Man: NO WAY! (Rubbing his face as if he was thinking real hard)

Man: That’s so something I need!

Me: So what’s your name?

Man: Peter

Peter: Do you have any friends over there that you could send my way?

Me: I had to cut all ties with Russia when I left.

Peter: Is that why you don’t sound Russian?

Me: Yes! My husband made me leave my accent back home.

Peter: Ohhhhh

Peter: So how do you like being a librarian?

Me: Why would you say that?

Peter: Because you wear glasses.

Me: I don’t know what that is?

Peter: You don’t know what a library is? You know that place with books.

Me: We don’t have anything like that in Russia.

Peter: Really? No books?

Me: No, I am not sure what a book is?

Peter: WOW! Let me buy you a drink!

Me: Only if you buy my friend one too!

Peter: Ok, what you drinkn’

Me: Red headed slut

Peter: Is that what you are drinking or is that what you are?

At this point my friend turns to hear this and asks:

Friend: Is that your penis or you just have a roll of dimes in your pocket?

Peter: (whispers to me) I don’t think she likes me!

Me: I don’t think anyone likes you! You gotta girl?

Peter: Yeah, she lives in PA
Me: Isn’t a long distance relationship hard?

Peter: Yeah, but we get conjugal visits!

Me laughing uncontrollably at this point looks up to see the bar tender that has been listening in and is bring our drinks over, she tells me that was the best conversation she has heard in all her years bartending. The drink is on the house! Hell ya!

Several months later, I visited the same bar, walked in and was greeted by the bar tender and the owner, both looking at me saying, “So, what do you think of algebra?” I guess Peter and I will go down in history at that bar!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

CONVOS FROM THE HOOD


Today I bring you
Convos From The Hood.
There is rarely a dull moment when one works in an inner city high school. I'm fortunate that I don't feel the need for a flak jacket and Rambo to provide some 'cover' while I sprint from my car, HK 9mm in hand, to the school building. This convo took place last Friday which was the last day of the first grading quarter in our district. For most classes it was a 'catch up day'. This particular senior level class finds most students on top of their assignments so we had some goof around time....




Marcus to Daffy: "...you know, you just gotta leave yo man. You should tell him at dinner tonight."

D: *laughing* Marcus, doll, you couldn’t afford me. But thanks *big grin*

M: Well…(glancing at my hand…) I couldn’t afford that ring you gots but you can bring it wit chew. I got a job. I can take you to the best thrift stores in town.

D: …falling off chair laughing…seriously…tears streaming down face….

M: Seriously! I have a house and everything!

D: I don’t want to live with your parents Marcus. Living with the inlaws? FAIL!

M: No, its MY house…..(I raise my eyebrows)….I just share it with my mom and dad.

D: Right, like I said – I don’t do living with the folks.

M: It all good – they work the night shift.

D: more laughing…a little snorting…cough….bwwahhaaaaaa

M: For real! I got a car too.

D: Really? (…Marcus says…mmmhmmmm….) What kind?

M: Uh…..Mercedes! (D- raises eyebrows)…an S500! No, wait, its an SL500.

D: Oh, so you can drive a stick? (M shaking his head…yup) Is it a 5 speed?

M: mmm…no….10 speed

D: ***snorting*** So it’s the kind you peddle?

M: …smiling….but you should see the seat on it! That shiz is PLUSH!


…few minutes later….
M: Hey Ms. Daffy, you been thinking about it? What are you doing? Writing all this down?

D: yes and blogland will love it Uh, just making some notes to get it all right when I talk with my man at dinner, ya know?


**********Bell Ringing*****************


M: Seriously, Ms. Daffy....talk to him *winks at me*

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Random Moment Samplings II

Today is the second installment of Random Moment Samplings. To check out the first click here. A big THANKS to those who gave me exact times and dates. If you don't see yours listed here, it's because it hasn't happened yet, DUH! As with last week, feel free to toss out an exact time and date for a RMS in the comments for this post. Note that my day starts at 4:30am (except for days like today when I've been up since 2:30am....the joys of parenting....) so feel free to give me early morning times as well!

I'm also still taking definition suggestions (text or pictures) for the word ASSHAT. Don't let me down blogland. I've already gotten a couple of grrrrreat ones! But I want YOURS too!

Random Moment Samplings II



8:32am October 22, 2009
…sitting in the interpreter’s office discussing recent experiences from class. At this particular moment a story from Sex Ed/Health class was being shared.

“….so about half way through the teacher’s schpeal on what is considered sexual harassment, L gets up and goes to the window. Opens it. And yells down to the parking lot below: HEY BITCH! YOU GOTTA FAT ASS…” interpreter telling story laughs and says, “I don’t think the teacher was very effective with that lesson.”

3:30pm October 23, 2009- via text with SISTA
SISTA: Girl will need milk and diapers next week

D: Ok thx for letting me know

SISTA: Sure No Prob Mon

D: puff puff pass….I shot the sheriff….Don’t Worry Be Happy

SISTA: …puff the magic draaaaagon….

                                                       3:45 October 24, 2009-

Hubs: …all this week on the radio show in the morning, the DJ has been trying to get this broad a job at some Ranch – you know, for sex.

Daffy: The Fantasy Ranch?

Hubs: No, in Vegas

Daffy: Oh, so it’s a brothel?

Hubs: I guess. The husband of this woman wants her to do it because they need the money. What’s wrong with people?

Daffy: Is she like smokin’ hot or something?

Hubs: How should I know? I can’t see through the radio.

Daffy: You can’t?


                                                                    7:15 pm October 24, 2009-

D: I want to be one of those when I grow up
H: One of what?
D: A Wrestling Ring Girl: standing up to demonstrate, chest pushed out, pouty lips, hip cocked out – holding pretend sign
D:…prancing around…This is how they do it, right?

H: (smiling) I wouldn’t know. I don’t like wrestling

D: Oh (I sit back down)

…its important to let you know that at this point I was wearing baggy sweatpants rolled at the waist because they were too big. A black shirt with a snot crusted shoulder and a sticky handprint on the left boob from Girl. I’m sure I really looked the part


6:47pm October 26, 2009
….Girl and I are having a screaming contest while I get her ready for bed –it makes her giggle to hear me scream and I’m a sucker for anything that makes her giggle

H: (from another room) GIRL! STOP SCREAMING


D to Girl: ooops! Sorry I got you in trouble

….we both giggle and scream some more…


***UPDATE*** I just realized I had several more RMS that should've gone into this post. Somehow they didn't make it. I'll add them to next week's RMS. Be sure to throw your RMS times & dates in the comments section!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Memoir Monday - I Wanna Pet It!

