Monday, December 28, 2009

Memoir Monday - Can You Feel The Burn?

It's Memoir Monday as started by Travis at I Like To Fish. Since we know this phenomenon has been  spreading like crabs through a high school football team, lets join the fun. Click on the book for links to more players on the team....
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(repost because hardly anyone...okay like 3 people...was following me when this post originally went up. And since we're coming off a holiday break I'm a little strapped right now....so here ya go....)
Lip Venom
So I splurged - new lip plumper called Lip Venom. it's been out among the less archaic for some time. I decided to see for myself if it really was a runner up to ass fat injections...collegen...same thing.

The packaging is uber cool - ultra modern with a kick of the old school. On the packaging of this tiny little tube

(about ----------------------------- that big) is a small warning.

"The sensation of heat and tingling is normal."

Who doesn't want a little heat and tingle on their smackers? I slap some on and ziltch. No tingle. No heat. No more $16.00 plus shipping (It was a splurge, people). I thought maybe it needed a second coat so I slather a little more on and zoom out the door to my freelance job.

3 blocks later, in the midst of a mental tirade on the crooks at Sephora who sold this crap (Venom my ass) and crushing disappointment that my pouter wouldn't make Angelina Jolie jealous anytime soon, I felt the tinniest bit of tingle. WHOOT! Hope is blooming. A quick peek in the rear view mirror; they didn't look any bigger per se but they were sportin a new healthy pink. I could work with that.

A few blocks later KA POW! My eyes start watering and I nearly drive off the bridge instead of over it (probably a subconscious need to quench the fire - WATER!). The throbbing intensifies and my lips threatened to jump off my face. They, my lips, turned the corner before my Jeep did (think Nutty Professor). Whatever smartass decided that this level of heat and tingling was 'normal' must lick Bic lighters for fun.

All I really wanted do to was lick my lips to quench the fire. Pure vain fear kept me from doing so. What if that crap got on my tongue...and IT swelled? I'd show up to work looking like a moose.

To make matters worse, tossing the Jeep into park, I folded down the visor mirror to make sure my lips hadn't swallowed my face and found glazed to my bottom lip was a dead gnat. I'm not sure which was more disturbing; my lip gloss being so damn hot it fried a bug to my lip or that I couldn't feel A DEAD BUG stuck to it.

BUYER BEWARE

I'm seriously rethinking that "Increase Your Bust Size" cream I saw on an infomercial. What if the cream dripped somewhere else on my body?

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37 comments:

singedwingangel said...

Lmbo , i know not funny then but hilarious now.. please tell me that you never used it again lol

BigSis said...

I feel like one of the cool kids because I read it the first time :) I am totally going to repost some of my favs from before I had followers :)

Heather @ Two Little Monkeys said...

How long did that stuff burn? Thank God it wasn't any where else on you.

Kelsey Claire said...

I always was interested in trying that stuff. Now I know I don't want to! It made for a great story though.

Hillbilly Duhn said...

hee hee because I have a perverted mind, what happens if you put this stuff on your lips and then you know give the hubbers a kiss down yonder??????? bwahahahahahaha that would be funny...

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

This was hysterical when I read it the first time and hysterical this time! Was this the first post I ever read of yours??

Tiffany said...

when i am in sephora, i am in heaven--i'm also in debt, but heaven nonetheless.

Lori kcgirlgeek Hutcherson said...

O M G. I really need to LEARN to save reading your blog for AFTER morning coffee, for it I fail to remember that tiny important thing, it won't be long before I'll be having to replace my coffee-soaked keyboard.

Of course, I COULD just not read your blog while there is coffee IN my mouth. That might help.

You crack me up ALL the time. Thank you for the warning about this lip gloss/lip stick/torture ointment. I seriously appreciate the heads up, because I tend to be a real sucker for that sort of thing. LOL :)


~Lori
a.k.a. kcgirlgeek

Aunt Juicebox said...

ROFL My daughter has tried some variations of this product, not that brand though. She doesn't like the way it feels either, but it did plump her lips up a little bit. I can't imagine using something like that on a daily basis. It can't be good for you.

Travis said...

