Wednesday, September 30, 2009

You can thank me later...

Since I got all hot and heavy with Hillbilly Duhn exchanging awards and all earlier in the week, I thought I would continue to SHOW 'EM SOME LOVE to all my commenting bloggitos and bloggeritas. Please understand that at this moment I am working with caveman technology and software so my creativity levels are limited by 'The Man'. I would've waited until I go home to make this but once there my time is no longer my own. Anyshizle, there is a new award I would like to bestow to my faithful followers! Your comments make my world go round! I LIVE for the moments when my Blackberry vibrates in my pants...err..pocket to announce a new comment left to moi! Please, continue to spew forth your thoughts and pass the love on to your own followers who deserve it!This award goes to:












Ed at Ed's Funny Pages



Scoman

And since I'm doing the awards thing I also want to pass along the Lovely Blog award to



Jennee at Cheap Therapy and the gals over at Life Laugh Latte. I really enjoy following both blogs!

Whatcha Lookin' At?

My name is Daffy.

I have a staring problem...


...which I didn't realize until this week. Or rather it didn't become a problem until this week. I ran out of contacts and naturally the whole country is on back order for the brand I use - no exaggeration!


I've donned my stylish (ergo OLD) eye glasses because I'm illegal without them. My morning drive to work is no biggie as the sun doesn't make an appearance until I've already timed in. No one can really 'see' anyone else in their cars. Only silhouettes. It was driving home that I discovered my problem.


Climbing up my tail pipe was a car full of dumbas...err...young people thrashing about to the latest crap...er...rap sensation. Don't ask me who - not only do I NOT know but I don't give a shit either (even though I'm tortured daily with it). As they passed me, finally fed up with my 'slow driving' (which I am SO not guilty of, I'll have to post about that soon) I turned my head to glare.


Normally I safely glare from behind my sunglasses (I'm not weak - just not stupid either. We have the Right to Conceal and Carry in my state and you never know who forgot to take their meds that day). In the time it took for the fun to fall off the face of the metal sporting pixie in the front seat and be replaced by a distinct 'fuck you' pucker, I realized she could see my eyes as clearly as I could see hers.


mental forehead slap - Eyeglasses Einstein...NOT sunglasses....

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Crack is Whack

This morning my sister in law calls me as I'm driving into work. She's going through nursing school and has just started clinicals. She arrived at the hospital early today and decided to give me a call. We haven't talked in weeks. Life is so stupid busy for both of us. We're really close (no, really, we are!) One of those few cases where an 'in law' is actually a really awesome person. She tells me that I was her gift from God. That He knew she wouldn't survive marriage and 'the family' if it weren't for me. (she's my husband's brother's wife incase you were trying to figure that out). Why wouldn't I totally love someone who thinks I'm a gift from God? DUH! I don't know though, guess she coulda just called because I'm the only other human awake at the ass crack of dawn.


Anyway, as we were catching up she was talking about being tired, homework, house duties, child rearing issues and what time she went to bed. I countered with my nightly routine since Girl has decided to become a vampire and stop sleeping at night. She said if she could just stop sleeping, eating, showering and shitting that she wouldn't feel so stressed -there would be plenty of time for everything. I shared with her my sleep deprived delirium and my game plan for combating it. Crack is whack, I told her, so I've decided the next best thing is Hydroxycut Max for Women. Tsk, tsk I know... I'm really not using it for the weight loss drugs in it. I'm mooching the caffeine out of it. I bought myself some (became such a regular customer at the health store that they gave me a Preferred Customer 20% off discount card good 24/7) right out of maternity leave. Did it then for the weight loss part - the caffeine was a bonus. THEN some massholes started taking it in overdrive and did something stupid - like - died. So they (the FDA)*gasp* removed it from the shelves. Recalled it - totally made me dry up and do it cold turkey. That is grounds for justifiable homicide people!


Imagine my glee when it returned to shelves not so long ago. I'm addicted again. No lectures please.