PhotobucketIt's Memoir Monday as started by Travis at I Like To Fish. Since we know this new phenomenon is spreading like crabs through a high school football team, lets join the fun...

(as displayed on Travis' blog: Hey guys! It's Memoir Monday! Everyone should know what to do, just steal my little button code down there, then paste it onto the Edit HTML section on your post. Type up a memoir, spank yourself a little, and call it a win! The only rule? It must be true. So go on! Get you some!)
***********************************************************

We started with pet gold fish, my sister and I. Hers Walter Sunshine, mine Abraham… they lived in separate bowls but on the same countertop. We loved them, we watched them, we fed them. Mom changed their water. One day while providing fresh water for these stellar pets, Abraham got dropped into the garbage disposal. Now, I don’t know all the details, I don’t think they were ever shared with me... I was young… young enough to be upset but not traumatized. I was old enough to play on mother’s guilt. SISTA totally rubbed it in that Walter Sunshine swam normally in his little suburbia bowl while Abraham, after being rescued (she hadn’t flipped the switch afterall) never again swished his tail fins and always slept either sideways or with his nose firmly pressed to the bottom of the bowl.

Two days later mom and dad came home with a brand new 10 gallon tank, all the bells and whistles of the fish world complete with a air bubble pirate’s chest that tumbled with bling. SISTA and I picked out the perfect spot in our room, bestowed names on all the new inhabitants and immediately started over feeding our new pets.

Fast forward one year.

Fish – BORING

Hampters – AWESOME

We really wanted a dog but that wasn’t going to happen. Each time we brought up the topic of a new pet we were reminded of the fish.

But we want something we can peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!

DAD: you can pet fish.

Nooooooooooo! The might bite our fingers.

Dad: don’t stick your hand in the tank. You can pet them when they die.

….and the seed was planted. Dad really wasn’t mean. You just have to understand his sense of humor. He always chortled when he said that.

SISTA and I began waiting for the Sunday papers each week to look through pet store ads. We clipped and cut and pasted and saved and created the most fantastic hamptser world on paper and furry rodent could ever hope for. We also stopped feeding the fish.

Eventually they began to eat one another.

One day there was not but a pile of bones on the bottom of the tank. Next to the treasure chest. We stood infront of the tank, mesmerized...

SISTA: They’re gone.

Daffy: Yep

SISTA:…smiles

Daffy: (high five) I’ll get the notebook


SISTA:daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad! Can we go to the pet store?

A short time later SISTA and I were the proud owners of the cutest little yellow hampster named Popcorn.

To Give and Receive

The awards started flying again over the weekend and I am proud to share that I received three. Two I already have but I'm actually going to play along this time and share 10 honest things about me and the other is new to me!

So we'll start with the new one. One of my most favorite blogs Hotflash Headaches and Hormones has bestowed The Silver Shoe of Scincerity award on BCC. Thanks a million and this shoe rocks! I would totally wear it, even if I had to hobble because I'm only wearing one!

I would like to pass this on to: 
                                         Running Away? I'll Help You Pack
                                                Erin at The Mother Load
                                                Crazybaby Mama




CHEERS!

The second award is the Honest Scrap Award. I'm humbled to see that others still think BCC is producing honest crap! Thanks a Million to two of my newest favs HeartsMakeFamilies and Chronicles of an Only Parent. Tami at HMF will warm you from the inside out and have you wishing you could just reach through the blogosphere and give her a giant hug. Always a good feeling from her blog.  That One Mom at COAOP rocks, from her post content to her purple hair! She's a great read that always speaks her mind and has me connecting with every key stroke. So thank you ladies! I am humbled!


I am passing this award on to (some of you may already have it):

Now....for my part in receiving this award.
10 Honest things about the great Duckalicious...
1. Being a Mom is the most awesome thing in the whole wide world! I actually liked being pregnant!
2. Jesus is my Homie
3. I love my profession -I've got mad skillz
4. *******************************this one has been edited due to recent hate mail. What did ya'll have some Haterade for breakfast?!? Sheesh! I said SOMETIMES and SQUEEZE......
5. I'm nurotic about brushing my teeth
6. I actually like being domestic - I could be a SAHM if we could afford it -and enjoy it!
7. I have an innie belly button (if you can find it) that rocked a navel ring until I got pregnant. I took it out because I kind of looked like a really bloated bull
8. I have a tattoo that everyone thinks is the Aerosmith logo -but isn't (and secretly would LOVE another one - but by an artist that knows what he's doing this time)
9. I'm obsessed with vacuuming
10. I'm an Insulin Dependent Diabetic

So there ya have it. One of these days I might do a meme so you can continue to learn life shattering, riveting, holy -canoli- are- you -serious things about me. For now, the above 10 will have to do. Thanks a million ya'll!

Friday, October 23, 2009

Converstation on the big M

A View on Marriage as expressed in a conversation with one of my students:

*********************************************************

K: I’m never getting married

Daffy: *chuckle* Why do you say that?

K: it’s too expensive

D: How do you figure?

K: you pay for the wedding and two months later you break up. Divorce is expensive

D: They probably shouldn't have gotten married in the first place.

K: I know! Like they only knew each other for a month and then got engaged. I mean, I would want to meet his family and stuff. I need to know if his family is right for me.

D: Uhh…sure…. I guess that makes sense (wish I had spent more time with his family so I knew I was entering the first ring of hell whose inhabitants are affectionately called INLAWS what would be in store)

K: I like dating. I’m just gonna date for ever.

D: that’s a good plan

K: I mean, I don’t want to just look at one person for the rest of my life! How do you do it? I mean how do you wake up looking at the same person E V E R Y D A Y?

D: *shrug* ummm...I open my eyes...(actually, that's the easy part...)

***CRICKETS****

...moving on.... 
K: I don’t want to be married to someone if he’s bad in bed.

D: that’s a good standard for marriage

K: I would probably get engaged and just stay that way. We can play like we's married then and it would be cheaper. Plus if I find someone later that I like better....*shrugs*

D: So… you really just want the ring?

K: *laughing* Yeah and some of my bills paid

D: *nodding* Good luck with that.

***Now some of you may think I'm horrible for the way I handled this conversation. Oh, if only you knew... I've learned while working with this particular student for the last 9 years that it is best to just go with the flow. She doesn't really care what I think....she just wants to chat. I could've explained a great deal to her, touted the positives and given wonderful examples. To her, I'm making things up. Sadly enough a life like mine just doesn't exist in her world. Go ahead....judge...I would challenge you to job shadow me for a week and we'll see if your perspective changes then.
 
