Monday, December 21, 2009

Memoir Monday - Where's The Bathroom?

It's Memoir Monday as started by Travis at I Like To Fish. Since we know this new phenomenon is spreading like crabs through a high school football team, lets join the fun.
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While I was in college studying to become an Interpreter, I worked for a major airline (now defunct but it was an icon of its time). One of the perks is very cheap airfare if you’re willing to fly on stand-by; very fair trade off for the ability to book your own ticket with as little as an hour’s notice. Especially when you’re 20 years old!

On a Friday-eve with nothing but a boring weekend in my tiny apartment in front of my cableless 19 inch TV, I had not a thing to look forward to other than my evening run with the dog which involved tactical maneuvers of FBI proportions for avoiding Chester The Molester’s apartment building. I swear that guy had every piece of spy equipment he could get his hands on! Even the restraining order didn’t get rid of him entirely. So when my awesome pal Ben called, I jumped on the chance to join him in Minneapolis for the weekend. His employer was having a company party and he needed a sidekick. The ex girlfriend was going to be there. I so love revenge….

 A quick dash home, toss together a small carry-on and back to the airport I went. Seems I forgot only one tiny thing – to pee. I have a phobia of airplane bathrooms. I think the correct term for this is Milehighairbornedefecationitsobia. No matter…it’s a relatively short flight not to mention I scored a seat in First Class.

As the minutes ticked by and the air pressure changed along with altitude, the constant ups and downs were significantly and negatively affecting my bladder issue. I tried reading. I tried working. I tried sleeping. I tried to snag a few minutes on the PA system. I’ve always wanted to try my skill at stand up comedy. What better place to practice on a captive audience? Nothing worked…with the ingenious tendency youth affords I thought it remarkably smart to drink water. Somehow, the act of drinking parlayed the physiological communication screaming BLADDER FULL MUST VOID, DUMBASS.

I think I stood at the galley entrance for the entire descent to be sure I was the first off the plane in hopes of finding a bathroom just outside the arrival gate. Doing the potty dance while hurtling through the air at 49873626 miles per hour is no small feat people!


We land. I deplane. Locate bathroom. One track mind. I’m tenacious like that.

As I’m rushing through the door with eyes only for the first open stall, I find myself wedged in the doorway with another woman on the same quest. Yes. Just like the movies..sigh... Both struggling to free herself in order to be first into the bathroom. Finally wiggling free, the bitchwhore woman pushes me out of her way. While resisting the urge to drag her backwards by her hair, I notice every stall is full. She is now the head of the line. I.AM.SECOND.

My bladder does not understand this concept. It only knows MUST. PEE. NOW. With as much politeness as I can muster, I sweetly ask the woman if I may please go before her as I’ve just gotten off a 6 hour flight where the on-board lavatory was out of order (total lie but I’m so effin’ desperate I’m dancing as I spin my tale). With cold calculating eyes and hardness in her voice that only fridged ice coursing through her veins could produce she says, ‘NO’.

“Look lady! I don’t think you understand how badly I have to go. I could quite possibly pee on your shoes before the next stall even opens up. If the trash can weren’t built into the wall I’d be hovering over it as we speak.”

“NO!” she says with an I dare you look in her eye.

So I did it.

Yes.

I did.

I peed on her shoes. Right then and there and let me tell you! It was the best damn decision I have ever made. The look on her face was so priceless I would’ve done it again if I’d had anything left in me. Fortunately I was wearing a skirt and had all my clothes and whatnot in my bag for the weekend. It was just a short trip afterall. When a stall opened up, I enthusiastically announced NEXT, grabbed a papertowel, wiped my leg and pranced out of the bathroom (because I am SO classy like that).

41 comments:

singedwingangel said...

roflmbo that was just priceless and something I would have so paid to be a fly on the wall for...

Dual Mom said...

You DID NOT! Oh my god, I'm so calling you pissy pants from now on!!

Carol said...

No WAY! You really did that?
(silly me for ever doubting you)

I would have loved to been 3rd in line just to see that go down!

Moooooog35 said...

You sound hot.

Erin said...

this is a joke, right?
how did pee not run in rivulets down your legs? and what about your own shoes/socks?

BigSis said...

OMG. That is all I can say. Wow.

HeatherLynn said...

Oh, No, you di'nt! You are crazy! For future reference, you can usually score yourself a seat in the boys room at the airport if the women's is full...and for some reason, men never seem to mind the intrusion...just smile at them at the urinal and say, "i like what you got going on there!" raise your eyebrows at em, and they are the most hospital potty room hosts.

i have to tell you, i don't blame you, she pissed you off, and you pissed ON her! seems only fair!

~hl~

The Peach Tart said...

Oh honey I've had a few pee faux pas moments myself.

Life in the mom lane said...

*ROTFLMAO* that was priceless!!!!

tori said...

you are crazy but I love it!

Matty said...

I'm thinking that this has got to be a joke. You're kidding, right? If you actually did this, I wish I could have been there.

Thanks for a great laugh.

adrienzgirl said...