What's your vice?

Monday, September 28, 2009

Paying It Forward


I'm not doing this just because I'm the Follower of the Week over at Hillbilly Duhn's but because she totally deserves this award. She just got her posts up and going today before I had a chance to do my bloggy thing. (my internet has been down!). So, my friend, you so very much deserve this award and I hope you post it proudly. You are one of the first blogs I started stalking and did so before I put my big girl panties on and got a public blog of my own. You've offered so much support both in answering my inane questions about blogging and in leaving comments once I was up and running. I'm looking forward to your book giveaway (even if i don't win...yes, sometimes I can be a good sport) and am excited that you are celebrating your blogiversary. You are wonderfully talented with your writing and your painting. Thank you for sharing both with us in blogland. We are a better group of blogaddicts because of it!

I TOTALLY ROCK - it's okay, you can be jealous if you want

I FINALLY got online this morning and after getting my post up what do I find? Hillbilly Duhn has highlight ME, yes MOI, as her Follower Of The Week. I am just SO blown away with the bloggey love this past week. You guys rock my world and SO make it worth going into work (HA!). I don't get much time once I'm at home to do much of anything online so I look forward to timing in at unGodly hours just to check in on my Batty Friends.

Thanks a million and PLEASE flap on over to Hillbilly Duhn and check her out. She's the shiz!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

TMI Thursday -Got Peas?

(from LivitLuvit)***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

TMI Thursday

Fortunately this happened far enough into my past that I can laugh about it. And by far, I mean like 7-8 years ago... I'm probably suppose to post about something recent but recently has been uneventful and ya'll don't want to hear about Girl's lack of sleep lately and my grumpiness. Right? So, read and ladies sympathize please...


It was Friday afternoon and I was feeling a dreaded yeast infection coming on. I ate yogurt like crazy (does that EVER really work?) and thought I would over come it by the power of postitive thinking (nothing gets in the way of The Partaaay!). Sunday morning I was kicking myself for not having run to the doc on Friday. Don't know why, at the time, I didn't think about heading to the Urgent Care or Weekend Clinic. I guess because I didn't know I harbored any sort of allergy to Monestat. So in the wee hours of Sunday morning I headed to a 24 hour pharmacy and loaded up on Monestat hoping like hell that by Monday morning I wouldn't be an ichy fire crotch bitty and could go to work. If only I had known...


Monday morning was the second dose of that nasty cream stuff. I donned a diaper (not really, but felt like it) and my baggiest work clothes. While putting in my contacts I somehow managed to scratch my cornea and had to wear my stupid glasses and attempt to drive through the water works spurting from my left eye. By the time I arrived to work the nether region was feeling worse than ever. This stuff wasn't working!

An hour into my work day I was ready to call 911. Fire Crotch was taking on a whole new meaning. Come to find out, I'm allergic to something in Monestat. I had the equivalent of a chemical burn on the lovely lady. Oh! The burn...the itch...the burn.... worse than any amount of Lip Venom (see the Archives for that story). I locked myself in the bathroom and grabbed the mirror out of my purse. Damn near fainted is what I did. BEYOND RECOGNITION! Swollen and angry like you wouldn't believe. I HAD to go home.

Not only could I still not see, but sitting was out of the question. I 'hip rested it' all the way home. Once there, I headed straight for the freezer and grabbed the only thing in it - frozen peas. I laid on the couch roating bags of frozen peas for HOURS trying to get some relief. At one point, I got up to put the half melted bags back to refreeze and had the bright idea that maybe Benedryl would help. As I threw back some Benedryl I noticed my dose of Allegra still sitting on the counter. Ummm....thought I took that this morning.... That would a BIG FAT NEGATIVE! What I took was a double dose of FIBERCON (yes, I was having bowel issues at the time too. Too much junk food, tequila etc...). The two drugs looked almost identical (and remember I wasn't seeing very well - you know, the contact issue and all). FABULOUS!