TGIF YA'LL!
See Ya Monday Same Bat Time Same Bat Channel

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

RMS - Random Moment Samplings


October 18 2:36pm (taken through windshield so color effect is a bit diminished - sorry)

8:15pm October 20
Hubs: You still mad? The dishes are done.
Daffy: No, I’m not. Thank you. Oh, you may not want to brush your teeth tonight.
Hubs: Why?
Daffy: I used your toothbrush to clean the toilet yesterday.

6:35am October 20 -
Dear Jack FM – it really isn’t all that funny to turn the radio on and hear November Rain after I’ve just run through the parking lot in a deluge ruining my good hair day (which lasted a whole hour and a half), my shoes and soaking the cuffs of my pants. Besides, that song is waaaaaay to long and it’s still October. But, your Celebrity Crap made up for it. Thanks for being the crack to my habit! I couldn't make it without you...

3:15pm October 19
Hi Aunt Daffy, did you bring more muffins?
D:No honey, they are all gone.
But why? Can’t you bring more? Just get them out of the cabinet.
D: I made the ones I brought you yesterday. I didn’t buy them.
And they’re all gone? Boy, you must have been hungry!
D: You liked them did you Bubb?
(Nodding emphatically the way 5 year olds do)
D: Okay , I’ll make some more and bring them over.
Could you move? I can’t see Sponge Bob, you’re blocking the TV.
(note to self- eat fewer chocolate muffins...)

12:45pm October 19
 conversation overheard in Current Issues class, 12 grade –
M: yeah, I sucked it
R: you’re nasty
M: whatever – you know you want me to do you too
R: * giggling like a girl*
M: call me tonight
R: okay, I could just give you a ride home

8:15pm October 9
SISTA: don’t forget to put the signs up
Daffy: I won’t. It’s next on my to do list.
SISTA: Be sure to take something with you to pound them in. Do you have a hammer?
Daffy: Yeah, its on the nightstand.
SISTA: **snorting**
Daffy: What? WHAT? Tell me! I wanna laugh too
SISTA: You. Keep. A. Hammer. On. Your. Nightstand?
Daffy: Don’t you?

9:45am October 18-
 (Daffy in kitchen doing dishes, Girl playing in living room, Hubs…..wait for it…..WATCHING OUTDOOR CHANNEL)
HUBS: Daf – what’s she got in her mouth?
Daffy: Who?
HUBS: *sigh* Girl! What is it?
Daffy: Ummm….don’t know I can’t see her. I’m washing dishes (communicated through clenched teeth)
HUBS: Well, SEE WHAT IT IS!
(mental note: move hammer to kitchen counter. Buy a second hammer for kitchen)

6:15am October 15-
Aunt Daffy, you can buy me a marshmallow gun for Christmas if you want to. (spoken like a true 5 year old! And YES, he is getting one for Christmas. I had actually already decided that’s what I was getting him. SCORE one for the Aunt who knows her nephew!)

12:30pm October 13
 via text message:
We just finished lunch. Girl had an Oreo. I’m attaching a picture – I think she really enjoyed it.
Daffy replies: OH SHIT! You’re suppose to feed them?


***Bloggitos and Blogoritas, please feel free to leave random but specific dates and times that you would like to see what stupid craptasticness is happening in my life. You know I like it when ya'll participate - makes my phone vibrate in my pants my world go round...

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Nightstand Confessionals



Tampons and Chocolate did a post awhile back about items that can be found on a person's nightstand/bedside tables and what it may say about you. I’m not quite sure why its been on my mind again (except that I bust out laughing everytime I look at mine. What would my mother say?) but it must mean that I should write about it. So, this is a SHARING post. That means you, the reader, are to share what it is that you have on your nightstand so I don’t feel like such a freak.

If you’d like to play psychologist you are more than welcome to share with me what it is you think my nightstand says about me.
I will not be dispensing payment for your evaluations I may however be willing to exchange sexual favors.


What you will find on my nightstand (in no particular order):

Alarm Clock
Bible
Hammer
KY
Glasses (mine)
Socks (hubs)
Photographs of all three dogs


Now, please DO share... what would we find on your nightstand today? OR What do you, Dr. Freud, believe the contents of MY nightstand say about me... (please leave answers in the comments section below. If you feel so inclined to send a picture of yours - which I will post if you'd like - please do send to batcrapcrazyblog (at) gmail (dot) com).

RIP BCC Follower

...another one bites the dust

I'm not quite sure how I could alienate yet another follower with posts about NKTOB but I did. Unless it's just that yesterday's walk down memory lane was more like a limp after stubbing your toe on a bump in the sidewalk that didn't really exist in the first place (if you did that kind of thing - which obviously I don't....). I know it was lame. I'm learning though... some things are just funnier when you keep it all in the family. SISTA cackled at it - it only took her 15 years to get over the trauma of being trapped in the dark and all (whatever! she so played it. She has bat vision just like I do.)

So, I'm sorry you're gone - whoever you are. I tried to figure it out but on 3 hours of sleep I just couldn't. Lucky for you, otherwise I'd probably be stalking you right now. I'll try harder next time - not to stalk but post better material. That's a promise.

***UPDATE*** I figured out who you were Ms. I DON'T FOLLOW ANYMORE and I don't really mind. You weren't funny either. SO THERE! And really, like Ed said...He's an Asshat so BCC has all it needs. Thanks Guys - you rock!

Monday, October 19, 2009

Memoir Monday - BSlapped by New Kids On The Block

***a quick side note -all my fellow FEMALE bloggers, be sure to click the link at the end of this post and yeah, you can thank me later. :O)

In a quest for blog material I’ve been rifling through a box of old journals. I guess my lack of self esteem is telling me that I really don’t have material that people will be interested in right now. So I’ve been going through journals for back up material incase I have a total brain dead day (which happens more often than I care to admit. I guess it should be expected since I had to leave eleventyninety billion brain cells with the hospital as a down payment for the birth of my daughter). And then, Travis at I Like To Fish starts a new phenomenon: Memoir Monday’s (look at you go boy! You’re spreading like crabs through a high school football team!) complete with it’s own button link and everything. AWESOME! I’m IN! I have TONS of material for this one….


Being together with my sisters is always a three underwear, 6 Motrin and a few tissues experience. I know, you’re wondering about the underwear. See… we like to wear them on our heads and run around the neighborhood stark naked. What can I say? It’s how we get our kicks. I digress….

For the first installment of Memoir Monday’s here on BCC I give you:

 B Slapped By New Kids On The Block





My younger sister (previously known on BCC as SISTA) is 3 years younger than I am and very very good at being a typical younger sister. She has always known exactly how to push my buttons and play me. I don’t like to think of myself as that predicable but I guess I am, because even into adulthood she gets me all the time.

