Friday, November 20, 2009

the Votes Are In

...we the people in order to form a more perfect BLOGLAND have submitted and subsquently voted on the definition of ASSHAT as it occurs in daily life. Henceforth you are command to go and use this term as often as possible crediting how DUCKALICIOUS Miss Daffy is at each and every useage. As a result of your fabuloso contributions both in words, time and clicks the winner of ASSHAT submissions is now decreed: one TRAVIS from I LIKE TO FISH please stand up and accept the honor BLOGLAND PEEPS have bestowed upon your enormous noggin....

Guest Post For Daffy!


So I won this guest post by making a definition of the word asshat.

Yeah…

It’s actually quite an easy thing to define when you are one yourself.

Allow me to give you some examples.

Since none of my family or Facebook friends will read this, I can unleash the bad side of Travis!

At one point in my life, I had stolen money and/or merchandise from every employer I’d worked at.

I’ve killed a dog on purpose, just because it walked across the street like I wasn’t even driving on it.

I’ve attempted to kill a fawn with a shotgun. (The Groom was in on this one too.)

I used to torture The Missus’ cat back when she and I were dating.

The Missus tried to play a prank on me while we were dating. We thought she was pregnant, and she bought a test. She took the test, then talked with her friend, then called me into the room. Her friend, leaving the room, had a smile on her face for about an eighth of a second. I saw it. When I got to her room, she said, “Well, I’m pregnant, what are we going to do?” I said, “Well, I don’t think we should date anymore, and I don’t want anything to do with the baby.” Script flip. Woo. She was LIVID.

I have tried, (rather unsuccessfully) to get The Missus to have a 3 way with her best friend and us. Several times.


I have given The Missus a Dutch Oven. Several times.

I’ve accidentally hurled my wedding ring out of my truck window in the process of littering.

I’ve framed a rather stupid co-worker and got him fired.

I’ve encouraged a married woman to sleep with her husband sans protection so that if she got pregnant from what I did earlier that day, she could blame it on her husband.

So yeah… I’m an asshat. I know the meaning of the word all too well. As I’m typing this, I’m talking with Daffy on messenger. She swears up and down that I’m not an asshat. I told her she’d change her mind after she saw this list!

Now, don’t get it wrong. I’m not a bad guy.

Swears.

I’ve had my moments like everyone else has. However, I am not stealing from my current job, I’m not sleeping with anyone besides The Missus, and my days of trying to kill/torturing small animals are way in the past. Now a days, my worst moments are when that douchefuck Tyler Hansborough comes on TV and doesn’t do jack-SHIT to find that little black girls dog, but totally takes all the credit for it and does it all in FUCKING NORTH CAROLINA BLUE!


Yeah.

I cuss a lot when that commercial comes on.

Fuck you, AT&T.

Buncha asshats.

As of this moment, Daffy has 99 followers, and I have 93. That means that six of you guys reading this aren’t following me. Actually, it’s five, because I’m one of the people following her, and I don’t follow myself. Well, I mean, I do, but it’s because I’m fat. And that’s completely different.


So yeah.


Go find my blog, and click follow.

Although, after that list, I wouldn’t be surprised if I lose a few. Sorry about that.

Love you guys.

23 comments:

BigSis said...

Can we go with "you used to be an asshat?"

The Peach Tart said...

Well asshat's had a full life.

That One Mom said...

Ahhh, Travis... You gotta love the reformed asshat... I mean really?!?! Those are the best kind!

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

Travis, you crack me up ya asshat, and yeah...I already follow.

Carol said...

Once an asshat - always an asshat?
Travis, it seems you have broken the cycle.
I have to admit, that was a pretty clever idea to have the married woman go home and sleep with her husband to cover your ass, just in case.

Thanks Daffy!
PS- Travis is still an asshat because he isn't following me

Allyson said...

LOL travis glad to see you aren't an asshat anymore! you crack me up.

Raoulysgirl said...

Boy, I thought I knew some asshats...

I can't believe that I've never gone to Travis' blog. Heading there now!

Travis said...

It's 8 AM.

I was up till 3:30 because of the New Moon movie.

I'm not gay.

At some point today, I'm gonna post on the experience.

But I'm not gay.

I love you all, and if anyone wants to come cook me bacon, let me know.

Let me know though, as I'm currently in a state of undress that would everyone but a large water dwelling mammal.

I'm not gay.

Moooooog35 said...

I've given your Missus a dutch oven, as well.

Not sure you knew that already.

Ed Adams said...

I was a follower of Travis.

After reading about his Asshattiness, and specifically the part were he bashed Tyler Hansborough and North Carolina, I believe I'll cancel my followership.

Nah..Fuck that....He's too funny.

Plus, he totally let me sleep with his wife.

Jessica said...

Good to know you're not an asshat anymore, I would like to steal one of your past asshat actions though . . . . "I’ve framed a rather stupid co-worker and got him fired."

kys said...

That dealio with the married woman sounds like a soap opera plot. Obviously, it is very clever.

Travis said...

It's Travis again. Still sleepy. Lame.

Big Sis: Yes, we can use that. Thanks.

Tart: Is that a fat joke?!?

Mom: They ARE the best kind. Cause it's me!

Lee: But now I want you to follow me into battle!

Carol: I'm on it. That's what she said.

Allyson: Glad I can be of service!

Raoulsygirl: I take the asshat cake. Thanks for the follow!

Travis: You're gay. Go to bed.

Moog: Did she say you were better than me?!? Sad face.

Ed: Did she say you were better than me?!? Sad face. Oh, and FUCK UNC!

Jessica: It was a glorious day.

Kys: Very clever. And asshatty.

adrienzgirl said...

If I change my vote does Coffeypot win?

Mrsblogalot said...

LOFL! Just when you think you know an asshat...

Chief said...

Wow! That is the perfect definition of an asshat.

Erin said...

This may be the best Travis post. Ever. laughed until I farted.

;-)

love that you littered your wedding ring. i think that took the cake.

but i was sad about the dog crossing the road.

Life Laugh Latte said...

Darn and dangit are about as bad as i swear...just to give you some context...but Travis you truly and clearly define the word Asshat. That's some hot, smelly crap in your toilet. Holly

Two Normal Moms said...

Laughing, laughing, laughing! (but seriously, leave the poor dogs and cats out of it, K?) Love the word asshat by the way - and Travis - I'm looking forward to the New Moon post, cause I'm questioning the gay thing...
***Ally

Holly said...

Yes, this is the definition I voted for...and yes I am one of the 5 people at Daffy's not following Travis...better get over there before he starts to torture me like the poor animals.

Alex said...

Dude, she's up to 101 now so you better shmooze some more.

Yeah, you're an asshat reformed or not. But most of us are, it's what makes us unique. Or irritating either one.

Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...

asshat.

Maryx said...

You're head's not screwed on right.

Asshat.