I now have a vajayjay on fire from the inside out, a double dose of Fibercon in me and I just swallowed Benedryl. I just knew I would pass out (from the Benedryl) and wake up in a puddle of melted vegetables and my own crap. THANK GOD I lived alone - except for the dog and she would never tell. We're tight like that.

It took DAYS...people! DAYS before I could even just sit! I'm a hard headed person and usually learn best by finding out the hard way. But this time, I think I would've blieved a person if they had just warned me...

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Seriously? And you think you will graduate?

The BATCRAP CRAZY version of Kids Say The Darndest Things. It's important to note that I work in a high school (and to remind you that I am a sign language interpreter) and these comments come straight from the kids. No kidding! I didn't alter a damn thing. It may be a good idea to worry. These are our future leaders (of prison gangs, the Dog Walkers Union, the Fry Flipers United, the Unemployment Line...)



At the round table in Fashion & Costume Design

Boy: (cellphone rings, he answers...) What?


Girl: who callin' yous at school?


Boy: mines mama. My brother got picked up by the Feds last night and she's kinda freakin' out.


------------------------------------------------------------------

Boy #1 (talking about me to Boy #2) She has a ring on her finger dude. She ain't gonna be interested in you.

Me: (leaning towards their desk cluster) Not to mention I'm old enough to be your mother, dumbass!

Boy #2 (looking surprised) You can talk?


-------------------------------------------------------------------------

At the end of Freshman science a girl approaches me...


Girl: ummm... excuse me.... that stuff you do? Is it like French or something?

Me: Is what French?

Girl: *waves hands around* That stuff you do with your hands.

Me: Yup

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...this next one needs a scene set-up - picture two kids that honestly look about like Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head. I'm just sayin...not trying to be mean... just sayin...

Boy: You so fat you use pillow cases for socks!


Girl: YOU so fat your momma breast fed you with a chicken!


...I had to leave the room after that one. I was laughing too hard along with the rest of the class and I think it was preventing the teacher from gaining control again (as if he ever had it in the first place)...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
During the 2007-2008 School year I was pregnant. At about 5 months I fell and broke my knee cap. I was in a full leg brace with one helluva waddle. The day I returned, this conversation took place in class:


Boy: What happened to you?

Me: I broke my knee cap

Boy: How?

Me: Sky diving

Boy: How did you do that?

Me: I jumped.

**crickets**

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Girl (says to me while in hallway): Oh Look! You're pregnant! Do you know what you're having?

Me: Yup! Kittens

Girl: Wow (and walks off)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day in the library a student with whom I chat occassionally approaches me...

Boy to me: Do you know any gay men your age you can set me me up with? I prefer 25 to 30 years old and tall.

Me: Uh, NO!

WTF? Don't know where the hell that one came from! I've never really been into child trafficing and don't plan on it any time, ever! Its not a very respectable profession and we all know Respectable is in my top 10 criteria. Sheesh!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

And now a few from the staff in my ghetto fabulous building...

New Staff Member at the beginning of school:

Me: Hi, I'm Daffy. I'm a Sign Language Interpreter for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing. I'll be in your classroom this semseter. You have a student 2nd hour requring my services.

Staff Member: *a few slow blinks* Oh, okay. So what language do you speak?

Me: Evidently not English.


2ND STAFF MEMBER ENCOUNTER SAME INTRO AS ABOVE


Staff Member #2: Oh! Okay (shaking my hand) Great to have you. Did it take you long to learn Spanish?

Me: I don't speak Spanish

Staff Member #2: (looking confused) Oh.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Lip Venom

So I splurged - new lip plumper called Lip Venom. it's been out among the less archaic for some time. I decided to see for myself if it really was a runner up to ass fat injections...collegen...same thing.

The packaging is uber cool - ultra modern with a kick of the old school. On the packaging of this tiny little tube
(about ----------------------------- that big) is a small warning.