So this particular time we were probably around 14 and 11 respectively. It was one of those home arrest situations. You know, where the warden your mother refuses to allow you contact with the outside world until your rooms (including the closets!) are clean? Yeah, one of those times.

Me being the neat freak that I am knew this ankle bracelet situation would be short lived. My room, while a bit cluttered, certainly didn’t look like a tornado, followed by a tsunami and rounded out with some looting and rioting had taken place. Sista on the other hand, well…. Lets just say you couldn’t see the floor and it looked like her sentence would last well in to adulthood. Being on the chain gang evidently suspended one’s ability to ‘opt out’ and I was recruited to work her room too. Damn!

We were all tired, the warden mother most of all for she had listened to us bicker for the last 4 days hours. Finally past my breaking point, with little Sista laughing in my face and the Warden Mother telling me from down the hall that I was too old for tattling, I man-handled Sista, throwing her into her room and pulling the door closed. I was a bit stronger than she and was gleaning strength from the sheer joy in holding her door closed preventing her escape. It’s probably important to point out that at this point it was well past sunset which meant her room was pitch.black.dark.

She was afraid of the dark.

She screamed.

I laughed.

She beat on the door.

I laughed.

She started beating on the door and screaming.

The Warden Mother came stomping down the hall demanding answers as to what I was doing. The red eyes and steam were a little intimidating so all I managed to squeak out was a very pitiful ‘She started it’.

Evidently that was the wrong thing to say. I should have run fast, very very fast. Most likely the warden mother would have tended to her poor beat upon little lamb and I would’ve be able to find a good hiding place til morning. But no, I stood there like the dumbass I am.

The Warden Mother grabbed blindly at whatever weapon she could find. It happened to be a New Kids On The Block paperback book. That Sista left on the floor when I shoved her into the black hole (because of course, it couldn't have been MY book. I mean, seriously? NKTOB?)

WHACK!

Across the face, I took it with Donnie Wahlburg smiling on. We were both stunned (mother and I - not Donnie he was still smiling - the asshat). I could tell by her face she immediately regretted her action and I probably could’ve gotten something really great out of it (like new shoes or something -because I was good like that).

If only I hadn’t laughed.

******Cheers to Craptastic Monday and a huge MUAH to THAT ONE MOM

Friday, October 16, 2009

A Deviation

Happy Friday to all!

Today's post will be a little out of the norm from the fodder that is usually tapped out. I have two tons of paper work to get through and a short planning period in which to do it. Someone spent too much time vacationing in Blogland this week (Travis - I'm blaming you and your roast!) instead of attending to responsibilities (hhmm....Guilty- Table of one - now seating...)  One of my other jobs is with a local college and I interpret in a creative writing class. A big bonus to working at the collegiant level is gleaning knowledge from the course in which I'm working. At least the nerd in me thinks this is cool (and yes, I actually enjoyed the welding class last semester!) I bring the assingments home and do them for my own personal growth which translates to some really awesome writing tips and writing prompts. I have a whole journal full of scribbles and starts. I'm sharing one today and since traffic is usually slower on Friday's, except for my regulars - you guys keep me running, you really do! - I don't think many will miss the snarky me. I'm just continuing the theme of yesterday's TMI - another glimpse into the MOM side of me. This one did not involve a writing prompt but the topic was Children's Literature. I present to you...

 How Dewey Got Her Name

Shortly after mom and dad brought my pink squeeling baby sister home, Dewey showed up on our front porch. My name is Francesca Claire Marie Johnson, but you can call me Frank. I live on a farm. Well, its not a farm anymore but I've lived here for 9 years. That's how old I am, 9. We don't have any cows or horses or chickens. We do have Dewey. Dewey is a pig with a curly tail and all!


At first mom said No. I told her it wasn't fair because she got to keep Ted. That's my sister. Her full name is Theadora Louise Gertrude Johnson. She's named after my mom's great great grandma. Sometimes Dad says Dewey looks just like Aunt Martha. Mom says that isn't a nice thing to say but she usually laughs too. I don't say so outloud, but I think Aunt Martha smells like Dewey. I mostly notice when she hugs me so tight I think snot might squirt out my nose.



I was three when Ted and Dewey came to live with us. Mom wouldn't let me name Ted so I got to name Dewey instead. She was so dirty there wasn't a spot of pink on her. Mom says she smelled like she rolled in cow poo and that's how I picked her name. It was suppose to be Phewee!, but I had trouble with my p's. Everytime I said her name it sounded like Dewey and we've called her that ever since.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Blowing Bubbles in the Gene Pool

I'm not sold on the title yet, so if you have suggestions, please leave them in the comments section on this post. I'm wanting a (possibly) weekly running segment title for conversations with my sisters. They tend to be great blog material as is evident of what is below. So, thank you in advance for your creative help! My gray matter isn't quite up to speed yet today - or I'm still a little mushy from having to leave my Girl to go to work this morning. Some days are much harder than others, yanno?

Anyshizle - on with the laughs....
**disclaimer** if the mention of phalic paraphernalia tends to offend you, you might want to click here

Conversation yesterday via text with my Sista

SISTA: Do you have a briefcase

Me: Looking to hide a body?

SISTA: No, a dildo

Me: I think I just peed my pants

SISTA: Lol

Me: No, I don't sorry. Dad might but it would be from like 1865. Need if for school?

SISTA: No, I need it for a Halloween Costume

Me: I'm afraid to ask...........whatcha gonna be?

SISTA: A traveling dildo salesman

Me: Great - this homeless guy on the corner thinks I'm laughing at him! Great idea...maybe you could actually make some $$ when u take the kids out. You know how ur neighbors are! LOL...Do I want to know what a traveling dildo salesman wears?

SISTA: I'm not wearing it w/ the kids. We're going to a party. I thought I might make myself look like Hannah Montana

Me: Instead of a microphone, you sing into a giant gyrating cock....classy! LMAOROLF(of the car but not while driving. I don't drive & txt. It's illegal here ya knw! Oh wait -thats only if ur under 21...

SISTA: Comeon...I need ideas....

Me: I like HM or you could dress like June Cleaver with pearls n stuff  LOL

**side note, Sista went back to college (at night) for some technical training in the medcial field. She has a really LONG LATE class on Wednesday nights. I shot this off to her before I went to bed...

Me: Blah blah blah......OMG! Its Hannah Montana! Eeeeeek! She's singing into a massive penis erectus plastico (thats the offical medical term for big effin' dildo!) STAY AWAKE MILEY! C ya in da morn...