So...

You drive a Jeep?

I have a lipstick story that this reminds me of. Next weeks material! Already!

How long did the burn last?

Ed Adams said...

All that talk about hot pink lips was getting me worked up.

Then I realized they were the ones on your face.

Shell said...

I tried something similar and that "slight tingling sensation" was anything but slight. AND, I don't think it worked at all.I could almost take the pain if it at least made me look good!

Matty said...

Sounds like the directions didn't mention the delayed reaction.

L said...

Yes, I remember this one...I was one of the 3 that commented. Still love it and love the cartoon! Hilarious!

L

Carol said...

I had the same thoght as Hillbilly! Daffy do take a pic next time you catch a dead bug on your lip!

adrienzgirl said...

Get the kind at Target. They have this whole display thing. It tingles, like just tingle, and plumps just a little bit! :D

Mommy Lisa said...

Yeah - that reminds me of this vodka a friend wanted me to try with her - instead of a "worm" it had a dead scorpion in it.

gross.

Corrie Howe said...

This is too funny. I love the cartoon too. I'm trying to imagine a Duckalicious with voluptuous burning beak lips and a dead gnat.

Holly said...

I tried a version of that once...nothing...I have no lips...I needed help...I wan't hoping for Angelina just lips!
Holly

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

Ahahahaha! Awesome! I only laugh at you because I have experienced the same pain minus the dead bug!! Grody!

ScoMan said...

I think this is one of the first posts I read of yours. Worth a repost, funny stuff.

Maven said...

Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This would TOTALLY happen to me!

Glad you re-posted.

Quixotic said...

hahaha - a Duck with a beak!!!

Erin said...

I have something similar and it does tingle...so funny about the gnat. I'm going to repost some old stuff, too!

Coffeypot said...

I was one of the three I'm proud to say. And more proud of how fast your sit has grown.

Ed, those lips on her face STILL had me worked up.

I know, Daffy, what you mean about the breast enlarger thing. I wanted to get a penis enlarger but I can find one big enough to stuff mine in.

Alex said...

So guilty with doing that too! Glutton for punishment, if it doesn't work first go, slather it on with a trowel consequences be damned.

Least you didn't try it on your boobs.

gayle said...

Oh no ..hope it didn't last long!!! Sounds like something I would do!!

Working Mommy said...

LOL - I do love that stuff...but 2 coats?! Yikes!! You're a brave one! Although, I admit that I had to make 2 passes due to my lack of patience...my mom always told me it would hurt!

~WM

LiLu said...

Yup! I tried that stuff in Sephora and oh, was I sorr-EEE!!!

The girl with the flour in her hair said...

A dead gnat, huh? At least it wasn't a fly. Or a pigeon.

I've tried a very mild version of that by Burt's Bees but I once went to a "Slumber Party" (aka sex toy central)and they sell a nipple stimulator/ lip plumper cream. You know, kill two birds (or gnats) with one stone.

Mad Woman said...

Oh. OUCH!! How long did it last?

Noelle said...

am i the only one here that is thankful for the fact that you were heading to work...and not to a sexical encounter? that could have been a little, um, exciting, no?

Jenn Erickson said...

How horrible! I wonder what they put in that stuff? Sounds like pepper spray in a chapstick tube ~ Owww! Imagine getting that stuff in your eye? Hmmm...wait, I think I may be on to something ~ a remarketing scheme for Lip Venom...looks like a harmless lip gloss, acts like a self-defense tool. Simply squirt in adversary's eye. Oh wait, it's slow acting. Oh well.

Nancy Campbell said...

I used that stuff, too. I think they use it when interrogating prisoners. That lipstick doesn't play. Damn.

kys said...

You didn't take pictures of the effects?

Alexis AKA MOM said...

You know the important people were around for this post!

As I told you last time watch what lips you put that on ... What you know there are some people out there that want a little tautness ... Oh come on people were thinking it! I just had to say it .. LOL

Ok I'm leaving before people get all up in my grill ... yes the one up top!

Maryx said...

Oooooohhhhhhh Shhhhiiiiittttt!!!

Wow! Ouch! Geez!