"The sensation of heat and tingling is normal."


Who doesn't want a little heat and tingle on their smackers? I slap some on and nada. No tingle. No heat. No more $16.00 plus shipping (It was a splurge, people). I thought maybe it needed a second coat so I slap a little more on and zoom out the door to my freelance job.


3 blocks later, in the midst of a mental tirade on the crooks at Sephora who sold this crap (Venom my ass) and crushing disappointment that my pouter wouldn't make Angelina Jole jealous anytime soon, I felt the tinniest bit of tingle. HOLD UP! Hope is blooming. A quick peek in the rear view mirror; they didn't look any bigger per se but they were sportin a new healthy pink. I could work with that.


A few blocks later KA POW! My eyes start watering and I nearly drive off the bridge instead of over it (probably a subconscious need to quench the fire - WATER!). The throbbing intensifies and my lips threatened to jump off my face. They, my lips, turned the corner before my Jeep did (think Nutty Professor). Whatever smartass decided that this level of heat and tingling was 'normal' must lick Bic lighters for fun.


All I really wanted do to was lick my lips to quench the fire. Pure vain fear kept me from doing so. What if that crap got on my tongue...and IT swelled? I'd show up to work looking like a moose.
vvv
To make matters worse, tossing the Jeep into park, I folded down the visor mirror to make sure my lips hadn't swallowed my face and found glazed to my bottom lip was a dead gnat. I'm not sure which was more disturbing; my lip gloss being so damn hot it fried a bug to my lip or that I couldn't feel A DEAD BUG stuck to it.


BUYER BEWARE


I'm seriously rethinking that "Increase Your Bust Size" cream I saw on an infomercial. What if the cream dripped somewhere else on my body?

Monday, September 21, 2009

If At First You Don't Succeed, Try Reverse

Ahhh... Wally World... always an adventure. Yesterday's adventure included Girl and Hubs. It went a little something like this....

Pulled into parking spot. A nice looking Blondie pulls in to the spot in front of us. We are bumper to bumper. Hubs looks up and lingers a bit- no biggie. I don't mind. One look ain't so bad and even I can appreciate a good looking female.

Blondie gets out - Hubs gets out and rounds car with lightening speed to remove Girl.

Look #2 Happens - fine whatever.

I'm now standing next to hubs waiting for him to finish unbuckling Girl (which would have gone a lot smoother if he was PAYING ATTENTION TO WHAT HE WAS DOING). He is saying something to me, but I don't remember at this point what it was. I've blocked everything out except the THIRD look OVER HIS SHOULDER to watch Blondie walk into Wally World. WTF! HALLLLOOOO! I'M RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.

Me: Do you want me to get her phone number?

Hubs: (totally faking it) What? What are you talking about?

Me: stomping off

We're now inside and and I round the corner to pick out a card for the niece and who do I find bent over at the waist in a skirt (bend at the knees you bitty!)? It's Blondie!

Look #4

I refuse to speak for the rest of our time in Wally World. Hubs claims to have no clue why I'm pissed. We pay for our items and return to the car. I put Girl in her carseat, Blondie returns to her vehicle and hubs bangs his head on the tailgate as he loads our loot. I'mtellinya, she wasn't THAT impressive. She was taller than me - hell she was taller than hubs. I've seen WAAAY better. I tried very hard to find a great specimen of the male species for revenge. I was so prepared to find, approach and lick his ear. Alas, we were at Wally World (see last Wednesday's post) and of course nothing of the kind was available.

The ONLY thing that saved hub's life yesterday was the ping on my Blackberry announcing the Honest Scrap award from Speaking From The Crib. I was seriously headed for the driver's seat and amazingly all the gears had disappeared from my vehicle except reverse...

Meow

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Kanye - STEP OFF THIS IS MY AWARD!


I'm accepting my first award and I've not a thing to wear! (don't tell me I'm the only one who types naked...)