TMI Thursday - its Lame its Tame but its all I got

...from LiLu ***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

**This originally appeared on our family blog in June (which is private, so don't ask. Don't want any cyberpedophyles keyboards getting sticky....) and since I'm at a loss this week for totally humiliating myself - which is rare, I know - I'm reposting this so I can at least play along. I do have a much funnier post that will go up later today. So even if you're board to tears and shouting lame all the way through, please check back. I promise you won't be disappointed a second time!

Girl has entered a new phase: 'I WILL NOT eat anything that you aren't also eating!' Every day this beautiful little child finds new ways to announce I AM INDEPENDENT HEAR ME ROAR (she surely gets that from her father)! So in the last week or so black olives, crackers, hamburger, strawberries, yogurt, chicken, grapes, pizza crust, cheese cubes, peas, carrots, cherrios, an assortment of Gerber Graduate Snacks (which, yes, I taste tested too. It's a new requirement), green beans, peaches, apple chunks and Gold Fish crackers have crossed Girl's palate. All of which she seems to love. With new foods comes great new adventures!

Recently the realization that the house was void of toiletpaper (something you DON'T want to put off for the "next" trip to WalMart) spurred Girl and I on a quick dash to WalMart. I scooped her out of her mountain of toys, threw a few things into my MOM Bag (no longer am I able to carry a 'purse') and off we went. Usually a trip to WalMart incites LOTS of attention for Girl. The old ladies love her (especially the checker, Grandma Betty), kids seem drawn to her and our favorite door greetor always has to touch her hair and promise her Happy Face stickers for when she's a 'bit bigger because right now she would just eat them'. This particular trip Girl would've put Chatty Cathy to shame. In usual form, Girl emitted lots of Ooo's, Ahhh's, MMmmm's, Ddadadadadadadadadadada's plenty of laughter and shared her infectious smile freely. Most mom's would assume the little smirks, chuckles and quirked eye brows of the patrons were in response to an adorable child's antics. I was of the same assumption. Well... you know what they say about people who assume.

It wasn't until we were happily back home and the dog was doing her level best to get to my arse that I realized two Gold Fish from Girl's morning sack made a valliant effort to escape the clutches of her sticky hands. Both were firmly attached to the black pants covering my left butt cheek (the pants actually covered my whole rear, not just the left side). Hmph! I've no doubt at least some of those snickers at Walmart had to do with our little travelers. Still have NO CLUE how they got there and how in the world they did NOT fall off while seated in the car. I do know now that being cast into a sea of drool changes Gold Fish crackers from fun little fish-shaped cheddar thingies into something 3M only wishes they could copywrite and mass produce!



The joys of Motherhood! I wouldn't change it for the world!!!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

HOW GHETTO IS YOUR CRAPPER?

I'm gonna vent a little because... because I can and people here stopped listening a few years back (here, meaning work). I also want to know if the bathrooms are like this where YOU work or if I'm the only lucky one. You might as well be the lady in the car (pictured below) if you're going to use the crapper here - and it is a crapper - the use of the word Bathroom or Restroom would imply some sort of sanitation and a respectable place to set your ass. Not so here...

 Just to set the scene for you, we have three floors in our high school building. As is my policy on eating in the cafeteria, I will not and have not once visited the student bathrooms in the 9 years I have worked here. Just not something I would even consider doing. I would honestly rather piss my pants or pee behind my car in the parking lot than go in there. Last school year some staff member dropped such a horridenous load in the bathroom of the front office lobby that the prinicpal replaced the locks leaving only herself and one other staff member in the front office with access. Not sure how this is legal, it probably isn't, but I have it on good account that she sucked her way to her position anyway so she pretty much gets to do whatever she wants (insert eye roll here - AND she looks like a man in drag. I know, right?). Anyway, so now there is only the teacher's workroom bathroom on the second floor that is available to the ENTIRE REMAINDER OF THE BUILDING (that we all have to play musical chairs for since there are only 6 minutes during passing time and we have 90 minute class periods-its a mad dash to see who can get there first). As of yesterday morning (at 7:05am) there was this much toilet paper left.

I'm not a big girl (5'5 and 130 pounds) but my ass does require more than 2 paper thin squares and a streamer. Whatever - I chose to drip dry.  Speaking of dripping - I would like to HOW in the hell the men in this building can miss the toilet and pee all over the floor? Seriously! It's not like the target is the size of a sippy cup and positioned 40 yards from where you're standing. Do you shove your nose onto the top of a baseball bat, close your eyes, spin 50 times and THEN walk in and whip it out to pee? Are you SO ancient that we need to put a Viagra salt lick on the wall next to the toilet paper dispenser so you can get it up enough not to piss on your shoes? And really, how are your socks not soaked all day long? It is truly gross and not just because I'm a germaphobe - IT'S GROSS! Oh, and MEMO to my building:

 Yes, I am the one who voids the paper towel dispensers and leaves them all over the floor. I WILL NOT SUBJECT EVEN THE BOTTOMS OF MY SHOES to all that piss and since the custodial staff (who are unionized) hide out in the basement playing on the computer, watching TV and hanging out the window to smoke, are too busy to periodically clean the bathroom ya'll are gonna have to deal with no paper towels. I would rather walk around with wet hands (from WASHING, PEOPLE not wiping!) than walk upon your foulness. Oh, and stop leaving me notes on the bathroom door. It isn't going help anything. I can't even imagine what your house looks like!

So you may still be wondering what I am so worked up about. Yesterday I had to pee to incredibly bad - the kind of bad where your eye balls are floating, the whites have become yellow the potty dance ain't cuttin it and 'the cramp' is threatening to render all other muslces in your body slack. I ran, not walked, ran to the bathroom at my first opportunity. I flung open the door and.....(oh, I SO wish we had smell-o-vision too. The olefactory assult just makes this all the better)

...this, this THIS is what I am greated with. Did you notice the floor? Enlarge the picture, I dare ya. THERE ARE CHUNKS! CHUNKS! awww...Hell NO! I made a mad dash to my car and dropped trou right there behind the back left tire. I kid... I just picked the lock to the principal's bathroom. (There are some advantages to working in the inner city - you'd be amazed at the useful things you can learn.) The principal was gone at some supposedly important principal's only meeting yesterday - all day - whatever....*slurp slurp* 

SO, What I want to know is HOW GHETTO IS YOUR CRAPPER?

******************UPDATE******************
this was this morning - about 10 minutes ago. After seeing it, I strapped on my HK 9mm and ran down to the gas station a few blocks away. I'd rather risk my life in the 'wrong neighborhood' than clean this up enough to use it! Gawwwwd! *shiver in disgust*






UPDATE #2 - it seems that sometime in the last couple of hours I lost a follower. Don't know where you went (hopefully not down this toilet) and I'm sorry you left. I do notice, I may not know exactly which one you were, but I do notice that you're gone. Ahem....maybe you work at the same place I do? Are you one of our janitors? We'll miss you! You're welcome back at any time...