I can sooooooo see my little Duckalicious breaking bad all over those shoes. You rock! ROCK!

I don't think I would ever pee myself just to prove my point, but then again, she did deserve that!

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

You. are. my. HERO!

gayle said...

Good for you!!! You did what we all wish we had the nerve to do!!

Travis said...

I'm callin bullshit.

But if you did, that shit is amazing.

Tracie said...

You are kidding, right??? That is so hilarious!!!! Seriously! If it really did happen, I am so sad that I wasn't standing behind you in line to witness that!

On a sidenote, while I was out of town you had a blog makeover and it looks great!!

Hillbilly Duhn said...

LMFAO!!!!!! Holy balls! I am not worthy, I am not worthy!!!

JennyMac said...

this is so crazy that it made me laugh OUT LOUD in the middle of my office.

carissajaded said...

AHAHAHAH High five to you my friend! That's pretty much the best lesson you can teach a person. I think you just gave me some priceless sketch material.. I'm proud to be a reader of your blog!!

Ed Adams said...

Funny shit, Duck.

Possibly funny bullshit, but still funny.

However, you totally wasted a TMI post on this.

Joshua said...

Be careful. I think that might be the second sign for anonymous airport bathroom sex. Right after the "I'm a member of the Congress of the United States, tap your foot under the stall wall for anonymous airport sex" maneuver. You're lucky she didn't throw you in the stall with her and have at you.

-Joshua

Working Mommy said...

I. LOVE. YOU!!! As I read your story to my hubs he looked at me and said - that sounds like something you would do - to which I replied - yes, yes it does!! I wish I could have.

~WM

Quixotic said...

Holy Running Waters BatGirl!!

That's was the funniest thing I've read in ages, I don't care if it's for real - I would love to be brave enough to do that.

Eva Gallant said...

OMG! Talk about raining on her parade!lol Awesome!

Mad Woman said...

That was fantastic. I just about peed my own pants laughing!!

Aunt Juicebox said...

She deserved it! And you know what? There are NO bathroom police so you coulda just not even asked and when the next stall door opened, bowled her over and locked yourself in. What would she have been able to do about it? lol

Coffeypot said...

That puts a whole new meaning to the phrase, "Piss on her and her attitude." Maybe you should have embarrassed even her more by literally slapping the shit out of her.

Two Normal Moms said...

I know it was a while ago, and I know it wasn't planned, but... if you warned us when you were going to do stuff like that, you could sell spectator tickets.... just sayin'
Too funny.
***Ally

Nancy Campbell said...

Mess with the bull, you get the horns.

Corrie Howe said...

No.You. Didn't!

Wow! I wonder what kind of PTSD she has now.

kcgirlgeek said...

I have Milehighairbornedefecationitsobia too. My flights are generally preceded by copious amounts of vodka-infused beverages and probably more Xanax than is safe to take alongside my beverages. This way I'm not really aware that I have to pee, and if I do...it usually just falls out. (Sanitary napkins are a good idea for this strategy.) And this is why I don't "relieve myself" in airplane (or airPORT) restrooms...I am a germ-o-phobe so...I just make sure I'm way to fucked up to crawl to the john.

It's just easier to explain that you peed your pants because you're a drunk than because you're terrified of millions upon millions of invisible germs crawling over every square inch of that little claustrophobic closet they call a bathroom. I mean, seriously, my cat's litter box is bigger.

I love that you peed on this idiotic woman's shoes. I wish I had been there. No, really, because I would have had to turn that into a viral video. That's what we need. A viral video (heh...viral, no pun intended) to show these people how IMPORTANT being able to pee in a timely fashion IS, and why they should pave the way for those of us with issues about peeing...and about germs. Yeah.

You're my new heroine...err...hero. Whichever is politically correct in this day and age. I've lost track.

~Lori

Alex said...

Crowd stands for THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE.

Noelle said...

OMG! i have wanted to do that so many times! you go, girl! i kept waiting for the "just joking..." but it never came! you ROCK!

ScoMan said...

Good to see you're not one of those "all talk no action" types. That would be a shame.

I wonder at what point she realised you weren't bluffing.

Holly said...

That's GREAT! More people need to be peed on!

Mrsblogalot said...

You did not!! You did? OMG!

Where was modern technology cell phone video when you needed it? I would have loved to have seen that!

btw, did I miss the memo for pee week posts?

Is poop next week?

Danielle said...

I have never heard anything so funny in my life. Can you imagine what she telle people about that?
LOL

Shamrock said...

That's my sister! You make a baby sis so proud! :)

kys said...

That is the funniest thing I've read all day!

Alexis AKA MOM said...

Well I've had the unpleasant experience stuck in car in non moving traffic can I possibly pee in that slurpee cup or I'm just going home, how bad would peeing in my pants be ... LOL

But on her shoe, girl you just almost made me pee my pants now. Thanks for that warm feeling ... oh wait down the leg ... well crap ... LOL

Maryx said...

O.M.G.

ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!
Brilliant!!!!!!!!!!