First I want to thank Speaking From The Crib AND Hillbilly Duhn (I can SO feel the Bloggy Love!) for your bloggy love and comment support. Please check them both out and show some Blogland love! Both ladies are a riot both in posts and their comments.

Thank you to all the FOLLOWERS who tune in to read whatever crap I've pulled out my ass each day. You make my world go round!

In the coming week I will be posting to highlight those to whom I am passing this awesome award. Please check back regularly.

Today, I want to start with bestowing the Honest Scrap award to Coffeypot! Check him out and in the words of my pal Speaking From The Crib, Blindly follow.
Coffey, grab the award above and post proudly! You deserve it.
I would also like to pass along the Honest Scrap award to Speaking of Witch. She gets down to the nitty gritty with some great introspection. Show her some Bloggy Love my Batty friends.

Helmets Save Lives And May Prevent Jail Time

A True Story

...so an Italian and a Redneck have been wrenching all day on Redneck's broken down truck. Finally turning wheels on its own, at midnight truck begs to be taken out for a test drive. Brother-In-Law (from here on out BIL) of said Redneck and Italian lives not too far away. Redneck, Italian and truck decide to head that direction and along the way picks up a few palates of toilet paper.

Redneck wants Italian's help to tee-pee BIL's house. BIL recently spent an asinine amount of green on a row of trees to line the frontage of his 2 1/2 acre lot. Hopped up on Timberwolf Long Cut Wintergreen chewing tobacco, exhaust fumes and stupid, Redneck and Italian contact the wife of said Redneck to giggle out their plans.

Wife of Redneck reminds the boys that BIL has a high tech security system in which live cameras continuously record the perimeter of the property. (Insert mental forehead slap here). Italian says, "Man, lets just go back." Undeterred Redneck devises a plan...

..."Dude! We so can still do it! Let's go back to the house and get some motorcycle helmets. If we dress in black and wear the motorcycle helmets BIL won't recognize us."

Anyone see the flaw in this? Anyone?

Saturday, September 19, 2009

I *Heart* Bumper Stickers

While out and about I saw my all time favorite (at least for now) bumper sticker. I don't have them on my car but I love them on yours!



The way I see it there are 3 basic categories for bumper stickers.



1. 1990 VW Golf (or older) that looks like it hit every dang pole, curb and golf course (its really just hail damage) it has passed in the last ten years. Its held together with COEXISTS, PETA, 4:20, OBAMA, END WORLD HUNGER, CELERY HAS FEELINGS TOO, and Jerry Garcia's Dancing Bears.


2. The Mom Van (any brand - take your pick) with PROUD PARENT OF AN HONOR ROLL STUDENT, MARY KAY, I Heart BEAGLES and the little family stick figures strategically placed between handprints, road dust and the occassional yellow paint swipe from the last run in with those little poles at the gas pumps.


3. The Redneck Machine (trucks, jeeps, some combination of the two, tractors etc) have NASCAR, NRA, confederate flag stickers, GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE - STUPID PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE, I'd Rather Be Fishing, SAVE A HORSE - RIDE A COWBOY which are sometimes hard to read while dodging the clumps of mud hurtling through the air towards your windshield at near leathel speeds (damn! those tires are big dude!)


The rest of the WannaBe's (meaning two stickers or less) fall somewhere in between all that. The one that tops all stickers to date was all by its lonesome self which only served to draw 100% of my attention and was found dead center on the rear bumper of a man pushing at least 80. It read

JESUS LOVES YOU

EVERYONE ELSE THINKS YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE


I want one! Actually, two and then I can give one to my mom.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