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

*SNIF SNIF* What's Burning? It's Travis and his Roast!

Today is Travis's 100th post over at I Like to Fish. Jump on over there and pay him some love. His blog is among one of the first I look to see if a new post has gone up. He's as real as it gets and loves to laugh. So, go, laugh with him, at him...whatever just laugh..... You'll love him, I promise... okay go ahead....I'll wait.....

Now that you're back, I'm asking you to do one other thing - stop following Ed at Ed's Funny Pages. He's an ASSHAT! I kid....I kid...he's an asshat but you should still read him. Everyonce in awhile he posts something that makes his use of our breathable air condonable. Since you've already hopped over to Travis and are back now, the follow picture is in response to Ed's comment on the roast.


Your Tax Dollars At Work

***this morning was an awww...crap moment - I left my flash drive in my computer at home. It's like my security blanket people. I feel naked with out it! It has ALL my post ideas and writings on it. I mean, it's my portable blog...my diary...my crack stash...my extra pair of undies in case of an emergency.... SO I had to pull a draft from my posts that never went up. This was NOT what I was going to post on today. I just needed to polish up what I smacked out yesterday...my flash drive...baby... *sigh* Oh well... here you go. Wouldn't want to leave you postless today...

How's this new presidency workin for ya?....I'mjustsayin

First, I should remind ya'll incase you haven't read the About Me, that I'm a sign language interpreter for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing. I'm a staff interpreter with a big school district in the City (in addition to freelancing and staff at a local college). I'm officed in and work in one of the inner city high schools. Having established that, this was yesterday...

This week is mid quarter exams so the junior math class I interpret in was taking a mid term exam. During such exams I usually bring in some reading material to keep myself busy while my hands rest. I was reading Taming of the Shrew, by William Shakespear, in preparation for Senior English next week. (its one of my favorites by Billy). I was using a Wally World receipt as a book mark.

Upon completion of the test, one of the girls with whom I exchange banter says, "Hey! *Daffy*, whatdidyabuy from Walmart?"

me: diapers, formula, wipes, trashbags...


the chick: you PAY for formula?


me: uhh...as opposed to what? Stealing it? (looking down at my chest) I think they'd notice if I tried to smuggle it out.

the chick: No, don't you get it for free? I get coupons from the goverment for it. (this coming from a girl who's shoes are more expensive than my whole outfit and is on her THIRD cell phone since school started)

me: Ummmm, no. Hubs and I both work. We don't qualify.


the chick: You coulda just lied. Worked for me...

Isn't it nice to know the system is really working? Aren't you glad that you have to bend over and take it in the pooper after you've put in a very hard day's work? And yes, this girl does have a child. Not so out of the ordinary round these parts.

Death and Taxes, ya'll.... Death and Taxes...

Monday, October 12, 2009

Moody Monday – Lets Talk Beavers

First let me thank those of you who wished me good sleep over the weekend. Girl is still working on those 2 year molars and I didn’t get any sleep Friday but did manage to clock about 6 hours between Saturday and today. So I'm REAL CHIPPER....

As I drove into work this morning I had serious reservations about my mental state. Shocker, I know. It’s just that there was NO ONE on the road. Normally traffic is fairly heavy for the entire 35 minute drive. This morning there was nary a headlight or taillight in any direction. For awhile I was wondering if the rapture had taken place and I was left behind. That’s serious scary people...

Anyshizle, since I’m still here I thought I would give you a recap of the weekend. Saturday was fairly entertaining so we’ll have our first installment of Saturday Snatches (I just like that word…its so versatile). Saturday my younger sister and I had a big garage sale (also called a yard sale for you weird people who don’t have garages). We didn’t do so hot money wise (weather was colder than a coalminer’s pecker) but we sure laughed our asses off. Garage Sales bring out some weird people letmetellya. Oh and I’d like to say, just for the record real quick that WHATEVER MASSHOLE STOLE THREE OF MY GARAGE SALE SIGNS MAY YOU ROT IN DEBTORS HELL AND ALL YOUR GARAGE SALES BE FOREVER CURSED FROM NOW UNTIL THE END OF TIME! Seriously! Who steals garage sale signs? Wallyworld sells 99cent signs. Of course, I splurged on 3 $2.50 signs –the ones that were stolen. Go figure (ya asshat! I still can’t believe you stole my signs whoever you are. What good are they? They have MY address on them…)



The sale started at 8am. My sister made $20 within the first 10 minutes WHOOT WHOOT! It would be another hour before anyone else happened by…




Me: OMG! They really do have blue hair! Look

SISTA: Maybe its just the lighting

Me: what? It’s cloudy out

SISTA: so maybe its just a reflection

Me: You’re weird – the sky is gray not blue

SISTA: Do you smell formaldehyde?

Me: *sniffing* Yes! it’s the Blue Hairs.

SISTA: Gawd… just shoot me if I start smelling like formaldehyde.

Me: Is it really worth dying over? Couldn’t I just tell ya to wash your ass?
------------------------------------------

SISTA: Oh! Look! That little dog looks just like your miniature pinscher.

…dog trots into the garage…

Me: Oooh! She does… (whistling) here baby… come here sweetie…. Aren’t you so cute! I’d trade my fat ass blind doggie for you….you’re so cute (lick, slurp) <------ the dog licking me not the other way around.

SISTA: I can’t believe she jumped into your lap

Me: I know! I just have a way with animals. Jealous? (dog jumps down)

SISTA: uhh…maybe HE just realized you’re a bitch in heat.

Me: what? Ohhh….. Damn, how did I miss that? (breaking into song…)Do your balls hang low do they wobble to and fro…

SISTA: (Laughing)

Me: OMG! That stupid effin dog just peed on my foot! (he did. Just trotted right back over to me when I started singing and lifted his leg. Pissed right on me!)

SISTA: uncontrollable laughter, snorting and coughing and all kinds of unlady like noises…..WTF! I think I just peed myself. Yeah, you do have a way with animals Daffy.
------------------------------------------------------------

Me: So when’s the next bonfire? You gonna invite the neighbors again?

SISTA: I don’t know, and yeah probably. I’ve been learning a lot about our neighbor Leroy.

Me: I can’t believe his wife came to the last one. I was shocked as hell. The way he talks about her I was totally picturing Desperate Housewives (Midwest style).

SISTA: I KNOW! But so not Desperate Housewives… more like Duck Farm.