TMI Thursday - Waving the White Flag

I'm bogartin from http://www.livitluvit.com/ this morning and posting a TMI Thursday. She's hysterical, if you have a chance to check her out. She is NOT for people without a sense of humor or with delicate sensibilities. Of course you probably wouldn't be here if you didn't know how to laugh - or at least roll your eyes.
Anytwat, Lilu is awesome about posting humiliating personal stories with WAAAY too much information for the casual reader. That's the fun of it and I have enough TMI stories to last us from now until the Second Coming. The only difficulty I had with today's post was trying to decide what to start with. Since we don't know each other very well yet I figured I would wait a few weeks to really let my ugly hang out. Today will be mild...
vv
From nearly the first moments hubs and I met, I've gotten my kicks from mooning him. Initially it was because I was young, my ass dimple free (and in its proper position) and of course I thought he liked it. As many know, marriage and time change everything! Early on and probably through the first year of marriage hubs would get a twinkle in his eye and this goofy lopsided grin. Predictability will kill almost anything. My moon wasn't new anymore (but getting fuller). He well knew what it looked like and his amusement turned to "Seriously?".
vv
Fast forward several years...
vv
I was feeling particularly ornery on night and decided to blast him. He started wheezing and not from enjoyment either. He was laughing to the point of not breathing. I hoped it continued (the not breathing part). It is NEVER a good thing when a woman shows a man her ass and he falls out of his recliner with laughter (unless he hits his head rendering him unconscious for long enough to draw phallic symbols on his forehead in permanent marker). I yanked my pants up along with my pride and glared at him with my Death Laser stare. When he finally caught his breath (damn) I asked him was so effing funny about my ass (more like demanded). Evidently Charmin is STRONG for I still had a square or two stuck between my crack.
vv
Got a TMI that tops this (and I'm sure you do because this is SO mellow)? Please Share!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Wordless Wednesdays - The World of Walmart

As the virgin post for BATCRAP CRAZY I thought it important to actually add a few words to today's Wordless Wednesday Post. I will probably stick with this being the usual Wednesday crap since several of my bloggie friends do this and I love it! Thanks for being patient as the blog gets up and running. Please keep checking back and don't think I'm boring because the blog isn't totally 'set up' yet. I do have a day job (despite what my family thinks).

So for your viewing pleasure, the BATCRAP CRAZY world of WalMart.
A classic Walmart pose of the likes we have never before seen. This man deserves those cheese nips! Trafford , PA



2 cases of Ramen Noodles: wonder where he goes to college? Portland , OR

Are these short enough? Hell no! roll them bitches up some more!
Volusia , FL


My Tarot cards says she is shopping for 1.
Harrisburg , PA

2 mullets, 1 shot.
Simpsoville , SC

Like a bad western movie but worse.
Somewhere in GA


Oh how I could sing the songs of wonder that danced through my head when I saw this. From the knock-off air jordans, to the acid wash jeans, the potbelly hanging out under the game jersey, the hospital wrist band, the half mullet; I could go on for hours about the happiness I got from this mythical beast being on camera, but instead, as so many before me have done, I will let the picture speak my thousand words
Location Unknown


Ummm.... I got nothin'
Clifton Park , NY


I have to assume that this guy, in a fit of rage after a monster truck rally or tractor pull, ripped off his sleeves and then went to Wal-Mart to get a few cases of beer to enjoy on the couch on his front porch. Cameron , Mo

OH MY GOD!
Bennington, VT


Kind of glad we don't get a glimpse of the front
Hammond , Louisiana


Is it even legal to look this good?
Yuba City , CA

This guy was the complete package:
- Faded forearm tattoos. CHECK
- Country/Western shirt from 1987. CHECK
- Stylish goatee, braided at chin. CHECK
- Do rag not covering up mullet CHECK
- Pen in shirt pocket. WTF???
Corinth , Tx

Oops! Britney spears let herself go again.
Louisville , KY


What are the chances of finding shorts to match that shirt? What are the chances of finding a girl to talk to a guy who found shorts to match that shirt?
Conway , SC



***Disclaimer** This photos were not taken by me. Most of this post comes courtesy of my good pal Lila. Thanks A Million for the laughs Lila. I'll NEVER go to Walmart without checking the mirror again!
Tune in tomorrow for more about ME!