*crickets* (I got nothing… can hardly breathe…we laugh until we pee again- at least its keeping us warm)
--------------------------------

In between our stellar conversation we had a couple of visitors worthy of posting about but in the interest of time and length, I think I’ll save them for another post. Besides, you’re probably only still reading to find out what the hell I have to say about beavers. Ummm…nothing really other than Papa Loved Mama this weekend. Can I get a WHOOT WHOOT?!? I just figured with beavers in the title it would attract more readers.

Friday, October 9, 2009

SFTC Guest Post -Chek ME OUT!

It's traveling time friends... flap yourselves on over to Speaking From The Crib <----- using that link for today's post. Yours Truly was asked to do a guest post because she picked me for Blogger Of the Week!

And since I've had about (....looking at the clock.....) 4 hours of sleep in the last 40 I'm too damn tired to think of two posts. So, hop on over and check it out. Thanks for visiting friends!

Same time, same Bat channel on Monday!

Live Long and Laugh Often

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Its Our Anniversary and He Wants A Diamond!

**some background before you continue reading. Currently our TV has only one channel Outdoor HD. From sun up to sun down, if the TV is on and Hubs is awake we get to watch (as if its a priviledge) any number of deer, turkey, bear, elk, elephants, lions (you get the idea) shot with bows and rifles. There are a couple of husband and wife teams (as if a woman is really gonna take her plastic boobies out in the forest at 4am with a full face of makeup - I don't think I'd take the time for make up...lets be real...)  So, out of that I give you this....

Conversations from the Couch

HIM: I’m gonna get my wife some of that

ME: What? Primos XP?

HIM: Yeah

ME: Why? So you can’t smell me or see me in bed?

HIM: Yeah

ME: Cool. You won’t see me sneak up and jump your bones

HIM: (dead pan) It’s so deer won’t see you

ME: Right! You’re my dear and I much prefer two legged animals over four

**crickets**

So our anniversary was last weekend and for the three weeks leading up to it, every thrid second of every  minute of every day was plastered with some kind of suggestion as to what I should get Hubs. (and you men think women are bad!). The following was sent to my email (by hubs) as well as shared with my sister and her husband. I'm sure with the secret hope was that they too would feel compelled to share with me as if I didn't catch the drift with the first sugestion or the nine billion that followed.


...same night as the Primos X commercial, this took place too...

HIM: I’m gonna get my wife one of those for Christmas

ME: One of what? (not paying attention to the TV because I'm blogging.... and really, if you've seen one deer fall over dead you've seen 'em all)

HIM: Bear Lights Out bow

ME: I thought you were going to get me a Diamond

HIM: I don’t like Diamonds
ME: I thought it was for me

HIM: yeah, right….

-----------------
...a little bit later...me still in blogland...him still in Outdoor hunting mode...
HIM: Man! Look at the rack on him!

ME: how come you never say that about me?

HIM: *shaking head*

ME: What? Seriously!

HIM: More head shaking....

To my men followers out there... WHAT am I doing wrong? Do I need to buy a deer call to lure him away from the TV and into the bedroom? I already told him to buy the damn bow. I'm still not gettin' anywhere...

TMI Thursday - Work It Girl

...from LiLu ***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!




On my way home from work Monday I stopped into the Post Office to mail out a quick package to my pal Alexis (ROCK THE SPRINKLES GIRL!). Our PO has this great little kiosk thingie that allows you to bypass standing in the wicked long lines the first Monday of the month brings as well as not having to deal with the employees and their Brilliant Personalities (has to be a requirement for employment there). I think they cater big bowls of stupid in for breakfast at this particular location. Fo real!

As I get out of my car, a man pulls into the space next to me and smiles while blatantly looking me head to toe (but NOT in a I’m an Internet Preditor/Stalker/Mass Murder You’ll be on the 10 o’clock News kinda way). Groovy! I mean, you take it where you can get these days, ya know? He had all his teeth, still had his hair, didn’t smell like a garbage dump or Axe (bonus!), drove a BMW etc…You join the 30’s club, you pop out a kid, earn some new lines and bags and have to fanatically stay on top of those highlights… trust me… you take it where you can get it. Never mind that he was probably 50. Whatever….

So I bounce into the PO to do my thing (yeah, I said bounce…had a little more pep in my step after that ‘look’). I can see the guy out of the corner of my eye just standing there watching me. Okay…whatever…kinda creepy but, he really was…ahem…distinguished…no George Cloony but not bad. So as I turn away from the machine I flash my mega-watt THANKS FOR THE ATTENTION smile (you know the kind that actually reaches up and tugs the corner of your eyes in with it?) and make eye contact. At the same moment my cell phone rings (my sister has impeccable timing – the same one from the email I posted last week). I reach into my stylin’ jumbo bag/purse/diaper bag/suitcase-without-wheels and whip it out. What should happen to fall out along with it? A big stack of coupons for Miralax. He looks down, I look down. I don’t wanna look up… gawd! What a way to kill the moment and I really do think there was a moment. It’s not like I can explain that those are really for my daughter, and they are! Since graceful really isn’t my thing, I bend over (at the waist, not the knee, trying to get a little mileage out of the moment), shrug one shoulder and say “Oh! Well… excuse me.” I didn’t bother to look at his face again.

With a little giggle (and I’m SO NOT a giggler –guffaw, snort, howl, yes…) I zoomed out the door and called my lovely sister back laughing so hard tears were streaming down my face and she couldn’t understand a thing I was saying. When I finally got it all out (for the third time) her response was, “All the good stuff always happens to you.” Hmmm….ya, okay…..

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Don't Think About A Cow

Morning all! Today is one of those days. It's forecasted to be hairy, scary and LONG (sheesh...I'm in the gutter too. What a great day!). Anyshizl, since I may not have time to post anything else today I grabbed an entry from my Scribbles journal. I know its a deviation from the norm but its hump day so work with me here. Besides, if your alarm went off at 4:30am like mine does you may feel a bit on the crabby side (and I'm NOT even PMSing - seriously! It's a good skin day LOL) and multi-task where you can. Didn't want to deny you all a post :O)
*editorial note: PETA please do not contact me. I am not a farmer, butcher or live stock seller. It's simply a little ditty I wrote after seeing a new Chipotle billboard. I doubt I'll put into my book of rhymes for children.

-Don't Think About A Cow-

Don't think about a cow
Not here, not now.

Not about his spots, his trot
or his brow.

Not how his tail swishes
his eye twitches
or his heart wishes.

Don't think about a cow
Not here, not now.

Not about the hay he chews
the milk he spews
or why he moos.

Just Eat.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Do you trust me?

**this happened yesterday and I typed it yesterday but never made to the Publish button as the dog started puking, the baby trying to play in it and the hubs screaming like a little girl! So I'm finally getting around to posting this morning...

Usually Julie asks the same questions 2 or 3 times. The casual onlooker would be tempted to blame it on the blonde. Via my insider knowledge (I've been going to Julie for 5 years) I know that to be inaccurate. She's as naturally brown as I am. Getting my hair cut is always an experience.

She tells me about a DVD she found on her door step along with an invitation to a seminar on the end times.

"What's Pentecostal?" she asks of me.

Laughing at herself, she tells me that she was excited all last night about this DVD. First thing this morning she gets in her car anxious to finally experience the DVD and pops it into the stereo. Like you, I'm thinking she's just confused the terms DVD and CD and she really means the latter. Surely her story will reveal the cd's contents on Armageddon. Such confusion is typical for Julie. She proceeds to tell me about her 10 minute ordeal of inserting and reinserting this DVD that the radio keeps spitting back at her. (YES! 10 minutes...no exaggeration)

"DUH", she says, "I waited all night to listen to this DVD" (dramatic pause) "...and I could've just watched it!"

She laughs at the folly of her thinking and all the while I'm seriously questioning exactly WHY it is I trust her with my head and a pair of scissors. Maybe it's the cape...could it be that it speaks to my inner child and the longing for super powers?

Monday, October 5, 2009

Death By Axe

Dear Distributors/Makers of AXE:

I would like to know what smell retarded, dweeb infected, pimple faced, I have to pay for sex, multimillionaire lab rat who was born without a functioning olfactory gene invented AXE. I have a bone to pick with you.

Every day I shower, I use deodorant, I put on clean clothes and I take my ass to work in an attempt to provide for my family and maybe, just maybe add something positive to society and today’s youth (if I’m feeling generous that day and had enough sleep the night before and the moon and stars are aligned just right…you get the picture). Yet every day I walk through the doors and then halls of this stinkin’ high school into a cloud of AXE. I have to use my sense of touch to navigate the halls which is a whole other hot mess of scary, while holding my breath and hoping I make it to my second floor office before I pass out from lack of oxygen and have my person rifled over resulting in the loss of my jewelery, my cell phone, my car keys (and subsequently my car) my office keys, and shoes (because they are that cool).

AXE translates to cheap which translates to “APPEALING TO TEENAGER” which breaks down to a terrible funk that the youth of our country attempts to cover up with said AXE.

Seriously, if I was going to buy this stuff it would only be in place of a smoke bomb to

1. rid my home of a flea infestation (which I don’t have. I’mjustsayin)

2. Provide tactical assistance to the SWAT team, DEA and or Secret Service (the inclusion of Secret Service in no way suggests I support our thoughtless leader and any attempt to protect his presidency – side note to FBI this is NOT a threat of any kind. Please do not bust down my door at dinner time and try to arrest me –EPSECIALLY if you use this AXE crap. Thankyouverymuch)

Or

3. As a gift for someone I truly hate and have held a grudge against for the last 10 years (if I did things like that. I’m not petty enough to hold a grudge…for that long anyway).

4. to fulfill my requirement of a gag gift so I could join the game of strip poker the ‘girls’ have started the first Friday of each month knowing that each ‘gift’ would really just be pitched in the trash as we stagger out the door at the end of the night – because then I’d know that I saved at least one soul from purchasing that can.

Could you at the least PLEASE change your ads so these hormone high, premature releasing, still giggling, trying to be cool teenage boys won’t think that by wearing AXE walking talking things with boobs and a hole will accost them while they stand at the bus stop? Really, who believes that crap?

If you would kindly remove this offensive crap from the shelves at the local discount, wholesale and Dollar General stores there is a whole demographic of us that might feel and act a great deal less homicidal as we won’t be high and constantly coughing on the clouds of this shit that float around us day in and day out.

On the up side, I’ve purchased stock with a booming company that sells nose plugs. I’ve started selling them out of the back of my car to other staff members as they enter the school building. You know, gotta take advantage of the quick buck (like you) in the off chance you don’t acquiesce to my request of removal.

Sincerely,

A Clean Lightly Unoffensively Scented Adult

Friday, October 2, 2009

Friday Fantastics

Wow... the awards have really been flying through blogosphere this week. Lots of new bloggitos and bloggitas joining the ranks and popping up with great blogs! I am so humbled by the awesome response to BATCRAP CRAZY! Gets me all warm and fuzzy seeing the followers and reading comments (plus it makes my phone buzz non stop! YIPPIE). I still can't get over the fact that people like me, wanna drop their pants for me, are blowing me kisses and sharing all this lub!

I realize that some/many of you have already received some of these awards but I'm doing it again so tough.
Anyshizle, time to pass them along. Like money, awards seem to burn a hole in my pocket. So without further adieu (cue music)...

The first award comes from my new friend Matty over at Matty's Thoughts and comes with rules (which are posted and followed at the bottom of this longass post). I am really glad Matty found me so that I could return the fun! He has a fabulous blog that is so down to earth and real. I look forward to his posts and lots of smiling! Thanks Matty for being so steady in reading and commenting here in Crazy land. Please check Matty out! He is worthy of your time.

The Over The Top blog award is being pass on to:


The Best Blog award comes to me from Alexis at Running Away? I'll Help you Pack. We've become fast friends and were most likely separated at birth. I am shameless trying to win all of her giveaways. She has great ones along with awesome blog posts so please be sure to let her know you've stopped by to check her out! This award is for new blogs that you like but I through some in that I've been following for awhile now.

I'm passing this award on to:
Andrienzgirl at Think Tank Momma (grab my comments award from the sidebar too! You deserve it!)
Jennee at Cheap Therapy (grab my comments award from the sidebar too! You deserve it!)

I also received the I Give Good Blog award from Alexis. I am passing this award on to:

The third award from Alexis that I received was the Dragon Loyalty Award.

I want to pass this along to:

And finally, Lee awarded me the Friends Award.
It is with great honor that I accept it and pass it along to:
Speaking From The Crib (also grab the My Comments Rock award from my side bar. YOU ROCK LADY!)

Thank you again so very much to all the followers and commenters who support BATCRAP CRAZY with your words and clicks. I still amazes me that a short 1 month after going public you all are still here and keep sending people my way. Thanks a MILLION ya'll. Have a couple of drinks, hugs, smooches, lattes, bada bings on me this weekend. You earned it!

PS: It took me too damn long to get this post going so I am NOT looking back over it for typos. If your links don't work holler at me I'll fix it *smile*. Now, I'm gonna go eat some lunch and check the rest of ya'll out!